Author Cocochai Posted December 31, 2013 Author Posted December 31, 2013 Thank you, I'm trying to! I know that I definitely will NOT get back in an A, but I worry about how long it'll take for me to be over him. I never said "never talk to me" to him either. It has just been a natural progression. We tried to stay friendly at work (we used to talk all day long, about anything and everything), but I couldn't talk to him as if everything was ok and that we were buddies, and I told him that. I didn't want to live in two worlds, and wanted to be 100% focused on my M, through the good and bad times. It's just what's best, but it hurts. But the pain does get better. The first time I went NC with him a year ago hurt several times worse than this. With each subsequent time after that, it has been much better, since the fog was cleared from that first time. Psm04 just checking to see how things are going for you... Since you've been back to work. 1
psm04 Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 Psm04 just checking to see how things are going for you... Since you've been back to work. Hi Cocochai, thank you for checking on me. I just sent you a PM 1
Author Cocochai Posted December 31, 2013 Author Posted December 31, 2013 Hi Cocochai, thank you for checking on me. I just sent you a PM I checked but I don't see any. Do I need to do anything like activate it first?
psm04 Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 I checked but I don't see any. Do I need to do anything like activate it first? You shouldn't have to. Maybe mine didn't go through or something I'll probably be posting something soon. Not in a good place right now
Author Cocochai Posted December 31, 2013 Author Posted December 31, 2013 You shouldn't have to. Maybe mine didn't go through or something I'll probably be posting something soon. Not in a good place right now I wrote you back on what my thoughts were, I just think it takes awhile for it to go through.
phloxxandsoxx Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 Well this has been going on for over 2 years and I finally had my breaking point. I got tired of the disrespect towards my feelings and his true colors came out and I'm finally seeing them. Although they've been several before. Over the Christmas break he only texted me a "Merry Christmas". I saw him that last Fri and never once did he consider doing the minimum of a card at least. I told him that he's the only person I was being intimate w/ yet he's the only person that treats me like crap in the end. I never asked him for much except to consider my feelings. He shot back saying he understood that I felt that way and it's not on purpose but he's lousy at cheating on his wife and at times he doesn't know what to do blah blah blah... I told him maybe he should just do right by his wife and stop being selfish on his part before someone's feelings get hurt in the end. He made his choice and told me he'll do right by his wife because he doesn't want to lose his family. I told him I respect that but to also respect to never contact me again. I feel good and I've never told him to never contact me once we've broken off or tried to do the NC. Oh my God. This is exactly me. I broke it off with the MM last night and he's been bombarding me with whiny sobbing texts ever since. Same reason: blowing me off, treating me like a non priority (while of course we the OW are to treat them like number 1 priority at all times, phone glued to hip, phone never off, check and answer his emails every day etc lol). I've tried to break up with him five times and every single time he would worm his way back in, usually either money, or by implying he might have a nervous breakdown and commit suicide. This time I've had enough of it. Dumped his azz and am never coming back. It's been endless text novels ever since. The last text, about 10 minutes ago, was him using a cute pet word neither one of us has used since like the first four days of the relationship. Guilt hook. It's over. He thinks I'll be broke as a handle now that he and his petty cash gifts are gone but I've got news for him. I believe in the Law of Attraction and I attracted him and his money -- I will attract a lot more and from healthier sources now that he is out of my life, and out of my way. Hang in there, girl. Here is a hug. 1
Author Cocochai Posted December 31, 2013 Author Posted December 31, 2013 Oh my God. This is exactly me. I broke it off with the MM last night and he's been bombarding me with whiny sobbing texts ever since. Same reason: blowing me off, treating me like a non priority (while of course we the OW are to treat them like number 1 priority at all times, phone glued to hip, phone never off, check and answer his emails every day etc lol). I've tried to break up with him five times and every single time he would worm his way back in, usually either money, or by implying he might have a nervous breakdown and commit suicide. This time I've had enough of it. Dumped his azz and am never coming back. It's been endless text novels ever since. The last text, about 10 minutes ago, was him using a cute pet word neither one of us has used since like the first four days of the relationship. Guilt hook. It's over. He thinks I'll be broke as a handle now that he and his petty cash gifts are gone but I've got news for him. I believe in the Law of Attraction and I attracted him and his money -- I will attract a lot more and from healthier sources now that he is out of my life, and out of my way. Hang in there, girl. Here is a hug. (((HUGS)))) Wow that's a never ending cycle right there! Does your XMM ever think you may get pissed and tell their BS since he is now talking crazy in a way and won't leave you alone? I know the pattern with mines... He'll wait until he thinks I've forgotten what I was mad at him before and try to weasel in with words he feels I'll fall for. Not having it this time which is why I told him to "Never contact" again. Knowing him... He won't respect it but I'm standing my grounds this time.
Snipercatt Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 does anyone have any insight on why they don't respect yiur wishes to be left alone? Especially when and in my case they know and even said "I'm bad for you". You have answered this, yourself, already, but I'll give it one more shot. 1.) Because he can. 2.) Because you let him. 3.) Because habits are hard to break.
Author Cocochai Posted December 31, 2013 Author Posted December 31, 2013 You have answered this, yourself, already, but I'll give it one more shot. 1.) Because he can. 2.) Because you let him. 3.) Because habits are hard to break. Very true! But I'm also not the one with the so called family to lose if he's caught.
Snipercatt Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 But I'm also not the one with the so called family to lose if he's caught. Perhaps that's true, but don't read into it as him risking everything, blah, blah, blah. He doesn't think he'll get caught. When someone tells you who they are, believe them. He has said he isn't a good affair candidate. He's right. Believe him.
