Any hope left?

[newalexr]

Feeling so lost and i need help. So my Ex and I we were doing long distance (Europe- Asia) and its been over a year before we broke off. Though i was supposed to move once my contract with work is over in late 2015.

 

We loved each other and i am pretty sure that we still do. I am sure of that because even though it was long distance we made sure to let each other know how important the other is as well as talk about our respective careers and goals. We supported each other through hard times and tried to skype and write letters or send little gifts even though the time difference is 6 hours or so. We had our own lives but we tried to help each other grow too.

 

Everything was going well until i refused to sleep with her and i had unintentionally pushed her away. I could not really relax or even let her touch me at times. I have a history of sexual abuse and i thought i could deal with it and then it will be ok if i feel safe. I do feel safe with her but yet i could not so i am pretty sure she thought she is just not it for me. I know i sound like a pansy but i never thought i would be this affected. I am usually cold and distance in my other relationships so it never mattered but this is the one girl i fell in love with and wanted to be with emotionally and physically.

 

I know this made her feel more like a roommate or someone who was just that and especially since she has a higher sex drive then me. We had to break up because she felt that if we could not even bond whenever i do make the trips then it would be useless and told me that now she loves me but is not in love with me now. We tried NC for less than 2 days and she reached out for me and we knew we needed each other in our lives.

 

However she told me she still wants me in her life and that i am important to her. The saddest thing is that i do want the whole intimacy thing with her but something always stops me.

 

I feel like i have destroyed a very good relationship all because i did not let myself heal or resolve my sexual abuse problem. However after the break-up it was a wake up call for me and i am slowly healing. Been going for therapy sessions etc.. I can tell the difference that i have changed and am changing. I am not there yet but i am getting there. I have even been putting my energy into my career and am planning on a new business so yes the break-up was a good wake up call for me.

 

However it feels like there is something missing, an ache or i wish i could just share it with my ex. She is still the first person i think of telling anything good or bad or call when i am sad. She is my best friend i suppose and her dogs are like my kids too. They adore me. I still want to marry her.

 

She knows i have feelings for her still and about my therapy. She does ask about it from time to time.

 

My question in this long rant is... i want to ask her for a second chance to show her that i can change and have changed but due to my management training program and our distance i can only see her next year perhaps in august.

 

How do i show her that i am changing and eventually have changed being as far away as i am? I still love her so much and i know she loves me too. I know i have hurt her by pushing her away and not meeting her needs when she tried so hard.

 

I feel that i should wait till i change so i know i can meet her needs and give her what she wants as i want her to be happy but i am afraid that the distance and time may cause the feelings to disappear especially since she is more cautious now.

 

Is there any hope for me? How do i get a second chance and show her that i finally understand and want to change? That i am doing what it takes to heal myself? I am doing it for both myself (there has been relief, i no longer feel disgusted or angry about myself) but i am not going to lie and say it is not for the relationship too. That i regret hurting her and that should she take a chance on me again, i can prove that i will be worth her time this time.

 

Is there any advice? We just broke up 2 months or so back. Though we still text everyday and call quite often (almost feels like things havent changed but there is still a wall that i can feel between us). She has been calling me more recently, i do not want to get my hopes up too much but i cant seem to be anything but happy when she calls and i can just make her laugh.

 

Anyone who had a history of sexual abuse while in a relationship broke up, healed themselves and make it work? I feel lost despite having newer things such as my career hitting off.

Edited December 27, 2013 by newalexr

[FitChick]

Are you still a virgin?

 

How would you feel if she dated someone else while you were "healing", had sex with him, they broke up and then she said she liked you more and wanted to get back together?

[writergal]

I have sexual abuse history in my background but I did years of therapy to address it, at the same time while dating. My therapist at the time encouraged me to continue to date through my therapy, so that I could put theory to practice and thus help myself to heal and feel more in control of my boundaries with the men I chose to have intercourse with.

 

You write that you still have feelings for her, and that despite the break-up two months ago, you two are still in constant contact, you have a new career, and are slowly addressing your sexual abuse history with therapy sessions.

 

If you want to be with this woman, then I think you need to do a few things:

 

1. Make a decision with her, which continent the relationship will be based in: Asia or the U.S.

 

With your new career, are you stuck where you currently live, or will you have the opportunity work in Asia? If you're stuck, then the only alternative is to have her move to the U.S. on a tourist or work visa (if she is not tied down to her career or life where she lives).

 

I don't think this relationship has a chance for reconciliation if either of you stays put in your own countries. One of you will have to move, to make it work if marriage is the mutual, final outcome for you both. Otherwise, I think you will continue to feel in limbo, which is that "wall" you describe feeling.

 

2. Continue your therapy.

 

Don't use that as an excuse to put-off the relationship. Like I told you with my own situation, I dated men during the years I went to therapy for my sexual abuse history and it really helped me to heal and recover.

 

People's lives are constantly changing. You can't put conditions on the relationship, "we can't have sex or be together until I finish therapy and heal," because that isn't realistic or fair to yourself or the other person. Healing only comes when you commit yourself to change.

 

It's different however, if you were to go into a residential treatment center that disrupted your work-schedule for a few months. That would be the only legitimate reason to put your relationship in limbo.

 

3. Be honest with yourself about what you truly want from this woman and from yourself.

 

Do you want to marry her? Do you want to overcome your sexual abuse history so that you can finally be physically and emotionally intimate with this woman (or if not her, others who come into your life in the future)?

 

Since you talk everyday and are open with each other, the best thing you can do is to be honest with yourself and with her. What do you want to do? Are you willing to move? Or do you need her to move (and if so, can you financially help her)? Are you willing to stop pushing her away and make yourself vulnerable both to risk and change?