Evergreen160 Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 Hi all. I posted a couple of weeks ago about how I broke things off with my MM. Well, after that he started taking steps to leave his marriage. The thing is, I just hate how he is doing it. I actually feel like I am losing respect for him the way he is handling things. Ugh. Has anyone been in this situation? The whole thing just makes me feel sick. At least he doesn't have kids. I should also say, I'm not miss perfect in all of this either as I decided to end my 14+ year marriage a couple of months ago. I just would have never thought that my feelings for him might change depending on how he treated his wife *sigh*.
oldshirt Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 I don't know if you know who Dr Laura Schlesinger is but she is an author of several books and used to have a syndicated radio call-in show. Anyway she used to talk about this kind of thing all the time and it makes perfect sense really. You have lost respect for him because there is nothing respectable about screwing around behind his spouses back and leaving their spouse for someone else. .....even if that someone else is you. Back in my youth, I had a fling with a married woman. After having a number of encounters over a period of a few months, one night she ask me if she left her husband if I would date her legitimately and be BF/GF. I said, 'no.' She was quite taken aback by this and she asked me why and I replied quite matter of factly, "because I know better than anyone else what you do behind your partner's back." The same goes for you in this situation. You know better than anyone else what he does behind his partner's back. You may feel a little sense of victory, but you know better than anyone else what it is that you actually "won." 6
Author Evergreen160 Posted December 29, 2013 Author Posted December 29, 2013 oldshirt: Thank's for your thoughts. I see your points and I understand what you are saying but I don't think thats it. After all, I did the same thing. I am a cheater too so if anything we probably deserve each other. Its the way that he is going about it that is bothering me so much. I don't' know, maybe you're right and I just don't see it.
WakingUp Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 How is he going about it? Is he being cruel or thoughtless to his W? Is this what is bothering you, because if he is being unnecessarily unkind then that is very disturbing. Bearing in mind there is no easy way for him to do this. If you are having second thoughts you better let him know now.
whichwayisup Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 Hi all. I posted a couple of weeks ago about how I broke things off with my MM. Well, after that he started taking steps to leave his marriage. The thing is, I just hate how he is doing it. I actually feel like I am losing respect for him the way he is handling things. Ugh. Has anyone been in this situation? The whole thing just makes me feel sick. At least he doesn't have kids. I should also say, I'm not miss perfect in all of this either as I decided to end my 14+ year marriage a couple of months ago. I just would have never thought that my feelings for him might change depending on how he treated his wife *sigh*. Did you both end your marriages so you two could end up together? Or did you end your marriage because you'd rather be alone than stay married to your husband? If it is because you'd rather be alone than stay married, you are not obligated to MM, if you choose to not run to him when he is divorced, that's okay. Or casually 'date' him and get to know him in the proper way rather than only knowing him in an affair setting. That affair dynamic has to end completely if you two are going to be a couple in the future. Anyway, how he is treating his wife is how he could very possibly treat you some day. Though I'm sure you've thought that since you say your feelings for him have changed, seeing him in a different light - How not nice he can be. Maybe you don't know him as well as you once thought? 1
Popsicle Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 I don't know if you know who Dr Laura Schlesinger is but she is an author of several books and used to have a syndicated radio call-in show. Anyway she used to talk about this kind of thing all the time and it makes perfect sense really. You have lost respect for him because there is nothing respectable about screwing around behind his spouses back and leaving their spouse for someone else. .....even if that someone else is you. Back in my youth, I had a fling with a married woman. After having a number of encounters over a period of a few months, one night she ask me if she left her husband if I would date her legitimately and be BF/GF. I said, 'no.' She was quite taken aback by this and she asked me why and I replied quite matter of factly, "because I know better than anyone else what you do behind your partner's back." The same goes for you in this situation. You know better than anyone else what he does behind his partner's back. You may feel a little sense of victory, but you know better than anyone else what it is that you actually "won." This is it.
goodyblue Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 I'm sorry, but even a lot of BS's will agree with me when I say Dr. Laura is a freakin' joke. Look, the simple fact is this: he's leaving. If he is not doing it in the way you want, too bad. I know that sounds terrible, but you must face the fact that they have a past. They have a way that they handle things which has NOTHING to do with you. He may just be acting in that capacity. The truth is, his marriage is exactly that HIS marriage. You should not have any part in it. When my guy left, he didn't do things the way I wanted, but he did them nonetheless and it was none of my business HOW he did it. Unless he is blatantly hurting her for no reason, let it go. But realize, what you are seeing is who he is. That was a hard lesson for me, and also an amazing gift. I was upset he was going so slow, and putting up with her crap. When it came down to it, he was just trying to ease the blow and be the kind person I knew him to be. Hang in there. I hope all is well. 2
carelessdrifter Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 you're lucky, that's hard to accomplish!
