coccolove Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 (edited) Hello everyone, im new to this forum, i found it googling advice cause i have my friends tired with my same dilemmas everyday :/ Im 26, i recently graduated college, i have no kids, have a great life and im very happy. A few months ago i met a guy who i thought wouldnt pass from a few dates, now we've been together for 7 months and are living together. Things have been great but also we've had very bad situations happening, because he has anger issues and gets violent when he gets upset, which is fairly easy, even traffic will get him yelling at me, although he has never hit me. He stresses out over work a lot and other things and takes it out on me or blames it on other people. We have been close to breaking up because of situations where he's gotten so upset i think hes gonna hit me, but just hits the wall, destroys thing etc i've stayed with him and supported him in many difficult times, and ive forgotten about all that, what troubles me is that he has a daughter from a past relationship. She's 7 and shes a brat, she hits him, spits in his face, she is so bossy and demanding. She likes me a lot, and i like her too but it is hard being around her, because she needs too much attention, she wont leave you alone not even 5 minutes, as soon as she gets to the house she is like: do this do that, i want this, i want that, we cant eat until she wants us to, we cant do anything if she doesnt approve it, she cant even watch tv for more than 5 minutes, she is very rude, she slaps me "playing", she doesnt even let me eat because she puts s@hit i my food, she covered my face with play doh one time i fell asleep in the couch and almost choke with it cause it got insime my nose etc I love my bf, he wants to marry me and i do too but im not sure if i can stand his daughter. i play with her talk to her i try very hard but i cant anymore, i wanna leave him because of her. he only has her one day a week and even that day i dread of coming, that day feels so long i dont know what to do. I may move in the next year to a bigger city for my PhD and he wants to go with me and maybe if the mom of the daughter lets him, the daughter will come with us. I do not know if i will be able to see her everyday, put my needs after hers, and her being so bratty and ungrateful. Everyday even for school she says shes tired and she cries for an hour(im not kidding)and he has to dress her up from panties to shoes while she lays still in bed watching tv, he brushes her teeth, we have to feed her by mouth or she wont eat, etc I love my BF, im young, i just started my career, ive never been this serious with someone or lived with someone before, we've undergone so many things in such little time and i want to be with him. I also cant get over the fact that he was with the baby's momma, she's 10- yrs older than him, a bitchy bossy woman with no virtues and that he/i are stuck with, because since he has a daughter i know he comes in a package. It sickens me and i cant forgive him for just sticking his penis inside someone without thinking of the consequences and now has one that cant be erased and isaffecting his life. He blames the school system for his daughter being like that and for pushing back his career etc he moved to two cities because the baby's momma wanted to, they lived together for 2 yrs "without" being together or sleeping together, he says he didnt for his daughter, i dont know what to believe. I dont know if i will be able to be with someone knowing i will not be the priority ever, but it will be that little bratty kid that spits in your face and kicks you in the knee, a little girl that after receiving about 20+ gifts for xmas says: is this all? Aaahhh i dont even like anything that much and starts having a meltdown crying. I love kids, i always have, i just dont know how a kid becomes like that and if i should just withstand her because i love a person. And the baby's momma being how she is and still wanting to control my bf's life. I dont know if im still just too immature for a relationship like this. Please help me Edited December 28, 2013 by coccolove
d0nnivain Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 If he's not parenting her & setting limits (letting your 7 yr old spit in your face is not setting boundaries IMHO) you will never be able to stop her horrid behavior. Trying will only make you seem like the bad guy. Feel free to tell him that you have issues with this but don't expect a guy with anger management issues of his own to care or change his behavior. 1
Author coccolove Posted December 28, 2013 Author Posted December 28, 2013 If he's not parenting her & setting limits (letting your 7 yr old spit in your face is not setting boundaries IMHO) you will never be able to stop her horrid behavior. Trying will only make you seem like the bad guy. Feel free to tell him that you have issues with this but don't expect a guy with anger management issues of his own to care or change his behavior. He says he feels guilty for not being with her everyday so he lets her do what she pleases until he gets super upset and scolds her, although she doesnt care, i get more scared of him than her. i talked to him about it and blames the school system, etc but also told me that i am not one to be having that conversation with. She doesnt listen to him so to me neither of course, although it would seem she likes me better and prefers to be around me and it breaks my heart that i cant be with her so much because i cant stand her for a long period.
Silly_Girl Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 Things have been great but also we've had very bad situations happening, because he has anger issues and gets violent when he gets upset, which is fairly easy, even traffic will get him yelling at me, although he has never hit me. He stresses out over work a lot and other things and takes it out on me or blames it on other people. We have been close to breaking up because of situations where he's gotten so upset i think hes gonna hit me, but just hits the wall, destroys thing etc So at this point I was thinking that you really need to consider whether someone who is like this *already* is someone you should be seriously investing in. My answer is No, before you even get to the other stuff which will never get better, only worse. My advice - I'm so sorry - is to cut your losses.
d0nnivain Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 I'm no expert. I dated one man with a teenager once. When the teenager acted up & I was either the only adult present or the misbehavior was directed at me, I dealt with it. I knew my BF wasn't man enough to handle it & like your BF, he felt guilty for not being there more. In response the kid often yelled things like "you're not my mother". My response was always the same: "Thank heaven. However, I am the adult currently charged with your safety / or you are in my house so you have to follow my rules." I would also throw his "I'm not a baby" arguments back in his face by reminding him that what he was doing was babyish or at least not mature enough to instill confidence so there would be no way he'd get to do whatever it was that he wanted to do that required him to be more responsible. However, you can't defy your BF's authority because at the end of the day, she's his daughter.
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