Onethirtyeight Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 In another thread it sounded like some of the women there didn't like being approached at random. Now I can get not wanting to get majorly hit on in public. That said I was getting the impression that some commenters never want any guys talking to them in public at all. Which sounds kind of antisocial to me. I just want to know what the thought process is here. I mean theoretically if the guy is pleasant enough and or good looking would you feel the same way? Obviously not all women in real life are like this and I'd actually say most do like it when a guy in their "league" tastefully hits on them.
CarrieT Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 A lot of it may have to do with circumstance… There have been days that I will playfully banter with a stranger just because I'm having a good day and the circumstances warrant it. But I'm that kind of person. Example: I learned from a very successful, polished, professional salesman that the best way to break an uncomfortable silence of being in an elevator with a stranger, is to make a comment or a joke. I do it all the time, now. My new husband thinks it is kind of weird but he has begun to see how effective it is for changing a socially uncomfortable situation into one where everyone is more at ease. In situations when I would do something like that (when I was single, about a month ago), then THAT might have been a good time for a guy to potentially hit on me. But wandering up to me with a cold approach in a grocery store or something? Probably wouldn't work… If we were both pondering a certain fruit or vegetable, maybe… Again - it is all about circumstance. 2
Ruby Slippers Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 I think the random, polite approach is one of the most romantic ways to meet. I have welcomed conversations from a few random approach guys and gone on fun dates with a couple of them. But I'm pretty old-fashioned about romance. This way of meeting seems so innocent, and fated 1
CrystalCastles Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 In another thread it sounded like some of the women there didn't like being approached at random. Now I can get not wanting to get majorly hit on in public. That said I was getting the impression that some commenters never want any guys talking to them in public at all. Which sounds kind of antisocial to me. I just want to know what the thought process is here. I mean theoretically if the guy is pleasant enough and or good looking would you feel the same way? Obviously not all women in real life are like this and I'd actually say most do like it when a guy in their "league" tastefully hits on them. I don't think they're being antisocial. I think they're just feeling uncomfortable. I find that it takes some getting used to. Also, not every guy who cold-approaches is good-looking and pleasant. I've had some pretty slimy ones approach. Ones that would touch me or blatantly oogle at my chest (I don't dress provocatively at all, unless a t-shirt and shorts over leggings while I'm working out at the gym are considered provocative; that's mainly where I've been hit on over the past while).
Author Onethirtyeight Posted December 27, 2013 Author Posted December 27, 2013 (edited) I don't think they're being antisocial. I think they're just feeling uncomfortable. I find that it takes some getting used to. Also, not every guy who cold-approaches is good-looking and pleasant. I've had some pretty slimy ones approach. Ones that would touch me or blatantly oogle at my chest (I don't dress provocatively at all, unless a t-shirt and shorts over leggings while I'm working out at the gym are considered provocative; that's mainly where I've been hit on over the past while). I get not wanting to get hit on by creeps. Lets say we're talking about a guy who looks like the kind of guy you would normally date and he has a pleasant personality, he might not be 100% your type, but he's a decent guy. He come's up to you and starts talking to you at random. You know why he's talking to you but he's not being rude or pushy. Is this a problem and why? It seems some people wouldn't want that and I don't understand it. This is all in the context that the guy is normal and can take a hint you're not interested if that's the case. Edited December 27, 2013 by Onethirtyeight
RedRobin Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 I'm ok chatting up and being polite to strangers. I'm not interested in giving any of them my private information... unless we have some other social filters in place that have already somewhat screened them in advance. Random approaches by strangers looking for romance out in the public are not welcome. Ever.
