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Ladies & Gents, STOP HOUNDING people that blatantly state their disinterest

nomadic_butterfly

By nomadic_butterfly
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nomadic_butterfly Established Member

nomadic_butterfly

Posted
Posted (edited)

OMFG I am soooooo annoyed. So after 14 months of not dating at all and 2 yrs of OLD cold turkey, I decided since I moved to a new state and back to America to put myself out there again. I sign up for OKCupid after my coworker raved about it. TBH, never even heard of it before her; only plenty of shet, Eharmony, Match, etc.

 

So I ended up meeting 3 guys and the 4th, I just exchanged #s with. Between the time I gave him my # and when I met the 3rd guy (within like a 2 1/2 week time frame) I delete my profile and decided I am still so over OLD.

 

I tell the 4th guy look, I changed my mind and I don't want to meet up with him. This was like 5 days in advance. I was turned off by him constantly blowing me up. I would be at work, crunching numbers for our clients during peak season and he'd be blowing me up. He was also foreign and I don't have interest in folks without greencards at this point. I already have one complex situation going and don't need another.

 

He then replies after I told him, "We will not be meeting. Wish the best on the site and in life."

 

He goes, "What happened sweety? I don't understand."

 

I go, "I don't think it's best we meet and I am saying it VERY nicely!!"

 

He goes, "I don't know why you think so. Ok, if you don't want, no problem. You have some bias."

 

You would think after me EXPLICITLY saying I am not interested BEFORE A DATE he would respect my honesty rather than me simply ignoring or fading out. He STILL TEXTS ME!!! Now he is cyber stalking me on all my apps like WhatsApp and Viber. He calls me!! I don't reply EVER. WTF??? I went to his country last year and the men were pigs, I was stalked, harassed, disrespected, asked for sex despite dressing conservatively b/c apparently all Americans are easy, but I didn't want to paint everyone with the same broad brush. I don't think I will go out with men of his nationality because obviously this behavior must be normal in their culture.

 

I owe NO ONE that I haven't lead on let alone MET IN REAL LIFE any explanation if I decide not to go out with them. We never even had a phone convo! Just loose plans to meet up that week.

 

IF SOMEONE SAYS THEY ARE NOT INTERESTED, BELIEVE THEM!!! UGH!!! HAVE SOME DIGNITY AND SELF RESPECT!!!

Edited by nomadic_butterfly
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MrCastle Established Member

MrCastle

Posted
Posted

It's a shame. This thread could have gone somewhere if it wasn't peppered with cultural stuff that will overshadow the thread.

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GemmaUK Established Member

GemmaUK

Posted
Posted

This seems to be the situation with anyone I was about to meet and changed my mind for whatever reason or met just once.

 

I think this is why many women (and I expect men too) these days just go quiet and say nothing instead of saying they aren't interested.

 

Choosing to date someone is now a very carefully thought out process as I don't want the hassle afterwards.

  • Like 1
writergal Established Member

writergal

Posted
Posted

Aside from the cultural reference, this thread reinforces why I despise OLD. Once you give your phone # to a date, then they can choose to hound you via text, IM and phone calls even if you never actually meetup with them in person. Yowsa.

 

So happy I'm not online dating.

  • Like 1
WP4046 Established Member

WP4046

Posted
Posted
OMFG I am soooooo annoyed. So after 14 months of not dating at all and 2 yrs of OLD cold turkey, I decided since I moved to a new state and back to America to put myself out there again. I sign up for OKCupid after my coworker raved about it. TBH, never even heard of it before her; only plenty of shet, Eharmony, Match, etc.

 

So I ended up meeting 3 guys and the 4th, I just exchanged #s with. Between the time I gave him my # and when I met the 3rd guy (within like a 2 1/2 week time frame) I delete my profile and decided I am still so over OLD.

 

I tell the 4th guy look, I changed my mind and I don't want to meet up with him. This was like 5 days in advance. I was turned off by him constantly blowing me up. I would be at work, crunching numbers for our clients during peak season and he'd be blowing me up. He was also foreign and I don't have interest in folks without greencards at this point. I already have one complex situation going and don't need another.

 

He then replies after I told him, "We will not be meeting. Wish the best on the site and in life."

 

He goes, "What happened sweety? I don't understand."

 

I go, "I don't think it's best we meet and I am saying it VERY nicely!!"

 

He goes, "I don't know why you think so. Ok, if you don't want, no problem. You have some bias."

