Am I boring her?

[Nony101]

I know I posted about this a while ago as well, but things are starting to get progressively worse again. With the holidays my SO has been extremely stressed out. We haven't had much time to ourselves where it's just been about us. The first part of this week was just terrible. She was snapping at me pretty consistently and it was really starting to wear me down. I couldn't do anything right, and no matter what I did, it was wrong. It REALLY bummed me out, especially since our relationship has really taken a back burner to the holidays and pretty much anything else. It's just frustrating.

She hasn't been staying over hardly anymore, and when she does she falls asleep on the couch really early. (I mean she's obviously tired, there's nothing wrong with that). I love going to bed with her and cuddling with her, but if she sleeps on the couch, I can't really do that. She may as well sleep at her own apartment.

Some of our friends asked me if we wanted to go to dinner a while back, she said no. So I went by myself and told her I would text when I was done to see if it was still good to come over to her place(since she hasn't been coming to my apartment recently). I texted her, and she just replied "come if you want". I mean obviously I want to see her, but that didn't really sound like she wanted to see me. It was later, and I figured she'd probably be going to bed fairly soon anyway since she was tired so I ended up just going back to my apartment. She texted me that she missed me because it had been a few days since we saw each other. I contemplated going over, but it just didn't seem like she wanted me to, and had I offered, it would have turned into a whole "well I don't want you to come if you don't want to" sort of thing.

We used to see each other every day, but lately we've been going 2-3 days without seeing each other. Quite frankly I think I'm boring her, and I feel like I'm losing her. I'm a "safe" and "dependable" person, that's always going to be there for her, so she doesn't have to fight to keep me around. Does that make any sense? So I think I'm mundane and boring her. I guess that's just what it feels like seeing as how it's obvious she's okay without seeing me for a few days. She usually stays with me, since I don't have roomates and it's closer to her work.

I know relationships are give and take, but it feels like I'm giving a lot, what can I do to get win her back? She just doesn't seem all that excited to see me anymore.

[Nony101]

Is the problem that I'm not being enough of a challenge for her? Honestly, I don't want to play games, and I just want to be myself and love her and take care of her. Is it even true that you should just be yourself anymore?

[PegNosePete]

You've been putting in all the effort lately - now it's her turn. Don't bother initiating contact with her. If she doesn't initiate contact with you then she obviously doesn't really care that much. If she does - good!

[Elias33]

Stop assuming. What you read in her text doesn't mean she knows that. Be aware of what your thoughts do, caused by her actions . Many issues arise when one person in the relationship assumes things while no real communication takes place. Stop thinking:maybe she doesn't want to. You've got to regain your confidence. Just think like this; if she doesn't want me, wouldn't she tell me?

 

All it takes is a little talk to clear things up. It may be possible that she in fact finds you boring and doesn't communicate this with you, but why contribute to these games? Play the part in which you engage a conversation about all this in an honest and calm manner. Tell her how important she is for you and how she makes you feel, or even better, how you make yourself feel by her actions. Be kind, be calm, and remember you love this girl. If things turn out to be true, at least you know now, without wasting her or your own time.

 

If you want to see her, go out and see her, be honest to yourself and express your feelings for her. Accept that feelings are not always mutual, but don't be afraid to find them out. Good luck, and don't think about all the things you do and she doesn't. Be in it, or without it. Measure if it all still worth it to you and act on it.

[GemmaUK]

People can still be themselves and be in a relationship but have hobbies and do other things that take up their time as well.

 

Sounds like maybe you are too available all the time?

If you are then she won't be having any opportunity to miss you at all and may even feel smothered.

 

Get some hobbies, get busy doing some things you enjoy so that you have other focuses. It's an ideal time..New Year resolution time!

[Nony101]

Thank you for the insight, sometimes it feels good just to get on here and discuss things with people.

She did end up texting me this morning telling me she's starting to get sick. I'll probably run some soup over or something after I get home from work, and text her to get well soon. That's literally all she said though. No I love you or anything like that. Weird...

I'm not going to sit here and tell you that I'm perfect and that I'm doing everything right, but at the same time I do feel like I put her first and how she feels. I feel like she knows that I love her. I just don't seem to feel the same feeling from her? When I brought it up once, she got extremely defensive and broke down crying. I told her I loved her, but that is the way I feel. I tried to hold my ground, but I ended up apologizing for hurting her feelings. Things were better for a little while, but they're slipping back. I just don't feel loved when she snaps at me or makes snide remarks, and then does nothing to reconcile when it's obvious it bothers me, and I've told her that. Especially this past week where I couldn't do anything right, it's hard to feel loved when you're getting yelled at, and not getting what you need to feel the love.

As a guy, is this just the way it is? Do we sometimes just need to suck it up and realize that we're sometimes not going to get 100 percent back on the investment we put in?

[GemmaUK]

Thank you for the insight, sometimes it feels good just to get on here and discuss things with people.

She did end up texting me this morning telling me she's starting to get sick. I'll probably run some soup over or something after I get home from work, and text her to get well soon. That's literally all she said though. No I love you or anything like that. Weird...

