mourningMM Posted January 6, 2005 Posted January 6, 2005 How much can one person handle in a single week. I found out that MM died on New Years Day. By Tuesday my current boyfriend and I decided that the relationship wasn't giving me what I need, and he will never be able to give me what I need. So, very nicely we decided to part ways...to leave me open to something more complete. But today my ex has let me know that he plans to give his OW an engagement ring within the next month. Let me explain. I loved my husband, but he left. He'd had an emotional affair with the OW, never allowing himself to look carefully at the problems we had in the marriage or communicate with me to work on them. He admits that now. I didn't have an affair until after we had separated, and then I was the OW. Now I have to be completely alone when he gives my future to her. She will be with my children in the 40% of the time that I can't because they are with him. She will see the things that happen in those days instead of me, and have the future that he and I planned with eachother. Bleak does not even begin to explain how I feel. I know my children love me, and she will never replace me as their mother. I am not alone. I have family, I have children, I have friends, I have collegues at my job, I even have a few guys that I can date casually if I am willing to be with someone who does not excite my passion. I'm relatively young (43), in good health (except for anxiety and panic attacks when this stuff happens), attractive (in a 1950's pinnup kind of body...lots of curves) and intelligent enough to know that I'll come out of this fine in the end. BUT MY HEART IS BLEEDING TEARS. I can't breath. My face is contorted with anger and pain and humiliation at being replaced, and not good enough to come first in anyone's life. I don't want the children to hear me cry yet again...I can't let them know until he actually asks and gives the ring. And by that time I have to find the strenght to make the kids really truely believe that everything will be fine in the end. I can pray for that strength, I'm sure it will come from deep inside of me. But in this very moment, I wonder what I have done so very wrong in my life that God has given me this trial and cross to bear. How can this all be happening in the same week? How can I handle this?
KissMyTiara Posted January 6, 2005 Posted January 6, 2005 I am not one to quote little Biblical verses or God-like stuff...but you query: "I wonder what I have done so very wrong in my life that God has given me this trial and cross to bear." Remember those little, yet profound, sayings, "He will not give you more than you can handle" and "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger"? You CAN handle this. You'll get through it. And in the end, you'll be stronger.
Author mourningMM Posted January 6, 2005 Author Posted January 6, 2005 And to find out how strong a woman is throw her in hot water? Your post made me smile. Thank you! I just don't want the kids to see me crying again.
KissMyTiara Posted January 6, 2005 Posted January 6, 2005 Then don't let them. Do it in the shower, on the way to work, at the grocery store, while on the waxing table... You CAN be their beacon of strength right now. They are going to be confused and scared, so they need you to be strong and emotionally stable for them. And if H is a man you care about as a human, and if you care about your kids, you don't want them hating their father. If they think he has caused you pain, they will.
quankanne Posted January 6, 2005 Posted January 6, 2005 I just don't want the kids to see me crying again sometimes, just sometimes, it's good to let your family knows that you feel pain. Or grief. Or soul-wrenching sorrow. Because as much as you don't want them to see their pillar of strength be weakened even to a small degree, they need to see that it's normal to experience that kind of pain, and that it really is all right to have such feelings. It will arm them by letting them see that being strong doesn't mean you have to deny your vulnerability, that after the tears have fallen, you're strong enough to forge your way ahead. Be honest with them by showing your tears every now and then, because while it might worry them now, it gives them the "okay" to feel bad about things. and it just might give way to dialogue that helps them clear some troubles they carry about you and their dad. just my thoughts ...
Author mourningMM Posted January 6, 2005 Author Posted January 6, 2005 Good thoughts. I can share my sadness, but only when I've passed through the first gut-wrenching sobs. No one deserves to see their mom laid out with grief by their father. No one deserves to feel like they have to take a side, and if they see that level of pain, they might. But I agree that the kids need to know their sadness/confusion about the engagement is valid and validated. And I need to be in a place where I can help them understand that they can still love their father while they are angry about something he is doing to me, to them and even to himself. I think it healthy for them to know that a person can love even through pain and anger. And to believe that love is not conditional... Unfortunately their Dad never learned that lesson, and once he started heading for the door, he never really believed that I could forgive him. So he never tried to turn around. I don't think he will ever really forgive himself. Someday I may forgive him...but not tonight. Tonight, god forgive me, I wish that both of them, he and the OW were dead. Just so I wouldn't have to face the pain of watching what I expected my life to be, to be put in the hands of a woman who: never gave him children. never put him before her career. never paid all of the health care bills. never catered the business parties that he threw. never spent years being the designated driver. never spent years covering for his absences with his children and his family. never made sure that he had enough time, once he left, to really connect with his children, even though it meant they spend less time with me. never waited after sailing for him to come home, only to have him stay out all night. never offered her mind, her heart, her soul and the words I love you as the response to mean spirited anger...the anger of a child not getting his way when he wanted to leave. Maybe I should have been a selfish, cold, insensitive bitch...instead of a loving, supportive, niave wife who thought that as long as she loved, did the best she could, accepted him as he was, he would appreciate her. Tonight I wish that he gets exactly what he deserves for what he has done, and that God, or Karma, or Fate let him taste in full measure the pain and grief that I feel right now. Tonight I wish for the justice and fairness that would exist in a world without laws that allow divorce. I wish for a society that makes a man who leaves a loving and caring wife an outcast. I wish for a society that doesn't exist. Tomorrow I will find charity and focus on being temperate and logical and supportive for the children. But for these few hours I will let myself experience the pain and anger and fear so it can roll through me and beyond. I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain. -Bene Gesserit 'Litany Against Fear' Dune
SoleMate Posted January 6, 2005 Posted January 6, 2005 While the anger tsunami is surging tonight, I hope you will also accept my sympathy and caring. Any other words will have to wait until you are calm and ready to hear them. Maybe I'm even afraid to offer my platitudes to someone who is clearly existing on an orthogonal plane of pain. The only hope is can give you right now is that the waters WILL subside, and the anger flow away, in time. Hugs, your suffering at this moment is something few of us can comprehend.
