Just broke up (nicely) with the love of my life

[Kopite]

We were together 2 and a half years, a lot of it long-distance, but I was so happy with her. It was for both of us our first relationship.

 

She was a psychologist, 7 years older than me, who worked for Doctors Without Borders. She was so kind and always thought of other people before herself.

 

We were doing well until last September. We had a plan to live together and get married. She went on a mission to South Sudan to help the villagers deal with the conflict there and within three weeks, she started becoming more distant and less communicative. She stopped saying I love you suddenly in two weeks.

 

Still don't really know what happened, but all the typical GIGS traits were there I guess. She was "confused". She needed space/time. She saw me as a friend who loved me but was not in love with me. All of this was said on skype, which made it harder as I couldn't do anything.

 

I typically pushed her, asking her what was going on, telling her to come and see me. She pushed away more. From September through October and November, things got progressively worse as I questioned her more, demanding her love, not giving her the space she needed.

 

I was in doubt as to whether she was questioning her feelings for me or whether the environment in which she was in was affecting her psychologically (dying, starving children; terrible things to be fair).

 

Credit to her though: she kept pushing and calling me everyday even though I never gave her the space. She made sure sure I was alright, not wanting to hurt me by giving up. She could have left me anytime- easy thing to do when it's long distance. She tried to fix things.

 

This only made me love her even more though and it made me more confused because I knew she didn't feel the same way anymore.

 

Around November, the angry feelings started and instead of taking it out on her, I asked her for a break. During this break I worked on not being angry and trying to empathise with her more, accepting the situation.

 

She had been suffering a lot too thought. She felt really guilty and always blamed herself. Her parents said she was always crying. She didn't know what to do.

 

The relationship was at a standstill. My girlfriend wanted to keep me in her life but still couldn't be in love with me. I couldn't stay friends with her only so...

 

Today, I decided that I couldn't handle the doubt any longer. I broke up the relationship to end both of our suffering. It was probably one of the nicest break-ups you could get. It was very sad. We both cried a lot, but I told her not to blame herself and that these things happen. I had forgiven her, but I couldn't stay in contact with her anymore.

 

I asked her politely not to contact me anymore, to which she initially said she couldn't, but she finally agreed.

 

We said goodbye to each other, and I immediately deleted her off skype, facebook, etc.

 

Now comes the hard part. Trying to get over her will be tough but I'll do my best to work on myself in the next few months. There's still a bit of hope left in me that she will eventually come back to me, which is probably why I am not as sad as I should be.

 

However, I know I shouldn't really feel this and I imagine it will hit me very hard soon that I won't be with her ever again.

 

In summary: I decided to take the forgiving and accepting route rather than staying angry and blaming her for everything. I think it was a good idea in the end as I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I can move on after three months of constant doubt eating away at me.

 

I hope we can eventually be friends once I get over her (if that ever happens) because she is an amazing human being.

 

I'll let you know how I am feeling in a few weeks.

 

Just wanted to get this off of my chest. Thanks for taking the time to read.

[Grumpybutfun]

It sounds like you were very good friends but the passionate love affair part was lacking. Perhaps one day you can be friends again. You did a kind thing by releasing both of you from a relationship that never quite made it to where you both wanted it.

Good luck,

Grumps

[StyleOnEm]

Wow dude, the traveling to another country and after 2-3 weeks being distant is exactly when my relationship was "growing distant" according to her, too.

 

How long is she staying in South Sudan for? Her focus right now is bigger than the relationship it seems like. This is her passion, to help those less fortunate, as was with my ex. I can understand where she's coming from and you handled it like a champ.

 

I gave my ex space to figure it out but the end result was still the same. When they start feeling distance, there's almost nothing you can do to gain it back without a legitimate break.

[Kopite]

It sounds like you were very good friends but the passionate love affair part was lacking. Perhaps one day you can be friends again. You did a kind thing by releasing both of you from a relationship that never quite made it to where you both wanted it.

Good luck,

Grumps

 

To be honest, the passionate love was always there until September.

 

It's strange because she never worried about the distance. I was always the one who was scared that staying away from each other would affect us, but she was always reassuring me that what we were doing was good for our future together. Once we got to fulfill our career dreams, then we could be together and we wouldn't regret not doing what we wanted.

 

In the end, it didn't matter I guess.

[Kopite]

Wow dude, the traveling to another country and after 2-3 weeks being distant is exactly when my relationship was "growing distant" according to her, too.

 

How long is she staying in South Sudan for? Her focus right now is bigger than the relationship it seems like. This is her passion, to help those less fortunate, as was with my ex. I can understand where she's coming from and you handled it like a champ.

 

I gave my ex space to figure it out but the end result was still the same. When they start feeling distance, there's almost nothing you can do to gain it back without a legitimate break.

 

Thanks for your comment, bud.

