mishy Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 (edited) so i am just wondering at what point is a red flag a dealbreaker? The guy i was seeing has had a fairly peppered past. Used to be a amphetamine addict is bi polar suffers depression that can leave him bedridden for a week drives without a license (having lost it to drink driving) suffered unbelievable physical abuse as a child (obviously not his fault) seems to have a lot of women that are glad to see the back of him (he has told me this) smokes cigarettes heavily. But he was incredibly fun to be around. He is 45 Are all of those bad points reason to not date someone? At what point should i have cut it off? As each thing was disclosed to me, should i have stopped it at the first thing that he revealed about himself (the previous drug use) for example? Edited December 27, 2013 by mishy
Onethirtyeight Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 You need to make that call and determine how much of that you're willing to accept. I wouldn't be interested in a woman with those issues if I were making that call. I wouldn't want to deal with the drama, but that's me, any one of those would be a deal breaker.
Author mishy Posted December 27, 2013 Author Posted December 27, 2013 You need to make that call and determine how much of that you're willing to accept. I wouldn't be interested in a woman with those issues if I were making that call. I wouldn't want to deal with the drama, but that's me, any one of those would be a deal breaker. so just one of those would be a dealbreaker? thats interesting. Maybe a girl with those issues might be more unacceptable than a guy? the thing is all those things come out gradually, and by that time you already like them as a person, so its hard to decide to get rid of someone based on their past
Onethirtyeight Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 so just one of those would be a dealbreaker? thats interesting. Maybe a girl with those issues might be more unacceptable than a guy? the thing is all those things come out gradually, and by that time you already like them as a person, so its hard to decide to get rid of someone based on their past I mean I'm kind of ruthless if I'm honest. Maybe it makes me a jerk in some ways and I have dumped women for all kinds of things I think other men would put up with. My feelings on that are I don't have the time to deal with someone who is needy or stressful. So yes, I'm not going to deal with a recovering drug addict or a person who has serious emotional issues. That said I think most people would agree a guy who has emotional issues, who used drugs, and drives without a license is going to cause you nothing but trouble and might drag you down with him. That's your call though. 1
LornaFE Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 Besides the smoking, it all would be a dealbreaker for me. I more than once had failry difficult guys, and realized later I was more their mum than their girlfriend. What I did was trying to heal them. It does not work. Even a therapist would have a hard time.
Author mishy Posted December 27, 2013 Author Posted December 27, 2013 I mean I'm kind of ruthless if I'm honest. Maybe it makes me a jerk in some ways and I have dumped women for all kinds of things I think other men would put up with. My feelings on that are I don't have the time to deal with someone who is needy or stressful. So yes, I'm not going to deal with a recovering drug addict or a person who has serious emotional issues. That said I think most people would agree a guy who has emotional issues, who used drugs, and drives without a license is going to cause you nothing but trouble and might drag you down with him. That's your call though. he did drag me down. the last two guys i have dated have been troublesome and everyone here has called them losers. Before them, i never had these issues with men. Maybe i was younger and so were the men,. and these problems they have are to do with life experience.
Onethirtyeight Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 he did drag me down. the last two guys i have dated have been troublesome and everyone here has called them losers. Before them, i never had these issues with men. Maybe i was younger and so were the men,. and these problems they have are to do with life experience. I don't know what the timeline is here but it sounds like you've dated guys after this guy and they all had similar problems? I'd say that isn't any reason to accept these things if you don't want them.
Author mishy Posted December 27, 2013 Author Posted December 27, 2013 And the last day i was at his house this guy turned up and he was a schizophrenic on some kind of doping medication. he used to be his neighbour. The guy i was seeing was freaking out when i left the guy in a room because he didnt want him to steal his wallet as he has no control over right and wrong due to the medication...And i just thought man..... i cant deal with this, he was a huge guy, and also apparently had some bug drug debt that the local thugs were onto him for. And i thought..... i dont usually hang around people like this, what am i doing here.