Snipercatt Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 Cocohai, if you must analyze, then look at how he coaches things. He doesn't frame them from the affair perspective, but from his marriage's perspective. He said he is lousy at cheating on his wife. That by itself means he makes a lousy affair partner. Notice that he didn't frame it from that perspective, though, just from the aspect of his marriage. The affair isn't a priority with him. 1
Author Cocochai Posted December 31, 2013 Author Posted December 31, 2013 Perhaps that's true, but don't read into it as him risking everything, blah, blah, blah. He doesn't think he'll get caught. When someone tells you who they are, believe them. He has said he isn't a good affair candidate. He's right. Believe him. He's been doing this before he even got M to his BS... I say he's doing a pretty good job at trying to do everything he can to not get caught although we almost had a dday. But if your referring to him being a good A candidate to someone he's been talking to for over 2 years (the longest AP he's ever had he confessed)... Then I said yes your right. This is my first, and my last.
Author Cocochai Posted December 31, 2013 Author Posted December 31, 2013 Cocohai, if you must analyze, then look at how he coaches things. He doesn't frame them from the affair perspective, but from his marriage's perspective. He said he is lousy at cheating on his wife. That by itself means he makes a lousy affair partner. Notice that he didn't frame it from that perspective, though, just from the aspect of his marriage. The affair isn't a priority with him. I didn't read this before my initial response back... And your right. Which is why I told him to just do right by his wife, stop being selfish on his part and never contact me again.
Snipercatt Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 Cocochai, I'm going to venture that you aren't ready to end this. I say that because you make comments about what he should do - like do right by his wife, and you respond to posts with comments how long he's been doing this - before the M, or talking 2 years with you, when what you should be examining is your behavior and you permitting yourself to be treated this way. Here's the deal: If you respect yourself and quit permitting yourself to be treated in such fashion the affair is over. It.is.over. It doesn't mean that he will begin treating you consistently better. It doesn't and he won't, so all that is left is for it to be over. You decide for yourself how it is.
Author Cocochai Posted December 31, 2013 Author Posted December 31, 2013 (edited) Cocochai, I'm going to venture that you aren't ready to end this. I say that because you make comments about what he should do - like do right by his wife, and you respond to posts with comments how long he's been doing this - before the M, or talking 2 years with you, when what you should be examining is your behavior and you permitting yourself to be treated this way. Here's the deal: If you respect yourself and quit permitting yourself to be treated in such fashion the affair is over. It.is.over. It doesn't mean that he will begin treating you consistently better. It doesn't and he won't, so all that is left is for it to be over. You decide for yourself how it is. Everything I commented on was before I saw your last post and your right. I guess trying to hold on to a person who will never like you said, consider my feelings and to at least do the minimum, all makes scene now. Telling him to do right by his wife was just my way of saying... "Hey if your such a lousy cheater, then why not just do the right thing and treat her right"... All the analyzing was coming from a hurt place being that I communicate with this person daily, we had so much in common, and I must admit I loved him. Remember, I am a female who was attached to this guy for over two years... Saying to just let it go is easier said then done. Just consider that for a minute... I was just trying to see how I would handle if he decided to reach out again. Now I know how to handle this instead of allowing him to weasel back in because like you stated before... I allow him to keep coming back because I thought it would be different. Edited December 31, 2013 by Cocochai
Snipercatt Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 Now I know how to handle this instead of allowing him to weasel back in because like you stated before... I allow him to keep coming back because I thought it would be different. There's your key. You come across as a "thinker" and because of that I will rephrase what you stated: I allow him to keep coming back because I HOPED it would be different. I think your mind is quite keen and that you didn't really THINK it would be different, I think it is your HOPE, even in the face of disproving facts, that permitted you to allow him to return. The letting go of hope is even harder than the letting go of what you KNOW isn't true. That's what you are struggling with. Hope.
Author Cocochai Posted December 31, 2013 Author Posted December 31, 2013 There's your key. You come across as a "thinker" and because of that I will rephrase what you stated: I allow him to keep coming back because I HOPED it would be different. I think your mind is quite keen and that you didn't really THINK it would be different, I think it is your HOPE, even in the face of disproving facts, that permitted you to allow him to return. The letting go of hope is even harder than the letting go of what you KNOW isn't true. That's what you are struggling with. Hope. I'm not trying to make excuses here... Despite using the "wrong" words I know what I'm dealing with. To simply let go and move on.... Are you a Man or a Woman? just curious.... Just know that I am dealing with this the best way I can to heal and move on. But I appreciate your insight on this (that's why I post on here), because you have helped me see things much better! I truly appreciate that!!
Author Cocochai Posted January 4, 2014 Author Posted January 4, 2014 I really need to take my own advise and stop lurking on FB.. I told myself I wouldn't go on as much this year and... It lead me to my XMM's page. He changed his profile and put his whole family dressed in his football's team jersey. I took that as a sign. I've been doing pretty good once I let reality settle in on what this A truly was. Less crying and feeling some what sorry for myself... Now I'm stronger then ever took this as a learning experience. He doesn't want to loose his beautiful family (Even tho his BS looks like she could be his older sister) and I didn't want to lose my self worth anymore. Anyway, I was pondering on what I would do if he ever reached out again (like get all my feelings off my chest), and I now know I won't even do anything... Simply nothing. Ignore and continue NC. I hope he does do right by his wife. Right now I'm healing and I'm okay with being by myself until I heal but, I know I will find someone in the future who will treat me the way I deserve to be treated. So in conclusion... If it's not making you happy, if it's bringing you self-esteem down and deep down you know what you have to do to make you happy.... Do it!!
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