pink_sugar Posted May 21, 2014 Share Posted May 21, 2014 I gave her Mother's Day flowers and she lost it. I just can't win, no matter the situation I won't end up on top. This. I know you're trying to be nice...but she's interpreting the flowers as a chance that you will get back together. The best thing you can do is stop all of that, you're giving her false hope. Maybe in the future you can be friends, but right now the best thing for her is that you make it clear that there is no "us". 5 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted May 21, 2014 Share Posted May 21, 2014 she's interpreting the flowers as a chance that you will get back together. The best thing you can do is stop all of that, you're giving her false hope. ^ ^ ^ THIS ^ ^ ^ Rudeboy, stop giving the mother of your children any gifts of any kind. I know you were trying to do something nice, but in her twisted mind, it is breadcrumbs toward a potential relationship that can't happen. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rude boy Posted May 25, 2014 Author Share Posted May 25, 2014 This "co-parenting" thing really sucks. She pays little attention to the baby. It's like she doesn't care at all. She only holds her after I insist she holds her. Hardly even looks at her. When I hold the baby I let her put her head on me and hold my hand because I feel like it's only way to get any interaction between them. She's so wrapped in me it's ridiculous. I really haven't given her a reason to be so in love with me... I get the feeling it's only going to get worse. I feel guilty for not being with her sometimes. Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 When I hold the baby I let her put her head on me and hold my hand because I feel like it's only way to get any interaction between them. She's so wrapped in me it's ridiculous. I really haven't given her a reason to be so in love with me... I get the feeling it's only going to get worse. I feel guilty for not being with her sometimes. This is a huge no no. No hand holding or snuggling under any circumstances. This is really not going to improve if you don't listen to any of the advice from the posters on here. Live separately and pursue custody of the child. It's clear to me now that she got pregnant just to trap you...not because she wanted a child. And now she's doing what she can to keep you with her by using the baby. Talk about your options with a lawyer for custody arrangements. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted May 26, 2014 Share Posted May 26, 2014 I hate this, but it seems like she's training (conditioning) you to give her (your ex-gf) physical affection, by realizing that you consider it a positive reward to have her interacting with your daughter. As a result, she will give attention to your daughter when it gets her your attention, and she will withhold attention from your daughter as negative feedback if you don't give her (your ex-gf) attention. This is a bad pattern that is only going to get locked in the further you go along. I am at a loss because your daughter certainly deserves to get her mother's attention, but equally certainly, she doesn't deserve to be a pawn in your ex-gf's personality issues. I don't think the current arrangement is sustainable... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 26, 2014 Share Posted May 26, 2014 This "co-parenting" thing really sucks. She pays little attention to the baby. It's like she doesn't care at all. She only holds her after I insist she holds her. Hardly even looks at her. When I hold the baby I let her put her head on me and hold my hand because I feel like it's only way to get any interaction between them. She's so wrapped in me it's ridiculous. I really haven't given her a reason to be so in love with me... I get the feeling it's only going to get worse. I feel guilty for not being with her sometimes. Just keep the focus on the baby and reaffirm that you two are not a 'couple' but co parents and that is something she has to accept and deal with..Let her know that as the mother of your baby you care about her well being and want her to function again normally. Be a friend - Though have lines and boundaries with her, don't allow her to cross them. Talk to her mom and get her involved in the sense of PPD and hormones. Your ex has issues and obviously she needs professional help. You can't force her to connect with the baby if she isn't all there mentally right now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rude boy Posted May 26, 2014 Author Share Posted May 26, 2014 I haven't been living with her. We talked about it but I realized it wasn't a good idea. I did spend the night once because I'd had too much to drink. I'm worried about how she'll treat my baby if we aren't together. Link to post Share on other sites
