devastated777 Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 In summary. Love of my life dumped me 9 weeks ago. Finally accepted he isn't coming back. Anyway, met this guy that I crushed on in high school thru facebook. Sent him a message and friended him. We had dinner tonight and I found out he has cancer. Going for some marrow treatments that will take six weeks. I have a soft spot for cancer patient, as I lost my Mother to cancer and cared for her for years before she died. Anyway, I know he is scared and lonely but has this tough exterior. He kept hinting tonight that he was lonely and didn't want the night to end. I do not want to date but I wouldn't mind having some needs met, if he can do it and is up to it. Would that be bad for me to offer and how would I go about it? He is leaving next week. I feel so bad for him. We are having breakfast tomorrow. I just don't want a serious relationship, plus Im scared to get attached to someone who has a prognosis with a terminal illness. Any thoughts? Advice?
Poppyolive Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 Having cancer is an emotional roller coaster, Ive had someone close to me with cancer and she has passed. Without bringing down this thread....im pointing out, it is a very difficult journey for the patient. Now, when my friend was diagnosed she worked super hard to kick it, but she too felt lonely and I encouraged her to have a few light dates to get the heart fluttering, although surviving cancer was her goal, she gave it 100% but made room for a few dates, mainly coffee, hangout dates and when they discovered she had cancer they didn't return, I get that, it can be a very difficult situation for anyone to become involved in, and i certainly don't think pity should be placed over their heads when they are tackling a life altering condition..... So without holding pity over this man, if you are still interested you need to prepare for a emotional journey, be healthy to take that journey and whatever it entails, you will have to be sensitive to his situation and take care not to hurt him. You need to take care of yourself too and what it may bring you, I strongly suggest if its company and sexual needs you desire with him, you need to let him know, be open with your heart, because the very last thing he needs is a broken heart, hurt on top of an already very difficult path ahead. Now, im sure because you came here to seek advice you seem compassionate and caring, but you need to thread very carefully, maybe you could spend more time with him, keep it light and fluffy and if there is a connection then too thread carefully, keeping an open heart and open communication. Im sharing my advice from a best friend of a cancer patient and seeing her struggles with you. so you can see it from his side. Best wishes 1
Poppyolive Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 "i dont want to date, but i wouldn't mind having some needs met" If these needs are purely sexual then i don't think its a good idea here, unless it is discussed. If the needs are closeness and friendship then thats wonderful. But keep in mind he is in a delicate place in his life and sure doesn't mixed signals and heartache.
writergal Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 Messing with cancer patients to fulfill your own sexual needs is reprehensible. I've lost friends and family members to cancer, and it is THE most stressful life experience that one can have. You just got dumped from the love of your life, and now you're possibly going to rebound with your high school crush who is just about to start a round of chemo treatments. Shame on you. Pick someone else to rebound with. It's clear from your post that your head isn't straight over your recent breakup, and your extremely selfish to lead him on for your own personal gain. Please do him a favor and leave him alone. I doubt you'll get attached to him anyway, because your mindset is to get your needs met, so you can't possibly have any compassion for him right now as you are still nursing your wounds from your breakup. 4
lollipopspot Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 He kept hinting tonight that he was lonely and didn't want the night to end. I do not want to date but I wouldn't mind having some needs met, if he can do it and is up to it. People are saying it's bad, but I've sure seen a lot of guys who just want to get laid, and I'm not sure that his desires for sex are different than any other guy's. I think you should just be honest with him. He might love the idea. A lot of people with health issues are relieved when other people treat them like they're normal and not somehow tainted by their illness. 1
Author devastated777 Posted December 28, 2013 Author Posted December 28, 2013 I guess I need to think more about this. I know about cancer too, as I said I cared for my Mother. I am in no way wanting to use the guy otherwise, there are plenty others out there that would be glad to be used. I guess what I'm saying is I have feelings for him, I just am afraid of being attached. Yet, at the same time, I know he wants someone to give him affection, love and compassion and I know I could do that. Just trying to be stoic I guess and lying to myself by saying I couldn't get attached. I just feel he came in to my life for a reason but it sure is bad timing for me but maybe good for him. Thanks for the advice but I know my heart and definitely no shame here.
writergal Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 People with cancer don't need to be coddled. That wasn't the point of my criticism of the OP's poor decision making. The point of my post, is to warn the OP that the journey of cancer-treatment and recovery is a very fragile, emotionally and financially taxing one. My last friend with cancer was a guy, who died. Before he died, he dated several women and none of them tried to get over a breakup by using him. They showed him respect and treated him with kindness and kept their own baggage to themselves, because the last thing he needed was to deal with the kind of drama that the OP is about to venture into, if she doesn't show her friend more respect. I get that you are attracted to him and that you wouldn't mind a ONS or casual sex relationship with him to help you get over your hurtful breakup. But don't do it. Have some integrity and compassion, and be mature enough to recognize that taking advantage of your friend would be selfish and morally wrong. 1
Author devastated777 Posted December 28, 2013 Author Posted December 28, 2013 Hello Writergal. Did you even read my post?? I have been there and done that with caring for cancer patients.
