the_entertainer1 Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 I've recently been given some advice by a close male friend (who is very experienced with women), which contradicts everything I've ever read in magazines or books, or heard from my friends my age. This book I once read (I got it for free, ok?!) says that women should never 'chase' a guy, but always allow him to pursue her. It even contains 'rules' about when and how to contact him after he contacts you. I suppose it follows similar reasoning to (or is the precursor for) the idea that you shouldn't have sex too early if you're after a long term relationship. Basically, it states that if women are always available, contact the guy whenever they feel like it, etc. (in the early stages of dating, anyway), then he'll get bored because it's too 'easy' to 'get' her. So, from a fairly early age, we are almost conditioned to behave in such a way where we are 'hard to get'. Personally, I've never agreed with this too much. It relates to a situation I'm in right now, where I went on a great second date with a guy last night. At the end of the date we both agreed we wanted to see each other again, but he told me to let him know when I was free (because he's on holidays at the moment). I texted him today to say I'd had fun and to ask about something he'd mentioned he was doing today. It's the end of the day and I didn't get a reply. I'm tossing up whether or not to contact him tomorrow or wait to see if he contacts me. This is where my "contradictory advice" comes in. I met my date through a dating website. While they're good for meeting people, they encourage you to keep checking to see what's out there. My date told me I'm the first girl he's met from the site. I want to keep it that way. So, my friend gave me this advice that contradicts everything about "the chase". He told me that I could text the guy if I want to (within reason, I'm not a psycho!) and basically treat him as if we are almost already a couple - that way, it doesn't give him 'space' to consider other options and encourages him to continue thinking about me. What are your thoughts? Guys: is "the chase" real? Or would you rather hear from a girl and know that she's thinking about you?
d0nnivain Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 The "rules" & books like it aren't meant to be taken literally. They are trying to teach women self confidence. They came up with these arbitrary rules to help insecure women to stop throwing themselves at men with the idea that they aren't complete until they have a man. If you don't suffer from that problem, call whenever you feel like it. If you have a life & aren't at somebody else's beck & call, of course reach out when you are free. It balances those times when you will be too busy to do what he wants on his scheduled. 2
Cinnimon Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 I have struggled with this recently. I personally don't care for the "game" part of dating. I say game because if your dating, I assume unless it has been made clear up front, that your doing so pursuing a relationship. If I can't express myself to someone I am spending my time with, I feel like this is a problem. I think if you've talked to him online for a while, he must have been interested enough to go on a live date with you knowing what the intentions of the date would be. As far as him not texting back right away, I wouldn't worry to much, he has probably read the "books" as well, lol. But do I feel you shouldn't feel free to contact him, no. If you like him and he likes you, there should be no issue. If he doesn't like you then it will give him the opportunity to say so, if he chooses to be an adult. I've heard some say by doing so you come off as desperate and needy, but is telling someone you've dated "hey I really like you" being desperate and needy or just honest? Personally I don't think so. 2
felicity1 Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 [QUOTE=d0nnivain;5427623] The "rules" & books like it aren't meant to be taken literally. You've only met this guy once. Sure you can contact him if he doesn't contact you. Just don't turn it into a game. This is not the way to start a potential relationship. Most importantly, don't be desperate/clingy. Chill out and do things you enjoy. Don't sit and wait for guys to call. The more desperate you are, the less chance you have of finding someone b/c you put out that desperate energy. Relax and you'll have a much better chance. 1
MrCastle Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 I'd rather know she's into me. Knowing she's really into me gives me the okay to be myself. I know I can be goofy or weird or whatever and she'd still like me. I can show her more of myself. If I'm in chase mode, I'm always trying to be the cool guy, because I'm afraid of saying or doing something that may mess up my chances. I'm not 100% myself. I don't feel like I can be, until I have her. Once I have her, then I can let loose. 3
felicity1 Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 I'm not 100% myself. I don't feel like I can be, until I have her. Once I have her, then I can let loose. It's better to be 100% yourself from the very beginning, then you can be 100% sure he likes you for who you actually are. 4
nomadic_butterfly Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 \What are your thoughts? Guys: is "the chase" real? Or would you rather hear from a girl and know that she's thinking about you? I'm a female and I sometimes struggle with this. I haven't been "serious" in over 5 yrs; living, working and traveling all over the world as the captain of my own ship and master of my own destiny after leaving someone that I made my world and that I sacrificed almost everything for with no reciprocity. I struggle with this A LOT. I get approached all the time and most men tend to be the pursuer naturally. But of course sometimes it's the ones that intrigue me most that require the most legwork; probably because they know they are a catch with plenty of woman throwing themselves at them; being at their disposal so to speak. I'm still figuring it out. I am very blunt and pragmatic for a woman. In my heart of hearts, I feel like all these "rules" are stupid and I highly value being absolutely transparent. If I like you, I show you and tell you. If you call me up, I will answer. If you ask me out and I am available, I will go. But I apply this to my friendships too. I'm easy going and an open book. Unfortunately, some recent events have lead me to believe a lot of men want this "game" and some even complained how women were calling them up non-stop, hounding them with nude pictures, texting incessantly, etc. so it almost seems like I will be the anomaly that stands out if I make things "harder." Ugh. I hate this. I am also decisive and self-aware so I find this "chase" pointless. Perhaps it's prudent to initially be a "challenge" and once trust is earned and mutual interest established, let the guard down? Another part of me feels like my match should share my ideals of being transparent like my ex was; he put all cards on the table and vice versa. He liked me, he showed it, and I responded and he didn't take advantage of that, or thought me to be weak/feeble minded. He might be the exception not the rule though..so perhaps I need to find more guys that qualify as the exception 2
