Ex scared of 'getting close' again, mixed signals?

[DiscoFever]

Hey guys, I need some help.

 

So as the summary read my ex is giving me confusing hot/cold signals, with our past this is really unlike her behavior at all.

 

To give a little insight she was beaten/bullied and raped by her ex a year ago, I helped give her some support to shake him loose and she managed to on new years day. Since she's been fairly emotionally dependent on people, I would go as far as to say she does act purely on emotion at times, whatever makes her feel better.

 

We broke up in September due to some disagreements, after some fighting we both decided to just try wipe the slate clean and be friends for the time being. Now December, she has been acting odd for the past two weeks.

 

Around a week ago now she hit a large depression spike, she said that she just wants a guy that'll be there every therapy appointment for her and for her to "have something" with, (We previously agreed that I would, but after the breakup/fights she's been somewhat hesitant, more on this later) however she went on to say that all guys she is close to are either already in a relationship or are gay (Not counting me in that list), I said if nobody would want to I will be up for it, I'd get a hotel somewhere close and come see/help her fairly often, she again was hesitant.

 

The next few days she became increasingly warmer to me, by the third day she was commenting/liking even flirting on month old photos I uploaded on my Instagram/facebook all while we were still talking on chat, but then came the forth day.

 

On the forth day things changed, come midday she messaged me "he's moved on, just like that :'( " referring to a guy she was flirting with some weeks back as he's now got a new girlfriend, skipping some re-assuring she said that she's just upset because she feels so alone, I said that she's not and that I would come round now with films/snacks and won't leave until she's happy again (Which she said she wants a guy to) and responded with "Why are you so perfect :'( ", then the conversation went onto her apologizing for pushing me away these past few months because she's scared of getting hurt if she gets close to me again, (Most of our fights in our relationship were from misunderstandings) then she went off to bed. I said in one last message that although we broke up somewhat badly, I'm a better guy to what I was, and I'm more committed to helping her if she'll give me the chance.

 

It's been 4 days since that, and although we've talked everyday, she's been acting distant. I can understand that she's been offline because of Christmas, but now she's been fully offline for periods of 8 hours straight for the previous 4 days including Christmas, unusual. I've not talked to her at all today, but she updated her status earlier to that she's going to see a band in town she once saw again with the two friends she went with the first time, her best girl-friend and her gay friend. (Yes, him)

 

So, now I'm left in a bundle of confusion. ideas guys?

 

Merry Christmas, hope you all have a upcoming happy new year.

[AlphaC]

Hey guys, I need some help.

 

So as the summary read my ex is giving me confusing hot/cold signals, with our past this is really unlike her behavior at all.

 

To give a little insight she was beaten/bullied and raped by her ex a year ago, I helped give her some support to shake him loose and she managed to on new years day. Since she's been fairly emotionally dependent on people, I would go as far as to say she does act purely on emotion at times, whatever makes her feel better.

 

We broke up in September due to some disagreements, after some fighting we both decided to just try wipe the slate clean and be friends for the time being. Now December, she has been acting odd for the past two weeks.

 

Around a week ago now she hit a large depression spike, she said that she just wants a guy that'll be there every therapy appointment for her and for her to "have something" with, (We previously agreed that I would, but after the breakup/fights she's been somewhat hesitant, more on this later) however she went on to say that all guys she is close to are either already in a relationship or are gay (Not counting me in that list), I said if nobody would want to I will be up for it, I'd get a hotel somewhere close and come see/help her fairly often, she again was hesitant.

 

The next few days she became increasingly warmer to me, by the third day she was commenting/liking even flirting on month old photos I uploaded on my Instagram/facebook all while we were still talking on chat, but then came the forth day.

 

On the forth day things changed, come midday she messaged me "he's moved on, just like that :'( " referring to a guy she was flirting with some weeks back as he's now got a new girlfriend, skipping some re-assuring she said that she's just upset because she feels so alone, I said that she's not and that I would come round now with films/snacks and won't leave until she's happy again (Which she said she wants a guy to) and responded with "Why are you so perfect :'( ", then the conversation went onto her apologizing for pushing me away these past few months because she's scared of getting hurt if she gets close to me again, (Most of our fights in our relationship were from misunderstandings) then she went off to bed. I said in one last message that although we broke up somewhat badly, I'm a better guy to what I was, and I'm more committed to helping her if she'll give me the chance.

