ladybug1984 Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 Without going into a lot of history, I currently have a lot of relationship issues that I am trying to sort through - all with the same person. One of the things I am trying to figure out in my mind I am honestly not sure where to post it on this forum. Because it is a LDR and we are limited in our contact by text, e-mail, etc., it seemed to make sense to put it here, though I guess someone in relationship where they see someone every day could also have something similar happen.........anyways, we had a R many, many years ago and reconnected after a long series of events..............and he is wanting me to make videos or pictures and send him and I am just not into that kind of thing...........which should be enough that I tell him that, but when I do, he gets mad and won't speak to me for days OR makes some sort of remark that lets me know he isn't happy about it and essentially just pouts and doesn't act like himself for days. YES, we are adults in our 30's........but it just sounds so juvenile. There are many, many other issues with this person which are more appropriate to another forum, so I won't get into all of that here. Just wanting thoughts on this particular behavior and why someone would do that???
D_Gost Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 I think if you don't feel comfortable with doing something so personal and which has the possibility of being distributed all over the internet (no matter how much a person promises it won't be).... then don't do it. Your self-esteem will descend at a rate of 1092729 mph. Please look after yourself. 1
lollipopspot Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 he is wanting me to make videos or pictures and send him and I am just not into that kind of thing...........which should be enough that I tell him that, but when I do, he gets mad and won't speak to me for days OR makes some sort of remark that lets me know he isn't happy about it and essentially just pouts and doesn't act like himself for days. Look at some articles where some females were in a relationship, they break up, and suddenly her pictures are all over the internet with her name and contact info. Her face doesn't necessarily even have to be in the picture to do the damage. Notice in the comment section how many people say things like, "Well, if you don't want your nude pictures all over the internet, don't take them!" Many people are completely unempathetic to the woman who has her pictures/video exposed, once the damage is done. A lot of guys love looking at the nude woman/porn star and encourage the behavior (things like Girls Gone Wild or sending naked pics to partners), but have no compassion for the woman once she has to deal with public scrutiny and embarrassment. 1
Author ladybug1984 Posted December 28, 2013 Author Posted December 28, 2013 I am NOT going to do it, for several reasons, including those mentioned! What I don't get is why he acts the way he does when I say 'no'. Why does he make me feel bad and basically shut me off for days when I say no?? That really hurts. There are some other major issues I have with him so this is not the only one, just trying to figure out WHY anyone would not just accept 'no' and tries to co-erce me (even though it is indirect coercion by ignoring me if I say no)??? Should this be a red flag indicating worse things?
D_Gost Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 Oh of course. He sounds very manipulative.... do you often feel pressured into doing things you don't want to do?
Author ladybug1984 Posted December 28, 2013 Author Posted December 28, 2013 Oh of course. He sounds very manipulative.... do you often feel pressured into doing things you don't want to do? D Gost, YES, I do............though nothing as dramatic as this. In fact, when I told him no to this latest request, his words were 'your loss, not mine'............which really l don't know how to take since it was via text. I want to believe it wasn't a 'well, I'm blowing you off then, your loss' response, but maybe more of a 'your loss, lol" kind of funny (he said he was going to send ME one back......). I am seriously seeing other red flags and this one might just be the icing on the cake. He gets mad if I want to spend any time with co-workers or friends and won't talk to me for days if I spend just a few hours with them. He also has stopped speaking to ALL of his family members and friends over the last five years and doesn't really go into WHY. When we were first together in our teens, he WAS abusive, but never has been since I've reconnected in our 30's. I truly am starting to see some things here, this last one just threw me for a loop.
justwhoiam Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 I currently have a lot of relationship issues that I am trying to sort through How many start being too many to you? he gets mad and won't speak to me for days OR makes some sort of remark that lets me know he isn't happy about it and essentially just pouts and doesn't act like himself for days. ... why someone would do that??? The question here is: why are you accepting all that? You are welcoming him when he's back. Why would you accept that?? Why does he make me feel bad and basically shut me off for days when I say no?? So that you maybe give in. He gets mad if I want to spend any time with co-workers Well, you should have a very good reason to spend time after work with your colleagues after you've been with them all day, while your boyfriend doesn't get so lucky... I also say so, because I have a 6 hour time difference, and that would mean I wouldn't get to talk to him. If it's once in a blue moon it's fine, but if it's daily or weekly, I wouldn't like it. He also has stopped speaking to ALL of his family members and friends over the last five years and doesn't really go into WHY. It looks like there's a lot you need to know about him and you don't know yet. When we were first together in our teens, he WAS abusive, but never has been since I've reconnected You mean he was physically abusive? Why would you go back to someone like that? Also, he's being emotionally abusive, and the fact that he's not being physically abusive now means nothing, because you are LD. Should you spend 24/7 in person with him, the worst could come out.
FitChick Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 Is he sending you naked pictures and videos of himself?
D_Gost Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 He gets mad if I want to spend any time with co-workers or friends and won't talk to me for days if I spend just a few hours with them. He also has stopped speaking to ALL of his family members and friends over the last five years and doesn't really go into WHY. Perhaps he worries that if you spend time with others you will realize how bizarre his lifestyle really is and start to question whether you want to maintain a connection with him. He is behaving like a petulant child, expecting you to bend to his every whim. Even if he has some kind of mental health problems that doesn't mean that you should enable him and jeopardize your own mental health for him. Bottom line: He's trying to distance you from people you care about by punishing you if you see them. Would you do that to him? If not, I'm going to guess the reason is because you don't want him to lead a miserable life with only you as his one focus.... it's not healthy!
Eggplant Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 Forget it! It's too permanent, too out of your control. No woman should do that. You put your reasonable trust in somebody you love, and then the damage is irreparable to your career and future love life and peace of mind, and half the people blame the victim (which is idiotic). If was so sure nothing bad would ever happen and you'd always be together anyway, he'd have married you already. He hasn't, so don't surrender that kind of control.
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