Staying in an unhealthy relationship. Anyone ever experienced this??

[Danny Dee]

Hi everyone, was just wondering if anyone could give me some advice my mind is torturing me on a daily basis.

 

I'm 26 my gf Is 25 we have been together 5 years it's been a very happy relationship but has became a bit boring we don't really do much together anymore.

 

Basically we split up over a month ago as I noticed a massive change in her she wasn't making effort & was acting cold so I ended it but after a few days we decided we missed each other too much so we got back together. Since we got back together I have noticed it being awkward & we don't talk to each other as much & she always just wants to sit about watching tv. I asked her the other day did she do this so she didn't have to spend time talking to me. She got upset & basically told me she thought everything was fine between us. I just find it strange how I still feel she is acting cold & distant & isn't making effort to do stuff with me. I'm at a loss what to do I do love her but feel she has changed towards me but is oblivious to it. Has anyone else ever experienced anything like this?? Id greatly appreciate some advice on this. Thanks

[K100dssm]

Hmmm this could be two things, like you say she may be changing and not making an effort ect or she may actually not be aware of it, remember that just because you assume it doesn't make it true and it may just be your view of things.

 

5 years is quite a long time and things are bound to die down and not stay the same but what matters is how happy you both feel in the relationship. People think relationships are like the movies but they aren't and I think a lot of people leave relationships when they go like that without understanding the next long term is probably going to go a similar path.

 

If you feel this way and she genuinely doesn't see it then maybe you aren't happy anymore and you're projecting this into so,etching she is doing.

[Poppyolive]

here, make a list of fun things to do....why don't get an old jar and ice lolly sticks to write on and make a date night/day jar together...each coming up with fun, creative things.....picnic on the floor, chick flick, casino, drive somewhere new, find a new restaurant, go for cake, go carts, buy a canvas and some paints...get messy, each make a list of special, unique, quirky things you love about each other, make a list of beautiful qualities that made you both fall in love,.. that will inject some fun....spark some hot passion and excitement into your relationship....this time of year...its dark, cold, everyones depressed from eating too much Christmas candy....TV is soul sucking.....turn it off.....getting lazy is easy...play a bored game, go to bed early, light candles, squeeze into a bath tub together and giggle covered in suds, buy water guns and have a wet shirt contest ;-) Bring in the new year in a new found love with your lady, take the lead Mr....blast the cobwebs and fall madly in love with each other...Sweep her off her feet.....It will enlighten you, enlighten her, enlighten your love

[Danny Dee]

Thank you both for your replies. Some very good ideas in there I think I need to have another good long chat with her & suggest a few of these. I have to add when we decided to get back together so soon after I told her we needed a date night & to do more things together but the only thing we have done together is go to the cinema again that involves not talking to each other but thats what she wanted to do. I think deep down I know she's not happy but dosent want to admit as she has openly admitted to me she knows she'll never fine anyone who loves her as much. I just hope I'm not being stung along as a backup untill she finds someone knew. Just don't know what to do.

[headinthecloud]

Perhaps she hasn't changed and you have. It might be that something in your life made you want to do more and experience more in life.

 

Just be honest with her. Tell her that sitting watching tv is fun once in a while but that you want more from the RS, like intimacy. Sharing your soul with one another. If she's not willing to put in effort into the RS then it will most certainly die in the long run and you will both end up hurting each other deeply if you continue this way which is not what you want.

 

All RSs take work, but it's how you get through the rough times that define who you are.

[Danny Dee]

Perhaps she hasn't changed and you have. It might be that something in your life made you want to do more and experience more in life.

 

Just be honest with her. Tell her that sitting watching tv is fun once in a while but that you want more from the RS, like intimacy. Sharing your soul with one another. If she's not willing to put in effort into the RS then it will most certainly die in the long run and you will both end up hurting each other deeply if you continue this way which is not what you want.

 

All RSs take work, but it's how you get through the rough times that define who you are.

 

Really great point, you know I never thought of that I have never been one to sit about & be lazy & watch t.v etc. I think I've got bored of our relationship & I've noticed a lack of effort on her part to change this. I've told her already we need to do more do I give her another chance. I know I'm scared of hurting her, going through a breakup, throwing away something special but most of all I'm scared of being single again. Could all these fears be keeping me in a bad relationship? Do I need to man up & end this?? Thanks again for the advice really appreciate it.

[2fargone]

Somehow I get the feeling that you expect her to be more 'into you' and have her do the work, while you do nothing. Take initiative. If that doesn't help, end it.

 

 

Having a talk is nice, usually good... But might have an opposite effect. I can also imagine that while you already broke up with her once and then wanted to reverse it, she might still be thinking about it and her trust might be at a bare minimum.

