Girlfriend is pregnant. I really don't want it

[whichwayisup]

 

I guess the advice I need is, do I get back together with this girl to protect my baby even if I don't love her? Should I sacrifice my own happiness for my child's?

 

No. You have boundaries and be a friend, a co parent. That's it. For the sake of your baby, do not get back with her as a 'couple'. You and your ex are parents, that's it. Not lovers.

 

She has her parents to help as well so it's not like she's going at this all alone.

[BlueIris]

No, get yourself together first. Don’t condemn someone else while you’re abusing drugs and alcohol. Your judgment is impaired. (Getting away with it, doing it since you were a teen, and keeping it a secret is not a plus in any way.) And the last thing that household needs right now is someone who’s pointing fingers, critical and abusing substances. Probably better get therapy for having grown up in a household with an abusive violent father, too.

[Rude boy]

For the record, though it probably won't mean much to anyone here. I've never been on drugs around my baby and they've never been near her. I use them before or after I see her. I wouldn't ever want to subject her to that, because I was growing up. My father used and probably still uses the same thing.

[CarrieT]

I use them before or after I see her.

Sorry, doesn't matter.

 

They are still part of your life and your existence and shouldn't be when you have children.

 

'Nuff said.

[hope2014]

My girlfriend of three years just told me she's going to have my child, at the worst time. My mother has been abused by my father my entire life, and I want to help her leave before she dies. I can't help them both. I'm stuck because I don't know what to do. To be honest, I see a lot of him in myself and would hate to have other people involved.

 

I'm not entirely convinced it's mine either. I don't want to be a father ever due to my own childhood. Thinking about being tied to a kid frightens me. I'm lost in my life and don't know what to do.

 

I think I understand what you've been through and for me, the best thing you can do is seek an advice from a counselor so you can get the best guidance of what you should do

[turnera]

Support and advice, I guess. No one knows I use drugs. I've been able to keep it hidden for awhile. I started in my teens and never went beyond recreational until now.

 

I guess the advice I need is, do I get back together with this girl to protect my baby even if I don't love her? Should I sacrifice my own happiness for my child's?

Dude, you're a drug addict. Who are you to say that YOU have a better handle on protecting a child?

 

If I knew my child's dad was a drug addict, he wouldn't get within 10 feet of my child.

[Itspointless]

Dude, you're a drug addict. Who are you to say that YOU have a better handle on protecting a child?

 

If I knew my child's dad was a drug addict, he wouldn't get within 10 feet of my child.

Some of the last reactions are a bit too strong for my taste. Not saying that using drugs is something I want to recommend in his situation. Not all drugs are as bad as most people seem to believe, some can even be used as a medicine. But still using it as a way to escape is a tricky thing.

 

I am glad though that you are posting here about it. You are under tremendous pressure the last few months. Do you actually have next to this forum and your lawyer people who take time to listen to you? Perhaps you can also find some other ways to escape thinking a bit?

[turnera]

Tell that to the infant who is face down in an inch of water and drowning because he has a hangover from the drugs he took 'before' he sees the baby and can't think fast enough.

 

I'm sorry, but he acts like he's this great father figure and the girl is some piece of trash, when all along he's been omitting this one little fact.

 

rude boy, this is the defining part of your life. You know, where you make the decision (or not) to straighten up, NOT be like your dad, rise above the need for drugs when there's a baby involved, and show your family, her family, and this baby that you have what it takes to make a great life for yourself and your daughter. Start with giving up the drugs.

Spend that money and energy on getting a great career and a savings account for the baby started.

Edited June 2, 2014 by turnera

[Itspointless]

I'm sorry, but he acts like he's this great father figure and the girl is some piece of trash.

Did he? I think I remember reading that he had some fears that made him question things.

 

Anyway turnera is right that you are also given a chance to rise above yourself. Substances are not the best solution to find some silence and rest.

[Rude boy]

I'm not on meth or heroin or pills. I use it to stay awake and function. I got up and flushed everything. The drugs as well as the alcohol, because I want to be the good parent. I don't need it, but I like it.

[CC12]

I guess the advice I need is, do I get back together with this girl to protect my baby even if I don't love her?

 

This thread has been going on for 5 months. You're still asking if you should get together with this girl? If you honestly don't know the answer to this question, then you haven't been paying attention to anything anyone has said in the last 30 pages.

 

I worry that you're using this thread instead of getting proper therapy. Or maybe you're using it for an ego stroke. You come here and post like three sentences at a time, and in response you get lots and lots of positive reinforcement, posters arguing with each other over you, and offering you loads of advice that you barely respond to.

 

You don't need an internet forum. You need a real therapist, and a good drug treatment program.