Scorpio Chick Posted May 26, 2014 Share Posted May 26, 2014 Rude boy, just wondering, since you sound so sure you don't want to be a father, why don't you get sterilized? Some doctors won't do it if you're a certain age, but you can get past that. You're hiring whatever doctor, and remind them of that. And explain why you don't want to have any children. If you don't get sterilized and you have ANY kind of sex, you are willingly taking that 'risk' and you're old enough to know that. There's always adoption, which is a great choice, it's a win-win. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted May 26, 2014 Share Posted May 26, 2014 Rude boy, just wondering, since you sound so sure you don't want to be a father, why don't you get sterilized? Some doctors won't do it if you're a certain age, but you can get past that. You're hiring whatever doctor, and remind them of that. And explain why you don't want to have any children. If you don't get sterilized and you have ANY kind of sex, you are willingly taking that 'risk' and you're old enough to know that. There's always adoption, which is a great choice, it's a win-win. Ah, have you finished reading the thread yet? To the part where he's completely in love with his new daughter and has been waiting impatiently until she could leave the hospital so he could spend more time with her? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Eivuwan Posted May 27, 2014 Share Posted May 27, 2014 I haven't been living with her. We talked about it but I realized it wasn't a good idea. I did spend the night once because I'd had too much to drink. I'm worried about how she'll treat my baby if we aren't together. Does she have anyone helping her with the baby? I understand your concerns about her ability to be a mom considering how unstable she is, but living together will likely make things worse in the long-run. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted May 28, 2014 Share Posted May 28, 2014 (edited) We are talking about them staying at my place, me staying at her place, or going to her parents'. It's all up in the air. I'm keeping my lawyer. I'm pretty sure there's going to be a fight on our hands... I don't see why you are/were preparing for a fight. The first few months with a newborn are utterly exhausting and draining- and I had a husband who was helping and getting up in the middle of the night half the time. It sounds as though she is living alone and never has a time of relief from responsibility. But you said you're "co-parenting." Are you taking care of the baby on your own at all, or does Mom always have to be present too? (Maybe because child can't leave equipment?) Do you have a commitment to be there and take care of the baby at definite times, or do you have the option of coming and going? It's so important for Mother and Baby that you ease the burden. Edited May 28, 2014 by BlueIris 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rude boy Posted May 28, 2014 Author Share Posted May 28, 2014 She's staying with her parents. There's no way she could be alone with the baby. I try to remain consistent when I go see them, but I can't always be. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted May 28, 2014 Share Posted May 28, 2014 (edited) She's staying with her parents. There's no way she could be alone with the baby. I try to remain consistent when I go see them, but I can't always be. That's great that she and the baby are at her parents' home. The post I quoted made me think she was living alone and I was really worried! And you're so right she couldn't do it all alone- no one could without cracking. Since you mentioned anticipating a fight, if you're preparing to co-parent or to challenge her custody in the near future (or ever), you'll have to prove that you've been very reliable in keeping to a schedule, that you've been providing actual hands-on care rather than just visiting, and that you are more responsible in caring for the child than she is. Merely attacking / criticizing her in court won't work and will likely cause the judge to view you very negatively. It sounds as though you have a significant work / school schedule, so think about what support and assistance you'll be able to get when you have parenting time with your daughter. From your earlier posts, it sounds as though there are some very big problems with your mom and dad and they won't be able to help, but you said your family is wealthy so maybe they can help by providing funds for you to have help and back-up when your work or school schedule impacts parenting time. Good luck and congratulations! I hope you and Mother are able to work out your conflict for your daughter's sake. It is doable. Edited May 28, 2014 by BlueIris Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 29, 2014 Share Posted May 29, 2014 I haven't been living with her. We talked about it but I realized it wasn't a good idea. I did spend the night once because I'd had too much to drink. I'm worried about how she'll treat my baby if we aren't together. She's staying with her parents. There's no way she could be alone with the baby. I try to remain consistent when I go see them, but I can't always be. Since she is staying with her parents, no way will they allow her to mistreat the baby. they know of her mental health issues so I'm sure they are helping a lot and keeping an eye on things. If your ex isn't connecting with the baby and is distant, then she needs help from her Dr, make sure she isn't suffering from PPD. