Somebody ... Nowhere else to turn

[miami16]

I've been looking through these forums for months now. But I've realized that nobody will truly be able to help me out unless I elaborate on my situation. It is pretty unique.

 

My girlfriend of seven years and I broke up over this past summer. Before dating, we had been childhood friends - "best friends" you can say. Knew everything about eachother. I was always the one she came to first and vice versa. We dated throughout high school. College came around and things got a bit rocky, but we stayed strong and kept the relationship going. Eventually, though, we began having constant fights over what seemed to be trivial matters. This frustrated me and eventually I decided that I needed some time alone to decide if this relationship was truly right for me and for her. Months went by, and although we were "broken up", we still talked and hung out constantly. I couldn't help it. I love the girl and neither of us could really let go... Or so I though.

 

After about 2.5 months of this, she informs me that her friend had set her up with somebody else. And within a week of this, she was "officially dating" him. I was crushed by this and sad to say, was constantly calling and texting her begging for her back. After about a month of this, I decided that I was making a fool of myself and cut contact. We didn't speak for 2 months after this.

 

By chance, she bagan working at the same store as one of my good friends. The two talked, and I came up in conversation. He suggested that we talk about things and at least "try to be friends". So she texted me, and we began talking. Texting led to phones calls and phone calls lead to hanging out, which led to her cheating on her new boyfriend. At this point, she began telling me that she was "so confused" and didn't know what she wanted. I told her not to make any rash decisions and to really think about it.

 

Time went by and we kept in heavy contact. But suddenly, she decided that she made "bad judgement" and wanted to recommit herself to her current boyfriend. This did upset me and really did confuse me. Sadly, this kind of brought back my needy ways and I began constantly trying to get her attention... Once again, I got fed up with it and now we are once again at very, very low contact.

 

During our period of talking and seeing eachother, she would often say that she was afraid it would never work because her parents and friends have "seen me hurt her" and don't really want to see us together. I will admit, I am not perfect and I did make mistakes. But I don't think that I should be condemned for this. Everybody makes mistakes. Also, she seemed to dwell on the fact that "I didn't want her" when we broke up... Which is not the truth. All I wanted was space, and time to think. Also, during the time we were talking, she would always tell me about what she's been doing with her new boyfriend, how he takes her to look at engagement rings and how she plans on moving in with him after graduation (we all graduate this May). All of this with somebody you just met 5 months ago... It seems insane to me. And hearing about it surely didn't help me out much at all.

 

This is a kind of watered down version. I will answer any questions that you have for me.

 

I truly do love this girl and it kills me to see this happening. Anyway, I'm not sure what to do or where to turn at this point. I'm really hoping that you guys can help me. Thanks.

[xUnknown]

Well...she cheated. I know my ex and if she had the guilt would get the best of her and she would come clean (she never did - just saying). Do you think your ex is this way? Do you think she'll come clean to her current BF about what had happened?

 

If there is still love there on both ends (and it sounds like there is), I think she'll be back. Don't hold onto hope, but you can't really get rid of that love.

 

Have you made it known to her that you never WANTED to break up with her?

 

She knows you love her, give her some more time to miss you. It sounds like her new bf is a rebound and she still cares about you. She'll come around, eventually...just don't wait and pass up on potential. Lay some pipe while youre single. Enjoy being around your buddies.

[miami16]

She knows that i just wanted some time.

 

I doubt she'll tell him. She wanted to and I told her not to. I wanted to avoid having her look bad.

 

Also forgot to mention that she told her boyfriend that we'd been hanging out and he told her he wasn't okay with it. So she told me we can just be just acquaintances. Kinda messed up after all we've been through and with her knowing how I feel about her.

 

And thanks for the input man. I really need it.

[ToEachTheirOwn]

Hey man. Sorry to hear what you're going through. It sucks, it really does. So I'm guessing that was your first real girlfriend?

[miami16]

Hey man. Sorry to hear what you're going through. It sucks, it really does. So I'm guessing that was your first real girlfriend?

 

Yeah. Friends since we were kids. Started dating in high school.

[ToEachTheirOwn]

Nice. Kind of going through the same thing as you, though mine was only two years. My first piece of advice would be to stop talking to her. Don't be a dick about it, but just tell her that it's hurting you too much to keep talking, at least for now. You've told her how you felt and the ball is in her court. All that begging and stuff (I did it too. You probably feel like you've dragged yourself through the mud to try and get her back.) made it a lot easier on her. It's hard to miss what's constantly being thrown at your feet. And if she's on your FB or Twitter, set the settings so you don't see her stuff.

 

Right now, you've got to look at it as if she's never coming back. If she does, great. But if she doesn't, you've got to be in a position to move on. Not just waiting for "one day" to come. Buddy a few posts up is right. Go to the bar, strip club, whatever. The more you start talking to girls, the more you'll be doing better.

