fluffhead Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 Hi everyone, For those of you who have followed my threads, I've finally (2.5 months later), come to accept the break-up and have come to realize what went wrong. For those who don't know my story, my ex-gf of 1-year broke up with me, didn't give me a reason, and I've been heartbroken ever since. This is a girl of which I had an on again, off again, fling-ish relationship with throughout most of college and once we graduated, we finally took things to the next level. Since we broke up, we've spoken a few times...very friendly, very cordial...had some laughs, etc. I was expecting her to come back to me and low and behold, she still has yet to do so. I began focusing on myself, both physically and mentally and admittedly, I realized that towards the end of our relationship (due to personal and professional stresses), I was in a "funk." I was out of shape (going to the gym keeps my self confidence high), I was in a dead-end position at my company and to top it all off, she kept getting denied from companies she was applying to and it was taking a toll on the both of us. We met up once to just catch up about a month after the break-up and things went well. We didn't make up or anything, but I firmly stated my feelings haven't changed, but I won't be begging her to hang out. Now 2.5 months after the breakup, I've finally bettered myself. I'm back in shape, I finally got the promotion I wanted at my company and I overall feel good about myself. I've realized that although she said "this breakup doesn't have to do with me and that I was a perfect BF," that this breakup had EVERYTHING to do with me and I, very well, could have been the reason why the breakup occurred (due to my funk). As I said, I'm in a much better place now and would like to sit down with my ex and explain this all to her. The only thing is that even though I'm in a better place mentally and physically, I'm still not happy without her in my life and I would like to make that understood. I've spent the past week contemplating asking her to get together to tell her all of this and it all made sense to me until this morning. I wanted to text her on new years just to wish her a happy and a healthy (maybe even say something along the lines as it's not the same this year without her) and see if she would want to get together for drinks later in the week to catch up. At that meet I would pretty much say everything that I've outlined here with the ultimate intention of her and I agreeing to try us out again, albeit, taking it very slow. Some people I've spoken to have suggested that this is a bad idea, while others, have said its a good idea. The reason I'm leaning towards doing it is this: If I don't, and we never rekindle, I'll ALWAYS be wondering WHAT IF. In my head, the worst case scenario is that we sit down, I say my peace, and we end up in the same exact position we're in right now. Best case, is that we give it a second chance. I wanted to come to you guys to get some insight as well. Appreciate any and all help.
strive Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 You're going in and you have a set expectation in your head, but you'll probably end up disappointed.I'm not saying don't do it, because there are people who regret never finding out the "what if" in their lives. You might be one of those. Just a warning though, the worst case scenario you predicted is far from being the worst. I mean, you don't even know if she'll say yes to getting together for a few drinks. The worst would be something like her saying she can't be with you because she has a new BF now, ends up hating you for even trying to manipulate her into getting back together, and you'll have no more of those cordial and friendly talks. She'd stomp/stab/shatter your heart all over again, talk smack about you to everyone she knows and post it on her facebook. All because you tried to reach out. Now THAT is an example of worst case scenario. 1
xUnknown Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 Hi everyone, For those of you who have followed my threads, I've finally (2.5 months later), come to accept the break-up and have come to realize what went wrong. For those who don't know my story, my ex-gf of 1-year broke up with me, didn't give me a reason, and I've been heartbroken ever since. This is a girl of which I had an on again, off again, fling-ish relationship with throughout most of college and once we graduated, we finally took things to the next level. Since we broke up, we've spoken a few times...very friendly, very cordial...had some laughs, etc. I was expecting her to come back to me and low and behold, she still has yet to do so. I began focusing on myself, both physically and mentally and admittedly, I realized that towards the end of our relationship (due to personal and professional stresses), I was in a "funk." I was out of shape (going to the gym keeps my self confidence high), I was in a dead-end position at my company and to top it all off, she kept getting denied from companies she was applying to and it was taking a toll on the both of us. We met up once to just catch up about a month after the break-up and things went well. We didn't make up or anything, but I firmly stated my feelings haven't changed, but I won't be begging her to hang out. Now 2.5 months after the breakup, I've finally bettered myself. I'm back in shape, I finally got the promotion I wanted at my company and I overall feel good about myself. I've realized that although she said "this breakup doesn't have to do with me and that I was a perfect BF," that this breakup had EVERYTHING to do with me and I, very well, could have been the reason why the breakup occurred (due to my funk). As I said, I'm in a much better place now and would like to sit down with my ex and explain this all to her. The only thing is that even though I'm in a better place mentally and physically, I'm still not happy without her in my life and I would like to make that understood. I've spent the past week contemplating asking her to get together to tell her all of this and it all made sense to me until this morning. I wanted to text her on new years just to wish her a happy and a healthy (maybe even say something along the lines as it's not the same this year without her) and see if she would want to get together for drinks later in the week to catch up. At that meet I would pretty much say everything that I've outlined here with the ultimate intention of her and I agreeing to try us out again, albeit, taking it very slow. Some people I've spoken to have suggested that this is a bad idea, while others, have said its a good idea. The reason I'm leaning towards doing it is this: If I don't, and we never rekindle, I'll ALWAYS be wondering WHAT IF. In my head, the worst case scenario is that we sit down, I say my peace, and we end up in the same exact position we're in right now. Best case, is that we give it a second chance. I wanted to come to you guys to get some insight as well. Appreciate any and all help. Personally, if your ex broke up with you...its on them to get it back. I don't think you have to prove anything to anyone. You're admitting that the breakup was because of you is just putting more power in their hand. You're stroking their ego. Stroke yours by SHOWING the promotion and the gym showed off. Show her by moving on. When you finally have moved on and working on yourself, then they realize what they're missing out on. Again, I say do whatever it is that you want in your heart. It sounds like you've made up your mind about what you want to do, but came here for us to talk you out of it (since you know most people here will try to convince you not to do it lol). But go with your gut. It doesn't matter what WE/I think you should do, it matters what YOU WANT TO DO. But, in my opinion, don't do it. Show her you're better than before...don't tell her with words, tell her by showing it.
