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All's fair in love and war. Is it?

edgygirl

By edgygirl
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edgygirl Established Member

edgygirl

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I am feeling a total "moral hangover". I'm visiting my family's city on vacation. Went out with my best girlfriend who lives here and her friends several times in the past 2 weeks.

 

I ended up having a one night stand with a guy she's been into lately. Nothing ever happened between them. Truth be told I've been interested in him in the past but stopped it after she told me about her interest.

 

But yesterday I couldn't help myself when he hit on me. I feel terrible. But I knew this would be the outcome even before doing anything. Am I a bad person?

 

I think the thing that bothered her the most was that I mentioned in front of 2-3 people what was going on, and she's a very private person. (Yes I was totally drunk and I say things before I think and I was trying to make a laugh of the situation or make it lighter than it really was). Ugh I am so stupid.

 

So - here I ask: is all fair in love indeed?

Edited by edgygirl
Onethirtyeight Established Member

Onethirtyeight

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Everything is not fair. That said he doesn't sound like he likes your friend and it wasn't going anywhere so I don't think you ruined anything.

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edgygirl Established Member

edgygirl

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Yes he said he had no clue she was even interested.

 

Still I feel like a cow right now...

 

Everything is not fair. That said he doesn't sound like he likes your friend and it wasn't going anywhere so I don't think you ruined anything.
KathyM Established Member

KathyM

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Is a ONS really worth destroying a friendship with your best friend? Although he may not be so interested in her, the fact that she has designs on him will make it feel to her like you betrayed her. Not worth it.

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edgygirl Established Member

edgygirl

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KathyM you're right. It is/was not worth it. She's like a sister to me.

 

I can't grasp why I did it even though I felt it was wrong. I was so curious about this guy.

 

I do fear she won't ever trust me again and that I disappointed her deeply :(

Onethirtyeight Established Member

Onethirtyeight

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Yes he said he had no clue she was even interested.

 

Still I feel like a cow right now...

 

She's probably going to be pissed. Like I said though I don't think you ruined that relationship so I wouldn't feel too bad about it.

regine_phalange Established Member

regine_phalange

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Depends if you are talking about the love for your friend or the love (?) for your one night stand....

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edgygirl Established Member

edgygirl

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No not really. I guess I want to hear arguments on healthy ways to deal with what I did. And understand why I did it. My heart feels bad now and felt bad then so I don't think I'm totally crap.

 

And to understand, myself, why I wasn't able to hold myself and not do it. I think I am a little needy these days because of an undefined relationship I have back home. So when a guy that I find quite attractive wanted me, it was hard to say no and enjoy it and go for it.

 

So you want us to tell you it's okay to be a crap human being?

 

Nope.

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edgygirl Established Member

edgygirl

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She's ten million times more important to me than him.

 

But as I said the thing that pissed her off most I think was me disclosing her interest in him. Even more than me being with him (although she didn't like it either).

 

Depends if you are talking about the love for your friend or the love (?) for your one night stand....
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edgygirl Established Member

edgygirl

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Thank you for the constructive (?) advice...

 

There's an old anecdote: Don't eat where you s___t.

 

You obviously never heard it.

KathyM Established Member

KathyM

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KathyM you're right. It is/was not worth it. She's like a sister to me.

 

I can't grasp why I did it even though I felt it was wrong. I was so curious about this guy.

 

I do fear she won't ever trust me again and that I disappointed her deeply :(

You should apologize to her, as a first thing, and let her know that you value her friendship and would never want to lose it, and that from now on, you will talk to her before making any overatures to someone she has expressed an interest in. This is the type of thing that can ruin a friendship. I know several girls/women who ruined long-term friendships because they flirted with a guy that they knew their friend was interested in.

Onethirtyeight Established Member

Onethirtyeight

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You should apologize to her, as a first thing, and let her know that you value her friendship and would never want to lose it, and that from now on, you will talk to her before making any overatures to someone she has expressed an interest in. This is the type of thing that can ruin a friendship. I know several girls/women who ruined long-term friendships because they flirted with a guy that they knew their friend was interested in.