theothersully Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 Full honesty here is the way to go. I'm sure if he finds you attractive, he'll be quite happy with fwb. What guy isn't, especially if they have a lot of other stuff going on in life. This is probably an ideal situation for him... and will bring some fun and excitement into his life. I mean if you are stuck in a hospital for a bit, what better than to have a sexy visitor come by to get it on in your hospital bed?? Stuff dreams are made of.
lollipopspot Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 you wouldn't mind a ONS or casual sex relationship with him to help you get over your hurtful breakup. But don't do it. What if HE wants a ONS or casual relationship? I'd be honest with him and decide together.
Author devastated777 Posted December 28, 2013 Author Posted December 28, 2013 I by no means, need his help to get over a breakup. Again, there are plenty of others that would be willing to do that. I am just afraid of getting too attached and worry that it is too soon because I wanted to enjoy being me for a while. Now he is here and I feel he needs me but now Im afraid of getting attached. He keeps asking me if I can handle it and I am honest by saying, I just honestly don't know that
writergal Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 I did read your post, but the one line that you wrote: I wouldn't mind having some needs met, if he can do it and is up to it is the source of my vitrol about your attitude towards your friend. It implies that if he has the physical and emotional strength, you're okay with taking advantage of him to fulfill your own needs (which is to nurse your breakup wounds). Don't try to dodge that statement. You wrote it. It doesn't exactly paint you in a very positive light, at least not to me. 1
Author devastated777 Posted December 28, 2013 Author Posted December 28, 2013 I can tell he just wants physical contact here and some support. He asks me no questions about my past. Just wants hugs and I believe he is hinting to sex. I don't know what to think. Guess I will see more in the morning at breakfast.
Author devastated777 Posted December 28, 2013 Author Posted December 28, 2013 I did read your post, but the one line that you wrote: is the source of my vitrol about your attitude towards your friend. It implies that if he has the physical and emotional strength, you're okay with taking advantage of him to fulfill your own needs (which is to nurse your breakup wounds). Don't try to dodge that statement. You wrote it. It doesn't exactly paint you in a very positive light, at least not to me. Couldn't care less what light I painted in your opinion. I have other problems. If you want to bicker, go to another thread.
mortensorchid Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 Good Lord ... I couldn't imagine what must be going through your mind nor the mind of the cancer patient in question. Do you think it's healthy (no pun intended) that either of you do this depending on the cancer and your just breaking off the love of your life a few weeks ago? I don't know what to say about this. I hope you do the right thing, whatever that is. 1
Poppyolive Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 Couldn't care less what light I painted in your opinion. I have other problems. If you want to bicker, go to another thread. No need to get all bitchy, You asked for advice as you are questioning what to do, now like every other thread here, if you post for advice you are going to get some you understand, get some that doesn't apply to you, get some you like and get some you hate...thats what asking for advice is, if you wanted only a particular answer of "yah go for it" then you have your own answer. Nobody is assuming anything, Im pretty sure they are only going on what you wrote and what they read. Each took the time out to offer you their advice....just my 2 cents. 2
gaius Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 One of the best things in the world you could do for him would be to f his brains out. I don't think beginning dating when he has cancer makes a good bedrock for a long term thing though. As you know people can often be vulnerable and weak going through treatments and I'd imagine once they get better the whole dynamic will change. Like when a big fatso loses a ton of weight. More often than not they're out with someone new when that happens.
