Boyfriend texting another girl

[April81]

I know this is long, but please read, I'm in desperate need of help! I just feel so lost and sad!

 

My BF and I have been dating for 1.5 years. I moved in with him a couple of months ago.

 

When we first started dating he was very much into having an open and honest relationship. We knew each other's passwords, he could go through my phone and I could go through his.

 

I had some guy friends he was uncomfortable with me texting, so out of respect for him I stopped communicating with these friends.

 

My BF had female friends he would text but he was always honest and showed me the messages, I even got to meet the girls and I ended up being friends with them! They were so happy for us being together.

 

But a couple months ago when I moved in I found out he had been texting this girl, Hannah, that I never knew about. When I asked him about it, he would delete the messages so I couldn't see. Then changed his lock screen code so I couldn't access his phone anymore. We share the same phone plan so I can see the last years worth of bills and I checked and since we have been dating he would text Hannahaybe 3-4 times a month but most months he never texted her at all, then starting in October when I moved here there are pages and pages of texts to Hannah, so he didn't start talking to her a lot until I moved here with him!

 

I was finally able to figure out his code and see their conversations, it wasn't anything sexual, but he downplayed his and my relationship. Hannah asked how Christmas was with me, our first Christmas together in our house, and his response was "it was okay". Even though I knew it was great, I got him a bunch of awesome presents. If this had been a convo with the other female friends his response would have been "Christmas was great!" But he downplayed it to Hannah.

 

Then Hannah started talking about another girl she ran into that had a crush on my BF and was asking about him. His response was, I hope you didn't tell her anything. Hannah responds, "I played stupid"

 

If this had been his other female friends, they would have told the girl he was happy in love with his new girlfriend and off the market. But Hannah's response was to "play dumb". And on top of it why would she even bring up this girl anyway. I think she was just trying to cause trouble.

 

Then the other thing that troubled me was he took my daughter and his daughter out to lunch the other day, they are 9 and 10 years old. He texted Hannah telling her he was taking his daughter out to lunch. Just his daughter, didn't even mention my daughter. It just feels like he's hiding me and my kids and our relationship from this girl!

 

I have met Hannah and I don't like her, she's about 6 years younger than me and 18 years younger than my BF, she's a trouble maker and I don't like her.

 

Why would he not be honest about Hannah like he was with his other female friends? Why would he hide her from me?

 

He's been distant since I moved in, stopped being the romantic man who swept me off my feet. Now he's hiding things from me!

 

I asked him if he still loved me and wanted to be with me and he said yes! He says he wants to marry me. Then there are moments he's the man I fell in love with again, but those are brief and he's back to the distant guy again.

 

I told him it would make me feel better if he would show me his and Hannah's conversations like he always did before with his female friends. He still hasn't shown me any! I reminded him how I stopped talking to my guy friends per his request and it has to be a two way street, but yet he still is texting this girl behind my back!

 

I just don't know what to do! He's the one who pushed for this open and honest relationship, knowing each other's passwords and what not, talked about respect for each other. I feel so disrespected and I have calmly talked to him about my feelings and he dismisses me.

 

I love him but I don't know what to do anymore!

 

We both were recently divorced with kids, my kids live with us and his kids visit every week.

 

Before he always made me feel so important in his life, now I just feel like I'm a maid, cooking and cleaning and taking care of his kids and mine.

 

It was our first Christmas together, he had his kids for Christmas, so I wanted to make it extra special. I mostly payed for all the presents for our kids, I got 2 hours of sleep, wrapping presents, doing stockings and baking cookies for Santa, then cooked a huge Turkey dinner. Then he tells Hannah his Christmas was okay!? His kids even said it was the best Christmas ever! And when it was time for them to go home a couple days later they didn't want to leave.

 

I'm not just a maid and a nanny. As much as I have ended loving his kids as my own, I'm not dating him for his kids, but I feel like that's all out relationship is anymore. It's like his and my relationship is gone and once again I'm just a maid and nanny like I was in my previous marriage! I can't live like that again!

