Eivuwan Posted June 20, 2014 Share Posted June 20, 2014 Rude Boy, I just want to remind you that working on yourself is not only for your daughter although that is also important. When you are healthier psychologically, you will have fewer negative emotions and will be able to enjoy life in a happy and free manner. It's probably hard to imagine for you, but it's possible. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted June 20, 2014 Share Posted June 20, 2014 Is it possible to just live in the same house with her and the baby and not date? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rude boy Posted June 20, 2014 Author Share Posted June 20, 2014 I don't want to give her signals that it would work. She's still in love with me, and I admit, I'm in love with her. I just can't get over it. Everyone knew, he's gross, my exact opposite, and they weren't protected. Had it been someone else with a condom, maybe. We've never sat and talked about it. I always wonder if we should. I don't know what to say to her anymore. I'm a jackass, I know that, but I would've tried to be a good husband. My heart is just broken. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabella Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 I don't want to give her signals that it would work. She's still in love with me, and I admit, I'm in love with her. I just can't get over it. Everyone knew, he's gross, my exact opposite, and they weren't protected. Had it been someone else with a condom, maybe. We've never sat and talked about it. I always wonder if we should. If you're still in love with each other... What do you lose by having a conversation about the situation? You say you can't get over it. Do you want to? If so, the first step is you two sitting down to talk about it. It will hurt, but perhaps by understanding why she did it, you can begin to overcome it. This would be good for you, even if you choose not to resume your relationship with her. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted June 24, 2014 Share Posted June 24, 2014 Rude boy, no offense, but you guys are young. The brain doesn't stop developing until around age 25. People your age do stupid, impetuous things. Make mistakes. Do things they'd be appalled at 10 years later. If you really care about her, maybe it's time to consider giving her a break on it. After finding out WHY. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rude boy Posted June 25, 2014 Author Share Posted June 25, 2014 We went to the doctor yesterday. She got one of her two monitors off. That was great, I teared up. I've never been an emotional person due to living with two people on opposite sides of the spectrum. This baby has turned me into kind of a sap. I don't know how I feel about that, but I guess it's a good change. Then we went and relaxed a little. My ex and I spoke about her infedelity. She said I was too wrapped up in myself, but I couldn't hear the rest and walked out. It was too much because I never thought it was that bad. I didn't even say anything when I left... But hopefully after I have some time to think about it maybe we can talk again. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted June 25, 2014 Share Posted June 25, 2014 So you couldn't handle her saying that you weren't being a great partner? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rude boy Posted June 25, 2014 Author Share Posted June 25, 2014 It's not that I couldn't take the fact I wasn't a good boyfriend. It's that I didn't know things were that bad between us and that was how she felt... She didn't feel like I loved her anymore. I didn't pay attention to her, and I was always in my own head. I couldn't handle that she felt neglected. She never said anything to me about it when it was happening. If she would've said "baby, why don't you pay attention to me, hug me, kiss me, talk to me, ect." I would've noticed and changed my attitude. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted June 25, 2014 Share Posted June 25, 2014 Classic gas lighting is deflecting one's personal mistakes onto someone else. She is blaming YOU for her infidelity? Don't fall for it... 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted June 25, 2014 Share Posted June 25, 2014 It's not that I couldn't take the fact I wasn't a good boyfriend. It's that I didn't know things were that bad between us and that was how she felt... She didn't feel like I loved her anymore. I didn't pay attention to her, and I was always in my own head. I couldn't handle that she felt neglected. She never said anything to me about it when it was happening. If she would've said "baby, why don't you pay attention to me, hug me, kiss me, talk to me, ect." I would've noticed and changed my attitude. Often the way we react to others is unconcious and really old behaviour. With leaving - don't beat yourself up for that - you repeated this pattern of keeping it to yourself: you created a distance. Ideally you have to continue the conversation and explain to her why you left. Perhaps you can ask what it did with her that you left. I am not saying that she has not played her part, but i think you can learn a lot of the interaction of you both. Even more ideally you investigate this pattern with a counselor. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted June 25, 2014 Share Posted June 25, 2014 If she would've said "baby, why don't you pay attention to me, hug me, kiss me, talk to me, ect." I would've noticed and changed my attitude. Then you would have been different from 95% of the men out there. It's common for men to dismiss when the woman 'nags' and carry on as usual. Please don't set up these unrealistic expectations. And don't even try to say it's her fault for not speaking up. The cheating is on her; the rest is just poor communication and immaturity (ie lack of understanding of what it takes to make a marriage work) on both your parts. What concerns me is that you walked out when she said it. Is that typical for you, to not be able to hear people critique your actions? If so, start working on that with your therapist. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rude boy Posted June 25, 2014 Author Share Posted June 25, 2014 I'm not trying to blame her for not speaking up. Please don't think I'm trying to excuse myself because I'm not. I'm just saying I wish she would have and I was a little hurt that she didn't speak up. I thought we were better than that. I thought I was better than my dad. Who is Self absorbed, distant and unaffectionate... I should've been more self aware and more in tune with what she needed. She said we weren't having sex anymore, but I don't even remember that, I could've sworn it was twice a week, apparently not. It's not that I can't take criticism. I've been criticized my whole life by my father. I can deal with it. I've been criticized here a lot and try to make myself better. My leaving was more in response to what I can describe as shell-shock. I didn't see how I was. Now, I'm single and have no prospects of anyone else, and I child that I've had to rearrange my entire life for. Luckily, my kid is wonderful and I'm willing to give up things I want for her. My life would be even more empty if she wasn't here. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted June 26, 2014 Share Posted June 26, 2014 (edited) I'm not trying to blame her for not speaking up. Please don't think I'm trying to excuse myself because I'm not. I'm just saying I wish she would have and I was a little hurt that she didn't speak up. I thought we were better than that. I thought I was better than my dad. Who is Self absorbed, distant and unaffectionate... I should've been more self aware and more in tune with what she needed. She said we weren't having sex anymore, but I don't even remember that, I could've sworn it was twice a week, apparently not. It's not that I can't take criticism. I've been criticized my whole life by my father. I can deal with it. I've been criticized here a lot and try to make myself better. My leaving was more in response to what I can describe as shell-shock. I didn't see how I was. Now, I'm single and have no prospects of anyone else, and I child that I've had to rearrange my entire life for. Luckily, my kid is wonderful and I'm willing to give up things I want for her. My life would be even more empty if she wasn't here. Like I said 'unconcious and really old behaviour' that isn't something you change overnight. It actually usually happens most clearly when stressed or in shock, you then go on autopilot. It also isn't uncommon to reenact parental behavior, almost all of us do it (unfortunately). In my reaction I wasn't criticizing, I tried - and I think most of us - to be constructive. I stand by my tip for counseling, it will do you and your daughter good. I know it works for me. Edited June 26, 2014 by Itspointless 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rude boy Posted June 28, 2014 Author Share Posted June 28, 2014 I went back and we talked for hours. It was hard to sit through, but I knew if I want to heal, we had to get it out. I was a bit surprised that I didn't cry. We kept having to stop because she would sob over things... I would just hold her close and tell her she was ok. It seemed to calm her down enough to where she could start again. It's weird, but the whole time she was crying I just wanted to kiss her. We haven't really kissed in so long... I miss it. I realized that maybe it happened for a reason. I mean, if she hadn't cheated, she wouldn't have been desperate enough to get pregnant, avoiding this whole mess. But with that, we might not have had our sweet baby. Who is the most wonderful girl I've ever met. I fall all over myself to hold her, her snuggles make my heart full of all sorts of mushy feelings that I don't have for anyone else. I wouldn't get my baby kisses, admittedly they're just me kissing her and her probably wondering what the hell that big ugly guy is doing to her. but still they are so great. I didn't know I could love someone so much 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted June 28, 2014 Share Posted June 28, 2014 I went back and we talked for hours. It was hard to sit through, but I knew if I want to heal, we had to get it out. I was a bit surprised that I didn't cry. We kept having to stop because she would sob over things... I would just hold her close and tell her she was ok. It seemed to calm her down enough to where she could start again. It's weird, but the whole time she was crying I just wanted to kiss her. We haven't really kissed in so long... I miss it. I am happy to read that you continued the conversation with her. Talking like this can bring more understanding - and where it is fit compassion - to both people why things have happened as they happened. The conversation can be a beginning of a road to a healthier path for you both that ideally is continued in therapy. As for signs of affection be careful, do not rush into things you might regret later on for whatever reason. I understand the missing of affection - I miss it myself - but you have one opportunity I haven't, someone that needs and likes a lot of affection, your little girl. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rude boy Posted July 3, 2014 Author Share Posted July 3, 2014 Her parents A\C busted. So the baby got too hot and was inconsolable. We took her to my parents house because multimillion dollar house= good A\C. Is there anything better than helping your baby feel better? We stayed there for a few days. Now they're back home, I'm so happy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eivuwan Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 Be careful Rudy Boy. Even if you are regaining feelings for her, remember that she has serious problems if she is going to go so far as to poke holes in your condom. I wouldn't date her until she gets therapy. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rude boy Posted July 7, 2014 Author Share Posted July 7, 2014 We got in a fight about... More damn kids. She made a comment she wants more, and I told her I hope she finds a good guy. She went nuts and mistook it for me saying, there was someone else. She screamed at me and hit me in the face. My fat lip is pretty painfully awesome. (Not really.) I turned around and walked out. Now, my phone is blowing up with calls and texts. "Why won't I love her back?" I do, and I'm hopelessly in love with our baby girl, but I don't want more! I've had to give up my whole life for the one I've got. I miss my benders and when I could disappear for days, I miss sex, I miss dates, I miss me. But I'm devoted to this baby and I don't need these things to function. I need my sweetheart, but I don't need or want to add to my collection. Now I can't even see her... I'm really trying to keep in line (therapy is starting up again, same lady I've been to before, I hate it, but I know it's what's best.) but I just keep slipping up. