Mixed messages from ex!

[adurrant]

Hey guys,

 

New poster here, basically my gf spilt up with me a week and a half ago, nothing really happened, she just said that she didn't feel the same anymore as she thought I saw it as something casual and backed off, this wasn't the case at all, but by this point it was too late, on the night she left I told her how I felt and showed it, then I went into nc, she still texts me from time to time just general chat that I don't really respond to, I always leave my reply till late at night and even then I'm bit distant, last week she said that she misses me and she's confused, but since then she came round to drop mine/families Xmas gifts as she got them all before the spilt, I gave her what I got her, got a text from her on Xmas day 'thanks for the Xmas gifts, merry Christmas' I replied 'merry Xmas, thanks you too'

 

So I haven't heard from her for 3 days then today she texts me 'hope you had a lovely Xmas and spent some quality time with your family'

 

I mean like wtf? I don't get her at all, so I replied 'yeah it was good ta, I don't want to sound rude but why do you keep texting me like nothing has happened between us? It's like you've forgotten that you spilt up with me'....

 

Wrong move? This is the first time I've just come right out and asked her.... I haven't bought up the relationship since she broke it off to me, so no begging or anything.

 

Thanks

[Kevin_D]

Breadcrumbs. Ignore them.

[TaraMaiden]

You're doing every possible wrong thing you could be doing.

Go No Contact (see the thread in my signature).

 

And trying to second-guess the ex- and their intentions/reasoning, is utterly and completely impossible and pointless, not to mention, totally useless.

 

The questions never revolve around their motives; the question - one only - should focus on you, and you alone.

 

"What should I do now?"

 

And the answer is always, but always "ignore them completely, period, for good."

 

You won't, of course.

But it's definitely what you should do.

[adurrant]

She texted me back saying:just because we're not dating doesnt mean I don't care bout you... I thought we could still be friends?'

 

Do you think this reply is ok (haven't sent it yet): I care about you too, but only last week you were telling me that you missed me. I can't be friends with someone that I love, sorry but if we can't date then it has to be this way'

 

Good idea or pushing her away too much? Am trying not to make things worse

[TaraMaiden]

I repeat: read the no Contact guide in my signature. Then, completely ignore everything and anything she communicates to you. Including that last message. Do not respond with anything at all.

[adurrant]

I repeat: read the no Contact guide in my signature. Then, completely ignore everything and anything she communicates to you. Including that last message. Do not respond with anything at all.

 

 

Tara, I haven't said anything during the breakup, mot initiated anything, I've been dead to her, only occasionally did I reply... She's not a horrible person, I did read your guide and that is what I've been doing (kinda) it's just surely telling her that I can't be friends then going complete nc would be wiser? By just ignoring her completely will just push her away wouldn't it and that would confirm that I don't care which is why she pulled away in the first place.

[TaraMaiden]

Tara, I haven't said anything during the breakup, mot initiated anything, I've been dead to her, only occasionally did I reply...

...Then you haven't been dead to her. Every time you've replied to her, you've kept the door open for her to keep bothering you. You are to blame for this, not her. The best way to 'be dead to someone' is to never, ever give them the slightest hint of interest.

 

 

She's not a horrible person, I did read your guide and that is what I've been doing (kinda)

No, it's patently obvious you haven't, otherwise she wouldn't be persisting....

it's just surely telling her that I can't be friends then going complete nc would be wiser? By just ignoring her completely will just push her away wouldn't it

Precisely. Which is exactly what you want. She's your EX. Out of your life. Finished. Period. It's over. Absorb that, and move on.

 

If you absolutely MUST text her anything, make it this:

 

"I cannot begin to heal if you keep contacting me. I would ask you to stop, because from this moment on, I'm going No Contact, and will be ignoring all and every attempt on your part to engage me in any dialogue whatsoever. have a good life."

 

...and that would confirm that I don't care which is why she pulled away in the first place.

She has more than "pulled away". She's dumped you. You're broken up. It's over. Finished. You are no longer an item.

Unless she actively seeks a full reconciliation with you, this is all selfish breadcrumbs. Quit doing this to yourself. You have to give every single appearance that you DON'T care. Even if it's only pretence, it's vital for your healing.

[Kevin_D]

By just ignoring her completely will just push her away wouldn't it and that would confirm that I don't care which is why she pulled away in the first place.

 

That's probably just a poor excuse. My ex did her best to blame me for the breakup as well, but after a while it became pretty obvious that she just wanted to experience other things.

[adurrant]

...Then you haven't been dead to her. Every time you've replied to her, you've kept the door open for her to keep bothering you. You are to blame for this, not her. The best way to 'be dead to someone' is to never, ever give them the slightest hint of interest.

 

 

No, it's patently obvious you haven't, otherwise she wouldn't be persisting....

Precisely. Which is exactly what you want. She's your EX. Out of your life. Finished. Period. It's over. Absorb that, and move on.