 

This wasn't her first mission. We were once separated for 9 months when she went to Palestine, but for that we had no problems. We still talked every day and we tried to see each other every few months.

 

The South Sudan mission was her second- a lot shorter, but a lot harder. She finished in November and now she is back home (in Brazil, where she is from). Her feelings have remained the same since Sudan and there's nothing I could do but give her the space, which is why I told her it was over.

 

Maybe some time in the future, if we were to meet up physically and when she has dealt with her confusion, she will want me back, who knows?

 

I'm trying my best just to work on myself though and not thinking about her. Tough times ahead, I'm sure.

 

How are you handling your situation?

[Grumpybutfun]

 

Still don't really know what happened, but all the typical GIGS traits were thereb I guess. She was "confused". She needed space/time. She saw me as a friend who loved me but was not in love with me.

 

This only made me love her even more though and it made me more confused because I knew she didn't feel the same way.

 

The relationship was at a standstill. My girlfriend wanted to keep me in her life but still couldn't be in love with me. I couldn't stay friends with her only so...

 

Now comes the hard part. Trying to get over her will be tough but I'll do my best to work on myself in the next few months. There's still a bit of hope left in me that she will eventually come back to me, which is probably why I am not as sad as I should be.

 

However, I know I shouldn't really feel this and I imagine it will hit me very hard soon that I won't be with her ever again.

 

In summary: I decided to take the forgiving and accepting route rather than staying angry and blaming her for everything.

 

You may have felt passionate love for her but she only felt friendship for you per your words. One doesn't merely stop feeling passionate love for someone unless emotional needs aren't being met. You said she tried to be in love with you but couldn't. That is because she felt only friendship for you.

Also, I am not sure why you keep alluding to forgiving her as she did nothing wrong. Are you angry with her for not loving you because that would be rather childish. She was honest with you and knew it was wrong to keep leading you on. You need to be with someone who can give you what you need which is romantic passionate love.

Best,

Grumps

[Kopite]

You may have felt passionate love for her but she only felt friendship for you per your words. One doesn't merely stop feeling passionate love for someone unless emotional needs aren't being met. You said she tried to be in love with you but couldn't. That is because she felt only friendship for you.

Also, I am not sure why you keep alluding to forgiving her as she did nothing wrong. Are you angry with her for not loving you because that would be rather childish. She was honest with you and knew it was wrong to keep leading you on. You need to be with someone who can give you what you need which is romantic passionate love.

Best,

Grumps

 

Thanks for your comment Grumps. I guess I didn't explain myself clearly. For two years until September, there was passionate love from her. Whenever we were together, there was definite attraction and she was in love with me. I was the one who was at first reluctant to commit my long-term future to her. I was just looking for a girlfriend at first.

 

She was the one continuously nudging me to ask her to get married. Within three months of us being together she was already asking me what I thought were nice baby names, so I can't really accept that she didn't love me.

 

It wasn't until September (two years into our relationship), when she went to South Sudan and her whole attitude changed. She started talking about her only rather than us and she said she needed space, etc etc. Since September, she changed from being in love with me to not knowing how she felt about me romantically.

 

How can someone go from being deeply in love with someone (where they wanted to be with me forever- her words) to being confused in three weeks? This is what hurt me the most and this is where I had to forgive her but ultimately let go of her. I am not sure why this would be considered childish? Am I making myself a little clearer now?

[Grumpybutfun]

Thanks for your comment Grumps. I guess I didn't explain myself clearly. For two years until September, there was passionate love from her. Whenever we were together, there was definite attraction and she was in love with me. I was the one who was at first reluctant to commit my long-term future to her. I was just looking for a girlfriend at first.

 

She was the one continuously nudging me to ask her to get married. Within three months of us being together she was already asking me what I thought were nice baby names, so I can't really accept that she didn't love me.

 

It wasn't until September (two years into our relationship), when she went to South Sudan and her whole attitude changed. She started talking about her only rather than us and she said she needed space, etc etc. Since September, she changed from being in love with me to not knowing how she felt about me romantically.

 

How can someone go from being deeply in love with someone (where they wanted to be with me forever- her words) to being confused in three weeks? This is what hurt me the most and this is where I had to forgive her but ultimately let go of her. I am not sure why this would be considered childish? Am I making myself a little clearer now?

 

Yes, thank you for the expounding of information. Honestly, distance can be a killer of relationships if they aren't already on solid foundations. If she went from hot to cold without an explanation, I suppose the idea that a third party is involved isn't outlandish. Usually someone in a long distance relationship is willing to go with the flow unless they have interest in someone else. If indeed she did feel deep romantic passionate love for you and then it suddenly changed, it is possible that she fell for someone else...someone who is there.

Are you really letting go of her and forgiving her though if you still feel this conflicted and have hope that she will come back and this will all be a misunderstanding? What will you do if she doesn't?

G