Red Flags

[ThatMan]

Im not seeing him anymore. I am just trying to understand where i shoudl have cut it off, and where i went wrong. Why i put up with big red flags, and what is a dealbreaker red flag. Its so hard though when you get on so well with the person, it feels like you are judging them

May I offer some advice?

You need to look after yourself, especially if your heart gets involved. Until you are able to muster the courage to walk away from any destructive man, despite being emotionally attached, maybe you shouldn't be dating yet.

 

It's impossible to predict with certainty how a potential relationship will pan out. Whether or not you recognize red flags in advance won't change your pervasive pattern of sticking around losers. I think there's more you need to consider.

[MidwestUSA]

"Many women happy to see the back of him". For a second there, I thought 'well, at least he's got a cute butt'.

 

Even that wouldn't redeem him. He's got nothing going for him, and it sounds like he wants you for your perceived money. Run and don't look back.

[mishy]

Sorry OP, the guy is a loser. Plain and simple. And this based solely on what he's actually told you. Can you imagine how much more you don't know about him? Yikes!!

 

I never actually thoughtof that. The stuff he told me is full on so the stuff he hasn't must be really bad

[Blade96]

This 45 year old the same 45 year old who called you sucker?

 

Yeah. It all makes sense now.

 

I'd say you should have left him yesterday. Good news is you said you're not seeing him anymore.

[d0nnivain]

The mental health issues I could try to work with.

 

 

the illegal stuff -- driving without a license & drugs -- would cause me to end the relationship the minute I found out about them.

[GemmaUK]

That is an awful lot of red flags!

I'm glad you are out of it.

 

I wouldn't be too fast to assume that his ex being in touch with him is actually down to (or has stemmed from) her.

I dated a guy for 5 weeks a few years ago.

All kinds of flags came up - and he was so bizarre sometimes that he was almost fascinating!

 

However, after I finished it he wouldn't stop contacting me - literally from the next day he wanted to be friends.

I wasn't able to block him on my phone in any way at the time. His texts and calls did dwindle but he was still contacting me 4 years later with no responses from me. (it was only when I got a new phone which I coudl get an app for that blocked calls and texts but sent a text to say 'this person has blocked you' that he stopped.)

Had I been in some bad situation I might have responded at some point - maybe this is why it appears an ex is wanting his contact - he has engineered it because he needs attention.

She has had a rough time, he stops responding and she then is after contact from him having believed he was a friend.

 

For red flags I imagine what I would say to a good friend or a sister if they were in my situation. Usually that works for me and I then get out asap.

 

I haven't ever known of nor experienced as many red flags as you describe though but I would have been gone at the first one.

 

I don't need nor want drama in my life and he sounds like a real drama monger.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, what did you mean when you said you went a bit nuts, and he sent you to the hospital?

[MissBee]

so i am just wondering at what point is a red flag a dealbreaker?

 

The guy i was seeing has had a fairly peppered past.

 

Used to be a amphetamine addict

is bi polar

suffers depression that can leave him bedridden for a week

drives without a license (having lost it to drink driving)

suffered unbelievable physical abuse as a child (obviously not his fault)

seems to have a lot of women that are glad to see the back of him (he has told me this)

smokes cigarettes heavily.

 

But he was incredibly fun to be around. He is 45

 

Are all of those bad points reason to not date someone? At what point should i have cut it off? As each thing was disclosed to me, should i have stopped it at the first thing that he revealed about himself (the previous drug use) for example?

 

 

I am not really sure about what you're asking.

 

Dealbreakers are completely dependent on you and what you want/value/don't want.

 

For me: red flags are clues that someone may not be what I'm looking for. If I know for a FACT certain things about them are things I don't want/can't deal with (dealbreakers) then if I am serious about being with someone who is compatible with me, I cut it off or I at least put them in the "Will never progress to anything serious" box.

 

Are any of what you've mentioned dealbreakers for you? Red flags are clues about dealbreakers. Red flags then later become in your face facts.

 

A man being "fun" is not an actual quality I look for. Fun is not a quality. It's very superficial. Fun is not worth someone coming with a host of other really big incompatibilities and problems. I am not going to date a drug addict, abusive person, someone mentally unstable etc because we have "fun" sometimes. Fun wears off. Relationships are more than fun. You can have fun with anyone. Doesn't mean you're a good match for a relationship which will include lots of emotional investment. I can separate fun from sustainable and worth my time.

