yourmother Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 I'm looking for some advice on how to motivate my 62-year-old mother to eat better and be more active. I've fought this battle personally, as a fat child and teenager growing up. Through a lot of hard work and persistence, I'm currently at a healthy weight. One would think going through this experience would make me more empathetic toward my mom's situation, but oddly this is not the case. I find myself easily frustrated by her laziness. While I understand it's not my responsibility to "change her," she was recently diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes and has had several health episodes over the last year--most arising from the fact she does not carefully monitor her blood sugar level. I feel that I have an obligation to at least attempt to compel her to change her ways. I know that if things continue down this path, she likely won't be around much longer. It really comes down to her lifestyle. She spends most of her time at home, in front of the television. She is a good cook, but in the Paula Deen vein. Not healthy at all. She does have a gym membership, but only seems to visit the gym once or twice a month. Since my father passed away about five years ago, she seems content to live alone. (Note that my father's passing did not trigger this change; this has been a struggle for as long as I can remember.) When I attempt to confront her about her lifestyle, she becomes instantly defensive or evasive. We are diametrically opposed when it comes to these things, so I often find myself quick to judge her, or as a sibling recently told me, "shame her." Honestly, though, I'm at my wits end. I am wondering if anyone has gone through similar experiences with family members? How have you been successful in changing their habits? Thanks!
HokeyReligions Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 Let her know you love her. Acknowledge that she loves you. Then leave her alone. 2
mrs rubble Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 Do you live near her? Is it possible to set up some good habit's for her? For example- turn up at her place say 3 mornings a week and tell her the 2 of you are going for a walk- then come back and prepare a healthy breakfast together? If you're insistant and constant, she may begin to enjoy it and make the habit for herself. 3
d0nnivain Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 I made healthy meals for my dad & took him places so I'd know he was moving 3
Tayla Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 My mom passed away last year, I was her live in care taker for ten years. She had kidney problems, diabetes and mobility issues. The best advice I can give you and one that you may not understand is..be her ally not her coach. She deserves to have your attention and concern, but do so in a loving manner. I regret 90% of my reasons for chastising my mom into walking or eating right...there was more to her that deserved my attention. Sometimes us closest can do more harm then good when our intentions are not in the long run what they want. Cherish your mom...you only get one.... 2
CC12 Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 (edited) When I attempt to confront her about her lifestyle, she becomes instantly defensive or evasive. Maybe you didn't mean it this way, but your use of the word "confront" indicates to me that you're not treating this with the sensitivity it deserves. Getting on her case isn't going to help her. It's probably just going to make her feel worse. Reminder: Feeling terrible about oneself is probably the number one reason people don't take better care of their health. I think it would be much more effective if you approached it in a loving, caring, willing-to-help manner. Something like, "Mom, I have to apologize for coming on so strong before about your health. I'm just worried about you because I love you and I want you to be healthy. I've struggled with eating right and getting fit and I know it's hard, but I'd be willing to help in whatever way I can. This is a standing offer, so you don't have to take me up on it right now. Just know that I'll always be here to help if you want it." And then you pretty much have to leave it alone and accept the personal decisions she makes. You are willing to help, though, right? Going with her to the gym or on walks, or helping her create healthy meal plans and taking her grocery shopping, or - if you can afford it - pitching in for one of those Nutrisystem-type plans where they just ship you pre-made food for every meal (I think that's how it works, anyway.) Or maybe find out if she'd qualify for a Meals on Wheels type thing. There are a lot of things you could do. You'll have to wait until she asks for or is willing to accept your help, though. Edited December 30, 2013 by CC12 1
OpheliaSong Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 Nothing is more resented than self righteous indignation from those whom you have raised. My granny says this often and I think it applies here. Accept that she is your elder and an adult and gets to make her own terrible choices in her life without your censure. 1
chal4oye Posted January 1, 2014 Posted January 1, 2014 I have to apologize for coming on so strong before about your health. I'm just worried about you because I love you and I want you to be healthy. I've struggled with eating right and getting fit and I know it's hard, but I'd be willing to help in whatever way I can. This is a standing offer, so you don't have to take me up on it right now. Just know that I'll always be here to help if you want it." And then you pretty much have to leave it alone and accept the personal decisions she makes.
lollipopspot Posted January 1, 2014 Posted January 1, 2014 I have to apologize for coming on so strong before about your health. I'm just worried about you because I love you and I want you to be healthy. I've struggled with eating right and getting fit and I know it's hard, but I'd be willing to help in whatever way I can. This is a standing offer, so you don't have to take me up on it right now. Just know that I'll always be here to help if you want it." And then you pretty much have to leave it alone and accept the personal decisions she makes. That's good. OP, she's been this way your whole life. You probably aren't going to change her, because she doesn't want to change. In this case, the best you can do is live by example, and let her choices be her own. I used to try to get my mom to stop smoking. It will never happen.
d0nnivain Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 I think there's a balance. At the end of her life, my mother had a lot of health problems. Years earlier she broke her leg, wimped out on her PT & developed muscle atrophy. Thereafter I became Attila the Hun when it came to her physical therapy. She also had pulmonary & cardiac complications which worsened when she didn't move. Every day for the last 9 months of her life I worked with her to move. We lifted 1 pound weights, I made her do leg kicks from her chair & we played catch with a big child's ball. She hated me for it but her doctors & therapists assured me that it was the best thing for her. If I hadn't made her do those things, she would have ended up in a nursing home instead of being able to come home with a caregiver. Part of why I was so hard on her was that all my life she made me promise not to put her in a home & this was the only way to avoid that & keep her safe. As long as you are respectful & do it with love, sometimes as parents get older, the roles change. The child becomes the responsible one. I miss my parents every day. But when I put my head down at night, I KNOW I honored & cared for them, even when it was the hardest things I had to do . . . like make those finial decision in the days & hours before they died. 1
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