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Is clingy bad? Or should I meet someone that will give the attention I need?

freebird31

By freebird31
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freebird31 Established Member

freebird31

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Alright so, I have been led to really think about relationships in general. And long story short:

 

Me and my ex broke up because...well, sometimes I don't even know the exact reason why we broke up. I think it was because I was a little clingy and he had just gotten this job and was spending all his time on his career goals. When he had extra time, I would resent him for spending time with his friends or going to the gym. Honestly, I dont even know if maybe I was a little too clingy...or if he was really taking me for granted. Till this day 8 months post BU, i STILL dont have the answers to all of this.

 

My Question!:

ANYWAY, my friend suggested that maybe I "should date someone who is just as clingy as i am" OKAY. This just really HAD me thinking.

 

First, when me and my ex were together, HE was the one that was more independent and comfortable with doing his own thing. I, on the other hand, wanted to spend all my time with him, and sometimes I made him my first priority. Sometimes, i was a little co-dependent.

 

After breaking up (he broke it off), I realized I NEED to be alone, to learn to be happy on my own. I wanted to be single for as long as i can so i can learn to be strong and independent. So that in my future relationships I will NOT be clingy. I want to be the type of person in the relationship that is independent and wont be phased or feel lonely if my future boyfriend wants to do his own thing (going out with his friends). I want to be comfortable being independent. I dont want to ever be clingy.

 

After my friend suggested that I meet someone who is clingy like i am, this REALLY had me thinking. Maybe my friend is right. Can a person who is clingy like me even change their clingy personality traits? I would love to be independent. Im so confused. Maybe my clingy ways are not something that cannot even be changed. Myabe my ex just didnt put enough effort, and i should meet someone who wants to put more focus on the relationship.

 

IM SO CONFUSED. My point is, is it even worth putting all my time and energy into growing and becoming an independent young lady? Or maybe i should be setting my standards higher by meeting someone who will give me the attention I need.

 

YUCK^^^ I already sound clingy writing this. idk. im so confused. Adivce and thoughts on this would help.

 

Im such an over-analyzer i know /:

 

BUT is being clingy a bad thing? And is it something one should change? OR should one find someone that will meet my needs? :( i dont want to be a clingy gf, but looking back, i sort of was. I dont like that about myself. Funny that i have only realized this EIGHT months later!

Edited by freebird31
robbysurfs Established Member

robbysurfs

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Just be you maybe you dont have to figure it out today. Maybe your just picking the wrong dudes. My point is its all experience and you will do it again and succeed in some and fail in some but ya do it anyhow. I wouldnt think to hard about it cause the right guy will want you around or clingy so you call it...

 

"When you are content to be simply yourself and don't compare or compete, everybody will respect you."

 

Lao Tzu

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Riou Established Member

Riou

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Can you give more examples on you being clingy?It might not even be the case,he could be avoiding you and spending less time with you because he wanted to break up.

somedude81 Established Member

somedude81

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Meh, after how my last relationship turned out, I wouldn't mind a girl that was a bit clingy.

 

My ex was very independent and confident and one of the reasons she gave for breaking up with me was that I liked her more than she liked me :rolleyes:

theothersully Established Member

theothersully

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Be yourself and stay clingy.

 

I would prefer a "clingy" girl for a serious relationship. There needs to be more women with emotion in this world. Too many robots and ones that push their feelings aside.

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2fargone Established Member

2fargone

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Ok, despite what the general idea is about being clingy, here it goes:

 

 

My ex was very clingy. Told me she loves me about 10 times a day at least. Needed cuddling on the sofa every evening. Would call me what time I'd be home from work if I wasn't home early (I should work unitll 5, usually am home before that). Would look at me with puppy eyes and say 'please dont leave me' when she had to go back to her country for 3 weeks. She wanted to hold my hand or sit on my lap if I was home, needed alot of attention. It's hard to describe I guess...

 

 

I liked it. I could handle it. I am a very calm person, and this fitted well with her. Yet the clingy comes from insecurity. And that got the best of her. Eventually what killed us was that she created negative thoughts about me, without checking for facts and communicating them with me.

