vanellope Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 I was a OW, becasue I never marry before, so here is the question I would like to understand married people's thinking. there are many case that the man is not marry and have a long term gf, and if during this time he fall in love with another woman and finally leave the original gf, seldom people would blame this man and the woman. if the same story but the man is married, people would blame this MM and the OW. i ask this becasue what the difference i see is marry or not, but the other thing are all the same. one of the point i decide to leave the MM is also becasue one day he told me, his wife is more hurt than me, i don't understand why it can be compared, so I am not that hurt becasue he and me is not married? I really don't get it. especailly he told me he and her is not in love already, but he and me is in love deeply.
Raena Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 It doesn't matter if you are married or not. If a couple has made a commitment to be together, then they should honor that commitment. I don't like it when people say that it's not that big of a deal if you aren't married. Yes it is. It hurts exactly the same way whether you were married or not. 6
Snipercatt Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 generally, when people marry they make a vow and take a commitment. When you break a commitment without negotiation, or without warning the person you made the commitment to you are being deceitful. If such a vow is made, regardless of marriage, the deceit is the same and the person breaking the vow is, generally, not highly regarded. If we (the collective OW we) go into relationship with a Person we know is married and who hasn't notified their partner they're breaking the commitment we are knowingly attempting to have an intimate relationship with someone who has a prior commitment. Intellectually we know the succes of that working out is low, and for more reasons than that our partner is still married. There are predictable dynamics at work that aren't in our favor. Your xMM telling you that his Wife hurts more may be to manipulate you, or because he understands that By not informing her he was going to be in relationship with you that she wasn't permitted an informed choice about what many consider to be the most important relationship choice in your life, whereas, you were informed from the beginning that he was married. That is only an explanation, it doesn't change that you are in pain.
krazikat Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 I was a OW, becasue I never marry before, so here is the question I would like to understand married people's thinking. there are many case that the man is not marry and have a long term gf, and if during this time he fall in love with another woman and finally leave the original gf, seldom people would blame this man and the woman. if the same story but the man is married, people would blame this MM and the OW. i ask this becasue what the difference i see is marry or not, but the other thing are all the same. one of the point i decide to leave the MM is also becasue one day he told me, his wife is more hurt than me, i don't understand why it can be compared, so I am not that hurt becasue he and me is not married? I really don't get it. especailly he told me he and her is not in love already, but he and me is in love deeply. Well, now you know that involving yourself with a married/committed man was not a good idea. What did you expect would happen? He is already committed, but lied to her. What made you think you were different? And you are wrong, you may not value a prior committment, but most people do. There is absolutly no difference in the betrayal of the cheating act based on whether one is married or not, it is still a deceitful and cowardly act. You are guilty of participating in the crime. You knew he was in a relationship and lying to have sex (and record some of the sex!!!) With you. You were okay with this, until it didnt go your way. As my dad used to say, you play, you pay. 3
Author vanellope Posted December 27, 2013 Author Posted December 27, 2013 Well, now you know that involving yourself with a married/committed man was not a good idea. What did you expect would happen? He is already committed, but lied to her. What made you think you were different? because he made me feel I am different, and when I met this man, he show me he is seperate with his wife already. I did not think he is lied to his wife in the beginning becasue I thought their marriage is dead already. And you are wrong, you may not value a prior committment, but most people do. There is absolutly no difference in the betrayal of the cheating act based on whether one is married or not, it is still a deceitful and cowardly act. You are guilty of participating in the crime. You knew he was in a relationship and lying to have sex (and record some of the sex!!!) With you. You were okay with this, until it didnt go your way. As my dad used to say, you play, you pay. I valued the commitment, I also loyal to him very much and trust what he told me. I don't think I was in crime, I just love the person who also love me. I am not okay with the sex video be tape, he did it when we were intimate and I found he recode it later because he show me. I told him to delete it, but he told me he will protect it and I should trust him, if your spouse tape the sex video with you, will you force him to delete it. I know I am not his spouse in real world, but in my mind i did value him as my one. he did say we just not married but he treasuse me very much, he did give me a ring too. I didn't play, so I don't think i need to pay.
Snipercatt Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 Vanellope, the question you ask is why you would be treated differently than his wife. You say he showed you he was separated. Now, it turns out he wasn't. You believed what you wanted to believe rather than investigate. You believed something that common sense would tell you probably wasn't true. You chose to believe his words and not his circumstance. You are the one suffering the consequences of that. You must not trust a person just because they tell you something, you must verify their words. When their circumstances show you that they aren't available THAT is your answer, not that they are separated because they say so. Being separated means many things, but it doesn't mean a couple is divorced, or even headed for divorce. If you want to be in a relationship with someone who can commit to you then that person must be single. Otherwise the chances that they will ever obligate a commitment to you is slim. Your relationship with your xMM was established on false pretense. 2
whatatangledweb Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 It is the same whether they are married or not. They are in a committed relationship. Both WS and OW would be blamed the same. Your MM doesn't understand your pain or his wife's. Both of you hurt. My husband would not tape us having sex. If I was secretly taped I would be pissed and it would be destroyed in front of me. And in that case I would never have sex with that person again. 1
Author vanellope Posted December 27, 2013 Author Posted December 27, 2013 (edited) It is the same whether they are married or not. They are in a committed relationship. Both WS and OW would be blamed the same. Your MM doesn't understand your pain or his wife's. Both of you hurt. My husband would not tape us having sex. If I was secretly taped I would be pissed and it would be destroyed in front of me. And in that case I would never have sex with that person again. he send me his own video as well, should i need to send to his wife and his company? I don't do that and I never threat him this to make him stay. I don't know why his wife can threat me this, why she doesn't just tell her husband no contact me instead. Edited December 27, 2013 by vanellope
Snipercatt Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 Did His W send the video? If not, then do as you advise her to do, move on.
Author vanellope Posted December 27, 2013 Author Posted December 27, 2013 I think no, becasue she use this to let her husband back already.
krazikat Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 because he made me feel I am different, and when I met this man, he show me he is seperate with his wife already. I did not think he is lied to his wife in the beginning becasue I thought their marriage is dead already. I valued the commitment, I also loyal to him very much and trust what he told me. I don't think I was in crime, I just love the person who also love me. I am not okay with the sex video be tape, he did it when we were intimate and I found he recode it later because he show me. I told him to delete it, but he told me he will protect it and I should trust him, if your spouse tape the sex video with you, will you force him to delete it. I know I am not his spouse in real world, but in my mind i did value him as my one. he did say we just not married but he treasuse me very much, he did give me a ring too. I didn't play, so I don't think i need to pay. Omg. Wow. First of all, I just want to clarify...he recorded the sex act without telling you???? Oh hell girl WHAT????????? Deep breath, palm to forehead. And yes, by involving yourself with a mm, you were indeed playing the affair game. You knewhe was married. So yes, by knowing he was married, you are part of the negligent and willful hurt to his wife. Also, your pain is as much your fault as his. If he had lied to you and told you he was single, then it would be different. But when you knowingly start having sex with another womans husband or partner, you get what you get. A cheater and liar. You need to wake up and own your mess. You failed to protect yourself. You still deny your own mess. He is married. He has a wife. Add to that his other craziness, including the fact he recorded a video of you engaged in a sex act without your permission? Are you serious? 4
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