verhrzn Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 Long story short, I and my ex are in a dating trial period of 4 months. We have agreed to be sexually exclusive, but he still has the freedom to go on dates if he so chooses. I am not dating for these 4 months. I'm doing this for a couple of reasons. First, because I have no interest in anyone else. Second, because I think it'd be unfair to anyone I saw, even briefly, for me to be going on dates when I have these strong, still unresolved feelings for my ex. And third, I want to show him that I am committed to us and that right now, I am putting my faith in him. I love this guy a lot. If he rejects me, I'll accept it and move on, but I'd regret it forever if I didn't take this 4 month shot at reconciliation. So far it's been going pretty well, I think, but I continue to struggle with feelings of insecurity and worry. I am really scared he will choose another girl over me. I am fairly certain he is going on dates... he frequently has "plans," but he will not elaborate on what they are or who they are with. I think he will keep the agreement and not sleep with the girls he's going on dates with. But the idea of him falling for them or preferring them over me is really heart-breaking. I am trying so hard to battle this insecurity and be strong. Most days I do okay. But some days I struggle. I really, really want to trust him, and trust in us. I also know this is just where he is right now, and this is the cost of a possible future relationship. Does anyone have suggestions on how I can battle my insecurities and stay steadfast?
ScienceGal Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 (edited) If he were taking this seriously (i.e. If he truly valued you and a relationship with you) he wouldn't even consider going on other dates. You're either together or not. If it has to be a murky middle area, then cut the sex out of it until you figure out if you're going to reconcile. I mean it. Have a sense of self worth and respect. You can love him all day long, but if he isn't giving you the same love back, it's futile. And, I don't care who did what to cause the breakup. If you're talking reconciliation, then it needs to come from both of you agreeing to start again. 50/50. This is greatly skewed and it looks like you're going to get hurt. You also sound desperate. That's not good. Do yourself a favor, be open and honest with him about how you feel, and then take a step back. Put yourself first. Edited December 27, 2013 by ScienceGal 3
Author verhrzn Posted December 27, 2013 Author Posted December 27, 2013 Well the break-up was all my fault. Over the summer, I started getting very distant and angry with him. I pushed him away and refused to communicate. And then in August, I dumped him and immediately jumped into bed with someone else, because I needed an ego boost to satisfy my low self-esteem. My ex does want to reconcile eventually, but he's terrified of fully committing to me, giving up all of his options, only to be left holding the bag. It's a feeling I know well, and understand. He's just not ready to fully trust me yet, after what I did. And I don't totally blame him. While I do want commitment in the future, the logical, rational side of me doesn't need it right now... and knows that pushing him into it would just spell more trouble down the road. As far as sleeping with him... I dunno, it feels right to me. To me, it isn't a matter of "self-respect." That sounds like I'm somehow giving him something, that is taking away from me. It isn't... it's how I want to connect with him and show I care. I want to sleep with him. I don't think the problem is him, not really. The problem is my insecurities, and fighting them down.
LadyM Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 You can't battle these insecurities. You set yourself up to have them. They aren't going anywhere as long as he is dating other women.
ScienceGal Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 You nailed it with your last statement. Why did you become distant and angry? Why did you leave and hop into bed with someone new? Have you always had insecurities? You've got some issues to sort out here. Your relationship with him, or someone new, won't work until you do. Dig deep and figure it out. In this case, sex is a bandaid, and definitely a lure. It's your only sense of power and way to show him your care. You might even get him back, but then what? How would things be different than before? I understand you're coming from a place of guilt and regret, but nothing will change unless you do, and that means you've got to fully understand why you did what you did. Just having him back won't fix it. It might feel like it will right now, but it won't in the long run.
Revolver Posted January 1, 2014 Posted January 1, 2014 Stop having sex with him and see if he keeps talking to you/keeps in contact with you. This from the outset seems like the classic example of the guy who has the girl he's sleeping with on the side while at the same time trying to get the girl he really wants. Once he gets that girl he's more than likely going to drop you. I honestly don't see this ending well for you IMO. I don't think he really wants to reconcile I just think he's telling you whatever you want to hear to keep getting in your pants. It's kinda like the guy who tells the girl "were gonna get married eventually" with no plans of that every happening 1
Els Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 (edited) V, I'm glad to see you're looking towards improving your insecurity issues. The first step, honestly, is to not put yourself in such a position with regards to your relationship. Your current relationship arrangement is like locking an alcoholic in a liquor store for a week, frankly. It may be your fault that you broke up, but once you have acknowledged that and apologized and are seeking to work on it, there is no need for this additional 'penance'. You should not be putting yourself in a position where you are remaining loyal to him but he is free to date around and you sit there hoping he will 'choose' you. It is the very epitome of insecurity to do so, and you are only encouraging people to treat you worse than you deserve, and triggering further insecurity. If you truly want to work on your insecurity - call off this arrangement and tell him that it is step #1 in your progress towards working on your insecurity and poor self-esteem. Tell him that you love him and you will try to work on the issues that caused the breakup in the first place, but you can't do that with such an arrangement. He has to choose whether he wants to be with you or not. He can take his time to do so but you shouldn't be sitting around 100% available to him (sexually and otherwise) while he decides. Edited January 2, 2014 by Elswyth
Ruby Slippers Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 I agree that it seems you've set up the perfect situation to test your insecurities. It's an interesting exercise - but I agree you'll be setting yourself up better by telling him you want to be together exclusively with neither of you dating anyone else, or not be together and move on. Another possibility is to take a break for 3 months or whatever, then re-evaluate.
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