D_Gost Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 tl;dr: Boyfriend is controlling and chooses not to socialize, does he need professional support? In his favor he continually tells me he loves me and tries to show this by hugging me often and kissing me and..... having sex with me. --He hasn't worked for 6 years (lived with an ex for 5 years for free and claimed the situation worked for them both as she enjoyed his company and that he gave her $1000s over the years.... but nowhere near enough to cover his share of the rent). Claims that working won't 'help him'... by that, he means, give meaning to his life (he is eating into his savings). --He is excessively frugal and refuses to take me out on dates to restaurants as he 'doesn't get much out of food'. Asks me to walk to most places which to me seems inconsiderate because I pay for a weekly bus pass --Is obsessed with telling me stories about when he worked 5 years ago, how muscular he was (and gets angry if I am exasperated by his telling me all the same stories) --Has a restricted diet where he eats oats, peanut butter, couscous and frozen vegetables and mince meat (not all together!) daily. --Is highly anxious and withdrawn and can't be around much noise (needs to spend a lot of time on his own reading. He enjoys self-studying very much, can read for up to 12 hours a day.) --Refuses to allow me to see a male friend of mine (Told me not to ever visit his house as men and women visiting eachother's houses is questionable) --Often refused to meet my friends as he didn't feel like being sociable Asks moody questions about my 'in between' exes (I dated him before then broke up then dated him years later) and can't stand hearing their names or seeing monuments with the same name as the guy.... example questions: "I keep seeing the National Express coach. Is that the service you took to visit X place with him? How can you be so insensitive wearing a T-Shirt with X monument on it? it has the same name as him!" --Sometimes says he wasted 10 years stuck on me because he fell in love with someone who doesn't exist (we met over the internet). --Claims I have the crazies.... and that I need help (we've had arguments in the past, mainly due to the fact that he continued sleeping with his ex when we were trying to make a new start of it, and claimed he needed both of us and that I owed him). Constantly claims I need therapy because I have borderline personality disorder. I think it's a case of wanting to see the good in him and constantly feeling disappointed, keeping my mouth shut, then it all blowing up. I've stopped reacting like that as it's not helpful to anyone. More info: --A few days ago he just got out of the hospital for abdominal surgery and we needed to catch 2 buses to reach our home. Instead he told me he'd like to catch one bus and buy some food from a grocery store and walk back home.... I got mad and said no. --Then he said to me, "After all I've been through aren't you going to walk a little with me?". I snapped back, "I've done a lot for you" (I visited the hospital every day sometimes for 6 hours at a time, helping him put socks on, bathe, poop, walk back and forth etc). --Well anyway, it's a short walk really, but I knew it was primarily to save money on the bus fare (which brought up old resentment in me because I buy an unlimited pass and with him I still have to walk). Also in this case, because of his surgery I had to carry half of everything because he is in pain. All throughout it was raining heavily. --He said to me: "It feels so good to walk after being stuck in hospital" just prior to me being splashed with water by a car.
CarrieT Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 Can you give us ANY good reasons why you are with this person? It does not sound like a very fulfilling, loving relationship whatsoever. 2
tlegend Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 To be frank, it sounds like a 1 sided review of someone's flaws. 2
shinealight Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 Had to read twice to understand, he doesn't take you to restaurants, doesn't meet your'e friends/want to, doesn't eat the food he used to eat before anymore, cant be around noise, hasn't worked for six years, that does not sound controlling that sounds like someone who is unhappy and has been for a while - even if he says he has wasted 10 years. I would talk to him.
Teddius Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 Love is never unconditional. There are always personal boundaries and conditions in which we give our love to someone.
shinealight Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 True but try saying that to this lady i like i wish i could go to her house right now and go i love you but i cannot since she is with her so called night and shining armour
Phantom888 Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 Wait this is a troll post right? No woman in her right mind would be with such a loser neutered male. He either is really incredible in bed, or you hate yourself so much that you would fall for any male who breathes. I can't believe this situation is real. You are joking with us right?
Author D_Gost Posted December 27, 2013 Author Posted December 27, 2013 It's not a troll post.... I care for my boyfriend, but our relationship has been a very stressful one. He was my first love and perhaps that is what still keeps me with him (he claims that is what keeps him with me).
Eau Claire Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 Can you give us ANY good reasons why you are with this person? It does not sound like a very fulfilling, loving relationship whatsoever. True. My first thought when I read these types of postings is that the poster is the one with the issue. . Do they completely lack social skills, self awareness, integrity, etc? Do they gravitate towards abuse? 1
shinealight Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 So because it is your'e first relationship that is why he is still with you? Gathering your'e last comment. Reading your'e first post it does not sound like a loving relationship and sounds like your'e both not happy atall.