nomadic_butterfly Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 I have struggled with this recently. I personally don't care for the "game" part of dating. I say game because if your dating, I assume unless it has been made clear up front, that your doing so pursuing a relationship. If I can't express myself to someone I am spending my time with, I feel like this is a problem. I think if you've talked to him online for a while, he must have been interested enough to go on a live date with you knowing what the intentions of the date would be. As far as him not texting back right away, I wouldn't worry to much, he has probably read the "books" as well, lol. But do I feel you shouldn't feel free to contact him, no. If you like him and he likes you, there should be no issue. If he doesn't like you then it will give him the opportunity to say so, if he chooses to be an adult. I've heard some say by doing so you come off as desperate and needy, but is telling someone you've dated "hey I really like you" being desperate and needy or just honest? Personally I don't think so. Exactly. As long as she's not being crazy and like showing up unexpected, calling you every 5 minutes, demanding you develop feelings as quickly she is, etc., what happened to good old fashioned honesty? Tricks are for kids in my opinion. I think if two self-aware and discerning people get together who contacts whom, how often, etc. shouldn't have rigid rules. 2
fortyninethousand322 Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 It's better to be 100% yourself from the very beginning, then you can be 100% sure he likes you for who you actually are. I guarantee most women wouldn't like who I actually am. I'm with Castle on this one. As far as OP goes, I'd rather know she was into me, but not too into me. If she appeared too into me, I'd assume there was some angle she was playing. Like she wanted me to be a part of her pyramid scheme, or do her history paper for her or something. 1
MrCastle Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 It's better to be 100% yourself from the very beginning, then you can be 100% sure he likes you for who you actually are. Yeah. The Hallmark way of looking at it is always nice. But that's not the reality. 1
Author the_entertainer1 Posted December 28, 2013 Author Posted December 28, 2013 So what I'm hearing is that it's ok for me to give this guy a call, two days after our date - even though he didn't reply to my text? I thought we continued to hit it off really well and don't think the date could've gone much better! (He gave me the impression that he thought so too.)
nomadic_butterfly Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 So what I'm hearing is that it's ok for me to give this guy a call, two days after our date - even though he didn't reply to my text? I thought we continued to hit it off really well and don't think the date could've gone much better! (He gave me the impression that he thought so too.) Nope. Unless something happened to his phone where he couldn't reply or unless he was super busy that he saw it, didn't get around to replying to it, no. I think since you reached out first, wait for him to reach out to you. I don't believe in the "chase" but I do believe in "mirroring." 4
felicity1 Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 Yeah. The Hallmark way of looking at it is always nice. But that's not the reality. That's not the reality if you are desperate/wanting someone to like you. Things should happen naturally rather than being contrived or forced. This is the only way honest relationships can evolve.
felicity1 Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 I guarantee most women wouldn't like who I actually am. I'm with Castle on this one. /QUOTE] Does that mean you don't like yourself?
d0nnivain Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 So what I'm hearing is that it's ok for me to give this guy a call, two days after our date - even though he didn't reply to my text? I thought we continued to hit it off really well and don't think the date could've gone much better! (He gave me the impression that he thought so too.) This is a free country & you are an adult. You can do whatever you want. However, if you had a date & already sent him a text but he hasn't responded, I don't hold out much hope for a continued relationship even if you manage to get him on the phone. He's already gone silent. Once more reach out won't hurt & may result in closure but if you get voice mail without a return call in under 8 hours, consider the matter closed / over & do not reach out again. 2
Scales Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 Chasing has to do with who is more invested. Who ever is more invested does more chasing. The person who evades holds the power. Dating books for either gender will tell you to let the other chase you because it gives you more power and less investment. If you really like somebody, don't get needy. If you play your hand too fast you will blow all your tension and attraction. For those of thinking how silly these games sound and how stupid this all sounds, I didn't come up with all this. I promise you its the way it is. You have to give him some to let you know your interested and then act uninterested at another time. Its an addictive progression where you earn more and more over time. let it be consistent, if you give too much or act too uninterested you'll blow it.
FitChick Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 My ex told me that if a woman he wasn't really interested in chased him, he'd respond just on the off chance it would be easy sex. He advised me never to chase men because a man who is really into you will move mountains. If you really like someone, it can be tough to sit on your hands but if the call never comes, that is your answer and you won't feel foolish. 1
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