I'm not going to sit here and tell you that I'm perfect and that I'm doing everything right, but at the same time I do feel like I put her first and how she feels. I feel like she knows that I love her. I just don't seem to feel the same feeling from her? When I brought it up once, she got extremely defensive and broke down crying. I told her I loved her, but that is the way I feel. I tried to hold my ground, but I ended up apologizing for hurting her feelings. Things were better for a little while, but they're slipping back. I just don't feel loved when she snaps at me or makes snide remarks, and then does nothing to reconcile when it's obvious it bothers me, and I've told her that. Especially this past week where I couldn't do anything right, it's hard to feel loved when you're getting yelled at, and not getting what you need to feel the love.

As a guy, is this just the way it is? Do we sometimes just need to suck it up and realize that we're sometimes not going to get 100 percent back on the investment we put in?

 

Why is it wierd that she didn't say 'I love you' in her text this morning?

Is that always a part of any texts you send to each other?

 

Honestly also, ask her if there is anything she needs rather than take soup over. If I am feeling poorly I just want no fussing over and to be left to do my own thing.

 

If she is snapping and making snide remarks then you are doing too much for her and acting like a doormat and letting her walk all over you.

Sorry to sound harsh but I think maybe you are being too nice on one hand and well, we don't know her side of the story so for that you will need to think about things she has brought up that are a problem and see whether they are being repeated.

 

I dated someone who would listen when I brought up a problem but in the next breath he was doing exactly the same thing again.

This was actually about him wanting to know what I was doing each second of the day, it was very boring and I had no idea why he wanted to know. I stood up during that conversation and went to get my bag. I sat back down and he interrupted the conversation and asked me what I wanted my bag for...gaaaah!

I wasn't allowed to do anything without a question mark around it.

[Nony101]

Usually we write little love notes to each other in the morning. Always ends with I love you. Nothing like that today, just that she's sick. I've been told that I'm too nice before. I'm just being who I am. It is true that you don't know the other side of the story, so it's unfair really, and I understand that.

I think her primary problem with me is she says that I don't listen well. I've really been trying to get better about it, and I think I have. She's a talker, while I'm more introverted. It might take me 5 minutes to get through my day where she could talk about hers for an hour. I might be not that great at listening, but I'm not sure she would be all that great if I was as detailed as she is. I feel like I'm sensitive to what she would want to know, and I try not to bore her with details that she wouldn't care about. Then there are some times where she says she told me something, but I know she didn't and she snaps at me and tells me I'm bad at listening and tells me how much it pisses her off.

I just take it, and shutdown emotionally. I've never snapped at her like she does to me.

I can relate with you about everything has a question around it.

[GemmaUK]

You shouldn't just take it.

 

If you are faced with War & Peace you're not going to take in and remember every little detail, no one would.

You need to say that it can be tough to remember everything that has been said..and fess up too if you zone out sometimes.

 

I zone out myself if someone over talks to me and then you can miss something big in that conversation.

I just fess up when I zone out and make a joke of it saying it was a lot to take in.

 

I remember a time with my ex partner..(we were together 14 yeas). There was a time when I was bing bullied at work by my direct boss and the situation was horrendous. I went home most nights and let off steam to him but I was also fully aware that he took some of it in and not all. We didn't ever actually have a problem over that as I did take it as red that no one could listen that long!

 

The day it all actually reared up I called him and asked him to meet me for a drink after work as I really needed it.

He did and he totally listened to everything..he was great and really listened.

The thing is that I needed to sort out the problem. I did.

 

Women do tend ot want to let off steam about things more sometimes...but they don't want to be told what to do.

If what has happened and what she is talking to you about is some kind of problem then digest and ask her whether she has figured out what she is going to do about it.

 

My guy used to say to me sometimes 'so what is this that you're saying about?' I wasn't properly listening when you mentioned it last time..and he would have a smile on his face..look sheepish and say sorry..and it worked with me. I understood and it was perfectly OK. He did want to know...but where he hadn't listened intently to me going on for an hour the week before he needed the details so he could comment.

 

Maybe try to not take things as seriously..but if she snaps as you joke back at her. If she really snaps at you then either snap back or leave the room.

 

Admitting you haven't quite listened is OK.

More than anything she should be your best friend..not on a pedestal and not someone you cannot be honest with. Treat her like a pal..you can be honest and banter with pals.

But...you also aren't required to bring them soup...unless they ask you nicely to. Also, you should ask if she wants anything..if she doesn't then that is OK too.

 

You have a lot of bottled up things going on..when you shutdown the two of you never progress anywhere.

She snaps, you take it.

You are treading on eggshells...but in life and relationships you have to break a good few eggs! It can get messy..but it doesn't mean you can't make an omelette.

[GemmaUK]

I was just re- reading your last post again and thought of something else.

 

If I am talking a lot I do now ask 'am I boring you yet?' and laugh..it gives them the opportunity to say yes.

I also will say to a partner 'you know? You are really boring me a bit now...can you condense it to an idiot guide for me?' again with a laugh...

 

These things may also help...

[mortensorchid]

This is an eternal struggle, the "nice guy" thing who is boring and dependable. Before you put it up in that category, I think the best thing to do is to sit down with your gf and have a short but serious talk. Tell her you understand she is under a lot of stress and whatnot at this time because of things, and that you feel that she is taking it out on you by her behaviors. You think it would be best to back off for a bit or just relax. You obviously want to be with her still, and I think she needs to make a decision whether or not she wants to be with you still. If she says she wants to be with you still, then she has to make an effort. If she says she doesn't care (or something to that effect), then you have to break up. I don't know anything about your gf other than your posting, but maybe she doesn't realize she is being so nasty. Sometimes bring things to others' attentions then they will resolve it.