sillykitty Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 Long term lurker on this site, it really helped during a horrible break up about a year and a half ago. Met an amazing guy about 2 months ago--smart, attractive, funny, successful, etc. I felt pretty much from the start an instant connection and incredible chemistry, and I'm pretty sure he did so too. This is hard for me to find, so I don't take it for granted when it happens. We went out for a few weeks, and emailed and texted a good bit during this time also. He said he really liked me and hadn't had strong feelings for someone since his divorce. Everything seemed to be going well until he started seeming distant while out of town one week. Turns out he was stressed while waiting to get some bad news from his parents, who wanted to tell him in person. When he got back in town, they told him his mom has cancer, with emergency surgery scheduled soon. Since then, he has basically shut down and disappeared--we have had very little contact, only by text initiated by me. He also said work had suddenly gotten crazy (he has a very intense job, which I was aware of), and he was spending all his weekends with his mom in the future. I completely understand all this, and feel guilty for even wanting to see him and continue to date. I texted that I was ok with not seeing each other often, but he didn't respond. That was a month ago. My last resort was sending a final email recently saying that I would probably start seeing others next month, but hoped to hear from him if he wanted to get back in touch. No response so far, but I don't expect one. I know these are extreme circumstances, but can't help thinking this might be about me too. I know this guy tends to isolate himself when stressed (he's very introverted), but had hoped he might be more responsive by this point. I'm going to try to move on and definitely won't contact him anymore, but has anyone had any experience with something like this? Seems kind of hopeless at this point.
writergal Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 OP, I can only relate to his perspective, having lost a parent to cancer myself. I was dating someone brand new at the time my father was diagnosed with cancer. The relationship fizzled out frankly because my mind was on my father and this stressful news. I couldn't focus on emotionally being vulnerable with anyone at that time, especially with the guy I was dating. It's possible he feels so emotionally overwhelmed that you are no longer at the top of his priority list of people? That's how it was for me. I had to drop the guy I was dating because he was no longer a priority to me. I put my family and close friends above him and we lost touch and I never made an effort to reconnect with him.
Author sillykitty Posted December 29, 2013 Author Posted December 29, 2013 OP, I can only relate to his perspective, having lost a parent to cancer myself. I was dating someone brand new at the time my father was diagnosed with cancer. The relationship fizzled out frankly because my mind was on my father and this stressful news. I couldn't focus on emotionally being vulnerable with anyone at that time, especially with the guy I was dating. It's possible he feels so emotionally overwhelmed that you are no longer at the top of his priority list of people? That's how it was for me. I had to drop the guy I was dating because he was no longer a priority to me. I put my family and close friends above him and we lost touch and I never made an effort to reconnect with him. Thank you, Writergal. I'm thinking this is what has happened. It's frustrating because we both talked about how hard it is to find someone to date that we really connect with, have chemistry with, etc. So it's surprising that he seems to have just thrown that away, but I understand how he's very overwhelmed and in emotional "survival mode" most likely. We didn't date long at all, so I realize he doesn't owe me anything really. Two of my friends said he just wasn't into me, and one thought he might even be lying about the cancer (!!) but I know that's not the case. He also doesn't appear to be active on the online dating site we met through, so that has made me feel better at least. Eventually he will probably want to start dating again in general, and hopefully he will feel comfortable contacting me if so.
writergal Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 My guess is yes, he's in survival mode right now and that's why he ceased contact. But since you're active online, there's always more profiles to choose from right?
Author sillykitty Posted December 29, 2013 Author Posted December 29, 2013 I actually haven't been active on there since we dated, since I had such strong feelings for him, and then was hopeful we might get back together after the initial shock of the diagnosis passed. Since it's been two months of minimal contact and he doesn't seem to want to hear from me, I have no choice but to start moving on and meeting others in the new year. I don't expect to meet someone anytime soon that I'll connect with as much as this guy, but we'll see, I suppose.
GoreSP Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 I actually haven't been active on there since we dated, since I had such strong feelings for him, and then was hopeful we might get back together after the initial shock of the diagnosis passed. Since it's been two months of minimal contact and he doesn't seem to want to hear from me, I have no choice but to start moving on and meeting others in the new year. I don't expect to meet someone anytime soon that I'll connect with as much as this guy, but we'll see, I suppose. well, you sort of gave him an ultimatum… Had I been in his place, I would have stopped talking to you too. This is the kind of situation where you shut your mouth unless it's to say 'let me know if you need anything'
Author sillykitty Posted December 29, 2013 Author Posted December 29, 2013 I left out some details in my original post to save on space, but I don't think I gave him an ultimatum, and would be horrified if that's what he's thinking now. I had texted him in about three different text conversations (mostly initiated by me) that I was really sorry to hear the news, to let me know if I could do anything, that I realized he probably didn't want to talk about it much, but to let me know if he does, or just wants to meet for a quick dinner, etc. When I didn't hear anything back for the most part, I texted about 2 weeks later a more specific plan for meeting for dinner, but he was out of town that day, and didn't respond to my suggestion about rescheduling when he felt up to it. I didn't contact him for a month because I didn't want to pester him, and in my "final" follow-up email, explained that I didn't want to keep bothering him, but would like to hear from him if his situation changes because I really enjoyed spending time with him, etc. But I didn't want to sound desperate either at this point, so I did explain that I would probably start seeing others in the new year (in case he saw me active on the dating site again). If he responded really anything by text, etc, I would have had no problem seeing him on a very limited basis or waiting till he felt up to dating again, but he doesn't seem interested in that at all. So I'm kind of in the dark at this point, which I hate.
mortensorchid Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 My mom was diagnosed with cancer in 99, it ripped me in half physically and emotionally. It changes you like it does the one who has cancer. You try to hold it together as much as possible, but it will tear you up inside. I think it's best in your case to back off for a while and then come back after a bit. You want to push others away yet keep them nearby when you are in said situation.
d0nnivain Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 It's not about you. It has nothing to do with you other than he's not emotionally available to date anybody right now. If he offers anything, take it but don't pursue.
Author sillykitty Posted December 29, 2013 Author Posted December 29, 2013 Thanks so much for the advice, everyone--I really appreciate it. It's especially helpful to hear from people who have been on the other side in this situation. I think this is going to be especially difficult for him because he is used to being able to control situations to achieve what he wants in work, personal goals, etc., but he has no control over this.
Author sillykitty Posted December 31, 2013 Author Posted December 31, 2013 An update: he responded today, a few days after I emailed him. It was a nice, but very short email, saying his mom is about to start chemo. He said he hoped I hadn't been waiting for him (although I have been, honestly...), and wishes me good luck, in reference to me saying I was going to start seeing others in January. While I'm glad he responded, I have to admit I am hurt by how flippant he sounds. I know he has no feelings for me at the moment, but I was hopeful this might change down the road once he starts dating again. Am I completely over-reacting here? Part of me wants to write back and ask if we would still be dating if his mom hadn't gotten sick, but it sounds so pathetic and needy, and I'm sure he doesn't want to get dragged into an emotional email exchange, especially on New Years Eve. I don't want to ruin any chance I have of us reconciling, but on the other hand, I prefer to know now if he never wants to date again. The tone of his email makes me think the latter. His online dating profile is still completely dormant as far as I can tell.
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