Amberjanusz Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half now. He's the love of my life and we plan to get married. He makes me happier than anybody ever could. We've gone through a lot but always come out better on top. There's one big problem though.. His mom. At first she was so nice to me, after a while things started to get weird. He's 24 and comes from an upper middle class family. He works part time. I'm from a very very poor family but I work full time and go to school full time, I have a lot going for me and I am extremely mature for my age. My bf had to move home a few months back for certain reasons until we get our own place in the spring. We'll anyway... His mom was always kind of off but pleasant for the most part. I now have to deal with his mom budding in on every occasion and she just won't stop. She hates me for not being a rich catholic republican. I chose to study Buddhism and I work for everything I have and I'm a democrat she can't stand that. She talks crap about me when I leave and now always gives me an attitude. My bf told his parents he wanted to marry me ever since then she's basically flipping **** now. She tried to tell him to break up with me, she says that I'm a bad influence, that I'm too weird and I'm confused... Because I refuse to believe in organized religion (I think it's corrupt) but I'd never ever insult her beliefs. She can believe whatever she chooses everybody has a different opinion and who am I to judge. She gives him **** for using her car to see me but doesn't have problem with him using it for anything else. His car isn't working atm. She gives him an unlimited amount of money she pays all of his bills buys him the newest phones clothes electronics... Basically anything he can think of. Oh btw did I mention he's 24 and I'm 21. She never encourages him to go to school or get a better job.. I always tell him how great it is and I'll help him whenever he's ready to go. She wouldn't even let him see me on Christmas until like 11pm so I stayed over for a bit then we went to my house so he could sleep over to make up for it. She woke up(we were extremely quiet) she freaked out slammed the door woke everybody up ran after us and said that we have a horrible toxic relationship. All he was trying to do was make me happy and see me for Christmas. Then yesterday I was supposed to see him but she wouldn't let him use the car to see me she asked why don't I come over and he told her I feel too uncomfortable and scared to come over now all she did was roll her eyes and walk away. I tried everything to make her like me but she has some serious issues. All I've ever wanted was for her to like me, but now that she knows we're getting serious she's trying to sabotage my relationship. I love this man more than anything, or anybody. I do plan on marrying him but I want to be the adult and settle this childish issue she has with me. He's 24, it's time for him to grow up. She needs to accept it.. I'm the only one brave enough to talk to her but idk where to start.
TaraMaiden Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 If you study Buddhism, then you will doubtless know that you cannot change her, and you most certainly cannot change him. Follow the directions of the Eightfold Path and the first 5 Precepts. Be true to your calling and know that impermanence in all things includes very probably, this relationship. He is materialistic and so is she. And as an ex-catholic myself, I know precisely what you mean, and I can see where she's coming from too, as a catholic woman, with a matriarchal hold on her son..... All you can do is view their 'suffering' with Metta and karuna, and - walk away from this one. You are too much of a square peg in a round hole, and this will never work to any benefit for you.
Ruby Slippers Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 Your boyfriend will make the decision here. Either he'll bend to his mom's wishes, or tell her to back off until she can respect your relationship. I've been in 2 relationships with guys who had interfering mothers. One of them stood up to her, the other bent to her will. He has to choose to protect and defend your relationship from her attacks of his own free will. It's his choice. He might be strong enough to do it, or he might not. It's useless putting pressure on him. Let him make his own free decision, and see if that works for you, or not. Good luck! 2
Author Amberjanusz Posted December 28, 2013 Author Posted December 28, 2013 I just started reading about Buddhism so I don't know too much yet about it. I know she isn't gonna change.. I just want her to respect me. I can't stand feeling like I'm not good enough I did nothing to deserve this. The thing is he does stand up to her she still doesn't care she still thinks she knows what's best for him, so idk.. It's just so upsetting and I can't really do anything.. So it hurts a lot.
d0nnivain Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 I'm more concerns about your desire to make a life with a 24 year old who's content to live at home with his mommy paying all his bills who is not trying to get a full time job to get out from under his influence. I predict unless he gets gainful employment & cuts those apron strings you too will not be getting a place in the spring. Sorry. If you want to talk to her, ask her to lunch & ask her how she thinks that you & she can improve your relationship. She may not even agree to talk to you. If she does, just listen. Don't explain. Don't argue. Don't defend your beliefs. Just listen. 2
Author Amberjanusz Posted December 29, 2013 Author Posted December 29, 2013 Yeah, I'd rather not go to lunch with her. She's kind of a nut. She barely leaves the house but I have to figure something out. I told him I'm not waiting around forever for him to get his **** together though. The reason he's at home is because of an external situation. I understand why he is there... And I know that he knows I'm serious about it. So don't worry about him. I express my concerns about it. I'm not so concerned with him we can work through things pretty well. It's her, ever since he mentioned the marriage thing she's been freaking out. I just don't know how to bring it up, if I should, how to handle it, blah blah blah. I don't have a problem with him. I have A problem with her.
