Opportunity for second chance perhaps?

[starbird]

I may have a second chance coming up with my ex and I need to not blow this up. So maybe some advice or suggestions or stories would help me.

 

My ex left seven weeks ago. I came home and all his stuff was gone and he left me a three page letter on the bed. He left because of my anxiety about the relationship and how I had a lot of trouble controlling my emotions, leading to some really BAD fights and me admittedly acting like a crazy person sometimes. We had been together for three and a half years, living together for three years.

 

I was always super anxious about the relationship, having intense abandonment issues (from death of my mother when I was 17 and a divorce where I was left). I was always doubting his feelings, his commitment, pushing for more, more more and always criticizing him. I pushed HARD for marriage and engagement and was upset that he would never take that step. He always said he was willing to if i would just back off and we could stop fighting. I would always see the evidence of him not loving me enough, instead of just seeing what he was doing to show that he cared. I would be jealous, suspicious, snoop, etc. I really pushed him away.

 

So after he left, I was able to see him once for a brief meeting before he flew across the country to stay with his parents. It was emotional, me apologizing for driving him away, him needing time and space, and not sure if it was a break up or a break. we kissed before we parted. For the last seven weeks, he has been across the country.

 

He flies back to our home city on Tuesday. We have talked twice (on Skype) in the seven weeks - once started by me, once started by him. He is getting a new apartment but is open to seeing me when he comes back and seeing where it might go, but has doubts about us, if i can really change, it's confusing, etc. Still loves me but not sure if he can be with me or if we can really have a different relationship. Doesn't want any sort of pressure from me.

 

While he has been gone, I have been working really hard to solve my issues. I got myself a psychological assessment, been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, been regularly going to DBT therapy (been six times now, and committed to continue going), and been going to massage therapy and acupuncture weekly. I'm on a waiting list for a skills training group for DBT to manage anxiety that meets once a week for six months. May get into that by middle of January. I'm really dedicated to solving these issues. Went to doctor and got prescription for Ativan. Been seeing friends, throwing myself into work, trying new hobbies (baking, knitting), going for walks, drinking tea, trying to be a calmer person.

 

I still miss him so much. I love him and I want to be his partner. I really want a second chance, but have a hard time dealing with the uncertainty. It feels like once he gets this new apartment, he's not going to want to be with me. Or my anxiety will mess it up again. Or that we will never be able to repair it. Or that he will see me once, and decide he has no feelings left or that it is too much hassle to deal with me and start with someone new. Now that it is coming so close to his coming back to Vancouver, I feel so much pressure.

 

I want to be realistic about this. I am just trying to figure out where realistic is. I was always so anxious about it ending, so maybe I just need to be really positive about a possible new beginning? Or is that setting myself up for failure and being delusional and not accepting that it may be over?

 

I haven't heard from him since Chrtmas, he texted me "Merry Christmas :)"

I don't know if i should contact him, or wait for him to contact me, or how I should act on the first meeting again. All I want to do is give him a huge hug and kiss him but maybe that is too forward? I feel my anxiety ramping up. I am getting mixed messages from everyone around me - lots are saying "It's over, accept it, move on, let go" others are saying "if he loves you and is open to seeing you, that means you may have a chance". We do have to see each other at least once, as he needs to return my apartment keys and he has some stuff still here/motorcycle in parking garage. So either way, I feel like I have to make this meeting count. I don't want to be friends though or friends with benefits or anything like that but I know I can't just expect us to be boyfriend/girlfriend again. Any advice about that? Finding the right balance? I guess it could be like dating someone new but with shared history that is hard.

 

I'm trying to think what else is relevant... maybe ages? I am 27, he is 39. Ask if you have anymore questions. Thank you for your time.

[AlphaC]

I may have a second chance coming up with my ex and I need to not blow this up. So maybe some advice or suggestions or stories would help me.

 

My ex left seven weeks ago. I came home and all his stuff was gone and he left me a three page letter on the bed. He left because of my anxiety about the relationship and how I had a lot of trouble controlling my emotions, leading to some really BAD fights and me admittedly acting like a crazy person sometimes. We had been together for three and a half years, living together for three years.

 

I was always super anxious about the relationship, having intense abandonment issues (from death of my mother when I was 17 and a divorce where I was left). I was always doubting his feelings, his commitment, pushing for more, more more and always criticizing him. I pushed HARD for marriage and engagement and was upset that he would never take that step. He always said he was willing to if i would just back off and we could stop fighting. I would always see the evidence of him not loving me enough, instead of just seeing what he was doing to show that he cared. I would be jealous, suspicious, snoop, etc. I really pushed him away.

 

So after he left, I was able to see him once for a brief meeting before he flew across the country to stay with his parents. It was emotional, me apologizing for driving him away, him needing time and space, and not sure if it was a break up or a break. we kissed before we parted. For the last seven weeks, he has been across the country.