 

It's been 4 days since that, and although we've talked everyday, she's been acting distant. I can understand that she's been offline because of Christmas, but now she's been fully offline for periods of 8 hours straight for the previous 4 days including Christmas, unusual. I've not talked to her at all today, but she updated her status earlier to that she's going to see a band in town she once saw again with the two friends she went with the first time, her best girl-friend and her gay friend. (Yes, him)

 

So, now I'm left in a bundle of confusion. ideas guys?

 

Merry Christmas, hope you all have a upcoming happy new year.

 

Hey man, what's your issue, this woman is not interested in you, reread your post. She is not interested in your support, she doesn't like you pandering to her every need. Sounds to me like she wants to be with someone other than you, but you keep pestering her. From what you wrote it sounds like this woman is broken, she needs professional help and what you need and want is a girlfriend; you have different needs!!!

 

Ask yourself, why do you want to be with someone that is broken, is that all you can get, are you seeking validation? Perhaps you need some professional help too!

 

Don't mean to sound harsh but I was in your shoes too when I was young. I thought I could change a girl, I wanted her for me and I made up every excuse in the book to hold on to her, but it was clear, later on, that she was not interested. Quite frankly, even if she was, she would have been a bad partner.

 

Leave this woman alone, find someone that can complement your life, a woman that won't make you crazy. Take your time, the sea is full of fish, try online dating but stop chasing her, she needs help and not from you.

[d0nnivain]

You can't be her therapist. She has one.

 

 

It's too early for you to be her friend. Of course I am not suggesting you be mean to her but you can't give her the emotional support she needs. Do you really want to hear about the guys she is flirting with? She is unable to be alone & independent. When there is somebody to focus on she lets go of you. When there isn't she leans more heavily on you.

[DiscoFever]

Many thanks for the reply you two.

 

Alpha; I agree to what you have said, but from her asking me to help her/ starting conversations with me even becoming angry if I try distance myself tells a different story. If she really didn't want my help she would of let me slip away, that is what is getting me.

 

She could be just using me for my help nothing more, but personally I know that's not the case.

 

d0nnivain; As harsh as it is, I agree. Granted I'm not a trained therapist, nor a guy that can always be there to help her, but with what has happened they've suggested she "gets help from close friends" as they're not really supplying as many therapy appointments she needs. My gut feeling is telling me from what she has said she's just scared to get close to me, hence the mixed signals.

 

However, as from what you mentioned at the end there are other guys she can turn to. Many times she can turn to two people, this guy which lives around 150 miles upcountry (Whom also is a giant ***hole), her gay friend, and me. This guy upcountry jumps from boat to boat (Well, girl to girl) using her in-between as sort of a safety net, feed his ego sort of thing etc. Her gay friend isn't much of a problem I feel, but he lives close by to her. If like around a week ago her gay friend isn't giving her the help she needs, nor the guy upcountry, she turns to me. I feel this is because yet again, she's scared of "getting close" to me, since that talk she's been off for around a week now, which I don't get.

 

As I said to Alpha she's asked I help her, she's asked I stay close but with all this pulling and pushing me away it's starting to make me confused on what I need to do, but as you two have suggested I'll just back away, She tends to get angry if I do a 'sudden personality change' but I'll just lay everything down to why I can't help her from all this she is doing.

 

Many thanks guys.

[AlphaC]

Many thanks for the reply you two.

 

Alpha; I agree to what you have said, but from her asking me to help her/ starting conversations with me even becoming angry if I try distance myself tells a different story. If she really didn't want my help she would of let me slip away, that is what is getting me.

 

She could be just using me for my help nothing more, but personally I know that's not the case.

 

d0nnivain; As harsh as it is, I agree. Granted I'm not a trained therapist, nor a guy that can always be there to help her, but with what has happened they've suggested she "gets help from close friends" as they're not really supplying as many therapy appointments she needs. My gut feeling is telling me from what she has said she's just scared to get close to me, hence the mixed signals.