Edited December 29, 2013 by April81
Typos

[D-Lish]

What you've described would be a deal breaker for me. According to what you know- he's being completely disrespectful and deceitful. Imagine what is going on that you don't know!

 

I'm a firm believer that you teach others how to treat you- and no one will show you respect unless you demand it.

 

You've addressed the issue with him, he is refusing to change anything- you continue to tolerate the behaviour. The only message that sends to him is that you're not likely to enforce your boundaries with him.

[April81]

Thank you for taking the time to read it all! I know it was a lot and I appreciate your responses!

 

It's hard because I gave up everything and moved 500 miles to live with him, I just got a job here and am supposed to start in a week...

 

I'm kind of stuck here until I can save money to move back I guess...

 

Just makes me so angry he would let me spend so much money moving me and my kids here just for him to treat me this way.

 

Before we would always take 1-2 weeks a month to see each other and he was amazing! My mom loved him!

 

Guess he's lost Interest in me...

 

Breaks me to the very core of my being. Especially after just getting out of a horribly abusive 10 year marriage. I just can't do that again!

Edited December 29, 2013 by April81
Typo

[Mariposa10]

I'd be super pissed off, if I were you. So do not think you're being crazy. I think he's testing the waters with this girl. He's 18 yrs older than him? So he could be her dad,

[newmoon]

Thank you for taking the time to read it all! I know it was a lot and I appreciate your responses!

 

It's hard because I gave up everything and moved 500 miles to live with him, I just got a job here and am supposed to start in a week...

 

I'm kind of stuck here until I can save money to move back I guess...

 

Just makes me so angry he would let me spend so much money moving me and my kids here just for him to treat me this way.

 

Before we would always take 1-2 weeks a month to see each other and he was amazing! My mom loved him!

 

Guess he's lost Interest in me...

 

Breaks me to the very core of my being. Especially after just getting out of a horribly abusive 10 year marriage. I just can't do that again!

 

 

you might be 'stuck' in your new location, but you are definitely not stuck with him and can move out and on if you want. women make the (sorry) dumb mistake of moving to be with guys all the time and are able to do just fine in the new city/location and you might even enjoy it where you are. but I think you already have the answers to what is going on; a guy that was once open and is now closed off, deceptive, and unwilling to be forthright is hiding something. it doesn't sound promising, so don't stay too long and regret that you didn't find a solution sooner. the other option is you want to stay with him is try to determine why he is texting/playing down your relationship with Hannah - is he getting something from her that you're not providing, or providing less of (ie emotional support, understanding, etc). your move to his location and in with him, and with the new job might have made you too focused on your own needs and emotions and less on his during the past few months?

[newmoon]

I'd be super pissed off, if I were you. So do not think you're being crazy. I think he's testing the waters with this girl. He's 18 yrs older than him? So he could be her dad,

 

 

my ex-bf was dating me for 3 years and obsessed with a girl he worked with that was 20 years younger. I had to hear about her all the time. I used to say 'you're old enough to be her dad,' but men just don't see the age that way - they think if a girl 20 years younger is chatting them up, then she is super hot for them and that makes them a super stud, lol

[MissyM007]

Tell him you're taking a break from him. Say you've heard his response to the Hannah thing and now you're going to decide if that's acceptable for you and if that's the kind of life you want for you and if that's what you want to teach your daughter about valuing yourself - say you have to do this because he clearly doesn't care. Be in control. He won't know what to do and will probably beg I think he's got far too comfortable. Ask him if this is how he was raised to be a man. !!

[BikerAccnt]

I don't really have any advice for you, it does sound however as if he's at least infatuated with this girl.

 

I really just wanted to let you know how badly I feel for your situation. My ex moved 600 some miles to live with me. We were together for 6 years before things fell apart. We are still friends. But I feel terrible guilt over her moving here, and giving up what she had, for something that didn't work. She tells me it's not my fault, she's a big girl and made her own decisions, but I still feel very bad about it. Its so sad that what started off with such expectations, didn't come to fruition.