Edited December 27, 2013 by MissBee

[mishy]

I am not really sure about what you're asking.

 

Dealbreakers are completely dependent on you and what you want/value/don't want.

 

For me: red flags are clues that someone may not be what I'm looking for. If I know for a FACT certain things about them are things I don't want/can't deal with (dealbreakers) then if I am serious about being with someone who is compatible with me, I cut it off or I at least put them in the "Will never progress to anything serious" box.

 

Are any of what you've mentioned dealbreakers for you? Red flags are clues about dealbreakers. Red flags then later become in your face facts.

 

A man being "fun" is not an actual quality I look for. Fun is not a quality. It's very superficial. Fun is not worth someone coming with a host of other really big incompatibilities and problems. I am not going to date a drug addict, abusive person, someone mentally unstable etc because we have "fun" sometimes. Fun wears off. Relationships are more than fun. You can have fun with anyone. Doesn't mean you're a good match for a relationship which will include lots of emotional investment. I can separate fun from sustainable and worth my time.

 

if a friend had come to me with that list, and asked me should i date this guy, i would have said no. I dont know why i found it acceptable. I was blind. You are right about "fun". Anyone can be fun

[mishy]

OP, what did you mean when you said you went a bit nuts, and he sent you to the hospital?

 

i told him on sunday i was in love with him, after i had sarcastically suggested he marry the filipino and he thought it was a great idea. After i told him i loved him he prety much ran and i tried to contact him. It was Christmas eve and he wouldnt reply to texts, Just wanted to explain its fine, its ok if we are just friends etc etc. I texted ok im going to bed now and will take a sleeping tablet that will make me feel better.

 

He took it to mean i was going to commit suicide (???!!!!) and he called teh ambulance. they saw it was a misunderstanding after they spoke to me and gave me teh tablets back and went off. they called him to say she's ok etc and he convinced them to take me to hospital to speak to a doctor... they came back to get me and i had no choice.

 

So i was stuck in a psych ward waiting room thinking how the hell did THIS happen , for 9 hours... It was just awful. To get me out of there they had to call a friend of mine to get reassurance that i have been acting normal lately. A process that took 3 hours with all the paperwork, calls etc. Anyway i was allowed to leave after all that drama.

 

the friend thinks that because he seemed very interested in my money, he was trying to start a mental health file on me, so he could eventually start a proper relationship with me and take my money. It sounds far fetched i know, but she seems convinced

[mishy]

So now i have a file in the mental ward... Never ever had anything like that happen. Havent even been in hospital in regard to myself for 20 years. He totally over reacted because he has tried to commit suicide 3 times himself.

[mishy]

I am not really sure about what you're asking.

 

Dealbreakers are completely dependent on you and what you want/value/don't want.

 

For me: red flags are clues that someone may not be what I'm looking for. If I know for a FACT certain things about them are things I don't want/can't deal with (dealbreakers) then if I am serious about being with someone who is compatible with me, I cut it off or I at least put them in the "Will never progress to anything serious" box.

 

Are any of what you've mentioned dealbreakers for you? Red flags are clues about dealbreakers. Red flags then later become in your face facts.

 

A man being "fun" is not an actual quality I look for. Fun is not a quality. It's very superficial. Fun is not worth someone coming with a host of other really big incompatibilities and problems. I am not going to date a drug addict, abusive person, someone mentally unstable etc because we have "fun" sometimes. Fun wears off. Relationships are more than fun. You can have fun with anyone. Doesn't mean you're a good match for a relationship which will include lots of emotional investment. I can separate fun from sustainable and worth my time.

 

i never intended dating a smoker and i didnt actually know he wqas one til after we had been talking for a few weeks online. I just didnt notice it on his profile. So by that time i was already interested in him and i thought ok maybe he is a light smoker or is trying to quit.

 

Smoking is the biggest red flag on there as it is current. theother one is driving without a license. All teh rest are things in his past.