[ponchsox]

Yes, I did it for sex. In the end it wasn't worth it.

[Danny Dee]

Somehow I get the feeling that you expect her to be more 'into you' and have her do the work, while you do nothing. Take initiative. If that doesn't help, end it.

 

 

Having a talk is nice, usually good... But might have an opposite effect. I can also imagine that while you already broke up with her once and then wanted to reverse it, she might still be thinking about it and her trust might be at a bare minimum.

 

No i just would like to see her make more effort, and not be oblivious to the fact she's acting cold. I have done plenty I have bought her a few gifts & tried to spice things up in the bedroom, I do a lot for her I cook for her all the time she even says she feels bad sometimes because she knows she just site there while I do stuff for her but I don't mind that at all just the coldness & her being off I'm struggling with. Thanks for the advice though.

[Danny Dee]

Yes, I did it for sex. In the end it wasn't worth it.

 

What happened in the end?? Was it harder in the long run??

[d0nnivain]

You're relationship was broken before the 1st break up. You got back together for the wrong reasons because it was easier to go back to the familiar then to move forward. You now see just how wrong staying together is.

 

 

I stayed in a dysfunctional relationship for 12 years. The consequence was I basically gave him my childbearing years. By the time I met & married my DH, getting pregnant is all but impossible even with expensive IVF.

[KatZee]

This isn't an unhealthy relationship, it's a relationship that's gone stale because both people have stopped caring enough to put forth any effort.

 

Relationships are constant work and the work gets harder the longer you remain together.

 

You need to start making her feel appreciated, loved, and desired again. Cook her a romantic dinner and surprise her after work, you need to kick start the romance and the "courting" again.

 

She's lazy and bored with the relationship because you are lazy and bored with it too.

 

Buy her flowers out of no where, surprise her with a weekend get away, take her out on a date to a nice restaurant, you can also do things that cost no money, go to a park, go ice skating, do something where you both can connect and learn something new ... this means, DON'T take her to the movies where you can't talk.

[Danny Dee]

This isn't an unhealthy relationship, it's a relationship that's gone stale because both people have stopped caring enough to put forth any effort.

 

Relationships are constant work and the work gets harder the longer you remain together.

 

You need to start making her feel appreciated, loved, and desired again. Cook her a romantic dinner and surprise her after work, you need to kick start the romance and the "courting" again.

 

She's lazy and bored with the relationship because you are lazy and bored with it too.

 

Buy her flowers out of no where, surprise her with a weekend get away, take her out on a date to a nice restaurant, you can also do things that cost no money, go to a park, go ice skating, do something where you both can connect and learn something new ... this means, DON'T take her to the movies where you can't talk.

 

I totally agree with this it has gone stale I do try to initiate doing more things together but seems to lack motivation maybe I need to be a bit more forceful spontaneous with it. We still have feelings bo doubt but I'm just worried we our just together as its the easy option & we love each other but aren't in love if you get me. Shes away to one of her oldest friends wedding today & all I can think is I hope she dosent meat someone knew & thats not me I've never had trust issues & I'm not the jealous type so don't understand how I feel like this. Thanks for the advice great appreciated.

[KatZee]

Well you guys also did get together at some pretty formative years. And you've both grown up. Perhaps instead of growing up and together, you grew up and apart. Neither of you are the people you were when you were 20 and 21. 25 is an important year because lots of changes happen here, your brain fully develops at this age, and things you used to want years ago, are things you no longer desire.

 

People change again from 25-30. It's very common for long term relationships to come to an end at your age.

 

Of course it's also going to be awkward now. You guys have to just get back to where you were before you broke up. It's definitely going to take conscious effort and yes I would be spontaneous with something romantic. Don't casually mention a plan and ask if she's interested. TELL HER to pack her bags that you've planned a weekend away and that she has a half hour to get ready to go.

 

Women like men who take initiative, so I think if you have a drastic change in behavior, she's going to suddenly sit up and take notice.

[Danny Dee]

Thank you KatZee i am going to try & find out when her next weekend off Is & plan a wee surprise trip away. Maybe it's make or break time. I know where you are coming from About the age thing. I think my gf wishes I had of maybe taken our relationship to the next stage in the past. She always used to ask me when I was going to propose & she I knew I had an engagement ring once but I took it back as I felt I wasn't in a position financially to provide for her. Now I feel where we are at we are a million miles away from this. We never seem to even talk about her future anymore. Things are going backwards but maybe we can get back on track with a bit more TLC in our relationship. Thanks again

[ponchsox]

What happened in the end?? Was it harder in the long run??

 

No, it was better in the long run because I kept my pride and self worth.