Author Onethirtyeight Posted December 27, 2013 Author Posted December 27, 2013 I'm ok chatting up and being polite to strangers. I'm not interested in giving any of them my private information... unless we have some other social filters in place that have already somewhat screened them in advance. Random approaches by strangers looking for romance out in the public are not welcome. Ever. If you ran into your type of guy at Starbucks or the laundromat and seemed to get along you wouldn't give him your number?
theothersully Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 (edited) I have never "cold approached" in my life. It's not the way to do it. What you do is be your normal, positive, fun, friendly self and talk to everyone... attractive girls, 90 year old women, other guys. Eventually, just being yourself, a girl will throw huge positive signals at you and you can talk with her more 1on1. Don't go out "hitting on" girls. It's tacky. I have to say, for a guy approaching 40, I do pretty well. I date some of the most attractive girls out there, so long as they also have inner beauty. You cannot pick these kinds of girls up. They get hit on 1000 times a day. They must come to you. Again, like getting a cat to come over. Also, if the girl makes the first indication of interest through signals and body language, you are pretty well locked in and the situation is yours to mess up, or do well with. Edited December 27, 2013 by theothersully 3
Vogeltron Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 In another thread it sounded like some of the women there didn't like being approached at random. Now I can get not wanting to get majorly hit on in public. That said I was getting the impression that some commenters never want any guys talking to them in public at all. Which sounds kind of antisocial to me. I just want to know what the thought process is here. I mean theoretically if the guy is pleasant enough and or good looking would you feel the same way? Obviously not all women in real life are like this and I'd actually say most do like it when a guy in their "league" tastefully hits on them. Not a Woman but this is my advice. You just don't want to put them on the spot. Personally if I see someone I am really attracted to. I will go up to them and tell them you "your are the most beautiful girl I have seen in a long time and I want to make sure if we ever cross paths again you at-least you know I am xxxx" Then walk away. If I happen to run across them again then you can be darn sure they remember that. If I don't then so be it. It took me a long time to learn some of these skills. I was very very shy when I was in my teens and first few years of my 20's. The more you learn to talk to random people. Both male and female and become as personable while still being yourself the more success your will have. Not just with women but just in life being able to communicate with people of all ages, gender and backgrounds goes a long way. Personally, I have learned to never put too much stock in one person. It is a big free world out there with lots and lots of people. I mean if you meet someone amazing and it works out then great. But never put yourself in a box. There may be a few well spoken and very good looking men that can pull off the public asking women out at random thing. Personally for the majority of people I think you need to take a different approach. For me mine has worked pretty well.
GemmaUK Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 It really is all down to the guy, how he behaves before and during and what he says. Sometimes it's pleasant and sometimes you cannot get away quick enough.
Graduate Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 Like Carrie said, it depends on the situation. If I am walking down the street and a guy comes up to me and says something like: 'You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Can I have your phone number?' I am assuming he is a creep and I will do my best to try and get out of there as quickly as possible. And no, it does not matter to me if he looks like a young Paul Newman. I have heard often enough that serial killers are the biggest charmers ever and can be very handsome too. So that would not sway my opinion one bit. Now, if the same guy came up to me while I am sitting at a bar and said something like 'Sorry to bother you, but the cocktail you ordered looks really delicious, can I ask you what it is called' and then a conversation develops from there and we have a good time, now if the same guy asks me for my number after half an hour, I might feel differently. Bottom line, if a guys come on too strong, says anything about how 'beautiful or sexy' I am and asks for my number too quickly, I will be turned off and try to get out of there ASAP. But if a guy is friendly, polite, not too pushy, makes a joke, etc. then I am usually happy to talk to him, even if just for some friendly conversation and not necessarily for making a romantic connection. I mean, I also have conversations with men when I am in a relationship, but I would never give them my number or go beyond very light flirting, if even that. But just a nice conversation that is fun. 5
Vogeltron Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 Like Carrie said, it depends on the situation. If I am walking down the street and a guy comes up to me and says something like: 'You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Can I have your phone number?' I am assuming he is a creep and I will do my best to try and get out of there as quickly as possible. And no, it does not matter to me if he looks like a young Paul Newman. I have heard often enough that serial killers are the biggest charmers ever and can be very handsome too. So that would not sway my opinion one bit. MY LINE!!! WRONG ENDING!!! You should be creeped out by that. Lol. If you are taking a shot at me. I never ask a random Woman for their number. I may however walk up to them tell them I think they are the most beautiful person I have seen in xx long and tell them my name and if I see them again I hope we aren't strangers and walk away. But to be that direct that is wrong. Real men make a Non-Nonchalant move and make their presence known. If it works out it works out. If you force it that is the wrong way to go.