regine_phalange Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 In summary. Love of my life dumped me 9 weeks ago. Finally accepted he isn't coming back. Anyway, met this guy that I crushed on in high school thru facebook. Sent him a message and friended him. We had dinner tonight and I found out he has cancer. Going for some marrow treatments that will take six weeks. I have a soft spot for cancer patient, as I lost my Mother to cancer and cared for her for years before she died. Anyway, I know he is scared and lonely but has this tough exterior. He kept hinting tonight that he was lonely and didn't want the night to end. I do not want to date but I wouldn't mind having some needs met, if he can do it and is up to it. Would that be bad for me to offer and how would I go about it? He is leaving next week. I feel so bad for him. We are having breakfast tomorrow. I just don't want a serious relationship, plus Im scared to get attached to someone who has a prognosis with a terminal illness. Any thoughts? Advice? If you really think he is a nice guy, and you are willing to support him through this nightmare called cancer, be his friend. Don't even think about exploiting him. Stress can worsen his health, which is already very weak. 3
ThatMan Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 I'm very worried about the manner in which you refer to yourself and other people, and I quote, "...I am in no way wanting to use the guy otherwise, there are plenty others out there that would be glad to be used." People are not objects too be used. You're speaking about human beings with wants ans needs. Friends with benefits are relationships that require a lot of personal strength to persevere through all the stress. If you truly cared about this man, you'll be emotionally available to him, and not objectify him. 3
regine_phalange Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 I'm very worried about the manner in which you refer to yourself and other people, and I quote, "...I am in no way wanting to use the guy otherwise, there are plenty others out there that would be glad to be used." People are not objects too be used. You're speaking about human beings with wants ans needs. Friends with benefits are relationships that require a lot of personal strength to persevere through all the stress. If you truly cared about this man, you'll be emotionally available to him, and not objectify him. I agree and hate the term "using". It's very selfish and inhuman. I wonder how people can treat other people like that. People who have health issues sometimes can be very vulnerable and desperate, and make bad choices if you don't prevent them. I used to have this friend; after an accident he lost his entire leg (he has a prosthetic now). Afterwards, he went on dates with women, but after a while they were dumping him. He always shared the stories with me for support. He has been suffering from PTSD, body image issues (rightfully so), depression, thinking of suicide even. At the same time he is a wonderful person, very strong, very funny, with even athletic achievements after his accident. At some point he was very vulnerable and wanted to date me as something more than a friend. I knew he was just hurt over his ex, and was confusing friendly feelings with romantic ones. I wasn't attracted to him physically (not because of the leg, I have been attracted to a man with prosthetic before, I don't care about it). And even if I was attracted to him, I don't think I would be able to handle the psyche of this person as a lover. And I am glad I never did, because now he has a lovely fiancee and he is about to get married. He always wanted a family and kids, and choosing to rebound with me would not have helped at all, actually it would have put him out of track. The right woman for your old crush would be the one who would think of him as a boyfriend, despite his illness. 2
Itspointless Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 In summary. Love of my life dumped me 9 weeks ago. Finally accepted he isn't coming back. Anyway, met this guy that I crushed on in high school thru facebook. Sent him a message and friended him. We had dinner tonight and I found out he has cancer. Going for some marrow treatments that will take six weeks. I have a soft spot for cancer patient, as I lost my Mother to cancer and cared for her for years before she died. Anyway, I know he is scared and lonely but has this tough exterior. He kept hinting tonight that he was lonely and didn't want the night to end. I do not want to date but I wouldn't mind having some needs met, if he can do it and is up to it. Would that be bad for me to offer and how would I go about it? He is leaving next week. I feel so bad for him. We are having breakfast tomorrow. I just don't want a serious relationship, plus Im scared to get attached to someone who has a prognosis with a terminal illness. Any thoughts? Advice? Have you considered old emotions that can could come back as you already lost your mother? I am in a situation now that faced me with such feelings on top of the emotions of loosing and being worried, as she pushed me away. Be careful for you both. 1
Author devastated777 Posted December 28, 2013 Author Posted December 28, 2013 Have you considered old emotions that can could come back as you already lost your mother? I am in a situation now that faced me with such feelings on top of the emotions of loosing and being worried, as she pushed me away. Be careful for you both. That's the thing. At breakfast this morning, he was talking about losing his hair and how devastating just that small part of this whole picture is. It was exactly how Mom lost hers and it brought back some very vivid memories. I know when we are together, all he talks about is hugging and wanting to cuddle. I want to be there for him that way. I guess I feel like whatever this guy wants, I'll do. I dont' want to say anything that can be turned but it's so hard to explain. My heart goes out to these people yet I want to protect myself. I think we came into each others lives for a reason. I sent in my application to volunteer for Hospice, a couple of weeks ago. My Mother asked me to do something like that while she was sick. that was 6 years ago and when I mailed in my app, my best friend asked if I was sure I was ready for that. I don't know if he's in my life as a test or what. Just very confusing. I'm in no way trying to get thru my ex. That's a definite. This isn't about me at all. I know I will become attached and if I do, there is no way I can handle the volunteer work with cancer patients.
Author devastated777 Posted December 28, 2013 Author Posted December 28, 2013 As far as honesty, absolutely. I have told him that I enjoy being me. He says that he wants someone to hug and cuddle. When I suggested breakfast today, his response was "in bed?" So my gut is telling me that he wants, you know. So, maybe I have worded this wrong because having been thru this years ago, for years, it is very emotional for me and I feel like they deserve to have whatever they want. That may be warped too. We see each other again Wednesday night. He goes back for chemo and stem cell implants and will be gone for 6 weeks. I am cooking, at his request, chicken and dumplings and banana pudding. Then we will watch a movie. Then, who knows but I know it wont be anything with bad or selfish intentions. I can promise you that.
Itspointless Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 (edited) Well it is the opposite people have said to you, beware of the fact that there is also a possibility that he takes advantage of you. Nobody deserves everything they want without questioning their motives, even cancer-patients. Ill people can be just as manipulative as healthy people, sometimes even more because they feel entitled to. Edited December 28, 2013 by Itspointless
anna121 Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 I agree with Itspointless. Contrary to some others in this thread, I think you may be vulnerable yourself. I think you should be a friend and treat the sex stuff very, very carefully. 1
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