 

I've been broken up about the same amount of time as you. Yours was obviously a lot longer so maybe I'm moving on quicker. You'll have great days, you'll have days where you feel like ****, probably for a little while yet. Regardless of how you're feeling, she's out there with another guy. So you've gotta do your best to move forward and just accept what the future brings. You'll always love her, hell I know I'll always love mine. But you can't just sit there and mope about it, hoping she comes back.

[miami16]

Glad to hear that somebody knows how I feel. You pretty much hit the nail on the head. Some days are great but others feel like I won't get through.

 

Thing that's really bugging me is it seems like she couldn't care less. That's killing me.

 

Regardless, thanks for all the input. You guys are awesome. Other points of view definitely help.

[ToEachTheirOwn]

You "broke up" with her first. I did the same thing. Broke up with her (for a dumb reason, in hindsight) then we got back together. When I broke up with her, it was heated and not thought through. Then we got back together and she went off to school. (Long distance relationship, about a 7 hour drive) I called her as I did every day, about 3 weeks after she'd been gone, and she broke up with me over the phone. No emotions, no tears on her end, obviously very thought through. 2 year relationship, done with the snap of a finger. Hasn't reached out to contact me once. Went from the most caring girl I've ever met to a total ice queen. I still don't really understand why, I'm thinking it must just be a defense mechanism that some people have... just kind of pretend it never happened I guess. My point is I totally feel you on that one buddy. You're seeing a side of her that you probably haven't seen before, because maybe it wasn't there until you & me created it in our respective exes. It's a harsh reality.

[miami16]

Glad I've found somebody in the same boat as me... Or at least a similar one. The thought of her moving away with this guy and getting married scares me to death. She's always pushed for early marriage and I can see her doing it just so that she can say she's married. Sucks to think about.

 

But seriously... Can't thank you guys enough for sharing your stories and advice. It helps me more than you know.

[miami16]

Update:

Of course the same day that I post this, I run into her out at the mall. We simply waved and exchanged smiles and a "hello". About 15 minutes later I get a text that says "Hey, where are you?"... I tell her I'm out to eat and she replies "Ok.". Why? I don't really understand this one.

[Poppyolive]

Why did you take 2.5 months to decide? its almost like when she moved on thats when you made effort to get her back. What did you do in the meantime to work on you and figure your stuff out? What were the things you did to hurt her, that her family saw??? And why do you feel she get over it? People do move on quickly, if they know what they want and don't want....I have a dear friend that dated her man for 6 years, he dumped her, within 2-3 months she started seeing someone else, one year later...on Christmas day they got engaged....he as planning it for months.....and they are both super happy.

 

WHen she was in contact with you again, spending time with you, did you make a consorted effort to ask her back, had figured out what you wanted???? It sounds like you are confuses and need to work yourself out, she is confused, because she probably doesn't know where you stand, because you only made effort when she was set up with a new boy, it looks like she's trying to move on, so you either get out of her life...no contact, let her go or figure your stuff out, take time and when ready (no because you see her with someone else, fear, loneliness it has to be your desire to get her back has to be the real deal) commit to asking her back and making your relationship work, talking through past old hurts...because they matter, even if they don't to you, they matter to her and her family....or when you figure your wants out and its not her...let her go and take care of yourself...No need to make this any more complicated than it already is

[strive]

Cheating for me is a dealbreaker so it's hard for me to understand why people want cheaters back in their lives. But that's just me.

 

My question is: If she cheated on him with you, who's to say she wouldn't cheat on you with him if you guys got back together?

[miami16]

Why did you take 2.5 months to decide? its almost like when she moved on thats when you made effort to get her back. What did you do in the meantime to work on you and figure your stuff out? What were the things you did to hurt her, that her family saw??? And why do you feel she get over it? People do move on quickly, if they know what they want and don't want....I have a dear friend that dated her man for 6 years, he dumped her, within 2-3 months she started seeing someone else, one year later...on Christmas day they got engaged....he as planning it for months.....and they are both super happy.

 

WHen she was in contact with you again, spending time with you, did you make a consorted effort to ask her back, had figured out what you wanted???? It sounds like you are confuses and need to work yourself out, she is confused, because she probably doesn't know where you stand, because you only made effort when she was set up with a new boy, it looks like she's trying to move on, so you either get out of her life...no contact, let her go or figure your stuff out, take time and when ready (no because you see her with someone else, fear, loneliness it has to be your desire to get her back has to be the real deal) commit to asking her back and making your relationship work, talking through past old hurts...because they matter, even if they don't to you, they matter to her and her family....or when you figure your wants out and its not her...let her go and take care of yourself...No need to make this any more complicated than it already is

 

 

 

I did make it known to her how much I loved her and really did want to be together. Poured my heart out on several different occasions to no avail, leaving me feeling pretty stupid to be honest.