 

You would think after me EXPLICITLY saying I am not interested BEFORE A DATE he would respect my honesty rather than me simply ignoring or fading out. He STILL TEXTS ME!!! Now he is cyber stalking me on all my apps like WhatsApp and Viber. He calls me!! I don't reply EVER. WTF??? I went to his country last year and the men were pigs, I was stalked, harassed, disrespected, asked for sex despite dressing conservatively b/c apparently all Americans are easy, but I didn't want to paint everyone with the same broad brush. I don't think I will go out with men of his nationality because obviously this behavior must be normal in their culture.

 

I owe NO ONE that I haven't lead on let alone MET IN REAL LIFE any explanation if I decide not to go out with them. We never even had a phone convo! Just loose plans to meet up that week.

 

IF SOMEONE SAYS THEY ARE NOT INTERESTED, BELIEVE THEM!!! UGH!!! HAVE SOME DIGNITY AND SELF RESPECT!!!

 

 

Why women feel the need to wish a guy the best in his search like she is an employer? Try just ignoring his calls in the future

WP4046 Established Member

WP4046

Posted
Posted
Aside from the cultural reference, this thread reinforces why I despise OLD. Once you give your phone # to a date, then they can choose to hound you via text, IM and phone calls even if you never actually meetup with them in person. Yowsa.

 

So happy I'm not online dating.

 

 

So only guys online do this? lol

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nomadic_butterfly Established Member

nomadic_butterfly

Posted
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Posted
Why women feel the need to wish a guy the best in his search like she is an employer? Try just ignoring his calls in the future

 

I was trying to be respectful rather than a "f$#k off" to someone who annoyed me, but didn't disrespect me. It's called being tactful. I'd want someone to be honest and courteous as I am the same.

 

I HAVE been ignoring hence my PERPETUAL ANNOYANCE because up to a few days ago, HE CONTACTED ME AGAIN via Viber.

Cinnimon Established Member

Cinnimon

Posted
Posted

Why don't you try telling him

"I was turned off by you constantly blowing me up. I would be at work, crunching numbers for our clients during peak season and you would be blowing me up. You are also foreign and I don't have interest in folks without greencards at this point. I already have one complex situation going and don't need another.".

I'm sorry , you led him on, gave him your number and then changed your mind. I'm sure he is left wondering WTF?

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nomadic_butterfly Established Member

nomadic_butterfly

Posted
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Posted
Why don't you try telling him

"I was turned off by you constantly blowing me up. I would be at work, crunching numbers for our clients during peak season and you would be blowing me up. You are also foreign and I don't have interest in folks without greencards at this point. I already have one complex situation going and don't need another.".

I'm sorry , you led him on, gave him your number and then changed your mind. I'm sure he is left wondering WTF?

 

HHmmmm...maybe we have two different ideas of what "leading on" is?? We met online, exchanged a few brief messages. He was pretty nice, it seemed, so I exchanged #s. We didn't talk for about a week after that.

 

Based on his texts and what he said (he preferred text over the phone b/c he English isn't so good) I highly doubt he would comprehend.

 

Leading someone on to ME connotes me telling him how excited I am to meet him, having long conversations, us planning a specific time, specific place, specific activities. Me flattering him, showering him with compliments. NONE OF THIS HAPPENED. If we met 3 times and then I don't give an explanation and I made everything seem fine, then out of nowhere drop him, to me, that's leading someone on. We established nothing of substance. WE NEVER EVEN HAD A PHONE CONVO.

 

Everyone is different, but I wouldn't be getting my panties in a bunch or feel "deceived" by someone I barely interacted with and never met me. I don't owe him an explanation. We never even met and barely knew each other before we made loose plans. It's not that serious to me. If a guy I'd been communicating with for months online or a guy I went out with more than two times did this, yes, I'd be upset. But even so, I respect myself enough to not harass a man who told me blatantly he doesn't want me. Plenty more where that came from on an online site in a metropolitan city with millions of people. Maybe I am too logical? who knows!

 

I guess we will have to agree to disagree :o

writergal Established Member

writergal

Posted
Posted
So only guys online do this? lol

 

Lol, no, I'm sure women do it to men online too!

Cinnimon Established Member

Cinnimon

Posted
Posted
HHmmmm...maybe we have two different ideas of what "leading on" is?? We met online, exchanged a few brief messages. He was pretty nice, it seemed, so I exchanged #s. We didn't talk for about a week after that.