 

 

Best of luck to you. You sound like a really nice, patient, and understanding woman. Hopefully he realizes what he's doing before it's too late.

[Mariposa10]

Glad to see that pervert is your "ex" now.

 

OP, keep us updated.

 

 

my ex-bf was dating me for 3 years and obsessed with a girl he worked with that was 20 years younger. I had to hear about her all the time. I used to say 'you're old enough to be her dad,' but men just don't see the age that way - they think if a girl 20 years younger is chatting them up, then she is super hot for them and that makes them a super stud, lol

[crederer]

Oh yeah, red flag. I was in your exact situation and it did not go well.

 

I mean word for word the post sounded just like my relationship. It doesn't mean the outcome will be the same but keep your eyes peeled.

[April81]

Just wanted to update everyone...

 

After my boyfriend and I had it out and he promised me he wouldn't text her again, I didn't believe him but I let it rest...

 

The next day I told him how much I appreciated that he agreed to stop texting that girl and it meant a lot to me, he had this look in his eyes that I knew he had lied to me...so I said you're keeping your promise right!? He said if she texted him he would text her back! So I went nuts! I told him that she's a cancer in our relationship and it was her or me! After I got no where with him, I decided to do what I thought needed to be done...

 

I texted Hannah and said:

 

Hey it's April...I just wanted to let you know that me and my boyfriend have been fighting a lot lately, mostly at the fact that you and him are texting a lot! It's gone from hardly any texts to 3 pages on the phone bill. I don't think anything inappropriate is happening, but he's been distant and hiding his phone and I have no friends here. All the other girls he texts I've met and I know, and I was wondering if maybe I could buy you a cup of coffee sometime and we could talk, I just feel like I have no one here and he's becoming more distant and I'm worried. I just need a friend right now!

 

So she texts me back:

 

Look what happens in your relationship is between you two, I have a job and don't have time for petty drama!

 

So I showed my boyfriend what she texted me back and what I texted her, next thing I know Hannah texts my boyfriend telling him that if I ever text her again she's filing a harassment charge on me!!!

 

I'm like what??? Harassment for offering to buy her coffee and talk like 2 adults!? Wow some high quality friend you have there! I never threatened her or accused her of anything!!

 

He got mad that she threatened to call the police on me, especially since he's a police officer, that won't work really well for her!

 

And I'm happy to say that they haven't text since!!!

 

I told him that she supposedly messaged him bitching about her boyfriend all the time but yet when I asked to talk to her all of a sudden that's petty drama!?

 

Since then my boyfriend is back! He's sweet and kind and the man I fell in love with! I fell asleep on the couch one night waiting for him to get home from work and he picked me up and carries me to bed.

 

Once again he tells me how I'm the most beautiful woman in the world and how he sees no other woman but me, because all other woman can't even compare to how amazing he thinks I am!

 

He brought me breakfast in bed one morning, just that amazing man I fell in love with is back!

 

I still don't think anything bad was happening between the two of them, I just think she likes him and if he talked about me to her she was probably saying bad things about me that allowed him to have a distance between us.

 

He no longer as a passcode on his phone and has given me all his passwords as I have done the same.

 

I think it helped to because one of his friends was in a similar situation where his girlfriend was being all secretive and he snuck into her phone and saw her texting all these guys, nothing too bad, but guys saying how beautiful she is and this and that. And my boyfriends friend said he felt that was disrespectful and he broke up with her around the same time me and my boyfriend were going through all that!

 

I know he would never cheat on me, but no matter how much I want to truly believe that I can't sit around oblivious, just like men can be snakes with women, women have the same capability to be snakey and try to cause a rift between two happy people!

 

Thank you to everyone!!! I can not express my gratitude for your thoughts and support! You helped give me strength that I wasn't sure I had, it allowed me to take matters into my own hands and either fix the situation or leave it...

 

Thank goodness it got fixed! *big hugs* to you all!

Edited January 5, 2014 by April81

[Mariposa10]

Apparently texting that other woman helped. I would've never been able to do that though. I would've felt like I had given her too much credit.