 

 

What I have learned from this, is that even if things look great, I will certainly keep communication going next time and talk to my partner even if she doesn't come up with anything or I don't feel the need to....

 

 

I think being clingy isn't a bad thing perse, you just have to find the right person to be with. Changing it is very hard, if not impossible.

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theothersully Established Member

theothersully

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2fargone... clingy is good.. but communication is essential. She sounds clingy, but wirh poor communication skills. Two different things, imo.

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Woggle Established Member

Woggle

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2fargone... clingy is good.. but communication is essential. She sounds clingy, but wirh poor communication skills. Two different things, imo.

 

Clingy is not good because often the only reason they are that way is because you are pulling back. It's classic want what you can't have syndrome.

2fargone Established Member

2fargone

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2fargone... clingy is good.. but communication is essential. She sounds clingy, but wirh poor communication skills. Two different things, imo.

 

 

 

I think it goes hand in hand. It's a package deal... clingy, insecure, therefore not communicating (trying to remain in control, afraid of what might happen, etc. etc. )

theothersully Established Member

theothersully

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Clingy is not good because often the only reason they are that way is because you are pulling back. It's classic want what you can't have syndrome.

 

Idk... in my experience, some girls are just clingy, no matter if they "have you" or not. I enjoy this. It's fun. I enjoy letting go of myself and sharing a relationship at full co dependent, clingy mode. It's nice. I have a very strong sense of self as might be gleaned from my often over the top life experiences. I have a strong personality. I enjoy letting go of this and "melding" with a romantic partner, taking her personality in like smelling a bouquet of flowers you have never smelled before. If she smothers me and or is clingy while I am smelling these flowers, it's more enjoyable because I can really feel her on a deeper level due to the closeness.

 

A lot of people, I think, are scared of being this close to another human being. I love it.

 

I've definitely has great communicators that were also clingy. 2_nd longest relationship was with one.

Woggle Established Member

Woggle

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Idk... in my experience, some girls are just clingy, no matter if they "have you" or not. I enjoy this. It's fun. I enjoy letting go of myself and sharing a relationship at full co dependent, clingy mode. It's nice. I have a very strong sense of self as might be gleaned from my often over the top life experiences. I have a strong personality. I enjoy letting go of this and "melding" with a romantic partner, taking her personality in like smelling a bouquet of flowers you have never smelled before. If she smothers me and or is clingy while I am smelling these flowers, it's more enjoyable because I can really feel her on a deeper level due to the closeness.

 

A lot of people, I think, are scared of being this close to another human being. I love it.

 

As long as it doesn't become controlling I do prefer this to a cold and emotionless robot.

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d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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Yes, clingy is a bad thing. Expressing your desire for your partner is good.

 

 

When you said you resented the fact that your BF did not spend all of his free time with you & you were bothered by the fact that he had a new career, friends & went to the gym, that was clingy in a bad way. Nobody can spend 24/7/365 together. It's not healthy.

 

 

Expecting a text or call during the day, more time together than apart & expressions of affection is not clingy.

 

 

Some people do need more attention than others. You are one of them & it's OK for you to want to find a man who gives you that. Your BF wasn't doing that for you but the more you pushed for it, the father he ran because he felt smothered.

2fargone Established Member

2fargone

Posted
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As long as it doesn't become controlling I do prefer this to a cold and emotionless robot.

 

 

 

I think it is controlling in a way, if you think about it rationally. Someone being that clingy and needy, kinda gives you little room to even express something by yourself instead of as a reaction to her. But it can work very well for 2 people.

 

 

I really don't think if you never experienced it, one can imagine just how clingy clingy can be.... It does take strenght and energy from the other person.

xUnknown Established Member

xUnknown

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My point is, is it even worth putting all my time and energy into growing and becoming an independent young lady?

 

 

Yes. Everyone needs to be independent in a relationship. Go with your gut...if your gut says perhaps you were being too clingy, you most likely were. Do what you had planned, be single, be on your own, do your own thing. When the next guy comes along you want to date, you'll know how to be on your own - thus that dependency factor won't be an issue - well, at least in that respect.