Author mourningMM Posted January 6, 2005 Author Posted January 6, 2005 Thank you all for your support last night. I'm still hurting, but in a better place today. Your healing suggestions are welcome, and will be heard now that the blood is no longer rushing in my ears. I just don't understand why I don't get what I think I deserve. I know life isn't fair, but man, this just s**ks. Maybe I am getting what I deserve. Wow, now there is a really cr@ppy though coming from my very mean subconcious. I don't have the kids tonight, and think I'll go to the gym and work out. Maybe I'll go to an art museum and eat a nice dinner too. Tsunami...yes, my heart and sould feel like they are littered with the mangled, dislocated, and and damaged debris of a love given to an undeserving man. A piece of a heart here, a slab of my sould there, and look, over there is a really funny looking crushed blob of self-esteem. Time to re-build. But I don't have the tools or the energy today.
KissMyTiara Posted January 6, 2005 Posted January 6, 2005 Originally posted by mourningMM Tonight I wish that he gets exactly what he deserves for what he has done, and that God, or Karma, or Fate let him taste in full measure the pain and grief that I feel right now. Tonight I wish for the justice and fairness that would exist in a world without laws that allow divorce. C'mon now, that's really, really harsh. Do you think your H would wish the same venom for you because of your affair with the deceased MM? As far as getting what you deserve....have you thought about it this way - that maybe you aren't getting what you deserve because what you deserve is something grand and magical, and that just because it's not in front of you at this exact moment doesn't mean that it's not on it's way? Positive thinking! What you "deserve" is out there, you just haven't run into it yet.
Author mourningMM Posted January 7, 2005 Author Posted January 7, 2005 Well, actually my ex would have been thrilled to know about it...it was well after we had separated, and he really wants me to just get over it. He's not particularly sensitve. It was the MM's affair...I was just a separated woman free to choose who to go out with. Sometimes I wonder if MM hadn't been married if it could have worked. I like your idea that I have a magical future. It is a good thought to go to sleep with. I did go to the gym, and the art museum, and then treated myself to desert and a cappuccino (decaf). I just hope that sleep comes easily tonight. Thank you for the good thoughts KMT, and everyone for their support.
Author mourningMM Posted January 7, 2005 Author Posted January 7, 2005 Sleep came easier that I expected, and I only woke up once ...but I think that was more due to "night sweats" than issues. I can't tell you how much help posting here has been. And all of the open support. Maybe because I could write and be heard I was able to sleep. I had to go to my son's wrestling match yesterday. It was his first wrestling match ever, and he won. His father was there, and I was strong enough to sit in the same room and not cry. That was the thought I held on to as I fell asleep...I was proud of that. And that I did healthy things like going to the gym, and taking myself to a museum....things he would have never done with me. Some day he and his new wife will be there. Between now and then I'll need to find the strenght to be calm and polite and not show any hurt or anger. My son doesn't deserve to be embarrased by that. These two paths that I'm on, knowing both sides of being an OW are hard to live with. But they are mine, and what I'm learning and feeling and the truth is that on both paths, although I'm not perfect and I've made mistakes, I have tried to do the right thing and be a good person. Of course there are those 'tsunami' moments...I was born with strong emotions that live too near the surface. I am learning to not let those moments ruin an entire life. My children deserve a better example than that.
whichwayisup Posted January 7, 2005 Posted January 7, 2005 MMM, You are truely inspirational with your words. How you express yourself, how you think and how you now are handling everything. The positive way you look at life even though right now your own life is turned upside down and there is alot of pain. You're very strong, very open minded! I wish you all the best and I know one day some guy is gonna walk into your life and make your heart sing! In my life I have issues, (don't we all) I always try and laugh - poke fun at myself even at my lowest moments...(I suffer from anxiety attacks! fun wow!) But one thing always is in my head, tomorrow will always be a better day. It is nice to see you have that attitude!! Hang in there, you're doing amazing!! WWIU
Author mourningMM Posted January 11, 2005 Author Posted January 11, 2005 I got a voicemail from him at my office, when he knew I was out of the office for the day. He is now officially engaged... "Hi, I have asked *** to marry me and she has accepted. I don't expect you will ever understand this, and I'm sorry for that. I know that you think that I could have done more, I honestly could not have, I'm sorry for that as well. Bye" That, after 3 years of living together 12 years of marriage, 5 years of watching me battle the anxiety attacks and depression brought on by his abandonment, and giving him two children. He didn't even have the balls to tell me himself...he left a message that tool less than 30 seconds to say. And why does this hurt?
Recommended Posts