[EmilyJane]

I hate to say it but pack your bags and get out.

 

He's a cake eater. He wants the flirty sexy girl on the side and the wife. He's only going to do it again. Sorry.

 

Don't waste more energy on him coz I bet the breakfast in bed because he's been caught out being inappropriate lasts about a month max.

 

And in future stop being some dude's maid.

 

Stop showing your love by being a good housewife, like you have to earn your place.

Edited January 5, 2014 by EmilyJane

[winny]

Just wanted to update everyone...

 

After my boyfriend and I had it out and he promised me he wouldn't text her again, I didn't believe him but I let it rest...

 

The next day I told him how much I appreciated that he agreed to stop texting that girl and it meant a lot to me, he had this look in his eyes that I knew he had lied to me...so I said you're keeping your promise right!? He said if she texted him he would text her back! So I went nuts! I told him that she's a cancer in our relationship and it was her or me! After I got no where with him, I decided to do what I thought needed to be done...

 

I texted Hannah and said:

 

Hey it's April...I just wanted to let you know that me and my boyfriend have been fighting a lot lately, mostly at the fact that you and him are texting a lot! It's gone from hardly any texts to 3 pages on the phone bill. I don't think anything inappropriate is happening, but he's been distant and hiding his phone and I have no friends here. All the other girls he texts I've met and I know, and I was wondering if maybe I could buy you a cup of coffee sometime and we could talk, I just feel like I have no one here and he's becoming more distant and I'm worried. I just need a friend right now!

 

So she texts me back:

 

Look what happens in your relationship is between you two, I have a job and don't have time for petty drama!

 

So I showed my boyfriend what she texted me back and what I texted her, next thing I know Hannah texts my boyfriend telling him that if I ever text her again she's filing a harassment charge on me!!!

 

I'm like what??? Harassment for offering to buy her coffee and talk like 2 adults!? Wow some high quality friend you have there! I never threatened her or accused her of anything!!

 

He got mad that she threatened to call the police on me, especially since he's a police officer, that won't work really well for her!

 

And I'm happy to say that they haven't text since!!!

 

I told him that she supposedly messaged him bitching about her boyfriend all the time but yet when I asked to talk to her all of a sudden that's petty drama!?

 

Since then my boyfriend is back! He's sweet and kind and the man I fell in love with! I fell asleep on the couch one night waiting for him to get home from work and he picked me up and carries me to bed.

 

Once again he tells me how I'm the most beautiful woman in the world and how he sees no other woman but me, because all other woman can't even compare to how amazing he thinks I am!

 

He brought me breakfast in bed one morning, just that amazing man I fell in love with is back!

 

I still don't think anything bad was happening between the two of them, I just think she likes him and if he talked about me to her she was probably saying bad things about me that allowed him to have a distance between us.

 

He no longer as a passcode on his phone and has given me all his passwords as I have done the same.

 

I think it helped to because one of his friends was in a similar situation where his girlfriend was being all secretive and he snuck into her phone and saw her texting all these guys, nothing too bad, but guys saying how beautiful she is and this and that. And my boyfriends friend said he felt that was disrespectful and he broke up with her around the same time me and my boyfriend were going through all that!

 

I know he would never cheat on me, but no matter how much I want to truly believe that I can't sit around oblivious, just like men can be snakes with women, women have the same capability to be snakey and try to cause a rift between two happy people!

 

Thank you to everyone!!! I can not express my gratitude for your thoughts and support! You helped give me strength that I wasn't sure I had, it allowed me to take matters into my own hands and either fix the situation or leave it...

 

Thank goodness it got fixed! *big hugs* to you all!

 

Am not sure about this.

I just know that a good, honest, transparent and committed man, would have eyes only for his woman. No other girl would distract him. He would not feel the need to text any gal discreetly. He wouldn't lie.

 

I would advise you to be very alert and keep an eye on him.

If it happens again... you might have to take some tough decisions.

 

Good Luck!