Author mishy Posted December 27, 2013 Author Posted December 27, 2013 I don't know what the timeline is here but it sounds like you've dated guys after this guy and they all had similar problems? I'd say that isn't any reason to accept these things if you don't want them. he is the first one i have dated who has issues like this, met him 4 months ago. before that was a guy who just had major issues full stop and that went on for 5 years. Before that, nothing of the kind, just normal men, no dramas
Onethirtyeight Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 And the last day i was at his house this guy turned up and he was a schizophrenic on some kind of doping medication. he used to be his neighbour. The guy i was seeing was freaking out when i left the guy in a room because he didnt want him to steal his wallet as he has no control over right and wrong due to the medication...And i just thought man..... i cant deal with this, he was a huge guy, and also apparently had some bug drug debt that the local thugs were onto him for. And i thought..... i dont usually hang around people like this, what am i doing here. yeah... that sounds bad. If you don't want to be around that don't be.
Author mishy Posted December 27, 2013 Author Posted December 27, 2013 yeah... that sounds bad. If you don't want to be around that don't be. Im not seeing him anymore. I am just trying to understand where i shoudl have cut it off, and where i went wrong. Why i put up with big red flags, and what is a dealbreaker red flag. Its so hard though when you get on so well with the person, it feels like you are judging them
Onethirtyeight Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 Im not seeing him anymore. I am just trying to understand where i shoudl have cut it off, and where i went wrong. Why i put up with big red flags, and what is a dealbreaker red flag. Its so hard though when you get on so well with the person, it feels like you are judging them That's a point you have to figure out for yourself. Like I said I would have stopped with a woman at just one of those. How much do each of these things bother you? I'd say a lot of women put up with a lot of this kind of thing because they think he'll change, and he wont. Then they get upset after they've put up with it for way too long, then leave if they can, and some become jaded man haters. Sounds like you did the first three but not the last one, which is alright and I hope you learn about where your limits are on this. Hopefully you don't do the last one, not all guys are like that.
Iguanna Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 For me there would be a deal breaker with much less that these things you describe. In my age I have no time to date losers and people who don't more or less fit my standards.
Author mishy Posted December 27, 2013 Author Posted December 27, 2013 That's a point you have to figure out for yourself. Like I said I would have stopped with a woman at just one of those. How much do each of these things bother you? I'd say a lot of women put up with a lot of this kind of thing because they think he'll change, and he wont. Then they get upset after they've put up with it for way too long, then leave if they can, and some become jaded man haters. Sounds like you did the first three but not the last one, which is alright and I hope you learn about where your limits are on this. Hopefully you don't do the last one, not all guys are like that. the smoking really bothered me as i hate smoking more than the average person due to my dad dying from it. I started to feel myself getting mad at him if he lit up anywhere inside...I mean even as a friend which we were at the end, i found it hard to deal with
Author mishy Posted December 27, 2013 Author Posted December 27, 2013 all of those things bothered me to a certain extent, but it didnt actually make me like him LESS as a person. It made no difference to me liking him. But i wonder if the little things that bugged me about him were due to residual effects of those things in the list.
Eternal Sunshine Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 Any one of those things you describe would be dealbreakers for me. 1
Author mishy Posted December 27, 2013 Author Posted December 27, 2013 Any one of those things you describe would be dealbreakers for me. Even if you really liked him?
ExpatInItaly Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 Wow. Many dealbreakers on the list. The one that stands out to me the most is drug addiction. That is an incredibly difficult obstacle to overcome, and many addicts remain in recovery for life. I wouldn't want the stress of worrying whether he was going to relapse (not unlikely) He's clearly also still communicating with people who use, and that puts you in a dangerous position. He also said many women want nothing to do with him. Why? How has he treated these women? You can more or less expect the same treatment. I guess these are all moot points now since you're not seeing him, but any of these would have been enough to call it off. It doesn't sound like he's past any of these issues. You're wise to be rid of him. Good choice, OP
Author mishy Posted December 27, 2013 Author Posted December 27, 2013 Wow. Many dealbreakers on the list. The one that stands out to me the most is drug addiction. That is an incredibly difficult obstacle to overcome, and many addicts remain in recovery for life. I wouldn't want the stress of worrying whether he was going to relapse (not unlikely) He's clearly also still communicating with people who use, and that puts you in a dangerous position. He also said many women want nothing to do with him. Why? How has he treated these women? You can more or less expect the same treatment. I guess these are all moot points now since you're not seeing him, but any of these would have been enough to call it off. It doesn't sound like he's past any of these issues. You're wise to be rid of him. Good choice, OP his past girlfriends have told him they are "gald to be rid of him" "should have run when they first met him" just various comments he has made about them over the past few months. he seems to drive women a bit nuts. Theres always one texting him madly trying to get his attention.... he did mention last week that it is a struggle to stay off drugs. He has been clean for over 10 years, since living in this country. He came here to escape it.
