jackslife Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 The fact that your H decided to stick with you after the A despite the fact you didn't have children says a great deal about his love for you and commitment to the marriage. I think most men (and probably women) would have ended the relationship there and then in similar circumstances. He is still with you and as much as people say that recovery can take years, that doesn't mean that you can or should put your life on hold. My advice (FWIW), start talking about when you intend to start having children. Either after Christmas or next summer. He has decided to stay with you, so he should know if he wants children with you. If he trusts you, wants to stay married with you and then have a family, it is a no brainer. If he doesn't want children then he shouldn't use A as excuse not to. BTW, my wife had our son when she was 40. He is strong, bright and healthy. 2
gettingstronger Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 Generally speaking if you wait for "the right time" financially, etc.. to have kids you will never, ever have them That goes for any marriage I believe- I had my last child at 34 so you have some time, but 3 - yikes girl, you better get moving! As far as your relationship with your H- that does throw a curve in to it- my best suggestion is to have a long, honest talk- lay it on the table- does he see kids in the next 2 years- if he does not-you have a lot of soul searching to do- I don't have a good answer for that one- but this journey starts with an answer to the first question- does he want kids in the next 2 years- 2
Author compulsivedancer Posted July 14, 2014 Author Posted July 14, 2014 (edited) As far as your relationship with your H- that does throw a curve in to it- my best suggestion is to have a long, honest talk- lay it on the table- does he see kids in the next 2 years- if he does not-you have a lot of soul searching to do- I don't have a good answer for that one- but this journey starts with an answer to the first question- does he want kids in the next 2 years- He does. We're planning, I'm just impatient (and nervous about finances). I appreciate all of the reassurances. I'm having a much better day today. Just going back and reading all of your posts from December was very helpful, too. Edited July 14, 2014 by compulsivedancer 2
HereNorThere Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 I don't think there's anyone that could trust another person to have children with them this close to what you did. Not only does CM need time to heal, he also needs concrete proof that you are no longer the person capable of such horrendous things. Keep going to IC, stay transparent and NC, and prove that you've changed. We all have a tendency to disconnect or disassociate ourselves from past actions, but you have to remember that you did that and people do not change overnight. I do think your husband loves you enough to have kids, but he needs proof that you won't betray your family again. He obviously loves you CD because he traded his pride, sense of security and mental/physical health to be with you. Please let that be enough right now because it was more than you deserved. The last thing he needs is more pressure regarding your relationship. You need to quit thinking about your own needs so much and be selfless for a while. It's been about you for so long, it needs to be about him for a bit. Not forever, but certainly for the next couple of years.
DKT3 Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 I don't think there's anyone that could trust another person to have children with them this close to what you did. Not only does CM need time to heal, he also needs concrete proof that you are no longer the person capable of such horrendous things. Keep going to IC, stay transparent and NC, and prove that you've changed. We all have a tendency to disconnect or disassociate ourselves from past actions, but you have to remember that you did that and people do not change overnight. I do think your husband loves you enough to have kids, but he needs proof that you won't betray your family again. He obviously loves you CD because he traded his pride, sense of security and mental/physical health to be with you. Please let that be enough right now because it was more than you deserved. The last thing he needs is more pressure regarding your relationship. You need to quit thinking about your own needs so much and be selfless for a while. It's been about you for so long, it needs to be about him for a bit. Not forever, but certainly for the next couple of years. I think your comments here, are harsh and unfair. Its not a trade off to accept mistakes or bad decision of a loved one and move forward with you life. It doesn't cost you your pride. Not in CD/CM's case, not in mine and Lovin's case. These two WW's have and continue to do the work. I can't speak for CM, but for me, my fWW is working her a$$ off, sometimes to the point of annoyance to make me feel safe from her end. Now if CD continued to display a wayward mindset, then yes, I could see you comments as being valid. But she doesn't from what I can tell. 1
joanofark Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 I think your comments here, are harsh and unfair. Its not a trade off to accept mistakes or bad decision of a loved one and move forward with you life. It doesn't cost you your pride. Not in CD/CM's case, not in mine and Lovin's case. These two WW's have and continue to do the work. I can't speak for CM, but for me, my fWW is working her a$$ off, sometimes to the point of annoyance to make me feel safe from her end. Now if CD continued to display a wayward mindset, then yes, I could see you comments as being valid. But she doesn't from what I can tell. I have to ask. Was the pregnancy with Lovin planned?