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freebird31 Established Member

freebird31

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Can you give more examples on you being clingy?It might not even be the case,he could be avoiding you and spending less time with you because he wanted to break up.

 

Well, I was possibly clingy in more than one way. Physical/affectionate wise, I enjoyed always holding my partners hand or being physically close to him in some way. If we went out together to a party, I liked being by his side. (Mostly bc I did not know other people at the parties he took me to)

 

Emotionally wise, what u mean by "clingy", is that whenever my ex would go out with his friends, I would deeply miss him. I tried to not express this bc I did not want him to think I was overly clingy. So most of the them I kept it to myself. If he wanted to go out with his friends sometimes I said I didn't care. Even tho I missed him. I even encouraged him to go out with his friend sometimes.

 

BUT it wasn't until he got this job, I noticed he had NO time for me. We talked every single day whether it be by text or call. There was a day I didn't hear from him THE wHole day!!! He said he never got my message (which was prob true bc his phone company sucked) but never bothered to call me or text me that day. I felt so hurt. And expressed this to him which led to a minor argument. he said he was really busy that day. (Which got me thinking I was being clingy) He was always so busy. And the break up occurred when...well, I had not seen him in one week due to out schedules and the weeken finally came. I expected us to hang out since this was the only free time we both had. Instead he told me he was going to his friends house. I exploded and our relationship ultimately ended. :(

 

The thing is he wasn't avoiding me on purpose. Before he had this job, we spent all the time in the world together. But the month he got this job, it really replaced me. Idk.

 

So point is, I STILL don't know if I was clingy? Or if he should have put more effort? Or maybe better communication skills? It bothers me so much. I don't ever want to be the type of gf again who feels like I need my partner more than they need me. I absolutely hate that feeling . But maybe it's not something g I should changed about MYSELF? Maybe it's something I need in my future partner.....

Edited by freebird31
KathyM Established Member

KathyM

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It's not good to be clingy. Being clingy is the result of insecurity and fear of abandonment. People need well integrated lives where they have several areas that they find fulfillment in life (such as from their career, their friends, their interests, their family, their spirituality, etc.) When a person has a well integrated life, they tend to be happier and are a less demanding/needy relationship partner. Of course, they should still devote their primary attention to the relationship, but to expect a partner to be everything to you and to spend all of his free time with you can feel smothering to him, and is not healthy. He needs to make time for other things as well, and so do you. I would encourage you to pursue other interests and have a more well rounded life so that you can keep a better balance in your next relationship. My son had a girlfriend who was super clingy. She resented any time he spent with friends or his brothers, and would try to interfere with that. She also resented any time he spent on sports or academics, and demanded so much of his time, that it was not healthy for him. Fortunately, they are no longer together.

2fargone Established Member

2fargone

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I don't think you are THAT clingy. Maybe a little. Less than my ex I suppose. However, clingy/needy people tend to be attracted to the exact opposite. And that's where it usually goes wrong...

 

 

 

 

IMO he should have made more time for you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well, I was possibly clingy in more than one way. Physical/affectionate wise, I enjoyed always holding my partners hand or being physically close to him in some way. If we went out together to a party, I liked being by his side. (Mostly bc I did not know other people at the parties he took me to)

 

Emotionally wise, what u mean by "clingy", is that whenever my ex would go out with his friends, I would deeply miss him. I tried to not express this bc I did not want him to think I was overly clingy. So most of the them I kept it to myself. If he wanted to go out with his friends sometimes I said I didn't care. Even tho I missed him. I even encouraged him to go out with his friend sometimes.

 

BUT it wasn't until he got this job, I noticed he had NO time for me. We talked every single day whether it be by text or call. There was a day I didn't hear from him THE wHole day!!! He said he never got my message (which was prob true bc his phone company sucked) but never bothered to call me or text me that day. I felt so hurt. And expressed this to him which led to a minor argument. he said he was really busy that day. (Which got me thinking I was being clingy) He was always so busy. And the break up occurred when...well, I had not seen him in one week due to out schedules and the weeken finally came. I expected us to hang out since this was the only free time we both had. Instead he told me he was going to his friends house. I exploded and our relationship ultimately ended. :(

 

The thing is he wasn't avoiding me on purpose. Before he had this job, we spent all the time in the world together. But the month he got this job, it really replaced me. Idk.