 

Based on his texts and what he said (he preferred text over the phone b/c he English isn't so good) I highly doubt he would comprehend.

 

Leading someone on to ME connotes me telling him how excited I am to meet him, having long conversations, us planning a specific time, specific place, specific activities. Me flattering him, showering him with compliments. NONE OF THIS HAPPENED. If we met 3 times and then I don't give an explanation and I made everything seem fine, then out of nowhere drop him, to me, that's leading someone on. We established nothing of substance. WE NEVER EVEN HAD A PHONE CONVO.

 

Everyone is different, but I wouldn't be getting my panties in a bunch or feel "deceived" by someone I barely interacted with and never met me. I don't owe him an explanation. We never even met and barely knew each other before we made loose plans. It's not that serious to me. If a guy I'd been communicating with for months online or a guy I went out with more than two times did this, yes, I'd be upset. But even so, I respect myself enough to not harass a man who told me blatantly he doesn't want me. Plenty more where that came from on an online site in a metropolitan city with millions of people. Maybe I am too logical? who knows!

 

I guess we will have to agree to disagree :o

 

I'm sorry, I must have must have misunderstood this "I tell the 4th guy look, I changed my mind and I don't want to meet up with him. This was like 5 days in advance." as that you were interested in him enough to go on a date with him.

GemmaUK Established Member

GemmaUK

Posted
Posted

Have to admit also that if I have said 'I don't want to meet up again and do not want a relationship with you' I don't see it as leading a man on.

 

That approach still got me several months of calls and texts from 3 men.

 

I got a new phone in the end and got an app that blocks calls and texts.

I was also still getting texts from someone I dated for 5 weeks from 4 years beforehand which I wanted to be able to block - which was another reason for getting the new phone - my network provider cannot block calls.

 

Splitting up or saying no thanks these days seems to drag into a drama always - which is why I have pretty much given up on dating.

Cinnimon Established Member

Cinnimon

Posted
Posted

The reason I said she had led him on was because she met him online, chatted him up, gave him her number and set up a date with him and then abruptly ends it all. My understanding is that that hadn't had a first date yet so there was no I don't want to see you AGAIN. My thoughts are he probably is wondering what happened? I'm sure it happens all the time but it doesn't make it right. She states she owes him no explanation yet she's on here explaining to LS why she did it. I think he deserves to hear why more than we do. Just my opinion.

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nomadic_butterfly Established Member

nomadic_butterfly

Posted
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Posted (edited)
The reason I said she had led him on was because she met him online, chatted him up, gave him her number and set up a date with him and then abruptly ends it all. My understanding is that that hadn't had a first date yet so there was no I don't want to see you AGAIN. My thoughts are he probably is wondering what happened? I'm sure it happens all the time but it doesn't make it right. She states she owes him no explanation yet she's on here explaining to LS why she did it. I think he deserves to hear why more than we do. Just my opinion.

 

If explicitly telling him I am NOT interested doesn't suffice, I don't know what will. You seem like a rational person; I am a rational person; he clearly isn't as rational of a person as he is still bombarding with calls and texts and after HE said, "you don't want to, no problem."

 

"Chatting him up" = 3 back and forth brief conversations. Then a week later a suggestion by him to meet during the weekend. We didn't specifically say Friday, Saturday or Sunday. We didn't say Cheesecake Factory at 8 pm. None of that.

 

Only reason I am explaining on LS is b/c like him, I am sure there are other people on this board that probably behave in the same manner as him. I still stand by my perspective that if we barely even spoke, made no concrete plans and we haven't even met I don't owe any explanation and me saying I don't want to meet is very considerate. It's not like he had to take time off from work, already purchased movie tickets, game tickets, etc. to accommodate me. Why? Nothing was confirmed!! Only loosely spoken of plans.

 

As Gemma said, it looks like the fade out/ignoring is the best option but I personally hate that. At the same time I wouldn't ask a guy "why" if he said he wasn't interested under the same circumstance. Unfortunately, in my years of OLD, no one has ever had the cojones to tell me straight up they are not interested. They just vanish and ignore (AFTER CONCRETE PLANS or even meeting a handful of times) and when their 1st situation doesn't pan out, they usually come back around. I'd have much more respect for them if they would have just told me straight up. Instead most will lie and string you along to keep you around, "just in case."