Clay Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 I personally don't think its such a bad thing to wait to have kids. It sounds like they both need time to heal. Not to long ago CM came on and stated she was still looking up the OM. That clearly says she is not ready for such a serious commitment to the relationship. Remember its not just about them when kids come into the picture. Having kids change everything and I personally think she should wait until there both ready. I would encourage the both of them to take there time and allow each other to rebuild there relationship. CM is going to need a lot of time. I am not trying to be harsh I just hope you both have a good foundation before you try to bring kids into the picture. On a more positive note CD I am glad you are both still together and working through your problems. I wish you both continued success. Clay 1
DKT3 Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 I have to ask. Was the pregnancy with Lovin planned? Not planned, but very much wanted...by both of us. 4
HereNorThere Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 (edited) I think your comments here, are harsh and unfair. Its not a trade off to accept mistakes or bad decision of a loved one and move forward with you life. It doesn't cost you your pride. Not in CD/CM's case, not in mine and Lovin's case. These two WW's have and continue to do the work. I can't speak for CM, but for me, my fWW is working her a$$ off, sometimes to the point of annoyance to make me feel safe from her end. Now if CD continued to display a wayward mindset, then yes, I could see you comments as being valid. But she doesn't from what I can tell. If her husband is still having nightmares about the situation every single night (except recently when he said he had his first night without them), I think it's perfectly logical to conclude that now is not a healthy time to have children. I'm sorry you think it's harsh, but having children is a really big deal. I think it's important to bring them into the healthiest environment possible, and right now, this isn't it. It may not have cost you your pride, but I think most men would have an issue with pride if their wife slept with their best friend, repeatedly and lied about it for months. This is not offensive to say, just the logical truth. Personally, I'm glad they worked it out and I think it's awesome that CD is working to become a better person. Still, for me personally, it would be way too soon to have enough trust to have children with someone at this point. It may not be for you, it may not be for CM, I can only speak for myself, but judging by the nightmares, things he posted on facebook, etc. I think one can safely assume CM still has a ways to go before regains all that he lost. He also has not had the luxury of 5 years to get over it either. Once again, that's my opinion based on the limited amount of information given to me. Taking a quick glance at your threads, it does look like you've had similar issues with pride, btw: "I don't know about the pride shallowing part. I honestly think getting to this point take me leting go of some pride. I told myself for so long no matter how much I cared I would never be with her again." Edited July 14, 2014 by HereNorThere
Author compulsivedancer Posted July 15, 2014 Author Posted July 15, 2014 If her husband is still having nightmares about the situation every single night (except recently when he said he had his first night without them) Check the dates on the post. This is an old thread from Dec that I revived.
Author compulsivedancer Posted July 15, 2014 Author Posted July 15, 2014 I guess this is how I feel when I'm upset: I've been ready for years, and he was still talking two years when the affair started. Now that there's so much more at stake, why should I believe he'll ever want kids with me? The tone has changed. We're talking a lot more specifically about kids these days. It's just really easy to lose faith.
HereNorThere Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 (edited) I guess this is how I feel when I'm upset: I've been ready for years, and he was still talking two years when the affair started. Now that there's so much more at stake, why should I believe he'll ever want kids with me? The tone has changed. We're talking a lot more specifically about kids these days. It's just really easy to lose faith. I feel bad for not noticing the date, but most of my points are still valid. If it helps, I think psychologically you and CM are pretty good fit. You seem like a good balance and that usually means that you'll raise healthy kids. You're both smart, introspective people and I can only hope more people like you two have children. With that being said, you've got to lay off the obsession for a while. We're the same age and I've done the research on female and male fertility and you guys still have a while before you start to worry. Another two years is not going to hurt you in the long run and the last thing you want is to involve children in this mess. I've completely forgiven people for worse things you did, but it didn't happen in a year or two. I've built trust with people who have betrayed me, but it takes longer than what you've given him. Please, relax and enjoy the moment you are in. You were given a second chance, so enjoy it. You lose nothing by waiting a couple of years to let the resentment die down and things return to normal. Having children is stressful and trying for a lot of relationships. Let yours get a little stronger before you add that to the load. Might I suggest that maybe you're worried he will never be the "same"? That even if he does find a way to forgive and trust you enough, it still will never be the same as it might have been? I'm not saying that's what it is, but I just wonder if it doesn't play a role. Edited July 15, 2014 by HereNorThere 1
Author compulsivedancer Posted July 15, 2014 Author Posted July 15, 2014 Might I suggest that maybe you're worried he will never be the "same"? That even if he does find a way to forgive and trust you enough, it still will never be the same as it might have been? I'm not saying that's what it is, but I just wonder if it doesn't play a role. In some ways, but in this case I'm worried that it'll never change. I'm worried that there will always be a reason to push it back further because he'll never really be ready. 1
HereNorThere Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 In some ways, but in this case I'm worried that it'll never change. I'm worried that there will always be a reason to push it back further because he'll never really be ready. He gave a you a chance knowing he had a lot to lose; are you willing to do the same for him? *hint - he stayed with you, so the odds are in your favor. Give the dude some time and an emotional break. Reeeelax, what's a couple years? Even if for some reason it doesn't work out the way you want it, it was worth the chance to be with such an amazing guy. You guys need a cat. 1
Author compulsivedancer Posted July 15, 2014 Author Posted July 15, 2014 You guys need a cat. Lol. Can you tell him that? I'm not making any headway there either. Well....technically he did agree to a cat-sized dog.
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