 

If you absolutely MUST text her anything, make it this:

 

"I cannot begin to heal if you keep contacting me. I would ask you to stop, because from this moment on, I'm going No Contact, and will be ignoring all and every attempt on your part to engage me in any dialogue whatsoever. have a good life."

 

She has more than "pulled away". She's dumped you. You're broken up. It's over. Finished. You are no longer an item.

Unless she actively seeks a full reconciliation with you, this is all selfish breadcrumbs. Quit doing this to yourself. You have to give every single appearance that you DON'T care. Even if it's only pretence, it's vital for your healing.

 

Tara, you're right, I know you're right, it just seems so aggressive, seems like it turns our memories of our relationship really bitter/sour when they were genuinely good (no love glasses on here), we got on great together and our families.

 

I know I sound like a broken record, it just sucks.

[adurrant]

That's probably just a poor excuse. My ex did her best to blame me for the breakup as well, but after a while it became pretty obvious that she just wanted to experience other things.

 

Hmmm, she did have a few family issues going on around that time I think that played apart of her decision, that's why I'm not 100% in telling her to get lost to be honest! as she said she was confused last week....

[TaraMaiden]

You're not telling her to 'get lost'. You're telling her you need to heal, and that in order to do that, you need to go no contact.

 

I'm sorry, but it does involve a bit of selfishness, if you will; if you don't look to your own well-being, then she certainly won't.

And frankly; this "I want to be friends" thing from her, is about as selfish as it gets. It's mainly for her own benefit; it gives her a 'soft place to fall' and she waived that right when she ended it.

[Kevin_D]

You're not telling her to 'get lost'. You're telling her you need to heal, and that in order to do that, you need to go no contact.

 

Well, if someone told me "Have a good life", I would most certainly interpret that as "Get lost". I would write something like this instead:

 

"I appreciate that you care for me, but I can't heal as long as you're contacting me, so from now on I will ignore your messages. I wish you the best of luck."

[TaraMaiden]

Much the same sentiment..... isn't it.....? 'I wish you the best of luck' is about the same kind of message as 'have a good life'....! At least, that's the way I'd see it....!

 

(Just bantering, don't be offended..... )

 

Besides, don't you think that needing NC is rightful selfishness? And that her 'let's be friends' is self-serving?

[adurrant]

You're not telling her to 'get lost'. You're telling her you need to heal, and that in order to do that, you need to go no contact.

 

I'm sorry, but it does involve a bit of selfishness, if you will; if you don't look to your own well-being, then she certainly won't.

And frankly; this "I want to be friends" thing from her, is about as selfish as it gets. It's mainly for her own benefit; it gives her a 'soft place to fall' and she waived that right when she ended it.

 

Yeah it's hard to think that she would use me to get over me, but it's something that I keep thinking of, I sent her a text saying I couldn't be her friend basically, not sure if to expect a reply, I've more and more read that IF people get back together then it hardly ever works out, this breakup was completely out of the blue, it's like everything was going great until something in her head switched, seeing as she got my Xmas presents and all that, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I just don't understand, I really wish I did, it would make it a lot easier, it's not like I did anything bad aswell, at least then I could blame myself.

 

I'm going to start volunteering soon, I'm seeing a councillor, so hopefully I'll wake up soon and feel okay, the constant thinking is the worst part, went to the beach alone today just to take my mind off it, then she bloody text me on my way home, so do you think if she was confused bout us that my text will put her into action? I guess it's a text that gets me respect anyway.

[TaraMaiden]

The only action you should pay attention to is a clear attempt at a full reconciliation from her. Right now, her messages are not mixed or confusing: she's just clinging to you for continued self-comfort. She knows you're dependable for back-up and support, but has no intention of reciprocating by rekindling the relationship. Therefore, the benefit is one-sided.

 

That, whether consciously done or not, is selfish.

 

You decide whether you are willing to continue being used in this way.

 

It's your call, buddy, but realise your decision will be directly proportional to how quickly you begin to truly move on.

[adurrant]

The only action you should pay attention to is a clear attempt at a full reconciliation from her. Right now, her messages are not mixed or confusing: she's just clinging to you for continued self-comfort. She knows you're dependable for back-up and support, but has no intention of reciprocating by rekindling the relationship. Therefore, the benefit is one-sided.

 

That, whether consciously done or not, is selfish.

 

You decide whether you are willing to continue being used in this way.

 

It's your call, buddy, but realise your decision will be directly proportional to how quickly you begin to truly move on.

 

I know mate, I just feel like I'm giving up... I'll just to see what she replies if she does, if bad which is what I expect then ill just keep moving forward, took me over a year to find a girl as nice as this, guess I've seen her true colours now, I'm worried when she replies as I know it'll hurt but at least I'll know where I stand.