Author D_Gost Posted December 27, 2013 Author Posted December 27, 2013 My boyfriend is very well read and I like that I learn things from him... I like the fact that we have history too.
ThatMan Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 To be frank, it sounds like a 1 sided review of someone's flaws. I'd rather not offer criticism but I had the same impression. All this means is that some more information may help. First relationships are tough to leave because it's difficult to imagine moving on. But you do deserve to be happy with or without him. Are is controlling behaviors based around whether or not you'll visit the house of a male friend? Are there any threats? Have you considered talking with this friend but not visit his house as a reasonable compromise? What's important is that you do not isolate yourself. 1
tlegend Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 Love is never unconditional. There are always personal boundaries and conditions in which we give our love to someone. Loving someone requires no reciprocation. Loving someone doesn't require them to feel anything toward you. If you truly love someone, you do not need them to love you back. Truly great relationships form when you find someone you love who loves you back. After that, you are just measuring compatiblity. As for this thread, I'm going to leave this alone and let it develop. The fact that he doesn't even have a job, let alone refuses to find one is enough for me to tell you he's a loser. My 2 cents. 1
SincereOnlineGuy Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 Wait this is a troll post right? No woman in her right mind would be with such a loser neutered male. Neutered male??? From the very start, she wasn't sure whether he was male... my boyfriend [30 M/F]
Author D_Gost Posted December 28, 2013 Author Posted December 28, 2013 Sorry.......... M/F was a copy and paste typo. My boyfriend is male.
shinealight Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 Well wether he is male or female i think she should talk to him since reading the first post the relationship does not sound good.
Author D_Gost Posted December 28, 2013 Author Posted December 28, 2013 Well wether he is male or female i think she should talk to him since reading the first post the relationship does not sound good. I have talked to him often. If I comment on his lifestyle he claims I don't think he's good enough for me and so I am left unable to negotiate changes.
shinealight Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 That don't sound good to me. Me has never been a good one for advice but i would sit him down and ask him what are we doing here? Do you really love me and want to be with me for the rest of my life? And when you say that and he takes a while or looks odd answering then :/
FitChick Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 I have talked to him often. If I comment on his lifestyle he claims I don't think he's good enough for me and so I am left unable to negotiate changes. Why should he change? He gets everything his way. You have never had a boyfriend before so you don't know that IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THIS WAY. Dump him, find someone else and then you will find out what you are missing. 1
CarrieT Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 My boyfriend is very well read and I like that I learn things from him... I like the fact that we have history too. Okay, then in light of everything you wrote in your original post, what sort of future do you see with him? Frankly, there are a LOT of well-read people in the world and if all you want from a relationship is to learn, then why don't you stay in school for the rest of your life? I don't mean that facetiously -- I am one of those people who love to continue to learn and even after multiple degrees, I continue to take courses just to expand my knowledge base. But as relationship material, he sounds very dysfunctional and the entire situation appears unhealthy for all involved.
Author D_Gost Posted December 28, 2013 Author Posted December 28, 2013 I'd rather not offer criticism but I had the same impression. All this means is that some more information may help. First relationships are tough to leave because it's difficult to imagine moving on. But you do deserve to be happy with or without him. Are is controlling behaviors based around whether or not you'll visit the house of a male friend? Are there any threats? Have you considered talking with this friend but not visit his house as a reasonable compromise? What's important is that you do not isolate yourself. His ex-girlfriend of 5 years had cyber-sex with her ex-boyfriend for 2 years during their relationship when he thought they were happy together. She would talk about their sex life too to this man (e.g. "we are going to try this sexual position tonight"). My boyfriend has a dim view of friendships between men and women... I don't carry his pessimism.
beach Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 If I tell you he's controlling does that mean you'll end it with him? A MAN should work!
shinealight Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 A relationship should work both ways not one does all the work. And as this person said if he is controlling then dump him!
deathandtaxes Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 OP - reread your own post. What advice would you give this person? 1
Author D_Gost Posted January 5, 2014 Author Posted January 5, 2014 I just found out today he has been getting his mother to relay information to his ex about his condition in hospital. I have looked after him every single day carrying his poop to the nurses, ringing up doctors when he went home and got ill.... I have been his unpaid personal nurse.... and he is relaying information to his ex ("she's my friend"........... yes, the 'friend' you kept sleeping with when you were trying to get back with me). I am utterly ashamed that I gave him any of my time and because he is in hospital I can't justifiably get mad. I left the hospital crying at his betrayal.
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