This is my first LDR and I need some

[Dazzel]

Long story ahead, folks.

 

I have been talking off and on to this guy online for years (met him on an anime forum for those of you who know what that is). We are both very close in age and enjoyed silly flirting online.

 

Well after taking an extremely long hiatus from this forum I decided to pay it a visit again and he was one of the first people I messaged to say hello to. I was surprised when he messaged me back with his number. Very shocked, to say the least.

 

He texted me and I could tell he was down. I offered to lend an ear if he wanted to talk.

 

So we talked. And talked. And then started to talk each night. This has been going on since.....oh I'd say mid-November. And recently he convinced me to Skype.

 

So after this talking, we are starting to get serious. He says he is in love with me, and I am starting to feel something for him too. I crave him to physically be here. The issue? He lives almost 1000 miles away from me.....all the way across the country.

 

I am extremely confused. I feel like I can't be falling in love with someone I haven't met in person, but I am.

 

The good thing is he bought plane tickets for me to come see him in person for the first time next month. And he is planning on coming here in February to see my side of the country.

 

I have been getting very depressed. My last relationship of five years (this one with a guy who lived in my area) was awful. No intimacy (he refused to have sex with me), he couldn't drive, he had mental issues..... So having a guy who is the opposite of all that, attractive, and interesting.....and interested in me both emotionally and physically is so appealing. I can tell her actually gives a damn about me too. And I feel the same way.

 

The reason I am so depressed is because I want him HERE with me, yet I've never met him and I feel I am irrational. You can only get to know someone so much on the phone.

 

The real problem is I don't think either of us really wants to move. I DEFINITELY cannot move. It would kill my mother. We are very close. I also have a potential career here. The reason he doesn't want to move is the same....his family doesn't want him to and he has an even better job than me (though he could transfer within the company....there is a division of it close to me). He says he wants to move, then he seems to second guess. We both live with our parents still. I want to move out but cannot financially unless I have a room mate (I am 26, he is almost 28). He wants to move out badly and says he wouldn't mind leaving the state but is intimidated I think. And then he says his family doesn't want him to go. Then he says I'd love it up there. I think he is subtly trying to change my mind, which cannot happen unless I fall HARD. And even then I don't think it will happen. Being near my family is extremely important to me. We Skyped last night and he was very stressed....it almost looked like he may be on the verge of tears. His parents told him that they don't think this relationship will last. And sadly, I think so too unless we can physically be together. Live together.

 

In my last relationship I gave my all emotionally and ended up in tears half the time. I was the giver. I changed jobs and my schedule for him (from days to nights) and just tried so hard to save it. I don't want to feel this way again.

 

I actually didn't even want a relationship at all. If I could take a time machine back to the time I gave him my number, I would have ignored his message. I valued my independence. I didn't want a relationship at all. I was very satisfied and happy that way too.

 

Then he came along and totally ruined it, because I think I am falling for a guy I have never met. And I want him here with me. Am I being crazy?

 

He has only ever had online relationships. He is a virgin and I am extremely sexually inexperienced, so we can both relate there. I worry about him because online relationships are not healthy. I think he has a case of social anxiety disorder hence him not meeting people in person often. I worry for him a lot because I don't think online relationships are very healthy.

 

Please tell me.....is it normal to feel this way. Does anyone have any advice?

[Els]

Welcome to the LDR forums.

 

Frankly, there is nothing wrong with meeting someone online, and falling for each other online. Plenty of people here have done so, and are currently in happy, healthy LTRs/marriages with their partners. Yes, it's a good idea to hold some reservation and to not invest fully until you have met, but Rs that start out online are not necessarily 'unhealthy'.

 

Don't hold the sins of your last partner against your current one. You worry about being the only 'giver', but from what I've read, the guy is buying a plane ticket to come and see you? Surely that is evidence to the contrary.

 

My advice: Just meet him when he comes, and try not to put yourself through so many mental somersaults before that happens. See if a real-life relationship develops between the two of you or not. Then you can tackle the problems (moving, etc) as they come.

 

I have to say that you cannot live your life for your mother. You can't live with her or close by forever just because she'd be heartbroken if you move. That doesn't necessarily mean you should move for this man, just that you should not be tying yourself down to your mother your entire life.

 

Good luck.

[peonybloomer]

It is an interesting story.

 

It's natural for you to feel depressed about someone you like a lot not being there with you.

 

The question you should ask yourself is what you value the most right now and what you would in the future. You might think you can do everything but truly, exchanges must be made. I'd say don't make any large decisions right now. Be cautious. Meeting him in real life would be a good idea, in order to receive a better feel about how this man is behind the computer. After that, you should start to decide what you really want and need.

[The Thinker]

I'm in a similar situation. It's extremely painful falling for someone who you can't be around, as you all ready know. If you don't think either one of you is going to move than the next x years could be very depressing and painful. You should probably bring this up if you plan on a future with him. I would assume one of you would have to make a move for this to work. Good luck with everything.

[FitChick]

You can't make any decisions based on "what ifs." Meet him and then decide. Keep reminding yourself that he isn't your ex so the outcome won't be the same.

 

You need to grow up sometime or risk being a very angry person when you are older, thinking about how you missed opportunities or your mother held you back.

[writergal]

I'll follow up with FitChick's post about taking risks in life while you're young, or face bitterness and disappointment for what you didn't try, later in life.

 

I had the chance at 17 to go to uni abroad that would have changed my life in exponential ways. But I chickened out and never followed through with that plan. As a result, I find myself hanging on to the past and feeling very bitter about "what could have been," had I only taken a risk and went through with my plan.

 

So, as someone who is living with HUGE regret and sadness, I warn you not to follow suit because of fear of the unknown. Fear itself, is based on perceived threats that have yet to happen. It's an emotional response to the perception of physical or psychological danger. Fear, in actuality, is a powerful weapon that we use against ourselves when we crave security and don't want to step outside the boundaries that we've built around ourselves as a secure cage.

 

Since you are both young and live at home, I can see why neither or you could justify leaving the safety of your current living situations; it's where your family and friends are. Why would you leave that behind for someone you barely know? If you think that way, it's because you put the cart (expectations) before the horse (reality).

 

Instead of putting conditions on each other, that either of you needs to uproot your life to move to the other's hometown; I would first start by dealing with the reality that he's only had virtual, online relationships. And that you don't think virtual, online relationships are healthy (they're not, by the way. You have to meet in person to see if what's developed is actually real or fantasy).

 

His investment so far is virtual. He hasn't met you in person yet to confirm or deny the feelings he claims to have for you. So, you need to start with a face-to-face meeting via a trip. One of you has to go visit the other. If you go, make it a round-trip 4-day trip; Fri-Mon. Stay in a nearby hotel (for safety reasons), take the bus, taxi or rent a car, and meet him/he meets you in a public setting (restaurant, coffee shop). Or, ask him to come visit you. But he cannot stay in your home. He has to stay in a hotel nearby. And I wouldn't pick him up at the airport/or have him pick you up at the airport. That's too jarring. You need to first decompress in your hotel room before meeting up.

 

If you can do the trip, do it. Bring a family member or friend if you are too scared to go alone. See what happens once you two meet in person, and spend the weekend doing fun activities together, and then base your next decision about where you want the relationship to progress to, after that.

 

Remember, don't put the cart before the horse. Deal with reality and see what happens.

Edited December 27, 2013 by writergal