Author fluffhead Posted December 27, 2013 Author Posted December 27, 2013 I have hopes, no expectations. I agree with you to a degree, however, we are both very cordial to each other and all signs point to her not being over the situation (again, in my head). For example, she's been liking my posts on some social media outlets (not a huge deal by any stretch), I've noticed that she hasn't been going on social media sites nearly AT ALL over the past few weeks (I assume to avoid any of my posts), and to top it all off, she is leaving the city where we both live to go home for NYE. Since college (we have now been out for 6 years), she has never left the city for home for new years. Could she be dating someone new by now? Absoultey, she's beautiful and an all around amazing girl, but if that's the case, I'm bound to find out eventually. I'd rather give this reconciliation thing a real shot and tell her just how I feel and how I've gotten "out of my funk." In essence, the guy she fell in love with was NOT who she broke up with and I need her to know that the guy she fell in love with is back and isn't going away.
AllTooWell Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 so because she's being cordial and civil with you you're gonna take the plunge... good luck pal so she dumps you, and in 2.5 months (NO TIME AT ALL) you magically better yourself enough that you think you can convince her to give you another chance? not enough time has passed, you are not in an emotionally stable place, you are doing this because you have convinced yourself otherwise, whether you want to admit it or not. you do have hopes and expectations because otherwise you wouldn't even feel a desire to contact her. you shouldn't have to bargain or convince someone to want you back. if you've 'changed' as much as you claim you should keep improving yourself and being civil with her. when she notices, thats when she will come back to you. you shouldn't be going to her - I'm sure she's still well aware of how you feel being the dumpee. good luck with whatever you choose, i hope this doesn't blow up in your face 1
xUnknown Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 when she notices, thats when she will come back to you. you shouldn't be going to her - I'm sure she's still well aware of how you feel being the dumpee. This. My ex came back after 3 months thinking I was going to take her back at first sight, because she thought I was still so hung up on her. I wasn't...Its on my time now. She saw I was getting over her (by not contacting her, not going on her FB page or liking her stuff), and she started to miss me. She's been changing, but she needs to change more. Follow this role my man. Show her you've changed by SHOWING her you're moving on. When you do, thats when she'll want you back. Its the holidays, things get tough these times, trust me I know. I've wanted to reach out to my ex so many times knowing she wants to work on things. If you are considering it, wait until January 7th. Give it a week (at least) after New Years. Your emotions are running hot because of the time of the year. Let them cool off and think rationally, not emotionally about it. 2
FortunateSon Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 Hi everyone, For those of you who have followed my threads, I've finally (2.5 months later), come to accept the break-up and have come to realize what went wrong. For those who don't know my story, my ex-gf of 1-year broke up with me, didn't give me a reason, and I've been heartbroken ever since. This is a girl of which I had an on again, off again, fling-ish relationship with throughout most of college and once we graduated, we finally took things to the next level. Since we broke up, we've spoken a few times...very friendly, very cordial...had some laughs, etc. I was expecting her to come back to me and low and behold, she still has yet to do so. I began focusing on myself, both physically and mentally and admittedly, I realized that towards the end of our relationship (due to personal and professional stresses), I was in a "funk." I was out of shape (going to the gym keeps my self confidence high), I was in a dead-end position at my company and to top it all off, she kept getting denied from companies she was applying to and it was taking a toll on the both of us. We met up once to just catch up about a month after the break-up and things went well. We didn't make up or anything, but I firmly stated my feelings haven't changed, but I won't be begging her to hang out. Now 2.5 months after the breakup, I've finally bettered myself. I'm back in shape, I finally got the promotion I wanted at my company and I overall feel good about myself. I've realized that although she said "this breakup doesn't have to do with me and that I was a perfect BF," that this breakup had EVERYTHING to do with me and I, very well, could have been the reason why the breakup occurred (due to my funk). As I said, I'm in a much better place now and would like to sit down with my ex and explain this all to her. The only thing is that even though I'm in a better place mentally and physically, I'm still not happy without her in my life and I would like to make that understood. I've spent the past week contemplating asking her to get together to tell her all of this and it all made sense to me until this morning. I wanted to text her on new years just to wish her a happy and a healthy (maybe even say something along the lines as it's not the same this year without her) and see if she would want to get together for drinks later in the week to catch up. At that meet I would pretty much