 

You should probably do this.

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edgygirl Established Member

edgygirl

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Thanks KathyM - I did write her apologizing. It took 3 emails to get things right but I think I did. She said she liked reading the 3rd email. But I know she's hurt and disappointed.

 

The bad part is before doing what I did I asked her at the underground dancing place if I could go for him and she clearly said "no". I refused a few times but after he insisted and always came back I gave in :/

 

Ugh she's been my best friend since '97... That's like 17 years!!! :o

 

I guess the best thing to do now is lay low and wait for her to calm down. I am afraid a little because she's that type that cuts strong friendships when someone disappointed her. And I am disappointed in myself for not being able to resist.

 

You should apologize to her, as a first thing, and let her know that you value her friendship and would never want to lose it, and that from now on, you will talk to her before making any overatures to someone she has expressed an interest in. This is the type of thing that can ruin a friendship. I know several girls/women who ruined long-term friendships because they flirted with a guy that they knew their friend was interested in.
Eternal Sunshine Established Member

Eternal Sunshine

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Unless you are basically in love with a guy, I wouldn't go there.

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GoreSP Established Member

GoreSP

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Well I think that the fact you backed off first says a lot.

 

This whole 'friends come first' bull**** goes both ways. You backed off and she didn't go after the guy and he went after you.

As far as I'm concerned you're fair game.

 

Do sit down with her and talk it out but if your friendship is so strong, you'll get through it.

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edgygirl Established Member

edgygirl

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Thank you - I also do hope we'll get through it.

 

To be honest I was a little pissed she said "no" when I asked if I could go for it. I mean, I was being considerate in a certain light. And I see as her not being considerate as well. I mean, attractions happens although I agree we don't have to act in every attraction.

 

Well I think that the fact you backed off first says a lot.

 

This whole 'friends come first' bull**** goes both ways. You backed off and she didn't go after the guy and he went after you.

As far as I'm concerned you're fair game.

 

Do sit down with her and talk it out but if your friendship is so strong, you'll get through it.

GoreSP Established Member

GoreSP

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Thank you - I also do hope we'll get through it.

 

To be honest I was a little pissed she said "no" when I asked if I could go for it. I mean, I was being considerate in a certain light. And I see as her not being considerate as well. I mean, attractions happens although I agree we don't have to act in every attraction.

 

My thoughts exactly. But you don't really need to say this her like this, ok?

 

But from what I read, you already apologized to her. At this point I think the rest is up to her.

Nothing more you can do really.

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Million.to.1 Established Member

Million.to.1

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Why did you tell him that she was interested in him? Not only run off and sleep with him, but sell her out at the same time?

Now she will feel embarrassed and rejected through no fault of her own whenever she sees him.

 

I agree that he is fair game and wasn't interested in her anyway. But the handling of the situation is terrible. You get to tottle on back home after coming in and creating a hurricane in her life and leave her to deal with it.

 

Whether or not what you did was right or wrong, you handled it terribly and owe her big time.

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edgygirl Established Member

edgygirl

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All I can say is you're absolutely right in all the things you said and these were exactly her claims. And I do owe her.

 

I was drunk although I know that's not a valid good excuse. When I drink too much I say things without thinking too much. I thought at the moment it was a "funny" way to make things lighter, meaning, if I talked about the absurdity of the situation, and to feel less bad about what I was about to do, if that makes sense. Bad judgement on my part, and a drunken stupor, that is absolutely unjustified.

 

The other reason I told him about it, was when he went to kiss me, it was the first thing I thought about and just said it: "I can't do it! My friend is into you".

 

Why did you tell him that she was interested in him? Not only run off and sleep with him, but sell her out at the same time?

Now she will feel embarrassed and rejected through no fault of her own whenever she sees him.