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabella Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 Rudeboy... the fight wasn't really about her wanting more kids, from the sounds of it. It was about you rejecting her with your statement about her finding a good guy. She doesn't want a good guy... she wants you. The comment hurt her feelings. Just give her a call and explain that you didn't mean to hurt her feelings but that you are in no way considering having more children at this point. I would suggest that you figure out soon, rather than later, what it is that you want from her. You say you love her and your baby girl.... does this mean you want to work on your relationship? It kind of feels like you're stringing her along, honestly. Make up your mind and follow through... for everyone's sakes. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Eivuwan Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 Now I can't even see her... I'm really trying to keep in line (therapy is starting up again, same lady I've been to before, I hate it, but I know it's what's best.) but I just keep slipping up. Do you hate therapy or do you dislike the therapist? That is an important thing to consider. What is it about therapy that you dislike? Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 (edited) Hi RB, I haven't been to your thread in awhile and decided to take a peek. From a few posts I have read, I gather that you are trying to work things out with her and be with her. From everything you've said, why I must ask? She is manipulative and deceived you. You both have a LOT of issues you still need to work on. Do you feel it is easier to coparent if you are together? I also think she is physically abusive. Smacking you so hard that your lip is swollen? I think abuse on men is overlooked but greatly exists. You both are, for lack of better wording, so messed up that you should not be together. You're going to be seriously unhappy if you are with her. She wants more kids to tie you down further. Edited July 17, 2014 by pink_sugar 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Arabella Posted July 18, 2014 Share Posted July 18, 2014 Pink_Sugar, with all due respect, I think your post makes an awful lot of assumptions. You're going a little overboard calling her abusive. In my opinion, labeling someone "abusive" requires a pattern of such behavior, not an one-time event. For example, should we say that you are verbally abusive the first time that you call your husband an idiot? It may not be a nice thing to say and definitely requires an apology, but it doesn't make you abusive... Yes, she's messed up... and so is he. Why does this mean that they cannot be together? They both have problems to work through, but they also have a lot of history where they both made mistakes (hello?! he's a drug addict!). I think Rudeboy needs to really think about what he wants. Having problems is not a death sentence for their relationship. She did cheat, however, and that may or may not be a dealbreaker for him. He needs to do some soul-searching and figure out if he can get past that. If he can, they both need to go to counseling together and separately to begin mending their lives. Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted July 18, 2014 Share Posted July 18, 2014 (edited) Pink_Sugar, with all due respect, I think your post makes an awful lot of assumptions. You're going a little overboard calling her abusive. In my opinion, labeling someone "abusive" requires a pattern of such behavior, not an one-time event. For example, should we say that you are verbally abusive the first time that you call your husband an idiot? It may not be a nice thing to say and definitely requires an apology, but it doesn't make you abusive... Yes, she's messed up... and so is he. Why does this mean that they cannot be together? They both have problems to work through, but they also have a lot of history where they both made mistakes (hello?! he's a drug addict!). I think Rudeboy needs to really think about what he wants. Having problems is not a death sentence for their relationship. She did cheat, however, and that may or may not be a dealbreaker for him. He needs to do some soul-searching and figure out if he can get past that. If he can, they both need to go to counseling together and separately to begin mending their lives. We're talking about someone who lies and manipulates him and tampered with his condoms to get pregnant and trap him. Someone who uses her daughter to get his attention. Most of RB's posts involve a lot of guilt and feeling sorry for her and feeling obligated isn't a good reason to stay in a relationship. He can love and care for her as the mother of his child, but that is very different than being in love. The OP doesn't sound like he has romantic feelings for her. There have been major issues between them from the start. And smacking someone for no reason can easily escalate into domestic violence if he decided to strike her back in defense. If I recall, your fiance was abusive to you during your pregnancy. I haven't seen any recent posts by you lately, but I hope things have improved. With physical abuse, the instigator is almost always likely to continue doing it and it's best to walk while you can. Edited July 18, 2014 by pink_sugar 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rude boy Posted July 18, 2014 Author Share Posted July 18, 2014 I love her, I do. She's gorgeous, she's sweet, she's funny, she's great to be with when things are good. But, she's different now in that she's incredibly needy and selfish (then again, so am I) it didn't use to be like this. We had fun, we were respectful of each other's wishes. I'll admit there is part of me that wants to play the loving father and husband role. I'd love to wake up and have them with me and keep them safe and be with them. She cheated though and she lied to me and that gets me. It's not hard to be faithful, at least I don't think so. I love her and if there was a chance this could work i'd try it... Someone had a question about my therapy. I think it might be her. I'm always the bad guy. I admit that 98% of my problems and conflicts are my fault. I deserve it I know, but not everything was caused by my actions alone. So, I avoid it. Link to post Share on other sites
Eivuwan Posted July 18, 2014 Share Posted July 18, 2014 Someone had a question about my therapy. I think it might be her. I'm always the bad guy. I admit that 98% of my problems and conflicts are my fault. I deserve it I know, but not everything was caused by my actions alone. So, I avoid it. Perhaps switch to a therapist who is more empathetic? There's no point in going to someone you feel uncomfortable with. While you are ultimately the one responsible for changes in your life, a therapist who is a good fit would make it much easier. Link to post Share on other sites
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