say everything that I've outlined here with the ultimate intention of her and I agreeing to try us out again, albeit, taking it very slow. Some people I've spoken to have suggested that this is a bad idea, while others, have said its a good idea. The reason I'm leaning towards doing it is this: If I don't, and we never rekindle, I'll ALWAYS be wondering WHAT IF. In my head, the worst case scenario is that we sit down, I say my peace, and we end up in the same exact position we're in right now. Best case, is that we give it a second chance. I wanted to come to you guys to get some insight as well. Appreciate any and all help. I am same situation and I am contemplating the exact same. I feel like I want to reach out one last time to see if there is anything left or a chance. I am almost 7 months post BU and feel like I am at a crossroads, that this is it. I think I have nothing to lose by reaching out and either way the answer will be more definitive. I am fully aware that the answer, if any, is not what I want to hear, but feel it will help me let go?
xUnknown Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 I am same situation and I am contemplating the exact same. I feel like I want to reach out one last time to see if there is anything left or a chance. I am almost 7 months post BU and feel like I am at a crossroads, that this is it. I think I have nothing to lose by reaching out and either way the answer will be more definitive. I am fully aware that the answer, if any, is not what I want to hear, but feel it will help me let go? Give it another two week or so. Compared to 7 months, what more is 2 weeks. Let the holiday season cool down. 1
FortunateSon Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 (edited) I think waiting til after the holidays is good advice. Would it be advisable if meeting, to make small talk and feeling things out or just put everything on the table and ask to reconcile? Edited December 27, 2013 by FortunateSon
xUnknown Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 I think waiting til after the holidays is good advice. Would it be advisable if meeting, to make small talk and feeling things out or just put everything on the table and ask to reconcile? Personally, I'd talk as new friends. Your risk is inviting her to coffee. Her risk will be bringing it up. You know the topic is going to come up one way or another...let her be the one to bring it up.
BC1980 Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 This is tricky, and you might get more than you bargained for if you initiate contact. I contacted my ex after 3 months because I thought I was ready and had a moment if weakness. It was very painful, and he acted all nonchalant like nothing had happened. It damaged me and set me back. I wish I had stayed NC and gained more objectivity. You get an initial high but then realize you aren't together anymore. It ended up bringing back old feelings just hearing his voice, and I had actually been working on disconnecting from him. I can't tell you not to do it, but it's a bigger risk than you realize. 2
FortunateSon Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 (edited) For me, not to hijack OP's thread, it's about the finality and letting go. I feel like if we met and nothing has changed and reconciliation in not in the cards it would make it easier to let go. I feel like there is nothing for me to lose, I realize it could set me back, but I feel set back already if it makes sense? I am not sure I am going to do it, but have thought about it? Edited December 27, 2013 by FortunateSon
2fargone Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 You're contradicting yourself. I think you know quite well what you have to lose... For me, not to hijack OP's thread, it's about the finality and letting go. I feel like if we met and nothing has changed and reconciliation in not in the cards it would make it easier to let go. I feel like there is nothing for me to lose, I realize it could set me back, but I feel set back already if it makes sense? I am not sure I am going to do it, but have thought about it?
ChinUp Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 My advice would be to wait a little longer. It's all still recent and fresh and add the holidays to the mix just makes it more difficult. I have wanted to reach out to my ex from time to time but I don't - for several reasons but I always ask myself why would I want to reach out to someone that bailed on me? Some day I might but I have to be prepared for no answer, no response - is that something you can handle right now?
organizedchaos Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 This. My ex came back after 3 months thinking I was going to take her back at first sight, because she thought I was still so hung up on her. I wasn't...Its on my time now. She saw I was getting over her (by not contacting her, not going on her FB page or liking her stuff), and she started to miss me. She's been changing, but she needs to change more. Follow this role my man. Show her you've changed by SHOWING her you're moving on. When you do, thats when she'll want you back. Its the holidays, things get tough these times, trust me I know. I've wanted to reach out to my ex so many times knowing she wants to work on things. If you are considering it, wait until January 7th. Give it a week (at least) after New Years. Your emotions are running hot because of the time of the year. Let them cool off and think rationally, not emotionally about it. Did you block her from all social media or remain connected while in nc?
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