 

However, as from what you mentioned at the end there are other guys she can turn to. Many times she can turn to two people, this guy which lives around 150 miles upcountry (Whom also is a giant ***hole), her gay friend, and me. This guy upcountry jumps from boat to boat (Well, girl to girl) using her in-between as sort of a safety net, feed his ego sort of thing etc. Her gay friend isn't much of a problem I feel, but he lives close by to her. If like around a week ago her gay friend isn't giving her the help she needs, nor the guy upcountry, she turns to me. I feel this is because yet again, she's scared of "getting close" to me, since that talk she's been off for around a week now, which I don't get.

 

As I said to Alpha she's asked I help her, she's asked I stay close but with all this pulling and pushing me away it's starting to make me confused on what I need to do, but as you two have suggested I'll just back away, She tends to get angry if I do a 'sudden personality change' but I'll just lay everything down to why I can't help her from all this she is doing.

 

Many thanks guys.

 

 

Look brother, I have been in your shoes many times. I am trying to save you the heartache that will ensue shortly, if it hasn't already. The best thing about LS is you can post your story and get feedback from people who do not have a vested interest in the outcome. We can see the situation from afar which is not clouded by smoke.

 

I know you dig this girl, maybe she is smoking hot, maybe she does other things that you enjoy, but right now you are in love, you are infatuated with this woman and that's why you came here for advice. It's clear to me and others that this woman is not reciprocating her affection for you, not in a loving, sexual, bf/gf way.

 

If you really care for her, as a friend, then you would date other women. If this girl needs your help, you can help, if and only if you have time. Don't go out of your way for her, this is very important! If you notice these other guys are not that interested in her, they are kicking her to the curb and that's what's keeping her attraction level high for them. Maybe if you dated other girls and disappeared for a while things might swing in your favor. But take note, even if this happened, you'll have to worry about all her baggage, do you really want this?

 

Take a step back and think about it brother, we are all here for the same reasons, we all want good, healthy relationships. One day I will find a great woman and disappear from this site and so will you. In the meantime this is my time to learn, grow, change, heal and move forward and it's yours too, take advantage of your time.

 

Peace brother!

[DiscoFever]

Look brother, I have been in your shoes many times. I am trying to save you the heartache that will ensue shortly, if it hasn't already. The best thing about LS is you can post your story and get feedback from people who do not have a vested interest in the outcome. We can see the situation from afar which is not clouded by smoke.

 

I know you dig this girl, maybe she is smoking hot, maybe she does other things that you enjoy, but right now you are in love, you are infatuated with this woman and that's why you came here for advice. It's clear to me and others that this woman is not reciprocating her affection for you, not in a loving, sexual, bf/gf way.

 

If you really care for her, as a friend, then you would date other women. If this girl needs your help, you can help, if and only if you have time. Don't go out of your way for her, this is very important! If you notice these other guys are not that interested in her, they are kicking her to the curb and that's what's keeping her attraction level high for them. Maybe if you dated other girls and disappeared for a while things might swing in your favor. But take note, even if this happened, you'll have to worry about all her baggage, do you really want this?

 

Take a step back and think about it brother, we are all here for the same reasons, we all want good, healthy relationships. One day I will find a great woman and disappear from this site and so will you. In the meantime this is my time to learn, grow, change, heal and move forward and it's yours too, take advantage of your time.

 

Peace brother!

 

Many thanks bud, although what you say is the truth, I'll take it and not try to keep sugarcoating this. If I keep running from this it'll just keep getting me down, at the end of the day she is the one that needs the help and support.

 

Around a hour ago now we had a brief talk, she messaged me asking what profile picture looked best so I said then diverted the conversation to this topic. After some talking she said she was in therapy earlier and that lately she's been down, not really too much of a issue. I said that it's best if we put some distance between us as she needs help from professionals and I can't physically help her because I'm not trained to, she understood and surprisingly things didn't turn into a fight.

 

Again many thanks bud, the truth hurts sometimes but I rather take it to the heart than let it slowly hurt me more and more over time.

[vassilbg]

Dude, you can't expect her to have any respect for you if you are at her beckon call. You are her emotional tampon.

 

You are sooooo deep in her friend zone, don't be surprised if she introduces you to her new BF's parents.

 

No offense to you or your girl, but she is damaged goods man. I've been there with chicks just like her... its not healthy, and you need to do HER and YOU a favor and WALK AWAY and get your self confidence and balls back.

 

Cheers!