antonio1149 Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 I have never "cold approached" in my life. It's not the way to do it. What you do is be your normal, positive, fun, friendly self and talk to everyone... attractive girls, 90 year old women, other guys. Eventually, just being yourself, a girl will throw huge positive signals at you and you can talk with her more 1on1. Don't go out "hitting on" girls. It's tacky. It sounds like you're referring to situations where you're around the same people regularly (work, school, workshops, gym) and can afford to "take your time." If you're lucky enough to be in those situations, great. I think I represent the majority, though--don't regularly meet women through work or other types of organized activity. So a lot of my encounters with women are those brief, transient run-ins at the grocery story or post office where you either have to make a quick move or it's goodbye probably forever. If you hold back because it's "creepy," you lose most opportunities. I concur, though, that most women view any kind of approach by a stranger, not matter how good looking and charming, as automatically "creepy." I have to say, for a guy approaching 40, I do pretty well. I date some of the most attractive girls out there, so long as they also have inner beauty. You cannot pick these kinds of girls up. They get hit on 1000 times a day. They must come to you. Again, like getting a cat to come over. Where are you meeting all these extremely attractive women?
antonio1149 Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 Like Carrie said, it depends on the situation. If I am walking down the street and a guy comes up to me and says something like: 'You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Can I have your phone number?' I am assuming he is a creep and I will do my best to try and get out of there as quickly as possible. And no, it does not matter to me if he looks like a young Paul Newman. I have heard often enough that serial killers are the biggest charmers ever and can be very handsome too. So that would not sway my opinion one bit. What could a guy say to you on the street that would not cause you to automatically label him a creep or a serial killer?
CarrieT Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 What could a guy say to you on the street that would not cause you to automatically label him a creep or a serial killer? On a street - randomly? - probably NOTHING. There needs to be a mutual social setting of some consequence for there to be a reason to approach stranger. 4
Vogeltron Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 What could a guy say to you on the street that would not cause you to automatically label him a creep or a serial killer? Seriously did I not just tell you?
Graduate Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 What could a guy say to you on the street that would not cause you to automatically label him a creep or a serial killer? 'Hi' accompanied with a smile AND THEN WALKING ON AND LEAVING ME ALONE! It sometimes happens that I cross eyes with someone coming my direction and if he smiles and I smile back, that is a pleasant experience which gives me a warm feeling for a moment. Now if the same guy stopped and said - even something low-pressure - like 'Hey, how are you doing?', I might think he has ruined it. I cannot think of any scenario in which I would give someone my phone number when they approached me while walking down the street. It would make me think that he is weird or desperate, or hits on everything that moves. I mean, you don't even know me, and I know I don't look like a supermodel, so why are you trying to get my number? Don't you know any woman in real life? Do all those women hate you for some reason? etc. Like I said, when you see me walking down the street that is definitely NOT the moment to hit on me. But that is me, maybe other women don't mind? 1
Vogeltron Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 'Hi' accompanied with a smile AND THEN WALKING ON AND LEAVING ME ALONE! It sometimes happens that I cross eyes with someone coming my direction and if he smiles and I smile back, that is a pleasant experience which gives me a warm feeling for a moment. Now if the same guy stopped and said - even something low-pressure - like 'Hey, how are you doing?', I might think he has ruined it. I cannot think of any scenario in which I would give someone my phone number when they approached me while walking down the street. It would make me think that he is weird or desperate, or hits on everything that moves. I mean, you don't even know me, and I know I don't look like a supermodel, so why are you trying to get my number? Don't you know any woman in real life? Do all those women hate you for some reason? etc. Like I said, when you see me walking down the street that is definitely NOT the moment to hit on me. But that is me, maybe other women don't mind? Not sure about the U.K. But it is always the right time to hit on women. You just have to understand the situation and how to go about it. I agree being over aggressive is most likely wrong. But as I have found putting feelers out there here and there over the years. Little things to make sure you are noticed etc. Go a long long way. My problem is I am meeting the opposite of the type of Woman I would like to meet. Probably the same as everyone else on here. I suppose we live and we learn. So be it.
