(Long Post) Found Flirty Work Emails on DH's Phone.

[whichwayisup]

I live far from family but I did call one of my closest uncles. He's helping me a lot. He's married and has been with his wife for years. He too has been cheated on and has cheated (his previous marriage).

 

He says The feeling of being cheated on is horrible. He rather get stabbed in the heart than feel that kind of hurt & betrayal any day. I know my husband feels guilty and that's why he is angry.

 

He can't show he's remorseful bc he has a huge ego and he thinks he's always right. And yeah I do believe he's being selfish and acting like a spoiled brat! I wish he would just MAN UP and show me that he's truly sorry and make sure it doesn't happen again bc my trust is gone.

 

So he'd rather possibly lose you and your marriage than fight hard to regain your love, respect and trust again? That's whacked up. I say, let him suffer some consquences and maybe he'll wake the F up and put in the required efforts to you. Let him see what life is like without you in it.

 

Glad you have some support.

[dreamingoftigers]

So he'd rather possibly lose you and your marriage than fight hard to regain your love, respect and trust again? That's whacked up. I say, let him suffer some consquences and maybe he'll wake the F up and put in the required efforts to you. Let him see what life is like without you in it.

 

Glad you have some support.

 

Mine would've lost the marriage and disappeared and in his mind it would be "all my fault/I blamed him for everything/refused to work on the marriage/kicked him out/how could I do that to him when my actions within the marriage put "too much pressure on him" with my "emotions" that "caused him too cheat" which is "just what guys do" they "like pretty women" and if I wanted to stay together I should stop "emotionally dumping on him" and "guilting him by crying about it" and "just get over it" and stop "making such a big deal about it" or it wasn't "going to work out AT ALL and don't PUSH me."

 

Yes, verbatim. Then his ass got chucked out the door after hearing that for a couple of years.

 

Then he went on a bender in a motel room.

Then he went to treatment where he seemed to be getting better.

Then it turned out that he started drinking while he was out there and I didn't find out all summer.

Then he blew up when I found out why he's been treating me so crappy all summer.

Then he got chucked out.

Then he bullcrapped social services and our daughter got taken away because of it. But I worked my terms double-quick and did all of my visits. He wasn't allowed to see her for two months and it killed him. So he got help and smartened up.

 

Now we are pulling together as a team to deal with our traumatized daughter.

 

Would've just been better to thrown him out right in the beginning when I was eight months pregnant and found out about some parts of his garbage.

Or at least when she was three months old and found out about (most of) the rest.

Should've just said "okay, I won't push. There is the door. I'm not negotiating and I am not waiting around until "we can afford" counseling. You change your mind, set up (and pay for) some counseling."

[dreamingoftigers]

He's actually a real chicken without me though.

He talks like the toughest jerk in the world, like he could handle everything I have handled and plus some. But truly, he didn't have anything really in place for leaving. He didn't send me anything in child support/daycare costs while he was gone and he still owes me that money, which is a large bone of contention between us.

[violet1]

Mine would've lost the marriage and disappeared and in his mind it would be "all my fault/I blamed him for everything/refused to work on the marriage/kicked him out/how could I do that to him when my actions within the marriage put "too much pressure on him" with my "emotions" that "caused him too cheat" which is "just what guys do" they "like pretty women" and if I wanted to stay together I should stop "emotionally dumping on him" and "guilting him by crying about it" and "just get over it" and stop "making such a big deal about it" or it wasn't "going to work out AT ALL and don't PUSH me."

 

Yes, verbatim. Then his ass got chucked out the door after hearing that for a couple of years.

 

Then he went on a bender in a motel room.

Then he went to treatment where he seemed to be getting better.

Then it turned out that he started drinking while he was out there and I didn't find out all summer.

Then he blew up when I found out why he's been treating me so crappy all summer.

Then he got chucked out.

Then he bullcrapped social services and our daughter got taken away because of it. But I worked my terms double-quick and did all of my visits. He wasn't allowed to see her for two months and it killed him. So he got help and smartened up.

 

Now we are pulling together as a team to deal with our traumatized daughter.

 

Would've just been better to thrown him out right in the beginning when I was eight months pregnant and found out about some parts of his garbage.

Or at least when she was three months old and found out about (most of) the rest.

Should've just said "okay, I won't push. There is the door. I'm not negotiating and I am not waiting around until "we can afford" counseling. You change your mind, set up (and pay for) some counseling."

 

Oh man! You are one strong lady. Your poor daughter, how did you ever forgive him for that?

 

My apologies for the thread jack BTW.

[dreamingoftigers]

Oh man! You are one strong lady. Your poor daughter, how did you ever forgive him for that?

 

My apologies for the thread jack BTW.

 

When he actually fell apart and did his terms it changed things.

Lots of sadly funny moments over those months that's really reconnected us actually.

 

For instance: my father complained of his alcohol use, he complained about him nothing wanting my father around his daughter because of HIS alcohol use.

 

Frankly my husband's issues regarding his relapse were much more prevalent and my father's issues, while bad, had vastly improved becayse he had gone to the brain clinic a year earlier. Enough so that I was willing and open to my parents being grandparents for my daughter.

 

So, social services made terms for both regarding contact with my daughter and their alcohol usage.

 

For their complaining about each other they got:put in the same relapse prevention program. They got to spend every Thursday night together for eight weeks. LMAO.

