Dating a nice guy with cancer...

[devastated777]

Itispointless,

that is what I am wondering and I feel ashamed even thinking that but I guess Ill people have desires too. I know hes up for his 6 week round and he will be down and isolated for a while. I almost feel like he is rushing me with "how great a hugger" I am for it to lead to something else. Therefore, I'm wondering if I can go with it, to be nice and not get attached. Just bad timing but I feel like he needs someone. hmmmm

[Itspointless]

Hi devastated777, do not be ashamed wondering about that. We are all people with our good and bad sites. It is also common that we want to be nice for people who have it hard. But they are still people like us. The only difference is that they are having a hard time. There is no reason to lift them on a pedestal and not asking critical questions. My guess is that when your mother was ill you learned to take care, probably and perhaps with not getting the attention and care you deserved by outsiders. Outsiders often do not experience how hard it is to be 24/7 with someone who is ill. Most people experience that person when he or she is holding up an appearance for the outside world. They miss the moments when those people break down or are demanding, or whatever emotional state they can be in. A social dynamic within a family can get very unhealthy in such situations.

 

The question you should answer for yourself is why you want to help him so badly that you are willing to do almost everything? I am not saying that it is not good to do volunteering, but I get the feeling that there is a lack within yourself that you are trying to compensate. Is this really about him? Is this really about your mothers wish? And what part does the breaking up with your ex have to do with your feelings now?

 

Know that you aren’t obliged to do what your mother wanted, she will be proud of you anyway. Forget about that feeling of a test as that probably makes you dive into things you may be regretting doing. If it is a test what I doubt, than it could also be that winning means something different than you are thinking now. Also forget what people tell you about grief, six years isn’t much time after losing a parent. You are not there for his desires. Being present should already be way more than enough if you have the energy for that. Be very careful with your energy and getting attached.

 

Take more distance and try to feel why you want to do all these things. Don’t answer these questions to quickly and with socially acceptable answers. Search for yourself what you want to compensate, it could even be some sort of social acceptance you have missed during many years. A therapist could help you with all these things. Until you got those questions straight you can be a normal friend for him.

Edited December 28, 2013 by Itspointless

[devastated777]

Hi devastated777, do not be ashamed wondering about that. We are all people with our good and bad sites. It is also common that we want to be nice for people who have it hard. But they are still people like us. The only difference is that they are having a hard time. There is no reason to lift them on a pedestal and not asking critical questions. My guess is that when your mother was ill you learned to take care, probably and perhaps with not getting the attention and care you deserved by outsiders. Outsiders often do not experience how hard it is to be 24/7 with someone who is ill. Most people experience that person when he or she is holding up an appearance for the outside world. They miss the moments when those people break down or are demanding, or whatever emotional state they can be in. A social dynamic within a family can get very unhealthy in such situations.

 

The question you should answer for yourself is why you want to help him so badly that you are willing to do almost everything? I am not saying that it is not good to do volunteering, but I get the feeling that there is a lack within yourself that you are trying to compensate. Is this really about him? Is this really about your mothers wish? And what part does the breaking up with your ex have to do with your feelings now?

 

Know that you aren’t obliged to do what your mother wanted, she will be proud of you anyway. Forget about that feeling of a test as that probably makes you dive into things you may be regretting doing. If it is a test what I doubt, than it could also be that winning means something different than you are thinking now. Also forget what people tell you about grief, six years isn’t much time after losing a parent. You are not there for his desires. Being present should already be way more than enough if you have the energy for that. Be very careful with your energy and getting attached.

 

Take more distance and try to feel why you want to do all these things. Don’t answer these questions to quickly and with socially acceptable answers. Search for yourself what you want to compensate, it could even be some sort of social acceptance you have missed during many years. A therapist could help you with all these things. Until you got those questions straight you can be a normal friend for him.

 

 

You are so awesome at explaining things. I am truly amazed and appreciative of the help here.

 

My ex has nothing to do it (at least I don't think so ). Just felt it fair game to throw that out there.

 

As far as my feelings about giving ill people everything, I suppose I do that to a fault. My Mother always told me I have the gift of discernment (sp?) to a fault.

 

True,my Mothers illness was one more roller coaster ride. She fought long AND hard. Fortunately, we managed to bond and let each other know how much we loved each other and I am glad I was there with her when she made her transition. That made me realize how terrified most people are of dying. I just feel this urge to help people and be there for support as they make that anticipated transition. She often commended me for what a great care giver I was and how I should use that gift.

 

Thanks for your advice and for helping with my understanding more and explanation.

[Itspointless]

You are welcome. As you probably guessed I have experienced illness and death with a parent while I was a teenager.

 

It seems you already have one clue to work with: the mental representation your mother gave you about yourself. Identity is a very complex and interesting phenomenon as we tell stories about ourselves but also integrate stories that people tell about us, sometimes that is called the difference between I and Me (see for example: 'I' and the 'me' - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia).

[devastated777]

You are welcome. As you probably guessed I have experienced illness and death with a parent while I was a teenager.

 

It seems you already have one clue to work with: the mental representation your mother gave you about yourself. Identity is a very complex and interesting phenomenon as we tell stories about ourselves but also integrate stories that people tell about us, sometimes that is called the difference between I and Me (see for example: 'I' and the 'me' - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia).

 

Wow. That is deep. I suppose that explains a lot of confusion in how people find it hard to know their purpose in life. Very profound yet eye opening.

[lollipopspot]

I am going through this right now. My prognosis is not known yet. But yeah, I ask myself, what woman is going to want to date a man with surgical scars.

 

If someone you found attractive was also attracted to you and wanted to have sex with you, even if it was FWB, would you want that? Would it make you feel better about yourself physically, and that you're still sexy in someone's eyes, even with all you're going through?

 

Would you want her to have this conversation with you?

[lollipopspot]

I made a post, my very first post which was moved from here to In Search Of. I find a lot of women attractive, but in my situation I cannot deal with if's and but's. I have to deal with my reality. If you would like to read my thread you can read it from my perspective.

 

I did read that when you originally posted it. I'm sorry for what you're going through.

 

I was thinking of this particular case where this woman is into this guy, doesn't necessarily want to have a long-term relationship with him but wants to be physically intimate with him. Just wondering how you might feel if this scenario were playing out for you.

[freetolove]

You're going to get emotionally involved so weather you like it or not, you're going to be "commited".

[PogoStick]

I don't see a problem with it if you make it clear you don't want a relationship. Go out for drinks. Casually tell him you don't want any kind of serious relationship because you just got out of one, but you've been sooo horny. See if he bites.