LiliesNoLilies Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 First post. We met and fell in love madly and instantly. This resulted in a relationship only 9 months long, but one that has still left me depleted and devastated in its intensity. When things were good, I was happier than I ever could have imagined. Super duper love, you know. Soulmates, this made me believe. He was very clear in expressing his love to me, so wonderfully so. But then. He had a drunken-one-night stand - cheated, during a time we were long-distance for a couple months. As to whether or not something like this can ever be passed as a one-off human mistake, there are many opinions, I know. But then. He was deeply sorry and horrified himself. He made this clear to me with months of transparently regretful and loving behavior, so the relationship continued. We were more intimate than ever, and he seemed more resolute than ever, that I was the woman for him. Oh, but then! 4 months ago he suddenly left me. Although I managed the unimaginable (for myself) and forgave and got over the cheating, he says he never forgave himself. He doesn't feel ready for a relationship, and has obviously demonstrated this with his behavior too. He claims he doesn't know himself enough yet. But that I am the woman for him. But a break-up it is. So here we are. I chose to post this under Coping, because the break-up itself is hardly news anymore. It's been 4 months now, and I've done everything I can think of. I've done the begging and weeping. I've sworn off men and then turned around and slept around. I've worked on myself and my ambitions, also watched endless amounts of America's Next Top Model. I've reconnected with friends and been a brat to my family. I've also been drunk a hell lot, so I'd say I've gone about this in both constructive and less constructive ways. As for No Contact, I stayed out of touch entirely for about 2 months. This was very difficult but very helpful. Until a month ago, when he suddenly sent me a long love letter. There was a lot of "eternal love" and "future wife" in there. However, with no intention of him coming back anytime soon. This f*cked me up entirely, and I feel I've backtracked almost to the beginning again. This Christmas has been the worst of my life, a lot of crying and depressive thoughts, all of a sudden. As clearly as I see that this relationship was in many ways pretty damn bad, and that he is absolutely not acting in a way any boyfriend-person should, the fact is: I'm still so completely in love. Super duper love, still - and I hate myself for it. I'm very aware I CANNOT wait for him in any way, but honestly, I don't know how to prevent myself from harboring that hope deep down. I still believe we're soulmates, meant to be, unique and special, and all that cotton candy bullish*t that got me in this heartbreak in the first place. While I consciously know that it apparently was NOT meant to be, and was certainly NOT unique or special, I'm having major trouble letting go of these beliefs emotionally. Romantics of LS, speak to me? How do you shake this irrational sacred status of 'the one'? How do you fight off cynicism after heartbreak? To what extent do you believe love conquers all? Most importantly, how do you get your head to overrule your heart, i.e. how do you kill that hope? I will say this. NC this time around started yesterday, as I sent him a clear message saying I wished to not be contacted anymore. For how long should I plan this being? Maybe 6 months, maybe all of 2014, maybe forever?
StalwartMind Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 As much as you want him and you to be soul mates, regardless of the intensity/passion you've shared, and what you still fell towards him. He doesn't seem to be in the same place emotionally/mentally as you. Most of all it felt like, and I apologize for this, reading a story about someone fishing, he throws out the lure and reels you back in, over and over. This happens because you are in love with him, but can't see what the relationship is doing to you. The classic "love is blind". Now that's just painting the picture for you extremely simple, I'm well aware every story typically has a lot more depth and things to it, but regardless of how you feel towards him now, there are other men out there whom can treat you much better as well as not drag you through emotional instability. In no way was any of what I wrote above meant to make you feel worse, and since life can surprise you in endless many ways, yeps I guess he could be your soul mate, but he sure is not acting like it at the moment. I'm assuming you are young, but I don't like to assume, and besides there are people immature of all ages. Too many people don't really know what they want, and end up dragging others through a roller coaster experience with a lot of ups and downs. I guess the question is what you are willing to deal with and live with, we all have different limits.
Author LiliesNoLilies Posted December 28, 2013 Author Posted December 28, 2013 Thank you for your reply, StalwartMind, you are exactly right on many aspects. Love is blind, and I've even taken some sort of sick pride in giving my all to a love that brings this much hurt. Young we are, and I know he's quite immature in his self-esteem, and certainly does not know how to be happy in this world yet. What I've come to realize in this, is that I am immature as well - in allowing such a high and ultimate ideal such as love to completely cloud my judgement regarding the more simple things: being happy day-to-day, independent carefree living, etc. I've been focused on the top of the pyramid, but have neglected the ground base of it. What you are the most right about, is the fact that soulmate-crap or not, real love is actions. And loving actions aren't here, so all the rest is quite pointless, no?
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