 

It's not like he was emotionally invested in me. If he was, it might be indicative of mental, social and emotional problems with marginal reasoning ability. It was not that serious. I pity people who do take an OLD situation where they barely spoke, never made concrete plans to heart and so seriously. Saying I wasn't interested is not leading anyone on. Houdinis that just vanish after coming on hot an heavy are another story. Anyway, I digress.

Edited by nomadic_butterfly
Cinnimon Established Member

Cinnimon

Posted
Posted

Nomadic, I can understand where you are coming from to a point. I guess I am a bit jaded as I had a simular situation with a guy. We had chatted, exchanged numbers, sat up a date. He did exactly as you. So I ask him what changed, what happened, he said nothing, I said that is ridicules obviously something happened. I said I can understand if you no longer wish to proceed but I would like to know why the sudden change just out of respect. He said okay, I went out on a date with another woman I met and I think I would like to pursue something with her. I said, okay, thank you for telling me, I wish you luck with her. That was the end of that. Do you understand what I'm saying?

Was I angry or upset, No. Was I disappointed, well yeah, I'm human but I appreciated him telling me.

  • Like 2
HokeyReligions Established Member

HokeyReligions

Posted
Posted

It doesn't sound to me like you led him on. You made plans to meet. You changed your mind. You could have just not showed up and left him hanging but it sounds like your parents raised you right and you contacted him to tell him you changed your mind and would not meet.

 

That should have been the end of it. But he started stalking you. This has caused you stress and expense because you needed a new phone. In your place I would have got the police involved at this point, or had an attorney contact him.

 

BTW there are many different cultures and they all have different ways of thinking of and treating women. I have had the misfortune of having to or with some that totally disrespect American women. This is because they feel the behavior of American women is appalling. We should not compete with men on any level. Women have their place and if they step out of their place they are fair game for the most disgusting treatment, which they think is fine. I've run afoul of them here in America where I should have some recourse. I couldn't

imagine living in their country.

 

There are cultural differences. Acknowledging them is not racism.

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nomadic_butterfly Established Member

nomadic_butterfly

Posted
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Posted
BTW there are many different cultures and they all have different ways of thinking of and treating women. I have had the misfortune of having to or with some that totally disrespect American women. This is because they feel the behavior of American women is appalling. We should not compete with men on any level. Women have their place and if they step out of their place they are fair game for the most disgusting treatment, which they think is fine. I've run afoul of them here in America where I should have some recourse. I couldn't

imagine living in their country.

 

There are cultural differences. Acknowledging them is not racism.

 

Yea, exactly. I don't believe that every single man from his country behaves like him or the plethora I encountered on my holiday; that would be ignorant; however on a whole, many do. Whether or not we like to admit it, culture (like religion, etc.) has a heavy impact on our behaviors and perspectives. There are also a lot of people that watch American cinema and feel that this represents the consensus and it is unfortunate sometimes. Americans are seen in an unfavorable light in many many places around the world especially when the media and pop culture influences these perspectives.

 

I am honestly on the border line of telling this joker off. I've tried remaining dignified and respectful for too long but this is out of hand.

Cinnimon Established Member

Cinnimon

Posted
Posted
Yea, exactly. I don't believe that every single man from his country behaves like him or the plethora I encountered on my holiday; that would be ignorant; however on a whole, many do. Whether or not we like to admit it, culture (like religion, etc.) has a heavy impact on our behaviors and perspectives. There are also a lot of people that watch American cinema and feel that this represents the consensus and it is unfortunate sometimes. Americans are seen in an unfavorable light in many many places around the world especially when the media and pop culture influences these perspectives.

 

I am honestly on the border line of telling this joker off. I've tried remaining dignified and respectful for too long but this is out of hand.

 

Nomadic, I'm serious when I said I think you should tell him what you told us about him in your post. He is being aggressive, you should tell him the truth.

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nomadic_butterfly Established Member

nomadic_butterfly

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Nomadic, I can understand where you are coming from to a point. I guess I am a bit jaded as I had a simular situation with a guy. We had chatted, exchanged numbers, sat up a date. He did exactly as you. So I ask him what changed, what happened, he said nothing, I said that is ridicules obviously something happened. I said I can understand if you no longer wish to proceed but I would like to know why the sudden change just out of respect. He said okay, I went out on a date with another woman I met and I think I would like to pursue something with her. I said, okay, thank you for telling me, I wish you luck with her. That was the end of that. Do you understand what I'm saying?

