Deathfire Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 Hope you can give me a bit of advice - basically I met a lady through the world of online dating. We were talking for 2-3 weeks before we met up - went on 3 dates. Towards the end of date number 3 she asked me to meet her parents on the thursday, and meet the rest of the family on christmas eve. I was really into her so thought 'great, sure.' Then after that date things went a bit silent for communication wise and I got the dreaded text of 'we need to talk about us.' Spoke on the phone and got the 'theres no spark' line...which was odd considering she asked me on date number 3 to meet family. I responded with a 'so this is the lets be friends where we dont talk, text or see each other ever again'(harsh but true) call, and things were left at that. I was bit gutted about it as I was really in to her. Fast forward a week I caved as I was really missing ger and sent a text to get a few things off my chest - it was all rather positive and I 100% was not expecting any kind of reply...so was a bit shocked when I did. The response was as follows. "'...thanks for your text, and I'm actually glad you did I have been thinking about you over the past week actually and thinking that perhaps I may have made the wrong decision. I know I was talking a lot about a spark, but maybe it was there but not in a way I thought it would be. I'm kinda new to all this so wasn't all that sure what to expect I would be up, if you want also for casual meet ups and see how it goes, just start out very slow, like get to know each other better as friends then take things from there, have a think because I know I ended it last time and neither of us want a repeat episode I think I was worried with it being close to Christmas & New Year that goin into 2014 with a very early relationship might have been hard, and put extra pressure on, ie new year, new start...." We've since spoken on the phone, laid down a 'if things are going completely friend zone for either of us can we both just be honest with each other' and are arranging to meet for a coffee this sunday and something outdoorsy related the following weekend with her sister/sisters boyfriend. So how does one go slow with this without knowing what the boundaries really are? I am right in thinking the dates should just be kept light & fun in these early stages(Ie no 'so lets have a romantic dinner?') And am I being daft for even giving this a try?
writergal Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 Hmmm. She's doing the ol' hot-n-cold routine with you. Not good. And you barely know each other. Do you have any other women whom you're interested in going out on some dates with? If you do, focus your energy on them instead of her. She doesn't sound very stable to me. Yes, dates early on should be fun and light and have none of this "we need to slow this down" talk. That's very strange for her to invite you to meet her parents on the 3rd date, but then pull back and give you the silent treatment, and then reappear interested after you text her to get a few things off of your chest. Hot-n-cold game, she's playing with you. Avoid her like the plague or she'll continue playing more mind games with you. I was fixed up with a guy by a friend this summer. This guy is a divorced father of 3. Well, on our first date he told me that he wanted me to meet his children and go up to his parents' cabin with him on our 2nd date. I was like, "um, thanks for the invite but I'll have to pass." Then during dinner he made sexual innuendos about my food and taking showers together. That's pretty much the point of the date when I pulled the plug and left. I put down my napkin, told him he was inappropriate, and that I was leaving and didn't want him to call me...ever. So he texted me 15 minutes later to call me a few choice names. I didn't respond to his text but I did call my friend and chewed her out for matching him up with me. Yikes. Anyway OP, she sounds like she comes with a lot of drama, and could be just waiting to unveil it on you. Ask yourself if you can "just say no," and go onward into online dating land and date some more women who won't put so much extreme pressure on you for no good reason. 1
Author Deathfire Posted December 27, 2013 Author Posted December 27, 2013 Unfortunately where I reside in the world the dating pool in general, even factoring online dating is...very restrictive so there are no other irons in the fire so to speak. I'm also 99% certain its the same on her side of things. Its difficult because she genuinely has got to me on some level - I wouldn't have normally caved and sent a text like I did otherwise. Over the course of our 3 dates we spent a good 8 hours I'd say together and I actually swear there was not a single awkward silence in any of it. Even talking on the phone the other day it was like nothing had happened and we were yapping away to each other. On the basis that I do go ahead with things, and I am going to be extremely guarded with it, what should I or should I not be doing? I'm not a pushy person at all I've got to stress. Also these 2 upcoming dates/hang outs of ours the coffee thing was a mutual thing that came up in our call, and next weekend was at my initiation - would I be remiss after next weekend to gauge her interest by have her organise the follow on/contact with no prompt from me?
newmoon Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 would she have contacted you if you hadn't texted her? probably not - it sounds like you were dumped after the first family gathering and your text was just a chance for her to string you along some more 1
writergal Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 Since you initiated the next date with her, then if it goes well, ask her out again at the end of the date. If she says yes, then great. Don't wait for her to make the move, since she already blew you off that one time. I realize your location may not have a huge population pool for single people, but I'm certain there have to be other single women available for you to date?