 

 

As for our problems, or what I did, that's hard to answer. I mean, I was definitely far from perfect. We had our little issues, but nothing more. Nothing really major. That has been a blurry area for me. I asked her time and time again what I did, and she just keeps saying "oh, you messed up". She cannot specifically tell me what I did wrong.

 

 

I appreciate you calling it like you see it, by the way. Honesty helps, even if it's brutal.

[miami16]

Cheating for me is a dealbreaker so it's hard for me to understand why people want cheaters back in their lives. But that's just me.

 

My question is: If she cheated on him with you, who's to say she wouldn't cheat on you with him if you guys got back together?

 

 

 

Trust me. I have thought about this one long and hard as well. I even asked her during our time of constant contact and she said, "It's different with you. I would never do that to you." Now whether this is true or not, I don't honestly know.

 

 

But to tell you the truth, I love her so much that I'd be willing to take that risk. Pathetic sounding, I know...

[bubbaganoosh]

Consider this. What is more important to you. Being life long friends and running the risk of losing that or a relationship with her.

 

I know your answer is "both" but if she decides to move on your going to have to deal with it but still be friends.

 

If you decide to get back together with her and down the road you guys marry and it fall apart, let's face it, how many divorces do you know of where the husband and wife are friends compared to the ones that want to kill each other. Be a shame to lose such a good friend.

 

Think about it ok?

[miami16]

Consider this. What is more important to you. Being life long friends and running the risk of losing that or a relationship with her.

 

I know your answer is "both" but if she decides to move on your going to have to deal with it but still be friends.

 

If you decide to get back together with her and down the road you guys marry and it fall apart, let's face it, how many divorces do you know of where the husband and wife are friends compared to the ones that want to kill each other. Be a shame to lose such a good friend.

 

Think about it ok?

 

 

 

During that period, I really tried as hard as I could to be just a friend. But there are too many feelings and too much attraction there that it makes it impossible for us.

 

 

The thought of losing my best friend kills me. Day and night... But I really don't see her and I ever being just friends.

[miami16]

Bump. Really really hoping for some more input.

[BC1980]

This is a tough one, and I can tell you are hurting. In general, I don't think you can be friends with an ex without someone getting the short end of the stick. I think it would just torture you to be friends with her. I also felt like I was losing my best friend, but it just doesn't work out being friends. I would have moments where I talked myself into it being possible, but it's just too painful. So I don't recommend being friends. . . . at least right now. Not while you still have feelings.

 

I can't recommend that you tell her how you feel because I'm sure she knows. You would likely be setting yourself up for more rejection, and you have to cut it off at some point.

 

This situation sucks and is sad, but you need to go NC. That's the only way that I can see, but I know it will be very difficult.

[miami16]

Yes. I've come to the conclusion that a real friendship just won't be possible for us. As I've mentioned earlier, it just kills me that it seems as if she doesn't care because it's honestly killing me 24/7.

 

She did text me the other day after running into me. But it was very pointless and has just lead to confusion.

[AlphaC]

I did make it known to her how much I loved her and really did want to be together. Poured my heart out on several different occasions to no avail, leaving me feeling pretty stupid to be honest.

 

 

As for our problems, or what I did, that's hard to answer. I mean, I was definitely far from perfect. We had our little issues, but nothing more. Nothing really major. That has been a blurry area for me. I asked her time and time again what I did, and she just keeps saying "oh, you messed up". She cannot specifically tell me what I did wrong.

 

 

I appreciate you calling it like you see it, by the way. Honesty helps, even if it's brutal.

 

I agree with Poppyolive, now that this girl has moved on you are no longer "confused" and all of the sudden "know what you want." Man up, admit your mistakes, if this was your first GF you probably had gigs. Don't come here trying to deceive us, be honest with us, and more importantly, with yourself. My ex did the same garbage to me, told me she was "confused" and you know what I did, I went ghost. I disappeared from her life. I don't care what she is doing, who she's with. That is none of my concern anymore.

 

Your ex is with someone else. If she wanted to be with you she would dump him. Actually what's even more important is to this, if she didn't want to be with him she would dump him. So 1) she doesn't want to be with you and 2) she wants to be with him. There is no confusion there. You hurt her, her family is aware of this, and now she is dating someone new, leave her alone!!

 

Above you state you were "far from perfect" and can't really divulge what it was that you did wrong - BS!!. I will give you some advice brother, why don't you let this girl be and work on yourself?? You are the confused one, not her. Give yourself some time, date other girls, you might realize that this childhood friend of yours was meant to be your friend, not your life partner. The only way you will acknowledge this is if you go out and date other women, ONLY AFTER YOU'VE HEALED FROM THIS RELATIONSHIP.