 

He flies back to our home city on Tuesday. We have talked twice (on Skype) in the seven weeks - once started by me, once started by him. He is getting a new apartment but is open to seeing me when he comes back and seeing where it might go, but has doubts about us, if i can really change, it's confusing, etc. Still loves me but not sure if he can be with me or if we can really have a different relationship. Doesn't want any sort of pressure from me.

 

While he has been gone, I have been working really hard to solve my issues. I got myself a psychological assessment, been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, been regularly going to DBT therapy (been six times now, and committed to continue going), and been going to massage therapy and acupuncture weekly. I'm on a waiting list for a skills training group for DBT to manage anxiety that meets once a week for six months. May get into that by middle of January. I'm really dedicated to solving these issues. Went to doctor and got prescription for Ativan. Been seeing friends, throwing myself into work, trying new hobbies (baking, knitting), going for walks, drinking tea, trying to be a calmer person.

 

I still miss him so much. I love him and I want to be his partner. I really want a second chance, but have a hard time dealing with the uncertainty. It feels like once he gets this new apartment, he's not going to want to be with me. Or my anxiety will mess it up again. Or that we will never be able to repair it. Or that he will see me once, and decide he has no feelings left or that it is too much hassle to deal with me and start with someone new. Now that it is coming so close to his coming back to Vancouver, I feel so much pressure.

 

I want to be realistic about this. I am just trying to figure out where realistic is. I was always so anxious about it ending, so maybe I just need to be really positive about a possible new beginning? Or is that setting myself up for failure and being delusional and not accepting that it may be over?

 

I haven't heard from him since Chrtmas, he texted me "Merry Christmas :)"

I don't know if i should contact him, or wait for him to contact me, or how I should act on the first meeting again. All I want to do is give him a huge hug and kiss him but maybe that is too forward? I feel my anxiety ramping up. I am getting mixed messages from everyone around me - lots are saying "It's over, accept it, move on, let go" others are saying "if he loves you and is open to seeing you, that means you may have a chance". We do have to see each other at least once, as he needs to return my apartment keys and he has some stuff still here/motorcycle in parking garage. So either way, I feel like I have to make this meeting count. I don't want to be friends though or friends with benefits or anything like that but I know I can't just expect us to be boyfriend/girlfriend again. Any advice about that? Finding the right balance? I guess it could be like dating someone new but with shared history that is hard.

 

I'm trying to think what else is relevant... maybe ages? I am 27, he is 39. Ask if you have anymore questions. Thank you for your time.

 

Sorry but I have to agree with some of your friends , the ones that say get over it. You have anxiety and are now taking medication. You know what this tells him, it basically affirms his decision to break up with you, he thought you had mental issues and now your doctor confirmed it. You need to worry about your well being first. Also 7 weeks post break up is not enough time for you to change, heal and grow. Let him pick up his bike and focus on what's best for you!

[starbird]

Thank you for responding.

 

I know I am not completely cured or anything, but the fact that I am taking steps to address my anxiety and getting help is a good thing. I don't think that would affirm his decision to leave, it is actually helping solve the problem of why he felt he had to leave. If I am able to get treatment and stop acting in the way I had been before, I think that could only help as that was the only major problem in our relationship.

[xUnknown]

"if he loves you and is open to seeing you, that means you may have a chance".

 

I'm on this end of the spectrum.

 

First, DO NOT go in for a kiss. That will definitely be too forward and push him away. When you meed that first time, act casual. You have to show him that you have improved. Be friendly, not clingy, not head over heals for the guy. You'll have to make him want you.

[happydate]

Thank you for responding.

 

I know I am not completely cured or anything, but the fact that I am taking steps to address my anxiety and getting help is a good thing. I don't think that would affirm his decision to leave, it is actually helping solve the problem of why he felt he had to leave. If I am able to get treatment and stop acting in the way I had been before, I think that could only help as that was the only major problem in our relationship.

 

You may be the victim of your own mental anguish, but has he willingly take steps in forgiving completely who you really are? And what can you offer to bring to the table for the relationship to make a go again while you're on treatment other than sex? What is it in you that is so special to him that no other women can offer? If you can easily answer this question, then you have a second chance. If you don't, then what makes you think he may consider meeting another woman without the kinds of issues you have?

[2fargone]

yup... I'd say you have a chance. The appartment means nothing. The age difference also means nothing. Your anxiety, although I just have to go 'by ear' on this, might be a problem.

 

 

Let him initiate. Go with the flow. Try and keep yourself under control. He might not have to see 'a new you' but just need some time. Some improvement on your behalf doesn't need to be 'a new you', because he might not like 'a new you'. Keep that in mind...

[d0nnivain]

The fact that you have taken meaningful affirmative steps to address your afflictions is a huge positive step. It may help him want to come back but it might not. He didn't just up & leave a 3 year living together relationship on a whim. He may be done.

 

 

If he is, continue your therapy. Your doctor will help you through this & will address your abandonment issues while you are in an acute state. Then you will be better prepared for your next relationship.