 

So point is, I STILL don't know if I was clingy? Or if he should have put more effort? Or maybe better communication skills? It bothers me so much. I don't ever want to be the type of gf again who feels like I need my partner more than they need me. I absolutely hate that feeling . But maybe it's not something g I should changed about MYSELF? Maybe it's something I need in my future partner.....

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freebird31 Established Member

freebird31

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I don't think you are THAT clingy. Maybe a little. Less than my ex I suppose. However, clingy/needy people tend to be attracted to the exact opposite. And that's where it usually goes wrong...

 

 

 

 

IMO he should have made more time for you.

 

 

I think you are right, but sometimes I feel like if he were to have spent more time with me he was never going to have time for himself. Either he spent time with me or his friends. I didn't and would NEVER make him choose. But he was so freaken busy all the time:( and I think he had horrible time management so that was another thing. Everything was perfect until he got that stupid job. I guess he just wasn't ready to commit and put his extra energy, the energy he had left, in the relationship. I wish I had all these answers. But it was a bad break up too :( did not end well whatsoever

pickflicker Established Member

pickflicker

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The reason I see clingy as bad, is because a relationship is an unreliable place to expect to receive all of your emotional fulfillment. I have a friend who used to do this - she abandons everyone and everything when she gets into a relationship, only to have it end and then she reappears, expecting people she calls "friends" to plug the emotional holes until the next man comes along.

 

Unsurprisingly, we drifted apart. I'm not a fan of blatant favoritism.

 

People, however much we want them to be, aren't constants in our life. But hobbies, interests, learning etc, they can be. So think about what you can do when your man is out with his friends. Can you take up a hobby or a course? Do some volunteering? Meet some friends of your own to go out with? You'll find if you let the reins go a bit, your man will be much more likely to miss you. And a little "missing the other person" is very good for a relationship.

 

You can have your own life and a relationship, and that's the best way to be. :)

Edited by pickflicker
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freebird31 Established Member

freebird31

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The reason I see clingy as bad, is because a relationship is an unreliable place to expect to receive all of your emotional fulfillment. I have a friend who used to do this - she abandons everyone and everything when she gets into a relationship, only to have it end and then she reappears, expecting people she calls "friends" to plug the emotional holes until the next man comes along.

 

Unsurprisingly, we drifted apart. I'm not a fan of blatant favoritism.

 

People, however much we want them to be, aren't constants in our life. But hobbies, interests, learning etc, they can be. So think about what you can do when your man is out with his friends. Can you take up a hobby or a course? Do some volunteering? Meet some friends of your own to go out with? You'll find if you let the reins go a bit, your man will be much more likely to miss you. And a little "missing the other person" is very good for a relationship.

 

You can have your own life and a relationship, and that's the best way to be. :)

 

You have a point. But the thing is I'm more of a home body. If I go out with my friends to have a drink it's maybe once a month at the most. I enjoy staying indoors. Besides that, I go to school full time and have a part time job on the side. I'm always busy with that stuff. But my ex was EXTRA busy. And we were opposites in the sense that he was more of an extrovert and I am more of an introvert. I went to parties more for him than for myself. But even though we were different, we always met each other in the middle somehow. We made it fair so that we both got what we wanted. Like for example, we would watch a movie and have a date night some weekends and other weekends I tagged along with him to go to a party he wanted to go to. Or I told him, even encouraged him to have a night out with his guy friends while I stayed at home. I tried to be as generous as I possibly could. My only other hobbies are going to the gym and I've recently have taken a liking in hiking. Other than that, I honestly would prefer staying relaxing at home watching a movie. Is that considered a hobby? I don't know why it felt like I missed him more often than he missed me. This is frustrating. I don't want this to repeat in my future relationship ugh /:

Edited by freebird31
pickflicker Established Member

pickflicker

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You have a point. But the thing is I'm more of a home body. If I go out with my friends to have a drink it's maybe once a month at the most. I enjoy staying indoors. Besides that, I go to school full time and have a part time job on the side. I'm always busy with that stuff. But my ex was EXTRA busy. And we were opposites in the sense that he was more of an extrovert and I am more of an introvert. I went to parties more for him than for myself. My only other hobbies are going to the gym and I've recently have taken a liking in hiking. Other than that, I honestly would prefer staying relaxing at home watching a movie. Is that considered a hobby? I don't know why it felt like I missed him more often than he missed me. This is frustrating. I don't want this to repeat in my future relationship ugh /:

 

The short answer is, men can compartmentalize a lot better than women. When he's our with his mates, busy with career, etc, etc, his focus is not 100% on you. Therefore, he's not thinking about you as much. It's not that he didn't love you, you're just one facet of a busy life.

 

I think ultimately, he just wasn't suited to you. Opposites attract is a bit of a fallacy. I think you need to look for a more introverted person. Put introverted on your OLD profile.

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freebird31 Established Member

freebird31

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The short answer is, men can compartmentalize a lot better than women. When he's our with his mates, busy with career, etc, etc, his focus is not 100% on you. Therefore, he's not thinking about you as much. It's not that he didn't love you, you're just one facet of a busy life.

 

I think ultimately, he just wasn't suited to you. Opposites attract is a bit of a fallacy. I think you need to look for a more introverted person. Put introverted on your OLD profile.

 

Oh ...well, great. Now my next thread is going to be about if introverts and extroverts can ever possibly be compatible lol....jk. But on a serious note, Idk I guess you're right. Our relationship didn't last long enough (8 months) for me to even figure out if that was a problem. Like I said, even though we were different we somehow met each other in the middle so we both got what we wanted. Would our different personality traits might lead to incompatibility? I don't know. And I guess I will never know now. Like I said, I still don't even know, 8 months later post breakup, what the real reason is why we are not together...

pickflicker Established Member

pickflicker

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Oh ...well, great. Now my next thread is going to be about if introverts and extroverts can ever possibly be compatible lol....jk. But on a serious note, Idk I guess you're right. Our relationship didn't last long enough (8 months) for me to even figure out if that was a problem. Like I said, even though we were different we somehow met each other in the middle so we both got what we wanted. Would our different personality traits might lead to incompatibility? I don't know. And I guess I will never know now. Like I said, I still don't even know, 8 months later post breakup, what the real reason is why we are not together...

 

I'm a bit of both. I like to go out and have adventures (I like adventure travel, for example), I have hobbies, I go out with friends quite a bit and I like my downtime as well with a movie. Someone who wanted to stay in all the time, would not suit me. I would just end up going out without them.

 

You were only ever attending parties for him. That's a huge red flag you probably should have seen. Occasionally, yes, we attend something for our partner, but if it's all the time, I feel it's a sign that you're not compatible long term.

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freebird31 Established Member

freebird31

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I'm a bit of both. I like to go out and have adventures (I like adventure travel, for example), I have hobbies, I go out with friends quite a bit and I like my downtime as well with a movie. Someone who wanted to stay in all the time, would not suit me. I would just end up going out without them.

 

You were only ever attending parties for him. That's a huge red flag you probably should have seen. Occasionally, yes, we attend something for our partner, but if it's all the time, I feel it's a sign that you're not compatible long term.

 

Ok...I think I didn't make myself clear at all lol. Maybe because I am still trying to figure myself out. By going out, I mean partying as in drinking all the crazy stuff. I enjoy going in adventures. Amusement parks, visiting sites, working out with my partner, going to the beach. My ex partner on the other hand, preferred drinking with his buds. Not my type of fun. Not for every weekend anyway. I guess I'm not a COMPLETE home body. What I meant is, I'm not so much into this partying scene. I'll also add we are both 21. I had asked him a few times if he wanted to go hike to the holly wood sign, I liked to do those type of things. For him, fun is partying with his friends. I don't care if if his friend did other stuff like Idk BOWLING. But nope, all the like to do is party. So that's what I mean by I went for him. If his friends did things I liked, then maybe I can say I enjoyed going. Ugh, I'm confused.

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