 

Poppyolive is right, you are pining for her now because she has moved on and you haven't. Good luck my man!

[BC1980]

Yes. I've come to the conclusion that a real friendship just won't be possible for us. As I've mentioned earlier, it just kills me that it seems as if she doesn't care because it's honestly killing me 24/7.

 

She did text me the other day after running into me. But it was very pointless and has just lead to confusion.

 

It sounds nice in theory, but friendship won't work. I also agonized over losing all contact with my ex. Both choices suck, but NC is they lesser of two evils in the long run.

[miami16]

That is quite possibly all true.

 

However, it confuses me that when she was saying she wanted to break up with her boyfriend she was also tell me that she was much happier with me and she didn't like him as much as she thought she did. Also she has said on several occasions that she got in the relationship strictly to get my attention/to rebound. But now things are back to where they began.

 

It's quite confusing to be honest. As many of you have said, going "ghost" would probably be my best option right now.

[dreamingoftigers]

That is quite possibly all true.

 

However, it confuses me that when she was saying she wanted to break up with her boyfriend she was also tell me that she was much happier with me and she didn't like him as much as she thought she did. Also she has said on several occasions that she got in the relationship strictly to get my attention/to rebound. But now things are back to where they began.

 

It's quite confusing to be honest. As many of you have said, going "ghost" would probably be my best option right now.

 

What she said is straight out of the Cheaters Handbook.

Watch what she does. That's where she wants to be.

 

And really COME ON GUYS! BREAKING UP IS NOT A "RELATIONSHIP TOOL."

 

Breaking up for young women is generally a dead last resort saying "I DO NOT WANT YOU."

You can pour your heart out with your "confusion" all of the livelong day. But someone actually committed to a relationship will let their partner they need a little space and evaluate things like an adult without actually dumping their partner.

 

You outright rejected and crushed her, but for some reason you deserve better treatment than her? You deserve to have her dump the boyfriend that's been there for her because now you are no longer "confused?"

 

Let me clear up a little more confusion for you: you are totally disrespecting her.

Regardless of the fact that she has cheated with you (which is super-poor boundaries on your part) she has CHOSEN her relationship. You don't want to respect that choice. You want her to be all about you and what you want. Regardless of the fact that you don't truly support her. You don't bend, you abandon her. And now that she's moved on, she's supposed to fix the fact that your hurting over it.

 

So in short: doesn't matter if she's hurting, you were "confused."

The second your are hurting, she's supposed to drop everything that got her through MONTHS of the hurt you caused and be best buds/dating again.

Get real.

 

Clean yourself up. Read about Dating Boundaries to avoid "confusion" in the future and learn from this one.

[miami16]

What do you mean by "cheater's handbook"? And whatch what she does? Just want some clarification on that.

 

Also, I should have been more clear. We didn't exactly break up. We "took a break". She also agreed with doing this at the time. But like I said, it was my idea. However, we were still with eachother all of the time. Probably stupid on my part, as well as hers. I thought taking a break would prevent our constant little nagging fights but now I realize that we never really took a break at all. Hence, that issue not ever being fixed.

 

And I understand that I should "respect" he decision to be with somebody else, but it is hard to do for me. I do love her and I do want to be with her, regardless of if I am right or wrong in wanting this. It's just something that I cannot help.

[dreamingoftigers]

What do you mean by "cheater's handbook"? And whatch what she does? Just want some clarification on that.

 

Also, I should have been more clear. We didn't exactly break up. We "took a break". She also agreed with doing this at the time. But like I said, it was my idea. However, we were still with eachother all of the time. Probably stupid on my part, as well as hers. I thought taking a break would prevent our constant little nagging fights but now I realize that we never really took a break at all. Hence, that issue not ever being fixed.

 

And I understand that I should "respect" he decision to be with somebody else, but it is hard to do for me. I do love her and I do want to be with her, regardless of if I am right or wrong in wanting this. It's just something that I cannot help.

 

There's certain lines cheaters use again and again to justify or excuse their behaviour. We tend to call that "the cheaters handbook" also they tend to manipulate people (consciously or unconsciously) using the same said lines.

 

"Watch was she does, not what she says."

As in, she SAYS she's happier with you but hasn't made any appropriate steps to be with you, ergo, her actions and words don't line up. Also known as "stringing you along." You may recognize this behaviour from when you "took a break" but were surprised when she got another boyfriend. She was supposed to wait for your "confusion to end" and your "break to be over."

 

And yes, it's all hard. It gets harder when we think we can backburner a relationship and not prepare for the potential consequences thàt come with it.

 

I'm sorry your hurting but perhaps examining your own conduct and what you have to offer longterm relationship first instead of focusing on your own experience as a result of it would be helpful for future endeavours.

 

In short: you can't expect people to treat you better or consider you more than you consider abd treat them.