[Rude boy]

I went to my parents' house. I told them I use drugs, and they said they already knew. He could tell my behavior and he wasn't surprised I took it up due to the fact he did the same thing. Acording to him the older I get the more I get to be "just like him". It's a bit awkward seeing as one of the memories I have in my early teen years is his use of the same substance while I stood outside their bathroom door. I'm going to try cold turkey and see if I can stay away from it. I don't want to go to rehab; I don't want to be followed by that stigma. I do want to get better though.

 

I read up on the impact the substance has on parenting and the result broke my heart, aggression and irritability. It makes me question how much of my personality is genetic and how much is drug related. I couldn't care less if I acted that way towards other people, but my daughter is different. I don't want to be the mean dad that she's afraid of. So much of my childhood was spent being scared that it would kill me if she felt the same way because of me.

 

I want to be the good guy. I question everything I do, like getting back together, because I want everyone to think I'm a great person. That's why I go back and forth with reconciling with her. I'm still pissed, I still feel like I was cheated out of the life I've worked so hard for. I'm angry the one person who knew all about my dreams decided hers were more important and took them away. Yes, I'm still throwing the same tantrum because I worked so hard and now I can't have it. I love my daughter, she's great, but now my unattached, rich, playboy, "it's all about me" life is gone.

 

And yes, before I get crucified, I'm completely embarrassed that this is who I am. It's wrong and it's horrible. That is why I'm here anonymously and not talking to the people I'm close to about it. I'm a selfish, spoiled, trustfund baby who has everything handed to him and the only place I can admit I'm a piece of s*it is here.

 

I'll also say I've taken a lot of advice here to heart and adjusted appropriately. So thanks to a lot of people for the help. I know it doesn't seem like it but it's helped and I appreciate it. I wouldn't be involved or even care had I not come here. But it seems maybe in the end that would've been better

Edited June 3, 2014 by Rude boy

[Itspointless]

I went to my parents' house. I told them I use drugs, and they said they already knew. He could tell my behavior and he wasn't surprised I took it up due to the fact he did the same thing. Acording to him the older I get the more I get to be "just like him". It's a bit awkward seeing as one of the memories I have in my early teen years is his use of the same substance while I stood outside their bathroom door. I'm going to try cold turkey and see if I can stay away from it. I don't want to go to rehab; I don't want to be followed by that stigma. I do want to get better though.

 

I read up on the impact the substance has on parenting and the result broke my heart, aggression and irritability. It makes me question how much of my personality is genetic and how much is drug related. I couldn't care less if I acted that way towards other people, but my daughter is different. I don't want to be the mean dad that she's afraid of. So much of my childhood was spent being scared that it would kill me if she felt the same way because of me.

 

I want to be the good guy. I question everything I do, like getting back together, because I want everyone to think I'm a great person. That's why I go back and forth with reconciling with her. I'm still pissed, I still feel like I was cheated out of the life I've worked so hard for. I'm angry the one person who knew all about my dreams decided hers were more important and took them away. Yes, I'm still throwing the same tantrum because I worked so hard and now I can't have it. I love my daughter, she's great, but now my unattached, rich, playboy, "it's all about me" life is gone.

 

And yes, before I get crucified, I'm completely embarrassed that this is who I am. It's wrong and it's horrible. That is why I'm here anonymously and not talking to the people I'm close to about it. I'm a selfish, spoiled, trustfund baby who has everything handed to him and the only place I can admit I'm a piece of s*it is here.

 

I'll also say I've taken a lot of advice here to heart and adjusted appropriately. So thanks to a lot of people for the help. I know it doesn't seem like it but it's helped and I appreciate it. I wouldn't be involved or even care had I not come here. But it seems maybe in the end that would've been better

No it is good that you come here, but you need also some other people you can go to if you need advice or want to talk. And yes therapy. If people are tired of it - my opinion - they can read other threads. meanwhile you have some things to work on without the self-hate as that does not help you in any way.

Edited June 3, 2014 by Itspointless

[turnera]

I'm not on meth or heroin or pills. I use it to stay awake and function. I got up and flushed everything. The drugs as well as the alcohol, because I want to be the good parent. I don't need it, but I like it.

Thank you. I'm proud of you. Yet another step forward in being miles ahead of the man your father is.

 

Now use that trust fund money and line up a regular therapist and start going.

[Bittersweetie]

I love my daughter, she's great, but now my unattached, rich, playboy, "it's all about me" life is gone.

 

Rude boy...

The above is something that I think most new parents struggle with. Having a kid is a huge, life-altering transition that even if you're prepared for is still jarring. One goes from complete autonomy over life to pretty much none, overnight. I struggled with this same feeling a lot the first year of my son's life. Now I'm more at peace with my new reality, but there are moments I still miss my "all about me life."