Was I angry or upset, No. Was I disappointed, well yeah, I'm human but I appreciated him telling me.

 

He is one in a million, trust me! To date, I've never ever had someone tell me they weren't interested straight up. They wouldn't even telling me it was another woman they liked more until that didn't pan out and they come back around. Even in RL, I never had a guy grant me that courtesy either. Instead, the opposite. Promises of a relationship and then BAM, they disappear, or find excuses not to hang out, or I have to say it for them, "wow, are you just not interested?" Some guys think they are sparing a woman's feelings by this, but I like it given to me straight.

 

I guess if you were really into him, that would suck but I personally like to keep my feelings on reserve until we meet in person and I get to know the person enough to see if there's even a possibility there. I'm still friends with most the guys I've gone out with. I learned the hard way to guard my heart; for out of it flows the issues of life!

  • Like 1
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nomadic_butterfly Established Member

nomadic_butterfly

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Nomadic, I'm serious when I said I think you should tell him what you told us about him in your post. He is being aggressive, you should tell him the truth.

 

I'll take you and Hokey's advice and next time around I will tell him the truth followed by "if you continue to contact me and essentially harass me, I have no choice but to get the police involved therefore I hereby request as of (date) at (time) you do not contact me, through any medium or in any way shape or form again."

  • Like 1
Purepony Established Member

Purepony

Posted
Posted

I think the OP should block his number

Cinnimon Established Member

Cinnimon

Posted
Posted
He is one in a million, trust me! To date, I've never ever had someone tell me they weren't interested straight up. They wouldn't even telling me it was another woman they liked more until that didn't pan out and they come back around. Even in RL, I never had a guy grant me that courtesy either. Instead, the opposite. Promises of a relationship and then BAM, they disappear, or find excuses not to hang out, or I have to say it for them, "wow, are you just not interested?" Some guys think they are sparing a woman's feelings by this, but I like it given to me straight.

 

I guess if you were really into him, that would suck but I personally like to keep my feelings on reserve until we meet in person and I get to know the person enough to see if there's even a possibility there. I'm still friends with most the guys I've gone out with. I learned the hard way to guard my heart; for out of it flows the issues of life!

I totally agree with you on the other side, I have had men do the same to me and I didn't like it. In fact I hated it so much I decided I wouldn't do it to someone else. I will tell a guy I'm sorry, I don't care for your personality, I'm not attracted to you, I am interested in someone else, whatever the truth may be. I have found that they either one appreciate that I told them and they go away or two that I offended them with my honesty and they go away. I really hate the "game"........I wish people would just say it for Gods sake.Thats just me though, just my opinion. I wish you luck :)
  • Like 2
WP4046 Established Member

WP4046

Posted
Posted
Nomadic, I can understand where you are coming from to a point. I guess I am a bit jaded as I had a simular situation with a guy. We had chatted, exchanged numbers, sat up a date. He did exactly as you. So I ask him what changed, what happened, he said nothing, I said that is ridicules obviously something happened. I said I can understand if you no longer wish to proceed but I would like to know why the sudden change just out of respect. He said okay, I went out on a date with another woman I met and I think I would like to pursue something with her. I said, okay, thank you for telling me, I wish you luck with her. That was the end of that. Do you understand what I'm saying?

Was I angry or upset, No. Was I disappointed, well yeah, I'm human but I appreciated him telling me.

 

 

Well that is the down side of online dating.

KathyM Established Member

KathyM

Posted
Posted

Unfortunately, some men don't take no for an answer, and think that persistence pays off, and that by harrassing you, it will somehow change your mind into dating him. Some men are basically clueless. Could be a cultural thing, although there are these types of men in most cultures. They don't take no for an answer, and think you will change your mind if they bother you enough. If he's contacting you on various social media and you can't just block him, then send him a message that what he is doing is considered harrassment and is illegal, and if he doesn't stop immediately, you will be reporting him to the police.

theothersully Established Member

theothersully

Posted
Posted

The right thing to do would have been to just tell the truth.

 

You made it see! like it was as him when it wasn't.

 

So... the right thing would be to say you met other guys and were done or that you are quitting dating people from online.

 

The truth is always best. Note, there are no follow up questions to the truth.

 

Women should stop lying and doing nc in these cases. All a guy is looking for is a reason so he can evaluate what happened and move on. You deny him that with either lies or nc.

 

Just tell the truth, then ignore him or yell at him if he does not listen.,

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