Author Deathfire Posted December 27, 2013 Author Posted December 27, 2013 would she have contacted you if you hadn't texted her? probably not - it sounds like you were dumped after the first family gathering and your text was just a chance for her to string you along some more Hi Newmoon - that was the thing, the meet the parents and subsequently rest of the family thing didn't happen. She raised it towards the end of date number 3, then 2 days later we had 'the talk'. And writergirl, my location is a island with a population of <90,000...trust me short of going out and doing the traditional bloke thing of get drunk/go on the pull 'dating' for us guys is restrictive. Theres a historic thread on here of mine about some woes I had back in feburary/march time - that was literally the last time I'd been on a date so its pretty slow going. The issue is I genuinely like this girl a lot(yeah usual story) - I just click well with her at some level - fool me twice, shame on me and all that. I need guidance on the go slow aspect. I'm also reluctant to do all the chasing about this time around. I assure you I have my guard up, and will be treading very carefully.
PegNosePete Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 OK, so she has basically rejected you, and is now saying that she misses the attention. She wants to have you fawning over her but without having to reciprocate. She even said herself "get to know each other better as friends then take things from there" - are you OK with that? If you are, then you shouldn't be! If you're friends then it is OK for her to be dating someone else in the evening after doing lunch with you? It's OK for her to be telling you all about her new BF who she is smitten with? That is what friends talk about - would you be cool with that? Here is what I would do. Tell her that you already have enough friends, you are looking for a romantic partner, and you like her very much. If she is also interested then she can let you know and you'd love to continue DATING. If not then you wish her good luck finding that someone special and say goodbye. 4
GemmaUK Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 OK, so she has basically rejected you, and is now saying that she misses the attention. She wants to have you fawning over her but without having to reciprocate. She even said herself "get to know each other better as friends then take things from there" - are you OK with that? If you are, then you shouldn't be! If you're friends then it is OK for her to be dating someone else in the evening after doing lunch with you? It's OK for her to be telling you all about her new BF who she is smitten with? That is what friends talk about - would you be cool with that? Here is what I would do. Tell her that you already have enough friends, you are looking for a romantic partner, and you like her very much. If she is also interested then she can let you know and you'd love to continue DATING. If not then you wish her good luck finding that someone special and say goodbye. I'd go with this. She is missing the attention. If the spark wasn't there enough for her to tell you so then it just isn't going to be there. In terms of small dating pool it's another good reason not to waste your time with her as you won't want to miss out on someone for whom the spark is there and you might just miss out while not knowing where you stand with this lady and hoping it'll turn into more. 2
Author Deathfire Posted December 27, 2013 Author Posted December 27, 2013 Thats a very valid point you both raise Gemma & Peg - and it is something I verbally said to her on the phone the next day following that response. I've made clear I am looking for a romantic partner and happy to date on the go slow. I've got enough female friends and not looking for more and stressed the importance of being upfront if it goes that way for either of us. I'll still go ahead with the coffee on sunday. The following weekend activity is actually on her to get back to me on definitively on booking nearer the time(as it may also involve her sister/sisters boyfriend who are visiting.) I think giving things a max of 4-5 hours over the next couple of weekends is reasonable and it will provide a more clear picture on the situation. I'll provide an update either way. 1
Author Deathfire Posted December 29, 2013 Author Posted December 29, 2013 So the update - spent a good amount of time with her today, had a couple of coffees talked about everything and lets just say things are looking rather good - Pretty much told me that I'm everything that she's looking for in a guy and she was so close to contacting me again herself. We are going to see & date each other and take our time with everything with the aim of building a good foundation for a solid relationship as its what we both want. Theres no other dating of other people going on and I've got my sensible head on. In a weird way, I think its worked out in a positive light that we had the blip early on to help us both understand what we wanted. I totally understand that some of you may think its just words and you've heard it all before. I may well be back on here in a few weeks bemoaning how its all gone wrong and some of you were correct with some of your thoughts...but hopefully not in this instance. We'll see what we see, but I honestly feel alot more positive about everything than I was before . Thank you all though for the advice & insight. 2
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