ColdEggNog Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 Background: I'm 24 and in a graduate program about 500 miles from my home city. I get a short break around Thanksgiving and about a week and a half for Christmas/New Years and I come home for both. The rest of my program is year round. Sorry if this is too long, but I have to rant. I love my mom... but she has some traits that are really frustrating to me. She lacks a moral compass (the grocery store forgot to ring up her ham for $50 the other day, and she just walked out and called it a "gift."), acts bipolar by nature (one moment she's really supporting and loving, the next she's absolutely psychotic), and is all about money (my little sister, 8, made us really nice bracelets for Christmas. My mom got mad at her and said she'd have valued it a lot more if she had just bought something from the store?) There is other drama on my dad's side of the family, and the last couple times we visited then she spent most of the time gossiping about everybody and instigating more trouble. She constantly berades my other little sister (15) for her grades (my sister tries but isn't super smart, but my mom makes backhanded comments all the time about how she isn't going to amount to anything) and it wasn't uncommon that my mom would come home and scream at her for really small things like accidently forgetting to turn off a light or forgetting to throw away a water bottle. Before I left for college/graduate school, I was the one taking the brunt of the yelling. My sister went through a period a couple years back where she was pulling her hair over the issues with our mom and had to go to a therapist for some time. My dad has acknowledged over the years that he doesn't like her attitude, but if he ever confronts her directly it isn't pretty and she spins the story in a way to make it seem like she's in the right. I've been working on being more assertive recently, so I've been calling her more on her BS now than ever and it usually ends with her telling me that I've "changed" or her getting really moody and telling me to mind my own business. I should feel more guilty, but I don't. She's my mom so I love her, but there are so many things she does that just aren't conducive to my mental health. I started seeing a therapist about a year ago for trust issues/depression I was having (my family doesn't know about this) and it emerged that my mom may be at the root of a lot of my problems. Anyway, I don't have to start classes again until the second week of January, but a few of my friends were thinking of going to NYC for New Years Eve this year and invited me along, which should be really fun. Transportation would be no issue. I've spent the last four New Year Eves hanging out with my family at home, and two of those have ended in tears for at least one of my sisters. I told my mom earlier today that I was thinking of going to NYC for New Years this year and she flipped out. Told me that we have to always do New Years together and that she doesn't want me to go. I reminded her that half of the time, we end up fighting anyway and I don't like that. She, of course, didn't like this argument and is now giving me the cold shoulder. She also was mad that I "can only seem to remember the bad times here but never the good." This is true when I really think about it, but I feel like the bad times here are so bad that they completely drown out the good. I'm going to talk to my dad about this whenever he gets back from work, but I'm sure he's going to try guilt tripping me into staying for the sake of my mom's feelings. Is it so wrong for me to want to a change in pace for just one New Years? I honestly do miss my family when I'm gone, but my mom's erratic behavior drives me away and makes me want to go home less frequently. I just hate leaving home and thinking "now I remember why I wanted to get away from there." I would normally cut a person like this out of my life, but she's my mother so that's not an option, and she will not listen if I talk to her. What other options do I have with dealing with this?
turnera Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 You don't owe her anything any more. Best to start disengaging with her. And go on the trip. You deserve it. Your sisters, on the other hand, could really use some help. Are you writing to them every week? Calling them? Skyping? They really really need a good role model in their lives - I hope you can be that for them.
Author ColdEggNog Posted December 31, 2013 Author Posted December 31, 2013 I could probably reach out to the older of the sisters more often since she has a phone, but other than that, privacy isn't great at home and my mom definitely intrudes on mail and calls. I want to be in touch more with the younger one, but I can't do that while disengaging with my mother. Update: The NYC plans were looking like they were going to fall through anyway, so I'm going to stick around (not because of her, but by my choice- I could just as easily have still gone elsewhere in the city). It does still bother me that she can't see me as an adult and I have to walk on eggshells to avoid hurting her feelings, even though she seemed to disregard mine back when I was in high school and through college. Most likely I'm going to try organizing some big NYE trip for next year with some of my friends far in advance so that I don't run into this problem again. There's already been a lot of arguing among everyone in my family today which doesn't seem to bode well for tonight.
turnera Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 Here's the big secret all people must eventually learn: Your parents likely won't hand you your adulthood and independence. It's up to you to TAKE it by starting to act in adult and independent ways. You wouldn't believe how many threads I've read where the 20-something says 'my folks still treat me like a teenager.' Well, that's what they know. You're still their kid. They won't start looking at you like an adult, a peer, until you start BEING one.
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