Possible to have kids post-affair?

[compulsivedancer]

Your putting the cart before the horse. It would be a good idea for you to try to put your marriage back on track before you start thinking about children or a dog or cat.

 

For some reason I don't think you realize the extent of damage you did by having an affair. Your assuming that just because he's still there means that he'll work it out.

 

There's a good chance he's still trying to process the mess you made and if anyone pulls up stakes and has to make new living arrangements, it could very well be you.

 

If it was me, you would be the one out the door. My advice is to not bring up kids but at least make an attempt to show some remorse and try to seek forgiveness.

 

I'm NOT assuming that all will work out. If I was, there would be no question here. Btw, no one said anything about who would move out - I'm not sure what this has to do with the question.

 

I think this IS an important thing to talk about. I thought we'd be a lot further along after 1 year. Now that we're nearing the 1-year mark, I think we're both realizing how long this will take.

 

This means reevaluating, yet again. Figuring out whether we've got what it takes to move forward. Planning financially, etc. based on our expectations. Life didn't stop to give us time to figure out our relationship. If only. If we can't plan for the future, then how can we have a future at all?

[atreides]

CD, sure its possible, but i have not seen your H post recently and the last time he posted, things were unsure but you were on the right road to R.

 

So the question is not about being possible but if you are willing to wait for R to be complete or if it ever gets there to have kids.

 

I would not rush it, you are 30, hmmm my wife and i had our last child at 35 and maybe go for another. If you put a time table and really want to do R than that is your priority vs the 30 or 31+ year old mark.

 

It is a risk you take sure, he may not stay in the end but if you want your H and to have kids with him.... you already know... your A did screw up things, you don't need to hear it. But what i think is valuable and based on another thread is that i get the sense you are rushing a bit, perhaps fighting yourself on how much time your H should have and your goals in life. It's a tough place.. all i will say is your age is still very young, you have plenty of time for kids. I am a first born and my mother was 38....

[dichotomy]

Every situation is unique and has certain considerations.

 

We had a child after my wife's EA and dDay shortly after marriage. I was much older than you and frankly out of time, I wanted children for a very long time. Sounds weird from a man I suppose. My wife was not really planning or considering having more children at her age - so this was her gift to me to us. I had overcome a lot to get to this place where it was possible, but time was nearing a practical end.

 

My wife giving me a child was ...what she had to go though to do it ....with no complaints and out of love...is...the pillar of our marriage and a "antidote" to her EA, past life, treatment of me earlier, and to her selfish behavior up until dDay (and for while after).

 

29 is still very young and you have some real issues with affair. Give it another year. Also I don't sense any real desire on your husbands part to be a dad? Some men are wishy washy on this part, or don't know if it is for them. For others like me - it is one of the keystones to my life and my marriage.

 

Again your situation is much different than mine, but yes kids are possible post affair.

 

I think your husband sees kids a permanent life long tie to you -and frankly financial ties. After an affair and uncertainty for a man - I can see this as giving over alot of power to you.

Edited December 29, 2013 by dichotomy

[road]

I think this IS an important thing to talk about. I thought we'd be a lot further along after 1 year. Now that we're nearing the 1-year mark, I think we're both realizing how long this will take.

 

 

 

 

Now do you understand that recovery is a 2 to 5 year process. You have not hit the half way mark.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

He does want to have kids, but not until he is sure that he wants to stay with me.

 

 

 

Within a month after D-day, I was SURE I wanted to stay with my wife, but my "old" loyal non-cheating wife, not my "cheater" wife who was so sneaky and deceptive. So as long as my wife did everything I needed to heal and continued to do so, I KNEW I would be staying. A screw-up by her would be the only reason I would leave at that point.

 

 

Is it that your husband is not sure he wants to stay with you even if you do everything right, or just had doubts as to whether you could or would keep it up? That might not be a fair question for you, because I don't think I told my wife exactly what was going on in my head day to day, I kept a lot of those thoughts to myself, so you might not know what exactly your husband is feeling or thinking about it.