[starbird]

I will keep up with therapy no matter what. I am not just going in a bid to get him back - I need to get this anxiety under control for myself. I am sick of living in a world of worries and doing things that drive people away when I really want to bring them closer. I do know that if this doesn't work out (the relationship with ex), that I need these skills for the next relationship. I also plan on not dating until probably the summer to give myself enough time to move on and heal before trying to get back out there. I already feel like it has been a great help - I am doing DBT therapy so it is very focused on building distress tolerance skills and coping skills and is considered to be pretty fast acting.

 

The old me would not have been able to tolerate seven weeks apart with only two Skype calls, even if it was an ex. I would have been calling his cell, his parent's house, trying to get his friends involved in helping me win him back, writing letters, texting, trying to break into his email, thinking about flying over there to win him back, etc (I know, I can be a nightmare and I never want to do stuff like this again). So I have seen a big improvement already in being able to stop doing those toxic things and being able to deal with the emotions in a much more positive way. I think he might be a bit surprised that I have been able to back off so much.

 

I know he might be done and that is a really hard thing to deal with. I will have to accept that gracefully if that is so. He tried really hard for a long time with me. I love him very much and I know that I drove him away. I feel very guilty that I caused him stress and pain and that I didn't get help sooner before pushing it to this point. I wish I could have seen things with a clearer head and seen what I was doing. These seven weeks have really given me a lot of perspective, that's for sure.

 

It does seem like the door, if not open, is at least not locked. So I'm going to try to just have some positive meetings with him and see how it goes. There are a lot of really great things about me when I am not stressed and anxious, so I just have to find those parts of me again and remind him about the woman he fell in love with. I think you are right, 2fargone, about him not needing a new me. He loves me, but he doesn't love my anxiety or the desperate behaviours that it drives me too. I really think if I can get this anxiety under control that he wouldn't have any other big things keeping himself from me.

 

Thank you all who have replied so far.

[starbird]

So I have an update.

 

He flew back into town on Dec. 31st. We had made plans to see each other on New Year's Day, but I ended up seeing him that night. We are good friends with the neighbours across the hall and I popped over there to have a drink. My ex ended up swinging by to go to the casino and we ended up seeing each other for an hour before he left for the casino and I left for my party. We hugged a few times and had small talk about how his flight was, his plans for New Years etc. He got his new apartment and it is literally a block down the street from me. I found it interesting that he is so close and he made a point to say it wasn't a lease, but month to month.

 

The next day we met for sushi. We just talked about things and had a nice dinner although both of us were pretty hung over. We came back to my place and he gave me back my keys and got the rest of his stuff. Then we started talking. He feels really hurt and scared to try again but is open to seeing me occasionally to see how things go if we take things really slow and I don't pressure him. He says he feels like he wont be able to tell i have changed inless he lives with me again, and he is not willing to put himself into the same bad situation as before. He says it's a longshot and he is scared I can't change. He said he needs to focus on returning to work and his new apartment and getting his life back together. He says he loves me and misses me. He talked about maybe in a week we could see each other again. We shared a small kiss when I asked for one (probably shouldn't have asked, I know).

 

Everything seems confusing. How do you take it slow with an ex? How do I show my changes? What is seen as too muh pressure? I am planning to not bother him until he contacts me again and hopefully we will get another date. Also what is it about living so close to me? We are going to run into each other all the time - the liquor store, the Starbucks, the grocery store, etc (I live downtown so everything is within a black). I asked him about it and he says he liked the area.

Edited January 3, 2014 by starbird
Spelling and added details

[BC1980]

This probably won't end well I'm afraid. He's made all the moves to end the relationship and is probably keeping you as a backup plan. I would initiate no contact with him. He's got to do all the work, but you move on with your life in the meantime.

[Xemyd]

How do you take it slow with an ex? How do I show my changes? What is seen as too muh pressure?

 

 

Taking it slow would be showing him you're putting more effort in yourself than getting him back. Focus on yourself and keep him on the back burner, obviously he's not wanting to rush anything anyways.

[Simon Phoenix]

Taking effort would mean stop meeting him and actually work on yourself.

[starbird]

I am working on myself. I am going to therapy, seeing friends, starting new hobbies and focusing on work. But I love him and still want to be with him. I think second chances are possible, I don't know how not seeing him is the answer to reconnecting. We have already spent two months apart. We talked about seeing other once every week or two to start and see what happens. I want advice on how to make those times good and get back together. He still loves me.

[BC1980]

I am working on myself. I am going to therapy, seeing friends, starting new hobbies and focusing on work. But I love him and still want to be with him. I think second chances are possible, I don't know how not seeing him is the answer to reconnecting. We have already spent two months apart. We talked about seeing other once every week or two to start and see what happens. I want advice on how to make those times good and get back together. He still loves me.

 

If he truly wants to see how it goes, the best advice is to let him initiate all contact for awhile. That's really all you can do besides continue to work on yourself.

[Omei]

When if you guys hang out do not spill your heart, gush ask/talk about the past relationship.

 

You want your best shot? Smile, act happy, be awesome to be around show the change and def dont do the things I said above.