 

Smoking and driving without a license show that you have little regard for your own and anybody elses safety or health. Both are reckless

[FitChick]

Why i put up with big red flags, and what is a dealbreaker red flag. Its so hard though when you get on so well with the person, it feels like you are judging them

 

You are supposed to be judging the men you date. You need to exercise GOOD JUDGMENT to decide if someone would be a good person to invest in emotionally.

 

Make a list of red flags and dealbreakers and next time you meet someone and start to get to know them, find out which red flags they are waving. Then you wave bye-bye.

Edited December 28, 2013 by FitChick

[writergal]

Wow, OP, this is quite the thread.

 

I have to agree with the poster FitChick. Judging someone's character by their actions is required to gauge the genuineness and authenticity of everyone who comes into your life, including romantic partners.

 

To let it escalate to the point where you spent 9 hours in a psych ward is indeed a wake-up call for you, I think. It's time you sought personal counseling (cognitive behavior therapy) to help you develop the skills to use better judgement in all areas of your life. Otherwise, how do you plan to prevent another situation like this from happening again?

Edited December 28, 2013 by writergal

[mishy]

Wow, OP, this is quite the thread.

 

I have to agree with the poster FitChick. Judging someone's character by their actions is required to gauge the genuineness and authenticity of everyone who comes into your life, including romantic partners.

 

To let it escalate to the point where you spent 9 hours in a psych ward is indeed a wake-up call for you, I think. It's time you sought personal counseling (cognitive behavior therapy) to help you develop the skills to use better judgement in all areas of your life. Otherwise, how do you plan to prevent another situation like this from happening again?

 

 

There was no way i actually needed to be there as i was not suicidal, i felt like he had overreacted due to his own personal history. The ambulance drivers thought i was fine. It was only when he spoke to him again that they came and got me. Messing around with him and all his red flags got me there

[writergal]

No, you calling him to tell him that you were taking sleeping pills, knowing his history, is *your* poor judgment. Not his. Gotta take responsibility for your actions, or you'll never learn.

 

What got you here isn't just about quantifying what red flags in others behaviors are. It's how you refuse to take responsibility for your choices and actions.

 

He clearly gave you all the signs that he wasn't interested in anything serious with you, yet you persisted for his attention at the cost of now having a permanent record in a psych ward. And yet, that doesn't seem to phase you, which worries me.

 

The issue here isn't about him. He's just a symptom of something larger, which I think is your inability to pull back and process before you act, because you seem to react and act quicker than you think. And that itself is a problem.

 

Why did you choose to call him to tell you were taking sleeping pills? That's seems manipulative to me, because it wasn't really necessary for him to know that was it? But I think you did it, to get his attention because you haven't given up on wining him over yet, from this other woman who lives in another country.

 

Please seek counseling so that you can learn how to create boundaries, think before you act, and learn to make better judgments.

[mishy]

No, you calling him to tell him that you were taking sleeping pills, knowing his history, is *your* poor judgment. Not his. Gotta take responsibility for your actions, or you'll never learn.

 

What got you here isn't just about quantifying what red flags in others behaviors are. It's how you refuse to take responsibility for your choices and actions.

 

He clearly gave you all the signs that he wasn't interested in anything serious with you, yet you persisted for his attention at the cost of now having a permanent record in a psych ward. And yet, that doesn't seem to phase you, which worries me.

 

The issue here isn't about him. He's just a symptom of something larger, which I think is your inability to pull back and process before you act, because you seem to react and act quicker than you think. And that itself is a problem.

 

Why did you choose to call him to tell you were taking sleeping pills? That's seems manipulative to me, because it wasn't really necessary for him to know that was it? But I think you did it, to get his attention because you haven't given up on wining him over yet, from this other woman who lives in another country.

 

Please seek counseling so that you can learn how to create boundaries, think before you act, and learn to make better judgments.

 

No i actually didnt know he had ever tried suicide until later. The problem was he wasnt actually being clear that he didnt want me. He kept doing things everyday that went against that. All sorts of physical contact and saying things. I know, i made a huge mistake.

Edited December 28, 2013 by mishy

[writergal]

Well, I give up. Good luck with your situation.

[Quiet Storm]

It is not surprising that you have had a lot of drama in your life lately.

