Losther Posted January 6, 2005 Posted January 6, 2005 i have been dating my ex for about 7 years. She broke up w/ me about 2 months ago. The only hope I have is that we've been together for 7 years. not married but dating. Am I putting too much stock in that? I know there is a lot I need to deal w/ on my own. But does that amount of time give me any hope. Today is an especially bad for me. Any ideas?
Sarah12385 Posted January 6, 2005 Posted January 6, 2005 ugh no you most definitely are not.... gosh, i was w/a guy for 2 years and thought i was in hell any idea why she broke it off? maybe she *wanted* to get married...? i dunno but, being w/someone for that long, i can only imagine how u are feeling my sympathy goes out to you *hug* ~Sarah~
Author Losther Posted January 6, 2005 Author Posted January 6, 2005 well three things happened 1.) Career: I am in the tech industry and was "downsized" about a year ago. I tried to find a new job couldn't and decided to finidh my Maser's but couldn't get a loan to get that done. I was a little unhappy abotu my industry as well and thought maybe I wanted to go do soemthign else. having alwasy been a successful person I sank into a depression. She's finishing at a top law school this year so I felt I needed to keep track w/ her and felt embarrased when i hung out with her and her friends. So istopped goign out. She was supporting both of us at this time and in Aug, she was projecting our finances and was getting anxious that we would run out of money. She wanted me to get a "regular" job in Sept. I didn't. 2.) Anger/Control: I have always been a bit of a controling person so i guess when i got more depressed i got more angry and less loving. I think back and shiver when I think of what kind of relationship she saw form ehr eyes. I yelled about random things. wouldn't do anything she wanted. Basically just sat on the coach all day and watched the news. I would watch the news all day, and on Fridays I would watch bill Maher while she went out w/ her friends. I think back to it now and am schocked I couldn't see the signs of depression. i am shocked at who I had become. 3.) Not treating her like she was special: She wanted to get married. But I thought how could I propose to her or do anythign for her when I am supposed to be the one taking care of her and it was the other way around. So Ijust shut down the convo whenever she brought it up. So on our 7th anniversary I was stressed trying to hustle to get a loan to start school in Sept. The loan was falling through and I was pissed and took it out on her saying that I needed support and it was selfish to think of us doing an anniversary at that time. Cuz the loan was more important so I can get back on track. I could of done both. Also during this time. We stopped having regular sex. Maybe like once a week if that. And it was a battle for her just to get me to sit down next to her while we watched movies. I just basically stopped being affectionate. i still adored her (did everythign humanly possible to make her life easier) but just didn't show her any affection or love. She would only wear lingerie around the house thinkign the reason why I stopped ahvign sex w/ her cuz I didn't think she was attractive. I just didn't have a sex drive anymore. We would have sex like 5 times a week. very passionate sex at that. So then in Nov. We got in a fight and I said I need to go away cuz I need to figure things out even us two. She was goign to miami for a vacation for a week and she came back and told me to move out. I guess that was the last straw. She said she made up her mind and didn't want me to change it. So she stopped talkign to me cold turkey. That snapped me out of funk real quick. I found a counselor. Started goign through the relationship. Realized things I was wrong about whoch were alot. Realzied I was a controling and verball\y abusive perosn especially in the last year. And realized I had truly taken her for granted assuming she would be there regardless. I spent about 3 weeks hounding and harrassing her. Did everythin imaginable. Then decied to respect her wishes and started praying she would come back. Not fully at first, I would leave her alone for abotu i week and then call like 5 times in one day. But now am focused on respectign those wishes. but still want her back. We met in college. We went through an up and down realtionship at the beginning. We dealt w/ everythign you can imagine and came through it all. We loved each other tremondously. And she put up w/ me as I grew yet i still have alot of growing to do. We are both 26 about to be 27. Well I guess she just got fed up w. waiting for me,. She's a catch, smart, caring, beautiful, funny and understands family.
XNemesisX Posted January 6, 2005 Posted January 6, 2005 You would think that the length of a relationship would correlate with the odds of reconciliation... but unfortunately its not always the case. I've seen friends get over a 2 year relationship in about a month and then pine for someone they dated 2 months for months and months. Common sense would tell you that your odds are higher for being with her for so long, but what would someone coming out of a divorce who was married 20 some years think? I guess the real question is when her feelings started to change. This was probably a gradual deterioration. I hope things work out for you. Be trying to win her back and tell her you realize your mistakes now. Unfortunately, for some of us who were the ones to screw up, it takes losing the person to realize what we did wrong. We kind of get in this mindset that that person will always be there no matter what. Then we get our rude awakening. I hope it is not too late for you to make it up to her. Good luck and I hope you have better luck than I have had!
RowanRavyn Posted January 6, 2005 Posted January 6, 2005 ::Random hug for LostHer:: Keep working on you!
Gottabestrong Posted January 6, 2005 Posted January 6, 2005 Oh my gosh! When I read your post I thought it was my ex posting! We had not been together 7 years, only 2.5 but the behaviour you describe is exactly the same he gave me for the last few months of our relationship. He was also stressed because of work. First he could not find a job for a long time, then he found one, but did not like it. He was also unhappy because he was in a new country, where he does not know anyone. He started being acting very distant and cold. We had sex maybe once a month or so, and only then if I basically threw myself upon him. His excuse was that he had a low sex-drive. Like you, at some point he said that he needed to go away for a while, be by himself and figure his life out. That was 3 months ago, but unfortunately, unlike you, he has not changed his mind yet. At first he wanted to get back together, but after 2 weeks he changed his mind again and told me that he really needed to be by himself for some time now, and figure his life out. As I said that was over 3 months ago. We are barely in touch anymore. Every 2 weeks or so I get a short text and I send a nice, friendly reply back. Then it takes him another 2 weeks or so to contact me again. He only ever contacts me with texts. No calls or emails. Sorry to bother you with that, I know you need help yourself, but maybe you can give me some advice. Is there hope left for him to want to reconcile? He knows I love him and I told him that I would love to see him, even without us being friends and all. He has no friends and family in the city, and whenever I hear from him, he says that his life is no fun, just work and maybe going to the pub on the weekends. But he still wont contact me more often then once every 2 weeks or so, and he never ever suggested meeting up. What should I do? Continue to leave him alone? I dont want to pressure him, but I dont want him to think that I dont care about him anymore. I have a feeling that he might be slightly depressed, but maybe I am just lying to myself and he is off having the time of his life without me. If you could give me any insight or advice, I would be eternally grateful. I really think you guys were/are in a similar situation. Thanks so much!!!
Author Losther Posted January 6, 2005 Author Posted January 6, 2005 Well in your case. From what you tell, he is the one who treated you badly. And if you did everything you could to help him. The ball is in his court. Did you suggest he might be depressed? It wasn't until I was fully committed to making a change that I started realizzing the issues that I presented in the relationship. But that was after she left me and it sunk on me that she might not be coming back. SO I think he has to come to that realization himself or even if you guys do come back together you guys will be unhappy again. You can maybe help him along by not contacting him. If he values you in his life he will realize that by his actions he will eventually lose you. I'm not an expert ont his so maybe others on this board can help you.
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