My story

[mutualove]

When I first joined LS(something I'd never thought I'd do) I had the kind of feelings I never had before.I'm sure most of you here have experienced it that's why you're here in the first place.My first topic is still here and back then I was in an extremely dark place.Insomnia,lack of appetite,sadness,the feeling of being used,... .Anyways let's get to the story.

 

She and I were together for about 8 months.I truly had never felt the way I did for her and I'm 22 just like her.We would talk to each other almost every single day and night and never really did have any major problems other than tiffs which I guess is inevitable for everyone(small stuff and seldom).

 

The problem was due to some mutual circumstances so I couldn't tell her that I was considering having a serious relationship with her.I needed some time(months) to pass for that to happen and I don't regret waiting.Besides we were already talking to each other on a daily basis and really had a special connection so I wasn't in a rush and didn't need to be either.

 

Fast forwarding 8 months,one night I was talking to her best friend(who was my friend too) on the phone and our conversation which I think was about her latest relationship led to her asking me how I felt about this girl.By that time I was in love with her(not talking about the best friend) but I couldn't answer her question for a couple of reasons.

 

Firstly I wasn't that comfortable with her especially talking about something like this when she hasn't even asked me that and secondly I couldn't completely trust her even though she promised she'd never tell her anything(should have followed my gut,always follow your gut people!).Anyways I told her half the truth which was yeah I really liked her and I always found her especial and unique but I couldn't love her because of our circumstances.she was one of my friend's GF but they were over before I came along and I wanted some time to pass to avoid any chances of a rebound relationship and possibly ducking any awkward situations.

 

Anyhow about 3 weeks after that phone convo she asked me the long-awaited question.She'd tell me before that she had a question to ask me and I knew well what she had in mind.The problem was she would say she knew the answer(in reality she thought she knew).Her opinion was biased because her best friend had told her what I had had said before.

 

I told her that I loved her and I found out she loved me too because I asked her and she said the ILY back.

 

So what was the problem??Well right after that she felt confused.She seemed to not have any answers herself as if even she didn't know.I was looking for answers and she didn't seem to have any.

 

She said she'd need some time and we agreed on a week(yeah I know now no need to tell me!).That was the worst week of my life.It was nothing but pain.That was the week I discovered LS.But didn't find the comfort I was looking for so I turned to a friend who helped me a lot and basically gave me the same advice as here.

 

After a week she did contact me but acted like nothing had happened.Just normal chit-chat.It happened again a couple of days after that.So I decided to call her to have a serious conversation and tell her where are we going with this and that I have plans for my future and need to know because I’m spending my time here.She said she thought since I didn’t mention anything I wanted less contact(more like normal friends) to sort it out and apologized that she misunderstood.I had asked her to think about whether or not she could be in a relationship with me.Apparently she couldn't then.

 

She said she’d message me and call me every now and then and that she’d be there whenever I needed anything and I told her I couldn’t be normal friends with her(I’d said that earlier too).These are the last two messages we exchanged:

 

“I wanted to love you and give you serenity and you’d be the same with me too but if you think you’d be happier and have more tranquility with someone else or if you think I it’s better if I’m not around I’m ok with that.It’s your choice and definitely do what you want to.Wish you the best.”

 

To which she responded:

 

“Your presence has always been a comfort to me.

I’ve always preferred you,wanted to talk to you.and it’ll stay this way.you’re the best guy I’ve met.I’ve no doubt you’ll remain the best..

But I don’t want to ruin the good things in your mind about me and vice versa.

At least for a while or maybe..

What you said were completely true,I don’t have the right to prevent you from succeeding in life.

I didn’t get upset at all and didn’t take it the wrong way either .Things you said were true.”

 

And that was that.I felt an urge to reply to her last message (mostly due to those last two lines because I never said she was a hurdle in my future plans) but didn’t and went straight to NC from there.It’s been about 7 weeks now.

I’m glad I didn’t beg in the end.I kind of did a little before that one week but I’m happy the way it ended.Sure I didn’t get any closure and she sounded very confused in the end(GIGS maybe?) but I didn’t really dig into it because I believe you shouldn’t be asking the questions you don’t want the answers to.

 

Barky's thread,The GIGS thread and the no contact guide thread were quite helpful and I really appreciated them.I found them in the right time I guess.

 

That's it people.The reason I'm here.Feels good to finally have this off my chest.Thanks all.

[Imsojdm]

Feels better just getting it off your chest doesn't it

 

Sound like you done the right thing

 

Good on you

[mutualove]

Yes it does.

Looking back I feel like I did what I should've done even though sometimes my instincts were completely different.I guess I could say that I walked away with my head held high.No begging,no being friends even though I was more attached than I thought because I was a mess.