 

You don't need to be embarrassed about this feeling...it's perfectly natural.

 

Good luck.

[BlueIris]

I went to my parents' house. I told them I use drugs, and they said they already knew. He could tell my behavior and he wasn't surprised I took it up due to the fact he did the same thing. Acording to him the older I get the more I get to be "just like him". It's a bit awkward seeing as one of the memories I have in my early teen years is his use of the same substance while I stood outside their bathroom door. I'm going to try cold turkey and see if I can stay away from it. I don't want to go to rehab; I don't want to be followed by that stigma. I do want to get better though.

 

I read up on the impact the substance has on parenting and the result broke my heart, aggression and irritability. It makes me question how much of my personality is genetic and how much is drug related. I couldn't care less if I acted that way towards other people, but my daughter is different. I don't want to be the mean dad that she's afraid of. So much of my childhood was spent being scared that it would kill me if she felt the same way because of me.

 

I want to be the good guy. I question everything I do, like getting back together, because I want everyone to think I'm a great person. That's why I go back and forth with reconciling with her. I'm still pissed, I still feel like I was cheated out of the life I've worked so hard for. I'm angry the one person who knew all about my dreams decided hers were more important and took them away. Yes, I'm still throwing the same tantrum because I worked so hard and now I can't have it. I love my daughter, she's great, but now my unattached, rich, playboy, "it's all about me" life is gone.

 

And yes, before I get crucified, I'm completely embarrassed that this is who I am. It's wrong and it's horrible. That is why I'm here anonymously and not talking to the people I'm close to about it. I'm a selfish, spoiled, trustfund baby who has everything handed to him and the only place I can admit I'm a piece of s*it is here.

 

I'll also say I've taken a lot of advice here to heart and adjusted appropriately. So thanks to a lot of people for the help. I know it doesn't seem like it but it's helped and I appreciate it. I wouldn't be involved or even care had I not come here. But it seems maybe in the end that would've been better

 

Do it, Rude Boy. Change YOU! You can do it. You can.

 

Suspend criticism and judgment of anyone else, including the Mom, until you’ve gotten this under control and you find out what new you comes out the other end. The various “Anons” (AA, Narc-Anon, etc) all recommend waiting a year of being clean before making life choices. I’d say that that includes getting into a fight with the Mom. Get cleaned up and clear your head for a year. That alone is going to be huge (but doable), because you’ll be confronting everything your family “taught” you that was wrong, that you don’t want to be.

 

Ya know, you started this thread all about the core issues- not wanting to be like your dad and all of the problems in your family. And you were 100% right. THAT is what has to be resolved, and you knew it when you first posted here. So now you’re in love with your little girl, so now you want her. But still, all of that family crap is still there. Take it on and be the person you could be. I think pretty much everybody here is cheering for you to do it.

[Rude boy]

Going about five or six days now... My nose feels a little better but I can't stay awake. I feel weak and can't focus on anything. I hate this feeling. I've just got to keep telling myself I'm doing this for my baby.

 

I want to get through this. I want to be a good dad, but I think I'm destined to fail. I don't know if I can do this. I mean what if she ends up hating me anyway? Then what?

Edited June 6, 2014 by Rude boy

[whichwayisup]

I don't want to go to rehab; I don't want to be followed by that stigma. I do want to get better though.

 

You're looking at this wrong. You want to get better so the only way to get better is to get help and if that means going to rehab, so be it.

 

What stigma are you talking about?

 

You have to put yourself first and get better so you can be the best dad to your daughter. Don't compare yourself to your father, you're not him. Sure you may have certain traits but you don't have to be like him at all.

 

Recognizing that you have an addiction is a big step. First action is reaching out, which you did. 1st step now is seeking counseling and doing rehab.

 

It's nobody's business on here what drug it is you're addicted to, but you posted about this issue so I for one will really encourage you to seek help.

[turnera]

Going about five or six days now... My nose feels a little better but I can't stay awake. I feel weak and can't focus on anything. I hate this feeling. I've just got to keep telling myself I'm doing this for my baby.

 

I want to get through this. I want to be a good dad, but I think I'm destined to fail. I don't know if I can do this. I mean what if she ends up hating me anyway? Then what?

Quit feeling sorry for yourself; it's not attractive.

 

Now is when you chart a course for your life and choose BETTER than your parents. Right?

 

Set the alarm clock. With a really loud song to make sure you wake up. Get your phone and headphones and music on and start walking every day. EVERY DAY. Work up to walking 2 or 3 miles. Then start jogging. Work up to 2 or 3 miles. Then start running. Work up to 2 or 3 miles. This will take you a month or two. By the time you finish, all this silly drug nonsense will be a thing of the past.