Author Amberjanusz Posted December 29, 2013 Author Posted December 29, 2013 All I know is I'm not negotiating with her. She's an adult I won't steal her son. He has free will? I, not waiting to start my life though cuz of her issues.
Eivuwan Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 You may have a problem with her, but it's his job to deal with it. Not you. 1
TaraMaiden Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 One, as one who also married at 21, believe me, you're far too young. Two, you have to develop your own self-esteem and total self-respect to give off the assurance and confidence that you deserve or merit respect from others. Three, she will never, ever respect you. You disturb her world, unsettle her calm environment and want her son. Leave this potentially toxic situation, now.
GemmaUK Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 So...he must be telling you some of this stuff for you to know about it.. It sounds to me like he is having a great time with all the attention from the two most important women in his life. If he cares for you as much as he claims then he needs to man up to his mother and stop with telling tales to you - we all know that quite often people will exaggerate information when it's passed on word of mouth. What responsibility is he taking for himself just now? If his car needs fixing why hasn't he solved that one as a first thing to ease the problems surrounding it? 1
Iguanna Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 I try to be fair here. I don't know neither of you people, but I'm just thinking. This woman seems too conservative, she is rich, she has whatever she wants. She raised her (only?) child to see him having a good life (as all parents do). In her eyes you are no more than a loser, poor woman who wants to take advantage of his wealth. I'm sure that's not the case but it's the way these people think. I'm wondering, this man who has grown up in a conservative environment, why did he choose a woman that different than him? Is he maybe trying to be the rebel to his mom? Does he really love you or are you the way to show his mom he won't do what she tells him? This woman pays him to obey her and do what she wants. It seems you have to go away from her, but this means you won't have the benefits of her money. This is your bf's choice though. Take a last chance to explain to her that you love her son and you are not interested in his money and if she doesn't stop being hysteric, tell your bf he has to choose between the 2 of you.
Gottabestrong Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 What does your boyfriend say about all that? How does he see your relationship going further, what are his suggestions to deal with the situation? My advice would be for you to cut her out of your life for now. Talk to your boyfriend and tell him you don't want to see his mother or have anything to do with her for the foreseeable future. You are in the right because she is the one being aggressive and belligerent. If he wants to see you, he will have to find a way to get to you, maybe by finding a job so he has enough money to repair his car or buy a bus pass? It sounds to me like his mother was fine with the relationship as long as she thought you were just casual and having fun, but once she realized you were serious she got desperate. Apparently she did not like you from the start and was hoping by waiting it out she could get rid of you. Sad situation indeed. I think ultimately it is your boyfriend who must make a decision on whether he is willing to stand up to his mother and tell her to at least respect you if she can't like you, but to stay out of your relationship. Or, he could decide that he rather not get into a fight with his mother and therefore he is going 'to stay out of this' and keep watching you be treated like that. Personally, I would not want to be with a man who made that choice. Good luck!
Ruby Slippers Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 Three, she will never, ever respect you. You disturb her world, unsettle her calm environment and want her son. Leave this potentially toxic situation, now. I think she should give her boyfriend a chance to step up. I was with a guy in my early 20s who had an interfering mother who gave him a hard time because he wanted to spend his birthday with me instead of her These kind of shenanigans continued and increased to the point of insults against me. At that point, he told her that he wouldn't have contact with her anymore unless she treated me with respect. Her bad behavior continued, and he didn't speak to her for a year, until she finally apologized. He said he was so much happier without her breathing down his neck and felt like a free man. Our relationship didn't work out for unrelated reasons, but I always respected him for standing up for himself as a grown-up like that. 2
dreamingoftigers Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 My husband and i both have a nutbag like this for a parent. What she cant see is that where shes trying to swipe at you, she is really disrespecting her son. I would be VERY blunt. "It seems that you dont like me, and thats fine. I wish it were different, but for the time being X and i are together. Thats up to him. If you have an issue with it, please be sure to mention it to him because youve already mafe yourself pretty clear to me with the slamming snd throwing things. I get it and im still with X."
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