 

Funny thing is I'm not the kind of guy that gets attached to people that easily (I'm not an emotionally unavailable person though)and somehow she managed to do just that and that's why I fell for her so badly.But here I am today and "good" days are more than the "bad" days now even though I seem to go up and down like a someone riding a horse.

[mutualove]

I remember telling this story to a female friend of mine who's four years older than me so I thought she'd shed some light as I was confused as hell.Even she was baffled and couldn't understand.I guess there's no telling when it comes women.Some outside opinions would be nice.

[mutualove]

Don't know why I'm feeling blue all of a sudden.It's almost two months nc but sometimes i get these crazy thoughts about her even though sometimes i don't even care what she's up to or who she's with that is if she's with anyone.idk.Before the break up everything was great so i have no choice but to think she was using me for her own well being but that's no the person i knew at all.You think you know someone until you don't.I wonder how people with years of relationship cope with such lousy break ups because one party is narcissist and gutless.And tends to play with the other person's feelings.

I'm not the kind of person that gets attached easily and somehow I got attached more than her in the end.More reason for me to be more careful even though I'm independent when it comes to feeling loved and wanted.That's why I'm angry because she managed to break my pattern and left for no reason.She doesn't deserve to be in my thoughts and yet here i am..

[OrangeSnack]

Have you tried dating others? What about reshaping your lifestyle? Is there something you really wanted to learn or redo? When my ex broke up with me 6 months ago I decided to get back into hockey. Boy was I rusty on the ice lol.

[mutualove]

No I haven't.It's been only 2 months (in a few days) and I'm not the kind of person that would date (use) others emotionally so that I could move on.

 

Actually I went to a ski resort yesterday with a friend and had a lot of fun.I've always wanted to learn skiing and I'm thinking of taking it up this year.I talked to an instructor too so who knows...

 

I've been learning German before it happened and still am.And if I get some extra time I've been thinking about going to the gym because I miss it.I used to go to the gym for two years but couldn't anymore due to studies.It's been two years since then.

 

And as I'm writing this I'm dressed to go hang out with some friends at this moment.

 

And just 10 minutes ago I saw her brother had left a message on whatsapp asking how are you.. .I knew her brother too but not that much.He's 17-18 I think.Not sure what to do though.If I say anything to him it's like I'm talking to her indirectly.I guess I'm gonna ignore it and not respond at all...

[mutualove]

I did answer later that night as i figured not answering would've been immature of me.He basically was asking how i was and also asked about a plan of mine that he knew about.It was a short convo and i wasn't too friendly nor cold to him.I don't know why but talking to him was like talking to her that's why i kept everything short and didn't get into details.This was a couple of nights ago..

 

I'm feeling really blue and confused.How can one year of knowing someone be this difficult to get over?I'm angry at myself because this has never happened to me and i miss her like crazy.I know i'm not going to be contacting her but i really wish i could talk to her,be with and beside her right now..damn

[Haydn]

Yes i know this feeling. You should not reach out anymore to any of her friends and family. Delete them from your contacts. I know it seems childish now but it will help.The faster you do this then the faster you can start your life again.

[mutualove]

Well he's a good kid and it was just a once in every 2-3 months thing.I didn't have any good reason to not answer and besides not answering would've shown some kind of weakness and i didn't wanna seem to be still preoccupied about her which i am relatively a lot these days apparently.

 

After she was gone i realized that she had become my best friend too so losing someone you love and a best friend at the same time makes a person lonely even if he's not alone.I hang out with friends as much as i can and it really helps it's like i don't even care anymore but the minute everybody goes home all the sadness comes back.And can't be with friends 24/7.I understand the emotional roller coaster now sometimes you're up and sometimes you're down.

 

I was her confidant.she'd tell me more about herself than i'd tell her about myself.She had extreme trust issues towards the end.she'd sometimes tell me about this "wall" she had created around herself and that she wouldn't let anyone get past it.I was an exception apparently.One week before the last time i talked to her i asked her what about this "wall" that you always talked about.I asked if she was gonna let anyone in and she said no.I found that bizarre because you can't be in a relationship with someone and not trust them but at the same time grow to love that person.

 

I found out(actually she told me but not easily) that her female cousin wanted to hook her up with a guy.I never asked if she had said yes or no to this guy (i didn't even mention anything about him) when we were having our final conversation.I figured it'd be better for my own good.It would drive me crazy if she's with him now that's why i chose the not know road.She did want to keep me around as a friend and it was very obvious to me that she didn't want to lose me in her life.The BU was amicable though.I knew the best thing i could do was to disappear from her life altogether.I wish i didn't but i wonder if she thinks about me as much as i do about her.