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted May 29, 2014 Share Posted May 29, 2014 I haven't been living with her. We talked about it but I realized it wasn't a good idea. I did spend the night once because I'd had too much to drink. I'm worried about how she'll treat my baby if we aren't together. Why are you drinking this much around your baby or her mother? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rude boy Posted May 30, 2014 Author Share Posted May 30, 2014 I've been reading everything I can about PPD. It really scares me. I didn't think drinking around them was a big deal... My daughter was falling asleep and we were talking. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 30, 2014 Share Posted May 30, 2014 Why are you drinking this much around your baby or her mother? Doubt he's getting hammered and falling down drunk. Having a few glasses of wine or a couple of beers, then realizing it's best not to drive .. No wonder he stayed over. I've been reading everything I can about PPD. It really scares me. Do talk to her mom about this and ask her to keep a close eye on her daughter. She (ex) should see her family Dr, have a check up just to see what is going on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Noproblem Posted May 30, 2014 Share Posted May 30, 2014 First, I hope your daughter will get better and secondly, I hope you can see her more often 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted May 30, 2014 Share Posted May 30, 2014 Doubt he's getting hammered and falling down drunk. Having a few glasses of wine or a couple of beers, then realizing it's best not to drive .. No wonder he stayed over. It's interesting that you're defending his drinking. It's irrelevant whether he got falling-down-drunk or just had a few too many glasses. He's the one who said he drank too much. He said he "didn't think drinking around them was a big deal" and I don't think it's unreasonable to question him on this point. OP, you drank so much that you either had no choice, or purposely chose to spend the night with the apparently unstable woman who first cheated on you then spermjacked you months ago, who then tried to commit suicide when you broke up with her and was hospitalized for an extended period of time over it, and who is "so wrapped in [you] it's ridiculous" and still "cries hysterically" when you reject her. You spent the night in her house. That was a really messed up, selfish decision. Not to mention that it's also a bad choice to drink "too much" around a premature baby with health problems who was just released from the hospital less than two weeks ago. Do you have a drinking problem, rudeboy? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rude boy Posted May 31, 2014 Author Share Posted May 31, 2014 I wasn't plastered, and I agree, I should've left. I just didn't want to get in trouble. To answer the question, yes. I have a drinking and substance abuse problem. It's gotten more out of hand because of this whole situation. Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted June 1, 2014 Share Posted June 1, 2014 To answer the question, yes. I have a drinking and substance abuse problem. Have you ever been in treatment for your substance abuse problems? What about your emotional issues? Have you ever spoken to a professional about them? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rude boy Posted June 1, 2014 Author Share Posted June 1, 2014 No, they weren't a big problem until she got pregnant. I know stress and anger aren't excuses, but that's why it's gotten so bad. I've done therapy but I can never stick to it. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted June 1, 2014 Share Posted June 1, 2014 You might want to think about whether working on those issues might be a valuable investment in your daughter's future. She's going to need you, and she's going to need the best "you" that you can be. You are going to have a huge effect on your daughter's life. What kind of an influence do you want to be? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted June 1, 2014 Share Posted June 1, 2014 No, they weren't a big problem until she got pregnant. I know stress and anger aren't excuses, but that's why it's gotten so bad. I've done therapy but I can never stick to it. I think it's time to get back into therapy and stick to it. And get yourself into a treatment program for your substance abuse. Can I ask what you're getting from posting here? What do you want from this thread? Do you want advice? You haven't really been asking for any. Do you just want support? Because you've got support in spades, but I'm not sure that this staunch support is a good thing for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rude boy Posted June 2, 2014 Author Share Posted June 2, 2014 Support and advice, I guess. No one knows I use drugs. I've been able to keep it hidden for awhile. I started in my teens and never went beyond recreational until now. I guess the advice I need is, do I get back together with this girl to protect my baby even if I don't love her? Should I sacrifice my own happiness for my child's? Link to post Share on other sites
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