 

If you don't mind Tara, everyone here is because they've been heartbroken one way or another, how did you get over it (if you have)?

[headinthecloud]

Listen to Tara. Please dont reply to her breadcrumb, she is trying to ease her guilt by asking to be friends. Go full NC and ignore, ignore, ignore. If she really wants you back she'll Find a way and will be very remorseful for initiating the BU.

 

And you will find someone else. Have faith in what will be.

[TaraMaiden]

I know mate, I just feel like I'm giving up... I'll just to see what she replies if she does, if bad which is what I expect then ill just keep moving forward, took me over a year to find a girl as nice as this, guess I've seen her true colours now, I'm worried when she replies as I know it'll hurt but at least I'll know where I stand.

Anything she replies will be bad, because it won't be what you really want to hear..... You already know where you stand. On the periphery.

 

If you don't mind Tara, ..... how did you get over it (if you have)?

 

I've had several relationships, and some I've broken off, others I've been dumped. But an awful lot of self-help and an active role within a counselling organisation has taught me much. All I can do is pass on what I know works.

[adurrant]

Morning, well she replied to me this morning: if that's the choice you have to make then I respect that.

 

So to me it sounds like she's sure now, I was thinking of replying with:ok, well you know where to find me if you want to talk things out, take care.

 

Good idea? After I send the message I won't contact her again.

 

I have a feeling that you'll tell me not to reply to the message but I feel like it's the last time that we'll talk.

[headinthecloud]

Anything she replies will be bad, because it won't be what you really want to hear..... You already know where you stand. On the periphery.

 

I've had several relationships, and some I've broken off, others I've been dumped. But an awful lot of self-help and an active role within a counselling organisation has taught me much. All I can do is pass on what I know works.

 

and thank you, Tara, for sharing your wisdoms. It means a lot us.

[headinthecloud]

There is nothing unsure in her response. She is simply saying, "Ok, do what you have to do because I don't care.". Don't read into it, just go full NC and start healing. This meaningless exchange with her won't change her mind, she is not in love with you. She does not want to build a life with you. Let go of the hope of what could have been. The person you fell in love with is gone.

[adurrant]

There is nothing unsure in her response. She is simply saying, "Ok, do what you have to do because I don't care.". Don't read into it, just go full NC and start healing. This meaningless exchange with her won't change her mind, she is not in love with you. She does not want to build a life with you. Let go of the hope of what could have been. The person you fell in love with is gone.

 

Even though she said she was missing me/confused last week? It's just hard to let go, knowing this will probably be the last time that I will hear from her.

[TaraMaiden]

Morning, well she replied to me this morning: if that's the choice you have to make then I respect that.

 

So to me it sounds like she's sure now, I was thinking of replying with:ok, well you know where to find me if you want to talk things out, take care.

 

Good idea? After I send the message I won't contact her again.

 

I have a feeling that you'll tell me not to reply to the message but I feel like it's the last time that we'll talk.

Oh god, listen to yourself.... clinging on to any crumb for comfort. it's utterly pointless! Do NOT reply now!

 

It sounds like:

 

"I'm not talking to you ever again.

No.

Shan't.

Never again.

Won't.

So there.

Can't make me.

I'll never say another word.

Silent as the tomb.

No more.

Not going to ever say anything to you again.

I'm done.

Finished."

 

It sounds ridiculous! Just leave it be now, and let - it - go!!

[adurrant]

Oh god, listen to yourself.... clinging on to any crumb for comfort. it's utterly pointless! Do NOT reply now!

 

It sounds like:

 

"I'm not talking to you ever again.

No.

Shan't.

Never again.

Won't.

So there.

Can't make me.

I'll never say another word.

Silent as the tomb.

No more.

Not going to ever say anything to you again.

I'm done.

Finished."

 

It sounds ridiculous! Just leave it be now, and let - it - go!!

 

Love is blind aye, guess it's true, I won't text her back, I guess it'll be childish to remove her and her family from my fb, I'm gonna stay off that thing for a while.

 

Guess it's time to let go, it's true if she really does regret her decision in the future then she'll find a way to let me know, it's going to hard to ignore her texts as I'll be thinking if I answer then she might tell me that she made a mistake, she doesn't seem the type to just openly say I messed up etc etc.

 

But I'm just going out tonight to take my mind off it, pub quiz, time to enjoy being single.

 

I know I'm hard work guys but I appreciate your comments!

[adurrant]

Guys,

 

Since I didn't reply to the above text from her last week, I've not heard from her at all, so I guess she is respecting my decision for not being able to be friends with her as I want more, its getting really tough now but I'm thinking its her birthday next saturday, should I send her a card? I guess if I want her back then I can't forget important dates like this, I was thinking of including a letter, quite a brief one, not appearing needy or anything, just basically saying that I've done a lot of reflection, blah blah and saying if you want to meet to talk about things, if not then I'll respect your decision.

 

Bad move?