MissBee Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 But realize, what you are seeing is who he is. That was a hard lesson for me, and also an amazing gift. I think this is the take away. I have always been amazed at how people can somehow not see that how someone chooses to handle certain situations are a part of their personality/character and not necessarily about a specific person/relationship. I think it's a good idea to observe his behavior and actions in how he is choosing to handle this and see what's part of who he is and really see whether or not it is something you can accept in a relationship. If it isn't, you are under no obligation to accept it. 2
WakingUp Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 I don't know if you know who Dr Laura Schlesinger is but she is an author of several books and used to have a syndicated radio call-in show. Anyway she used to talk about this kind of thing all the time and it makes perfect sense really. This is information on this Schlessinger: In 1975, while working in the labs at USC, she met Lewis G. Bishop, a professor of neurophysiology who was married and the father of three children. Bishop separated from his wife and began living with Schlessinger the same year. Schlessinger has vociferously proclaimed her disapproval of unwed couples "shacking up" and having children out of wedlock. But according to personal friend, Shelly Herman, "Laura lived with Lew for about nine years before she was married to him." His divorce was final in 1979. Bishop and Schlessinger married in 1985. Herman says that Schlessinger told her she was pregnant at the time, which Herman recalls as "particularly joyful because of the happy news." Schlessinger's only child, a son named Deryk, was born in November 1985. She was an OW. She then "lived in sin" and only married when pregnant. I believe her credibility is questionable. Just saying. 4
oldshirt Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 oldshirt: Thank's for your thoughts. I see your points and I understand what you are saying but I don't think thats it. After all, I did the same thing. I am a cheater too so if anything we probably deserve each other. Its the way that he is going about it that is bothering me so much. I don't' know, maybe you're right and I just don't see it. how you feel about somebody is rarely rational, it just is what it is. Your logical brain can tell you that since you are the one that had the affair with him that you shouldn't look down on him and judge him harshly for being a cheater and leaving his wife. ... but your heart doesn't care what your brain thinks. It only knows what it feels. 4
Author Evergreen160 Posted December 29, 2013 Author Posted December 29, 2013 Thank you all so much for your replies. They have given me a lot to think about. To answer some of your questions,… we didn't leave our marriages for each other so much as we left marriages that were already pretty bad. Did we end up leaving sooner then we would have on our own? Yes, probably. But we have pretty realistic expectations about our relationship. We are not moving in together - just hoping to date like normal people in the real world. MM isn't being cruel per se. He is just getting all of his stuff together like money, insurance, apartment etc,.. and then plans to just walk. Meanwhile his wife knows that something is up and is constantly asking him if he is leaving her. From what he has told me he is just stone cold lying to her until he has everything ready and is just going to drop a bomb. I know their marriage is a mess and he is really mad at her but this sounds just awful to me. I did things very differently. I told my husband that I was sad and unhappy with our marriage and we hashed things out together with therapy over months and then decided to split. Someone said that I am seeing his true colors - yep, that is very true. I still love him, but it is hard seeing him act like this. MM and I have talked A LOT about this and he says that this is the only way he can do it. Goodyblue said that this is HIS marriage and he is going to do what he feels like he has to do and that is so true. I have no second thoughts about our relationship and even if I was to say it was over between us he would still leave his wife. At any rate, I insisted that we stop seeing each other while he is going through this transition (and I through my own) so we could just focus on our own personal lives and hopefully connect again as single people in the near future. So we are still talking but haven't seen each other in 3 weeks. We will see.
Still-I-Rise Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 (edited) Glad to see your post. My husband left us for another woman and is being insanely cruel. I have often wondered what the OW thinks as she is watching this play out. He has disowned our children - four - as well. I've known him since we were four years of age - best friends since 16 and married for 22 years. He told the children he was leaving because of them, never wanted them and at another turn told them he was leaving because he was dying. He is a pathological liar. He stole from our savings this year, lied so many times I could not keep up. He basically gas lighted me. He filed for divorce while we were together and perjured himself on court documents. He also perjured himself at our last hearing. His family cannot believe what has happened and that I am not pursuing him with blind rage/revenge. I've spoken to the woman on the phone two times (I was very considerate) although he refuses to acknowledge a relationship with her to me. From what I know she is older than we are and I've often wondered why she isn't having a more positive influence on him during this process. It appears she's been married at least two times and has at least one child from each marriage. Past is often prologue. I worked with a girl years ago who started a relationship with a guy who was engaged to another woman. She was so in love with him and they made a cute but strange couple because she let it be known he was stolen from another, a spoil of war. She was never secure in their relationship and always thought she would lose him the way she got him. She was right. Anyway, glad to see someone from the other side is watching and taking note. I think the way a person treats other people matter. My stbxh did not believe in charity nor in being kind to his mother*. He thought I was too helpful to others. At times I would tell him how I felt about his lack of charity and he would tell me how he treats others should not matter to me/his wife. But it did. He had a lot of resentment for his mother for many reasons. One being she ran off with a married man - his mentor- when we were teens. He was devastated and refused to speak to his mentor ever again; his mother for many years. The marriage did not work out. His mentor ended up hating my MIL and tried to destroy her. I was there for her during the separation/divorce stage when she was suicidal - traveled with my then two babies. My husband and his sister refused to help her through that period. His mother was older than his mentor. Edited December 29, 2013 by Still-I-Rise
happy stillmore Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 Yikes still I rise. I am sorry to hear of the pain your life. I seriously wonder if your WS suffers from mental illness and needs medication. To tell his children he is leaving because of them is just plain hurtful. Mental abuse. 2
Author Evergreen160 Posted December 29, 2013 Author Posted December 29, 2013 Still-I-Rise, What a heart breaking story. I'm so sorry to hear it. My ex-husband suffered from depression and it ruined our marriage. I wonder if your ex was going through something similar.
Still-I-Rise Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 (edited) Evergreen, I do believe he suffered from depression. I'm sorry your marriage ended because of it. It can be treated when people are aware and willing to get help. Sorry for hi-jacking your thread as I did not mean to do so. Edited December 29, 2013 by Still-I-Rise
Ruffian1 Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 I'm sorry, but even a lot of BS's will agree with me when I say Dr. Laura is a freakin' joke. Gee, you don’t have to have a prof. degree to know that: You know better than anyone else what he does behind his partner's back. It’s just common sense.
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