 

 

Now at about two years, I feel my wife has re-established trust and I no longer have doubts. I feel like any problems that come up now will be new problems, not problems from the past cheating. At two years out, I feel I would be ready to move on and resume my previous plans, including kids. I would not have felt that way at 11 months. At 11 months, I wasn't sure when I would feel that way, or if I ever would.

 

 

Still, at this point, if she starts reverting to any cheating-type behaviors, there would be no third chances.

[compulsivedancer]

I think that he mostly knows he wants to stay with me. But he doesn't know that he'll ever be able to get past what I've done. Yesterday he woke up and immediately started getting dressed ( this is unusual for him). I asked what was going on. He said it was the first night since the A that he hadn't dreamed about the A or OM. He had an idea in his dream and wanted to go immediately get it down on paper and start working on it.

 

I think that is very indicative of where he's at, how much the A is still on his mind, etc. He wants us to be able to move on, but he's still processing the hurt and the pain that OM and I caused him.

[whatatangledweb]

I believe your husband is wanting to wait to make sure to himself that you won't cheat again, that he can trust you. I have seen where many couples did move on and have children. Most work out fine but there were some that the marriages ended. Usually it was because the spouse cheated again.

 

I am at almost three years post d-day. I still worry at times. It is much less than it was but I still have a small fear if he is late, gets a weird number on his phone , etc. Yet if I wanted more children I am at a place I would feel it safe to have them.

 

The second year is the worst year for many bs. The shock has worn off and the full reality sets in. Keep doing what you are doing and your marriage will feel safe enough for him to have kids.

[TheBladeRunner]

Make sure you guys are good first, please trust me when I say that if it doesn't work out divorcing with lids sucks eggs no matter how you slice it. I have a five year old and I share custody 50/50. It's not the work, it's not even the expense, but it's dealing with the emotional stuff that is hard (post separation and divorce). Just this morning mine was crying how she "misses the time when mom and dad were together".....very hard to explain to a young child. I'm sure I'll be explaining this for a few years to come.

 

Adding a child will not make it better; although I love my daughter with every ounce of my being, even when me and the XW were together it put a HUGE strain on our relationship. Not trying to rain on your hopes, but you and your H need to be "square" between yourselves before having a child. Even if you hadn't hit this rough patch, you guys need to be good in your own relationship. JMO

[Lokahi117]

This hits very close to home with me. My wife and I were two months from trying for another (and I'm super potent I guess cause the last two took like 1 week of trying, so there wouldn't be a whole lot of trying). And that's when I discovered her affair. And it pains so badly because I really wanted our babies closer together, but now my youngest is seven and DDay was almost three years ago.

 

I can tell you that I was thinking that if I have more children, I would never do it without a lawyer approved and structured pre nup type set up about who gets the kids and what a separation would look like. But every time I see a baby, I get so sad. She knew I wanted more babies so desperately....and so did she.....but she never thought she would be caught, so she didn't think of all the consequences.

 

So maybe you could discuss some sort of legally binding agreement that would spell out how your life would look separately. This might help to put his mind at ease a bit about taking the unknown aspect out of it all.

 

I do wish my wife sought out help or opinions about her affair and our recovery more than she did or does. So CD I commend you for that. At least it lets your hubby know you are thinking about the situation and actively trying to find solutions.

[veryhappy]

As a fMOW in a similar marriage when it comes to the children discussion, my question is how much of being denied kids and having concrete plans played into you straying? Blah blah blah there's no excuse but if you were caring for ababy you wouldn't even have time for an A.

 

Dear h of OP, you'd better look long and hard at this issue because dismissing a woman when it comes to motherhood is extremely hurtful.

 

OP, you need to ask yourself what ultimately comes first - kids or your M. It sounds like kids do. I say get divorced and move on. If your h wants the same in the future and you'll be available you can always get back together. You are right about being scared and wanting it sooner rather than later. It's easier on you and safer for the baby.