 

It sounds like he never learned good coping skills, and dealt with his abuse by self medicating and being self destructive. It takes a lot of hard work, introspection, counseling and willpower to overcome these issues.

 

One of the biggest lessons I've learned in life is that hurt people, hurt people. It's not usually intentional, but they drag people down to their level. You think you can help them, build them up, give them hope... but it rarely happens that way. Most times your life gets worse, you get wrapped up in their chaos.

 

Its best to keep your distance.

 

many disordered people are charming, fun, interesting and nice. This doesn't mean they won't derail your life if you let them.

[mishy]

It is not surprising that you have had a lot of drama in your life lately.

 

It sounds like he never learned good coping skills, and dealt with his abuse by self medicating and being self destructive. It takes a lot of hard work, introspection, counseling and willpower to overcome these issues.

 

One of the biggest lessons I've learned in life is that hurt people, hurt people. It's not usually intentional, but they drag people down to their level. You think you can help them, build them up, give them hope... but it rarely happens that way. Most times your life gets worse, you get wrapped up in their chaos.

 

Its best to keep your distance.

 

many disordered people are charming, fun, interesting and nice. This doesn't mean they won't derail your life if you let them.

 

he was spending this christmas with his parents and he invited me. He hasnt spent christmas with them for many years.(obviously i didnt go)

 

But he also had told me last week about the horrific physical abuse he received at the hands of his mother and father from about the age of 5. and in fact the abuse is so bad he still suffers back problems as a result. i found myself wondering if i could sit at a table and even look at his parents, knowing what they did to him as a child. His mother would instruct the father on what to do to him, and the father obeyed. I think maybe thats why i sabotaged things, as it was really disturbing to hear the details of it

[Eivuwan]

I don't understand. Why did you tell him you love him on sunday after all this discussion of red flags and deal breakers? I agree with writergal. You need to look at your own actions and why you keep talking to this guy.

[mishy]

I don't understand. Why did you tell him you love him on sunday after all this discussion of red flags and deal breakers? I agree with writergal. You need to look at your own actions and why you keep talking to this guy.

 

the red flag thread was just started today. I am not seeing him anymore, im just reflecting on what happened and why i didnt end things earlier

[mishy]

Hmm. Lets say that almost everyone is fun to hang with

the first days.weeks months.

 

But the reality here is that along the way you will

See how bad those things affects his behavior.

 

And sounds lke alot of drama to share with some one just

At the start.

On the other hand it give you the real deal rigth away so

you dont have to waste time if you dont want to deal with

It.

 

Some people date guys like this because they feel sorry for him or because

They have low self esteem.

We cant tell you what values to have.

its your job to have them.and know what you look for in a guy

Way before dating.

I can only say lets be real!you cant live from only fun to hang out with.

And if its so it should be a friend not a bf.

 

This guy will bring alot of drama with him.and im afraid that

You wont be able to survive it by thinking how fun he was to hang out with.

and that doesn't say much about his personality etc.

Because everyone can be the clown when they hang out.

 

 

You should look at this as a adult.not like a teen.

you get the memo often way before wasting time on dates.

but often people dont take time to read it.

I can read alot in the things he told you.

You should look at it too and think about it.

Like the woman and backside thing sounds alarming.

 

you are right, i guess after a while people also arent as fun as they used to be. I havent met anyone with so much messy history, ever. I need to pretty much have a list of dealbreakers that i cant get past. And if i ever date again, make sure i check the list

[ThatMan]

the red flag thread was just started today. I am not seeing him anymore, im just reflecting on what happened and why i didnt end things earlier

mishy,

You seem outright resistant to even brief consideration of your own decisions in this. You cannot anticipate the actions of other people. But you can control your own actions to lead a more fulfilling life. I think you stand to gain a lot by briefly learning new ways of being kind yourself by sorting through your thoughts and feelings. It should not take involuntary commitment to place your thoughts in a better perspective. There's a better way, and we cannot drag you kicking and screaming. No matter where you are in life or what happens to you, you deserve to be happy, and to freely decide what's best for you. If you are serious with your desire to reflect on what happened, I think some thoughtful introspection is in order.

[Blade96]

I said it before. Mishy sounds sweet, and cute. She needs a new guy, a nice one who'll treat her good. Best of luck, Mishy!