 

We both had to do a 14 week domestic violence program becàuse my husband said he "had to leave" because I am a "crazy/abusive." Frankly he's lucky I wasn't a "crazy/abusive" because that pissed me off so much. He would come back from group and just be like "omg, I am sorry. Really really sorry. And, uh, I think I'm an abuser sometimes."

 

Meanwhile I am in group with women would've been dragged out by husbands/Bfs and other women who have done things like beaten up their boyfriends and wrecked their things. One drive a guys truck into his other car repeatedly. And I'm just sitting there like, "um, I eat too much pie. And sometimes when my husband brings home chocolate if he doesn't eat his share of it in a couple of days, I eat it. Then hes like "hey where's the hedgehogs?" Then I have to buy another box."

 

Lots of crying, counseling, assessments etc. and we fought like demons to get our kid back. He stopped fighting ME left and right so much and stopped trying to control how I FEEL about things so much which helped a lot.

 

I have anger still and frankly, I am facing some things that have still scarred me from it. It will be years. So I can't say that I've 100% forgiven or let go. He needs to push more too. But it is much better than it was.

[Coffeegal]

It's possible. I don't know for sure this has happened plenty of times. He does have his own computer in the basement and from time to time will spend hours downstairs. He claims he's either playing games or doing work. Many times I don't believe him but I let it be bc he's home. I know that's an excuse.

 

I should tell him that I will check his computer for something and see how he reacts. I'm thinking he won't like it but all least I'm not doing it behind his back.

 

I have not looked at him since that useless talk yesterday. If I do, I feel like punching him in his face. I was sad but now anger is building up.

[Thegreatestthing]

If someone did this to me,I wouldn't bother uttering a Word to them and would just leave.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

It's possible. I don't know for sure this has happened plenty of times. He does have his own computer in the basement and from time to time will spend hours downstairs. He claims he's either playing games or doing work. Many times I don't believe him but I let it be bc he's home. I know that's an excuse.

 

I should tell him that I will check his computer for something and see how he reacts. I'm thinking he won't like it but all least I'm not doing it behind his back.

 

I have not looked at him since that useless talk yesterday. If I do, I feel like punching him in his face. I was sad but now anger is building up.

 

Don't tell him anything. You need to snoop and get some more evidence, but I would imagine they are busy covering their tracks right now.

 

You need more proof and you need to tell him you aren't putting up with this - unless you want to and then there is no reason for you to be here.

[tired girl]

You already have enough proof. Your having trouble believing that what your gut is saying is really true, because he has trained you to believe what he has been feeding you. Stop believing what he is saying, and start believing in yourself again. At what point did you stop believing in you? Can you pin point that moment? It is hard isn't it? I know it was for me. I used to say the same thing to myself, as long as he comes home every night what does it matter what he is doing. Well, it does matter, it matters a lot. Because we know. We know what is going on.

 

So fix you, work on getting to a point where you are confident enough to tell him you are done, you don't need him. And mean it. It doesn't matter if this turns him around or not, because by that point you won't care.

[beach]

Look at evidence.

 

The computer is in your home - go look at it!

 

You have every right to look given that he not trustworthy. Finding out info is what you need now. For me, I believe you have enough but look further since you seem to want to believe he's not doing anything.

[Coffeegal]

Beach, he did more than enough. It was an emotional affair and that is something I don't take lightly. But ending my marriage so quickly is not why I got married. I will def make him suffer. Like tonite, he texted saying he wanted to sleep in our bed.mi said hell no. Make yourself a nice little bed on the sofa and think about how you treated me. I told him I don't want to see his face for awhile bc he can't respect me. He said hit I said sorry a bunch of times - what more do you want?

 

I replied, you can say sorry a thousand times, but if you don't mean it, they're just words. And I said its gonna take a long *ss time for me to regain SOME trust but its not guaranteed.

[tired girl]

Him saying sorry to you and backing it up with no actions, mean nothing. Words are nothing. It has only been my husbands actions over the past two years that have done anything to start to resolve the past 18. You also didn't get married so you could be cheated on and dis respected either. He has been the one to break the vows.

[beach]

Beach, he did more than enough. It was an emotional affair and that is something I don't take lightly. But ending my marriage so quickly is not why I got married. I will def make him suffer. Like tonite, he texted saying he wanted to sleep in our bed.mi said hell no. Make yourself a nice little bed on the sofa and think about how you treated me. I told him I don't want to see his face for awhile bc he can't respect me. He said hit I said sorry a bunch of times - what more do you want?

 

I replied, you can say sorry a thousand times, but if you don't mean it, they're just words. And I said its gonna take a long *ss time for me to regain SOME trust but its not guaranteed.

 

But he's not doing things to regain your trust.

 

He doesn't want to do the work on himself. He figures he can just figure he can still be at home, play house with you, ask you for sex and suffer no consequences.

 

Making him suffer doesn't fix the marriage!

[dreamingoftigers]

All that this is, is a punishment for cheating.

He'll wait it out and promise to be a good boy again.

And he'll resent it.

I'm not kidding. He isn't viewing this as a "chance" to anything.

He's just treating this like "oh she's pissed. Great. This is so going to bring down my week. Why does she have to be like this. Imagine how nuts she'd be if she found out the real deal. God I'm married to an un-fun b*tch sometimes."

 

Seriously. They don't get it.

[Mr. Lucky]

What is your reason for not having done that?

Like many of us that have been in the same situation, there's a part of you that doesn't want to know. That way you can hold on to plausible deniability and at least go on living your normal life a few days longer. Unfortunately, the sh*t almost always hits the fan...

 

Mr. Lucky