Bambi Featz Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 Hi All, I have spent a lot of time on forums like this to help me understand my break up. It has been the most painful 4 months of my life and it is not any easier now either. I decided to write this post, so that I can give something back to the countless stories that I had read, and hope maybe some of you can learn from my mistakes. I know it is long and daunting, but it is the story of my life. I first met my girlfriend through a meeting at work. She had been working for the company for over an year, but it was only on this occasion that I had first laid eyes on her. I asked her to join me for a drink with the rest of my staff (yes she was working for me) and she agreed, even though she was the only girl in the company. We drifted from one bar to the other that night and towards the end of the night, it was only her and I. I wanted to kiss her on several occasions that night but chickened out. Thinking back now, it was probably because it was love at first site and I did not want to risk ruining it. I saw her off on the train and checked with her if it was alright for me to text her. We kept each other company until we both reached home. We continued texting one another,the messages at first being flirty slowly progressed to a bit of sexual fun. We both agreed to be friends with benefits. So then the fun began. We did all sorts of crazy things and met up regularly, at times I would pretend to be on site on work matters, when in fact I was only there to see her. I would make any excuse to see her and so would she. This continued for three months until my birthday in October, when still out with my friends and she had retreated back to the hotel room after a heavy night partying, that I realised that she was the one. I went straight back to the hotel and asked her the question "would you be my girlfriend". The answer was no because I had woken her grumpy self up. Of course she said yes afterwards. Now here comes my nemesis. What I have not told you was that I was a regular user of drugs. Mostly cocaine and Amphetamines. I did so because, it was fun to do so and also it helped me cope with the pressures of running a company. She knew from the very beginning and was alright with it but never did it herself. Little did I know at this point that it would eventually ruin my relationship. I had more money than sense. We spent a lot of time together. I would shower her with gifts and take her away to check into Spas, clubs, pubs, bars, parks, roller blading etc... The point being, we did what most couples would do in five years in that year we were together. At the most we probably had only one day apart. This exhausted her. Being dependant on drugs eventually makes you paranoid and I unintentionally channelled my anxiety on accusing her of cheating constantly. She would never do this to me and she is not that type of a girl. She was very much down to earth and I meant the world to her. She could not care less of the things that I bought for her or done for her. In her own words she said that I was more than life to her and she loved me dearly. Every time that I was having a bad come down. I would accuse her of cheating even though it was not remotely possible to so. I would always apologise afterwards and she understood. I at times made some very hurtful and horrible accusations. I myself did not at times understand how I could come to such a conclusion; it was the drugs. I eventually broke her. I am a very strong and confident personality. You have to be when you are managing a reasonably big company and meet a lot of people during the course of work. But to her I slowly started to mellow out. I am normally emotionally detached and keep my feelings to myself and deal with them. I started opening up to her and talked to her about my feelings for the first time. One night, we sat on her dad's garden steps late in the night and I told her everything that there was to know about me and her answer to that was "I think you already know the answer if you asked me to marry you". Once, I fell onto the ground when rollerbalding and as she jokingly helped to onto my feet and said "yes". As if implying, that I was on my knees to propose to her. I wanted to propose to her on many occasions but felt I had to wait until I can afford the ring she deserves. By August of this year, I was taking more of the drugs and my paranoid anxiety attacks became worse. I would ring her late in the night, waking her up and her family up. She eventually felt that she had enough and decided to call it in. She could not bring herself to break up with me in person or even say the words but retorted to just asking me to go away and ignored me. She tried on may occasions to make me give up the drugs. We would often break up and we came back to each other. This gave me a little kick as I was testing the love she had for me. Never ever test love! I had become needy, clingy, desperate and she said during the break up that she wanted a real man. All the things that were unattractive being a man. She found it so bad to let go despite all the horrible things that I had said and done to her. She said that she was not happy and love alone does not fix things. That we were not right for each other. She had a lot of issues in her childhood with the divorce of her parents, to the losing her grandad who she lived with whilst her parents were driving blows at one another and then losing her pet. She felt that all things she loved, always ended up leaving her which was why she loved me unconditionally. When she gets hurt, she recluses to herself pushing everyone away. This is a defence mechanism from her past. Once, during a previous break up, after I had begged on my knees for over two hours, she took me back and broke down like a five year old child. After the break up, I panicked and did everything to try salvage my relationship. I barraged her with texts, emails, facebook when finally she blocked me everywhere and changed her number. One night I text her 80 times with no reply. I was living life like a zombie. I would often get drugged up and drive to where ever and wonder around in the night dancing like a mad man not knowing how to deal with the situation or cope. I got out of town for a weekend to stay at a friends thinking that it would help me get over this and in a moment of my worst decision of my life, decided to blackmail her dad over his mistress, in order to be able to speak to him and ask him to take good care of her as she is really hurt and broken even though she puts on a brave face. She rung me late in the evening and asked to leave her family out of this. I continued to threatened to hurt her dad even though I did not mean it, so that I could get a reaction out of her and this was the first time I spoke to her in a month that she cut off all forms of communication with me. She rung me on her new number and had not put in onto private. Weather she wanted me to have her number because she did not want to let go or was a simple oversight, I will never know. Earlier on in the day she had gone to the police to file a report about the threats made against her dad. I do not blame her for it as I was a raging drugged up lunatic. On my drive back to London, I was stopped on the motorway by the police and taken into custody. After five hours in the cell, the police arrived from her borough and issued me with a Harassment Caution after my honest confession. They asked me to refrain contacting her or her dad. In the five hours I was in the cell, I broke down. My whole world collapsed. After this, I was doing more of the drugs. Quit my well paying job. Arrested once for looking for aliens in a field distant from London and sectioned for two days in a Mental Hospital. I talked myself out of it. Then, a week after, arrested at city airport, attempting to board a plane on drugs, in my superman bath robe and jogging bottoms only. They sectioned me once again. Only this time I felt it was time to change and give the doctors a chance to help me. I spent two weeks in hospital and came out feeling refreshed and off the drugs. I realised my mistakes and text her. Have been texting her like every two weeks. I miss her like crazy and want to punch the next person that says there are several more fish in the sea. True love only happens once in your life and I ****ed mine up. So here I am feeling hopeless. Still haven't had a reply from her. Even though she spoke to my brother and my boss while I was in hospital. I cannot express in words how sorry I am for what I did. All the horrible things haunt me everyday. I have text her to show her that I had changed but fear that it is a little too late. I have cleaned up my life, moved out of my flat, keeping busy with gym and secured a good job to start in the new year. She was not ever or not once horrible to me even during the break up. I will fight an army and run to china for this girl. I ask daily that all the supreme celestial powers that govern us, give me another chance with her. Not because I want to spend the rest of my life with her but to spend every day like it is my last. 4 months and counting.....
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