Edited December 30, 2013 by cutedragon

[dichotomy]

I meant to post this, but not sure what happened to it. Was just wanting to review some math probabilities.

 

Your 29 now right? So lets give your marriage another year for working on the reconciliation. So you get to 30 and re-examine the marriage in a year. Lets say you figure it has not gotten better, and you decide to end the marriage cause you want kids and your husband still does not trust you. I think as a woman, if you got back into dating - you could find a decent man to marry within about two years (worst case 3). So now you are 32 or 33 now and get married. Not exactly a bad age to still have one or two kids. Plenty of women these days having kids mid thirties and up to mid 40's. But mid 30's is very normal and safe these days.

 

So my two cents - take another year and work on the marriage.

[veryhappy]

That is very poor advice. Having kids later is done, but not that easy or stress free.

 

You don't have a year to waste. For what? Your M can be just as uncertain, your h just as enthusiastic. You'll feel more trapped to make it work with the promise of someday.

 

Let's assume you wait and start dating close to 31. You might as well wear a bell to signal "desperate for kids". You need extra time to find the right guy with not that big of a baggage who wants a family.

 

So...what's the potential of your M at its best? Is that worth the risk of not having kids or having them late with the added risks with someone who doesn't want them that much?

[compulsivedancer]

That is very poor advice. Having kids later is done, but not that easy or stress free.

 

You don't have a year to waste. For what? Your M can be just as uncertain, your h just as enthusiastic. You'll feel more trapped to make it work with the promise of someday.

 

Let's assume you wait and start dating close to 31. You might as well wear a bell to signal "desperate for kids". You need extra time to find the right guy with not that big of a baggage who wants a family.

 

So...what's the potential of your M at its best? Is that worth the risk of not having kids or having them late with the added risks with someone who doesn't want them that much?

 

It's definitely worth the risk of giving it another year or two. If we wait past that, the risks start to outweigh the rewards. If all was perfect right now, we would probably still wait a year to let me get established in my job before trying (I started the job this summer, and the job will be reorganized in the spring).

 

Honestly, I think all will work out, but it does freak me out a bit to start running the numbers. It's frustrating to have such a limited time (so early in life!) for procreation.

[harrybrown]

So many consequences to affairs.

[compulsivedancer]

Turning thirty in a couple weeks. I've been feeling pretty down lately (last few days or so), crying a few times about kids, etc. I didn't realize until today that it probably is related to my birthday coming up.

 

I thought about posting a thread but realized that what I am feeling is a continuation of this thread, so I revived it instead.

 

I've had a couple close friends having babies this year, which doesn't help, and I'm at that age where my Facebook feed is flooded with pictures of small kids and baby bumps. I just want to be the one posting.

 

It feels like it'll never be the "right" time and it just hurts sometimes. I went shopping for a baby shower with my mom yesterday, and we spent two hours in the baby store. I didn't even realize that much time had passed.

 

I'm just needing a little comfort and reassurance right now.

[waterwoman]

Hi cd, if its any comfort to you, I conceived 2 months after my 31st birthday. We had started trying 2 months before expecting it to take ages. It didn't!! I had my second baby at 34 and my 3rd at 38. Many of my friends also had their babies in their 30s.

[BetrayedH]

Just keep giving it time, CD. I know you feel your clock ticking but I'm convinced that this infidelity stuff does take the 2-5 years that they say. And you're still young enough to let it play out. I don't think it's healthy for you to bring a child into the scenario until your husband has healed. True acceptance takes much longer than I ever thought it would and in my experience, the wayward is almost always over it much faster than the BS.

 

This isn't to say that I don't think you two will recover as a couple. I just get the sense that CM is still angry. I think you're going to have to let him process.

[harrybrown]

My wife had two of our kids in her 30s. One at 33, the last one at 37.

 

What does the famous CM have to say about the situation?

 

I do hope things go well for you and your H.

[lovinDKT3]

CD, don't put so much pressure on yourself. Having kids at 30+ is really common. My sister had three in her 30's. I'm now pregnant with my second after 30, first was at 27.