Author mishy Posted December 27, 2013 Author Posted December 27, 2013 A lot of the guys I have met lately have been losers Another one was 42 had no career, called himself a peter pan is just a boy couldn't stand up to his sister who he lived with, no backbone, chased 19 yr olds.... The only great guys I know are married. Seems like the ones left have major issues 1
ExpatInItaly Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 his past girlfriends have told him they are "gald to be rid of him" "should have run when they first met him" just various comments he has made about them over the past few months. he seems to drive women a bit nuts. Theres always one texting him madly trying to get his attention.... he did mention last week that it is a struggle to stay off drugs. He has been clean for over 10 years, since living in this country. He came here to escape it. These are major warning signs. If he's openly telling you that women cannot stand him, there are serious problems. He's driving women more than "a bit" nuts. He's toxic, and he's actually telling you as much. Don't waste your time or you'll be one of them. 1
Author mishy Posted December 27, 2013 Author Posted December 27, 2013 These are major warning signs. If he's openly telling you that women cannot stand him, there are serious problems. He's driving women more than "a bit" nuts. He's toxic, and he's actually telling you as much. Don't waste your time or you'll be one of them. Theres one woman who tries to get his attention and he even wanted ME to text the reply to her. She wanted money and attention basically.... I dont know what he DOES to these women. They go nuts for him. Me too, i went a bit nuts. resulting in him sending me off to the hospital this week.... I think he was interested in me because of my perceived wealth. He has some filipino woman which he basically lied to me about from very early on, only found out later. He also is on all these dating websites, sex sites with cams. All of this he told me recently, the website stuff. Its all so messy I just wish i didnt enjoy his actual company so much. We get along really well. So partly i made this thread to just convince myself once and for all he is absolutely no good. Because i find it hard to overlook good points even when there are SO MANY bad ones. We probably will never speak again, i just want to feel better about it all, and thats its a GOOD thing
RDawg Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 Well at least he is honest and open. It's really only his present behaviour that counts I think.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 Theres one woman who tries to get his attention and he even wanted ME to text the reply to her. She wanted money and attention basically.... I dont know what he DOES to these women. They go nuts for him. Me too, i went a bit nuts. resulting in him sending me off to the hospital this week.... I think he was interested in me because of my perceived wealth. He has some filipino woman which he basically lied to me about from very early on, only found out later. He also is on all these dating websites, sex sites with cams. All of this he told me recently, the website stuff. Its all so messy I just wish i didnt enjoy his actual company so much. We get along really well. So partly i made this thread to just convince myself once and for all he is absolutely no good. Because i find it hard to overlook good points even when there are SO MANY bad ones. We probably will never speak again, i just want to feel better about it all, and thats its a GOOD thing What do you mean? And how much more convincing do you need? Sorry OP, the guy is a loser. Plain and simple. And this based solely on what he's actually told you. Can you imagine how much more you don't know about him? Yikes!! 1
Author mishy Posted December 27, 2013 Author Posted December 27, 2013 What do you mean? And how much more convincing do you need? Sorry OP, the guy is a loser. Plain and simple. And this based solely on what he's actually told you. Can you imagine how much more you don't know about him? Yikes!! yeah, i know, but you know what i mean. My heart got involved before i found a lot of stuff out. It helps so much when people say he is a loser. You have no idea how much it helps me get over it. Because there were good things about him. I kept ignoring the dodgy stuff
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