theothersully Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 It sounds like you're referring to situations where you're around the same people regularly (work, school, workshops, gym) and can afford to "take your time." If you're lucky enough to be in those situations, great. I think I represent the majority, though--don't regularly meet women through work or other types of organized activity. So a lot of my encounters with women are those brief, transient run-ins at the grocery story or post office where you either have to make a quick move or it's goodbye probably forever. If you hold back because it's "creepy," you lose most opportunities. I concur, though, that most women view any kind of approach by a stranger, not matter how good looking and charming, as automatically "creepy." Where are you meeting all these extremely attractive women? Not at all. I travel constantly and have one, single shot with most anyone I meet. When I'm in the mood, I will be fun and friendly in different Whole Foods, in hotel lobbies, in clubs, in any door situation, holding doors for people, in adverse situations you get stuck in together. The top women from a looks perspective have a huge wall up. They often do not enjoy all that attention in public. The don't want you coming up to cold approach because that is what everyone does to them. I meet girls in these situations and online as well, then immediately meet them in real life.. no long messaging bs.... meet up within 2 messages. That's it. Nothing else. The secret is not where you meet them. It's how you go about it all. If you're just like every other guy hitting on girls, you are not going to do well.
GemmaUK Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 I have to admit that the majority of approaches I have had have been sleazy or intimidating in some way..or actually just plain frightening. Some are pleasant as I said but sometimes you just have to rely on instinct especially if you are alone. Where and when approaches happen also does play a role as well.
Chocolat Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 Personally if I see someone I am really attracted to. I will go up to them and tell them you "your are the most beautiful girl I have seen in a long time and I want to make sure if we ever cross paths again you at-least you know I am xxxx" Then walk away. If I happen to run across them again then you can be darn sure they remember that. If I don't then so be it. I would hate this. I speak to people in public all the time. The idea of walking around isolated is slightly mind-boggling to me, and I am an introvert! If I am at Starbucks or in the supermarket and conversation can be struck up organically, I am all for it. I once dated a guy I met in my doctor's waiting room. The key is that the conversation has to start about a joke, or an interest, or an observation, NOT as a hit on me. Then, if we click a bit, it's fine to ask me out. I guess I am a mix of Carrie and Ruby! 1
Elias33 Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 The situation is important here. And before you approach, pick up on non-verbal cues first. Don't ask for a number, and definitely don't try to be smooth. The Casanova act may work in a club but you have to remember your surroundings. Leave your ego at home and mind your own non-verbal cues/body language. It's always a gamble, be cool about being rejected.
fortyninethousand322 Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 Look, I would never recommend that a fellow man approach strange women in any social context. Be it in college classroom, a book club, the grocery store, the gym, at work, wherever. Women don't go to those places to be hit on, they go there to do what they need and leave. Don't be a creeper...
RedRobin Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 If you ran into your type of guy at Starbucks or the laundromat and seemed to get along you wouldn't give him your number? No. I MIGHT arrange to meet them again (doubtful)... but he would not have my personal information for quite some time.
Author Onethirtyeight Posted December 27, 2013 Author Posted December 27, 2013 What if I told you they rarely seem to be creeped out? The reason I have this question is it seems so strange compared to how things normally go for me. I normally have no major issues meeting women at Starbucks or on the bus or airport or whatever and getting their number. As in for the most part they're not creeped out if I start talking to them and maybe after 10 minutes when its time to part ways I can end up with a number. Doesn't always happen and I can tell when its not working and leave but it does happen often enough that's usually how I get dates. I don't date women I work with, or friends of friends, so I don't really have any other good way to meet women.
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