 

As far as the infidelity and R, I'm in the same boat so I'm not sure I can be much help there. I will say this much, DKT was a good dad, but now he is a great one. Thing is, even if we don't make it I couldn't have asked for a better man to raise kids with. Sure it isn't idea to not have a two parent home. However having two loving parents who put the needs of the kids first is great, no matter the relationship status.

[whatatangledweb]

My sister had her second one at 36. A friend of ours at hers at 36 and one at 37. My husband"s coworker's wife at one at 42 and now she is 46 and pregnant. Women can have babies at a much older age now.

 

I remember dreading my 30th birthday. I thought it meant my youth was over. The day after it , I remember thinking " I don't feel old". The dread and fear were gone.

 

Hang in there , you have plenty of time to have one. A strong foundation together makes it better and easier when you have kids. Has your husband said anything more about having kids?

[whichwayisup]

Lots of women begin to have their first child in their 30's now. It's not like in the past when women were having babies in their early to mid 20's.

 

You have plenty of time.

 

Have you and your H discussed kids recently? Tell him how you're feeling.

[notserene]

Chiming in here...I had twins (spontaneously) when I was in my early 30s. I know we hear a lot about how women's fertility declines with age but I don't think you need to be worried about it at your age.

[Trustnoone]

CD

 

I didn't read the entire thread just your first post. For my wife and I we wanted to be financially secure, have a nice home, and be established in our careers when we had kids. Through hard work we were able to do this. Somehow her getting pregnant became a problem. Both of us were checked and there was no medical conditions to prevent us from having kids. We did fertility and the co-pays for the meds alone were $400.00 a month. Fertility didn't work. We tried invitro fertilization. We did not have success with this either. Then several years later she became pregnant. Only to suffer a miscarriage on our third doctors appointment.

 

We did what we thought was the best way to bring a child into the world. But as you can see not everything goes according to plan. But having a plan is the smart way. This was all pre-affair. We tried for fifteen years to have children. Sometimes things happen in life that we plan for and others are unplanned. Only you yourself will know when you are ready for children. How is your husband when he is around infants? Does he hold them, feed them? When they are toddler age does he chase them around and act all silly with them? What I'm saying is do you think he wants kids at the same level you do? For me, it meant everything to me.

 

Having kids after an affair is possible. I remember holding the twins for the first time and a tear forms in my eye. Your life changes completely and you understand what love really is. My advice is this, if you want kids then by all means have kids. You have prepared yourself as best you can, affair aside.

 

Best of luck to you and CM.

 

I told myself I wasn't going to post anymore, but your question and heartfelt sincerity made me respond.

[Davey L]

I was about your H's age at the time of my wife's affair. For the next five years, at least, I had too many doubts to consider having children.

I did not voice that to my wife. Perhaps I should have done, but the affair has never been discussed. Whenever she mentioned children (not often, after the affair) I'd just make some non-committal remark. Effectively, through that period, I was just kicking the can down the road.

Unless you have a good relationship with your husband now I would not expect him to be 100% honest in answering questions about emotional stuff, like, does he want children.

Are you prepared to stay with your husband if children are off the agenda, or if you have to wait 5 or more years (by which time it might be getting just a tad late)? Are you that committed to the marriage? Think this through and it might affect your decision as to whether to stay now or not.

[Bittersweetie]

Hi CD, We conceived our child two years after d-day. I do wish we'd had a bit more time to grow and process, but I was 40! I knew if we didn't try then, we'd regret it. Fortunately it only took us a couple of months.

 

You still have plenty of time. I wouldn't recommend waiting as long as I did, but maybe see how things are in your relationship in 6 months to a year, and revisit things then.

 

I would say, though, that be 100% positive that you are both on board. My H flat out told me he was a bit nervous about trying for a kid because then we would be connected forever. But he wanted to try as much as I did, and we moved forward on the decision together.

 

Good luck, B