jess_ie Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 Tonight my live-in BF (we are 25-me and 32-him) told me he was going to have a couple of friends over. I cleaned our place to make it presentable and also offered to make dinner for them. I made lots of stuff...shrimp, salad, garlic bread, pizza, snacks. They ate and loved it. We had some drinks together and were having a good time. Then BF told me "okay, we are having a cab pick us up now to go to _____ bar." I was not invited and they left their mess of dishes. They did multiple shots before they left and were very drunk. They have been out now for two hours and I assume they will be out until the early AM. I was not asked if I would like to join. I am just trying to clean up the mess. I feel a bit sad. How would you feel?
Eau Claire Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 I could care less if it was a rare occurrence and your boyfriend doesn't have a drinking problem. Let him off the leash to have guy time. If it is a pattern, then a red flag goes up.
Author jess_ie Posted December 27, 2013 Author Posted December 27, 2013 I could care less if it was a rare occurrence and your boyfriend doesn't have a drinking problem. Let him off the leash to have guy time. If it is a pattern, then a red flag goes up. I guess I don't care as much about them having a guys night as I feel like I slaved over making a nice meal and clean place for them but wasn't even invited to partake in the festivities. I guess this is my lesson to learn.
fortyninethousand322 Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 I have thoughts and words, but they aren't positive ones... 1
emva07 Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 stupid for playing the home-maker role just to have it blow up in my face. It's a guy's night, of course you won't get invited. Leave all those dishes out so that when he's sober tomorrow he can take care of them. 1
Eau Claire Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 I guess I don't care as much about them having a guys night as I feel like I slaved over making a nice meal and clean place for them but wasn't even invited to partake in the festivities. I guess this is my lesson to learn. Laugh with me. You cleaned before he had guys over ? I clean afterwards...and the next day he cleans the bathroom. I know you want him to acknowledge the effort but is he usually insensitive or is this an exception?
Author jess_ie Posted December 27, 2013 Author Posted December 27, 2013 stupid for playing the home-maker role just to have it blow up in my face. It's a guy's night, of course you won't get invited. Leave all those dishes out so that when he's sober tomorrow he can take care of them. I suppose I wish he would have made that obvious when I offered to do all that stuff for him. He has had friends over in the past and never excluded me like this. So I didn't realize it was a "guys only" type of thing or else I would not have slaved over dinner and cleaning.
emva07 Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 it was your choice to slave, slaves don't partake in the festivities. yes, lesson learned, next time they can pregame with a can of peanuts and pretzels that THEY will have to serve themselves. 4
Author jess_ie Posted December 27, 2013 Author Posted December 27, 2013 it was your choice to slave, slaves don't partake in the festivities. yes, lesson learned, next time they can pregame with a can of peanuts and pretzels that THEY will have to serve themselves. Yes you are very right!
emva07 Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 oh....and my crazy latina would come out and i'd bolt the door and he'd sleep outside...but I don't advise that part. 1
Eau Claire Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 On the positive side, I have always found it good when a partner has a group of males friends. They revert back to some primitive boyhood behaviour. Slobs, bad jokes, go to a football game or whatever. It gets something out of their system. Also, like a mother, I know who they are with.
emva07 Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 On the positive side, I have always found it good when a partner has a group of males friends. They revert back to some primitive boyhood behaviour. Slobs, bad jokes, go to a football game or whatever. It gets something out of their system. Also, like a mother, I know who they are with. this is true...and that is why from the beginning you let them know if you are that kind of girl (that slaves away so they can slobber the place up with no gratitude or help) or not.
Eau Claire Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 Well, most guys are just as happy with a pizza and bag of Cheezies. We women prepare things for company because, in part, we want positive feedback. Guys could care less if there are christmas napkins instead of paper towels. 'Gee, I like the matching towels in the bathroom'. My guy doesn't even notice mismatched socks. Anyways, give him a big hug and kiss, then hand him a mop.
Cinnimon Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 I'm curious, did he let you know that he would be going out to the bar later in the evening BEFORE the guys came over or did you just think they were just going to hang out at the house? 2
Poppyolive Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 I think that was sweet of you to offer to make snacks for your boyfriend & his buddies nothing wrong with that, he told you he was having friends round, you offered to tidy up & make food. Now when it came to pub time, I guess you guys didn't have plans together, and I feel you its sad that you weren't included, however it sounds like it wasnt discussed, only the part that he was having a boys night. Did you suggest going with them or did you feel it was his night out? ..it's a tough one, ive been in that situation and I'm sure he just didn't think....caught up in the boys moment...it's good for them to switch off and have a boys night...and you are now left feeling sad and annoyed..therefore cleaning up & doing the dishes is in anger...totally understand ....you came here for advice because you are questioning whether its right or wrong to feel pissed off....looking at it from his side he said boys night, friends coming round, we're going to the pub thats all...he probably assumed it was all good. Now you feel left out...the tidying & cooking right up to the cleaning the dishes were all your super kind gestures....its wonderful...but i think you are working yourself up...he didn't ask you to do these things you went out of your way kindly to do so...so for that I dont think you should be angry...at him. Instead work it out and let it go. Know you did a wonderful thing helping his boys night along. So shake off the work you chose to do....if you still feel upset you could let him know tomorrow that you felt left out, thought you'd be invited...and hear what he has to say . take it as right now he doesnt know if he's done something wrong...and you need to stop building on your anger, let it go & talk about it tomorrow. Ive totally rambled on and on....feel better xxx
Vogeltron Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 Sounds like guys night out to me. Maybe he should have explained it better. But if you had all your girlfriends come over for Margaritas or whatever then left suddenly to go to the bars without him. Wouldn't it be the same thing? I mean it is all relative. You should get on his case for not telling him WTF is going on. But at some point all men need to step away from a relationship and have some guy time. It is healthy it is normal. You should be pissed off about him not telling you that was the plan. But none the less nothing to get too worked up about. If I where you I would be planning girls night out to counter it.
Graduate Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 Tonight my live-in BF (we are 25-me and 32-him) told me he was going to have a couple of friends over. I cleaned our place to make it presentable and also offered to make dinner for them. I made lots of stuff...shrimp, salad, garlic bread, pizza, snacks. They ate and loved it. We had some drinks together and were having a good time. Then BF told me "okay, we are having a cab pick us up now to go to _____ bar." I was not invited and they left their mess of dishes. They did multiple shots before they left and were very drunk. They have been out now for two hours and I assume they will be out until the early AM. I was not asked if I would like to join. I am just trying to clean up the mess. I feel a bit sad. How would you feel? Was it just male friends? If so, I would not feel bad for not being invited. If there were some women among them, I would feel rejected. About the mess, do you have a dishwasher and is everything cleared off in less than 30 minutes? If so, I would let it go and just hope he has a fun night. If it takes you two hours to clean up everything, I would expect him to do the cleaning up the next time I have some friends over and go out with them after a few drinks.
emva07 Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 I don't understand why everyone is saying let it go. If she lets it go he will think it's OK for her to spend hours in the kitchen cooking for his boys and cleaning afterwards. It will become expected if she doesn't say anything. Not saying that she should go crazy but at least comment that her cooking and cleaning like a good 1950s housewife ain't gonna happen again.
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