 

I agree that he is fair game and wasn't interested in her anyway. But the handling of the situation is terrible. You get to tottle on back home after coming in and creating a hurricane in her life and leave her to deal with it.

 

Whether or not what you did was right or wrong, you handled it terribly and owe her big time.

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bubbaganoosh Established Member

bubbaganoosh

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This story reminds me of what happened to my daughter when she was in high school.

 

Her best friend lived across the street. They did everything together and all was fine except my kids girl friend liked this boy and he didn't like her. Then he asks my daughter to his prom.

 

I said to my daughter that going to the prom with this guy knowing that your best friend likes him is a bad thing. Guys come and it's not worth losing your best friend over.

 

My idiot wife chimed in and said in so many words "all"s fair in love and war" and found nothing wrong with it.

 

My daughter said she was going to go to the prom with him and I told her that if that's what you want then go ahead, but before you say yes, you go over to your friends house, look her in the eye and tell her that your going to the prom with the guy she likes and see how she handles it. anyone care to guess how that went over?

 

Not only did she lose her girlfriend but she damn near got killed by her friends older sister and me along with the now former friends father had to come together and put a stop to the mess. He's a decent guy and didn't want my daughter injured or his daughter in trouble with the law.

 

She went to the prom with this guy and a week later couldn't stand him and told him to stop calling or she would call the police. He was a stalker and got arrested a month later for beating up a girl.

 

My daughter lost her friends in school and was a lonely kid for a long time after.

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edgygirl Established Member

edgygirl

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Wow bubbaganoosh what a sad story :(

KathyM Established Member

KathyM

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I'll add to that, my older sister broke off a lifelong friendship with her best friend from childhood when this friend had a habit of flirting with or taking an interest in guys that my sister had a romantic interest in. It shows lack of respect and lack of loyalty to go after someone you know your good friend is interested in. I've seen this happen with girls who had a romantic interest in my sons also. The girls were best of friends. Then one of them starts flirting with my son while knowing the other has an interest in him, and then all of the girls become enemies with each other. Loyalty is very important in any relationship.

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edgygirl Established Member

edgygirl

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Oh I hate girls who flirt with everyone, to feel good about themselves or so... I never do that. On the contrary.

nomadic_butterfly Established Member

nomadic_butterfly

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I am feeling a total "moral hangover". I'm visiting my family's city on vacation. Went out with my best girlfriend who lives here and her friends several times in the past 2 weeks.

 

I ended up having a one night stand with a guy she's been into lately. Nothing ever happened between them. Truth be told I've been interested in him in the past but stopped it after she told me about her interest.

 

But yesterday I couldn't help myself when he hit on me. I feel terrible. But I knew this would be the outcome even before doing anything. Am I a bad person?

 

So - here I ask: is all fair in love indeed?

 

If you knew but he didn't that she liked him that is super duper foul. I am not sure I'd trust you again or even having a man I am seeing around you, because you've already shown what you are capable of.

 

If you know what's good for you, you'd confess you got drunk and in a moment of weakness you slept with the guy she was crushing on and you feel awful and that is why you are confessing and vow to stay as far as the east is from the west from him.

 

If I were to be completely honest, it sounds like you kinda like this guy now too or else "all is fair" wouldn't even be in your vocab. WOW. This is so wrong. Thankfully my friends and I have different taste in men.

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GoreSP Established Member

GoreSP

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Kathy (and others who might agree with you) - would you ever really trust a woman again who did this and then apologized?

 

How about if your man cheated and apologized?

 

Isn't this essentially the same thing - a romantic/sexual betrayal of trust?

 

No it's really not the same thing. The other girl was in no way involved with the guy in question. She was just crushing on him and never even asked him out.

 

The guy was clearly interested in OP - so we can't realistically expect her to not go for the guy she likes if he likes her back because her friends has a crush on him.

Like I said earlier, this whole friends first bull**** goes both way.

 

And now that the guy and the girl aren't even seeing each other anymore, it would be ridiculous to ruin the friendship for this IMO.

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