[Rude boy]

I woke up with a craving, and money in my pocket. Instead of getting what I thought I wanted, I went to babies R us. I bought so many toys, clothes, furniture, diapers and wipes people probably thought I was insane. It was like grown up Tetris putting things in my car. When they got to her though, it felt good. Then we took a nap on the couch (I fell asleep on accident). I think it was a good day. I don't remember being this happy for a long time

[Rude boy]

No one ever told me that Father's Day is actually a nice holiday. I went over to her parents house, and they went somewhere else so it was the three of us all day. My ex got me a tie and a new chain for my necklace. We snuggled with our baby all day long. But my ex kept trying to not let me help with the baby... That bugged me a little. I wanted to be involved, I want to help change her and feed her, not sit there while she does it.

 

My baby girl is perfect. She looks just like her mother. So basically, I'm in trouble when she starts dating. She's really small, I think it's because she's a premie or something. She's grown, but not much. It makes me a little sad. Her giggles kill me people keep saying that since I'm such a hard ass to others I'm probably going to be the push over dad. I don't think that's a terrible thing to be.

[pteromom]

 

My baby girl is perfect. She looks just like her mother. So basically, I'm in trouble when she starts dating. She's really small, I think it's because she's a premie or something. She's grown, but not much. It makes me a little sad. Her giggles kill me people keep saying that since I'm such a hard ass to others I'm probably going to be the push over dad. I don't think that's a terrible thing to be.

 

I am so proud of how far you've come since you started posting here.

 

You are right - that's not a terrible thing to be.

 

Your baby girl will love you. Trust me on this - baby girls love their daddies even when their daddies do little to deserve the love. And it sounds like you want to be a good dad who WILL deserve the love, and give it back a hundred fold.

 

Keep working on your sobriety. You can do it. One choice at a time. Even if you end up with closets full of baby things. Keep filling yourself up with other things... when you want to fall back to your addiction, do other things that bring you peace or happiness. Learn to meditate (sounds corny, but it really does work.); work out or run; write letters to your baby girl in a journal; sing in the shower. Find OTHER outlets for stress, pain, or boredom.

 

Try really hard not to fight with your baby's mom. The more you guys can work together to give her a great life, the better it will be for all of you. If you don't end up back together, you will both eventually move on to new partners. And the better FRIENDS you are, the better you can communicate and create healthy boundaries to keep your daughter protected.

 

You have a lot of insight into how you grew up and how it affects who you are today. Use that to become the person you want to be. You are not simply a product of your environment or genetics. You are what you want to be.

[whichwayisup]

No one ever told me that Father's Day is actually a nice holiday. I went over to her parents house, and they went somewhere else so it was the three of us all day. My ex got me a tie and a new chain for my necklace. We snuggled with our baby all day long. But my ex kept trying to not let me help with the baby... That bugged me a little. I wanted to be involved, I want to help change her and feed her, not sit there while she does it.

 

My baby girl is perfect. She looks just like her mother. So basically, I'm in trouble when she starts dating. She's really small, I think it's because she's a premie or something. She's grown, but not much. It makes me a little sad. Her giggles kill me people keep saying that since I'm such a hard ass to others I'm probably going to be the push over dad. I don't think that's a terrible thing to be.

 

Just be glad she is capable of changing diapers and looking after her. Not too long ago you were concerned she wasn't bonding with the baby and was detached.

 

So, instead of being upset, next time the baby needs to be changed, just nicely say I'd really like to do this since I'm not here with her like you are and it's important to me when I am here, you allow me to be a hands on dad. Hopefully she'll understand.

 

Glad you had a nice Father's Day.

[Rude boy]

I had nightmares all night about my baby... I woke up screaming. I hate leaving her, I wish I could always be around. The hardest part is I thought about marrying this girl! I still can't believe she cheated on me. I guess I deserve it. I'm not a nice guy.

 

What do I do?

[Trimmer]

I had nightmares all night about my baby... I woke up screaming. I hate leaving her, I wish I could always be around. The hardest part is I thought about marrying this girl! I still can't believe she cheated on me. I guess I deserve it. I'm not a nice guy.

 

What do I do?

Listen man... "What you did" and who you were may have affected your ability to support an honest relationship with your partner - you do need to be honest with yourself about that, and separate from the cheating element, it may be worth taking a good look at yourself (as you are starting to do) and say, how can I be a better person for the future, both as a partner and as a father. It seems you are on the road to doing that already.

 

However, the decision to cheat is all on her, and when she decided to do that, it was a reflection on her personality that she wold do that instead of either trying to work on her relationship with you, or leave it. Either of those options were available to her, and both would be honest choices, but she chose differently. That is on her.

 

You didn't deserve to be cheated on, and you didn't drive her to do it. Whatever your deficits as a partner, the choice to cheat is a reflection on her.