She disappeared on me after THIRD date. WHY???

[datingnoob93]

Hi,

 

I've had 3 dates with a girl from my school (we are both 20). Its been kind of slow but progressive, going from only a handshake at the end of the first date to a hug at the second to finally a kiss on the third date last Sunday. We also held hands briefly. So Monday morning she sends me a text saying she had a great time and would like to see me again, which I was really happy about because I really like this girl and I'm really starting to develop feelings for her. I texted her yesterday wishing her a happy holiday, but she did not respond, and a couple of hours later texted her to ask if she wanted to go to a party with me on New Year's day. She did not reply to that either, and has not called me. I can't call her because it goes straight to voicemail, and it gives me a "user hasn't set up voice mail error message. (its always done this even before these dates. I've never successfully called her, ever).

 

I don't know what to make of this. I have not heard anything since Monday morning. She's always texted me back before, although sometimes it took a few hours due to her working. How can somebody just totally disappear on me after THREE dates, and also telling me she wants to see me again? She even mentioned on our last date stuff she would like to do for the 4th date. My head is spinning at the possibilities..... did something happen to her? Is her phone broken? (she has an old flip phone so its definitely possible). Did she travel somewhere for the holidays to a place with no phone coverage? Or did she decide she just doesn't like me anymore ?? I'm confused and frustrated. What should I do at this point, keep texting her or wait for a bit to let her make a move? Thanks.

[from]

Hi,

 

I've had 3 dates with a girl from my school (we are both 20). Its been kind of slow but progressive, going from only a handshake at the end of the first date to a hug at the second to finally a kiss on the third date last Sunday. We also held hands briefly. So Monday morning she sends me a text saying she had a great time and would like to see me again, which I was really happy about because I really like this girl and I'm really starting to develop feelings for her. I texted her yesterday wishing her a happy holiday, but she did not respond, and a couple of hours later texted her to ask if she wanted to go to a party with me on New Year's day. She did not reply to that either, and has not called me. I can't call her because it goes straight to voicemail, and it gives me a "user hasn't set up voice mail error message. (its always done this even before these dates. I've never successfully called her, ever).

 

I don't know what to make of this. I have not heard anything since Monday morning. She's always texted me back before, although sometimes it took a few hours due to her working. How can somebody just totally disappear on me after THREE dates, and also telling me she wants to see me again? She even mentioned on our last date stuff she would like to do for the 4th date. My head is spinning at the possibilities..... did something happen to her? Is her phone broken? (she has an old flip phone so its definitely possible). Did she travel somewhere for the holidays to a place with no phone coverage? Or did she decide she just doesn't like me anymore ?? I'm confused and frustrated. What should I do at this point, keep texting her or wait for a bit to let her make a move? Thanks.

 

Just wait it out for now...it could be a number of things but no point in jumping to conclusions. My advice is to not contact her and just see when she responds and her reasoning for not doing so sooner.

[CptSaveAho]

The "smart" thing to do NEXT........................... Are you going to do this? (most likely not) If you get a date 4 with her, have sex with her on it.... Flip the script on her a bit, let her text you back/call you (dont answer) and respond 2 weeks later.... if she really likes you as much as she states, she will be acting like you are acting x20

[datingnoob93]

She pretty much never initiates contact. 99% of the time I'm the first one to text her. But she's always replied back until this week. Also the strange thing is that each date has been better than the last. First date was awful, lots of awkward silences, not knowing what to say, I was a nervous wreck. If there was any time for her to disappear on me it would have been after date 1. I would have totally understood that. She flaked repeatedly on me when I was trying to set up date 2, but again she always responded back and even apologized for not getting back to me. Third date was went well we were both really relaxed and talked a lot about many things.

 

I just don't get it. Why no response after good third date, but she responds always after awkward and nervous first date ???

[CptSaveAho]

flakey girl = not interested but nothing else better to do

 

girls dont always mean what they say, watch their actions

[Graduate]

It might be the holidays. Give it a few more days and wait to see if you get a reply. Do you have another way to get in touch with her other than her phone? Like email, facebook, etc.? If so, I would shoot her a short message after about 5 days of silence saying that you have not heard back from her and you are wondering if her phone is broken or if she might have lost it.

 

I don't think we are required to believe that someone has disappeared on us after a few dates and that it makes us pathetic if we get in touch again to see what happened. There could be various reasons why you have not heard back from her, it is not always the case that someone lost interest and does not want to see you anymore. And if this really is the case, but she is too cowardly to even send you a short text saying: 'Thanks, but I don't think this is working' then she is in the wrong and you have every right to inquire what happened.

 

I find that many people nowadays are very quick to shout 'next' if you tell them the person you have been seeing for a while has not replied to your last message(s) and admonish you to not even contact them anymore to find out what happened. Whatever happened to expecting common decency and respect and not assuming someone is simply rude and inconsiderate the moment their behavior changes? If someone tells us they like us, enjoys spending time with us and wants to see us again, are we the fools for believing them? I don't think so, I think they are in the wrong if they have lied, and if not but they have changed their minds, the least they can give us is a short answer saying they are no longer interested.

 

Sorry, got in a bit of a rant there. Just wanted to say that you should not assume the worst just now, but maybe give it a few more days and then try to contact her again with a different mode of communication. She is not your girlfriend yet, but only a girl you have been on a few dates with. At this point I think it totally fine to not be in daily contact, especially over the holidays.

 

Good luck!

[datingnoob93]

Unfortunately I don't have another way of communicating with her. So if she ditches her old flip phone and gets a smart phone with a new number then I guess I'm screwed. I hope it is just the holidays but again she should at least text me back when I wished her a happy holiday..... she's always always gotten back with me within a matter of hours in the past, but its been days now.

 

I thought maybe she is playing some game or testing me but that's just really cruel around Christmas time !!

[TB Rhine]

She gave you three dates, and what did she get? A handshake, a hug, and what I'm imagining to be the most tentative, schoolboy kiss that ever took place outside of a Backstreet Boys video.

 

You've got to AT LEAST get a hug at the end of the first date, just to break the contact barrier. Then a kiss by the end of the second, if not before. By the third date, you should be making some very decisive physical overtures to try to push things forward (not that you continue to push in the presence of resistance on her part, mind, but you do this to let her know definitively that you are interested and would like to move things forward - she then has the option whether to agree to see you again, knowing that this is the direction in which your mind is going).

 

The timetable moves up if she invites you into her apartment, alone, any time after the VERY beginning of the first date, when you are picking her up. At this point, you are required to make a physical overture. If you don't, she will not see you again. If she invites you into her bedroom at ANY point, you are required to make a more aggressive overture (something on the order of slipping your hand under her shirt and caressing her lower back while kissing her, say). Once again, you will stop IMMEDIATELY if she offers up any objection at all, which she likely will - the point is not "She invited you into her room, so she must want to have sex with you." Rather, the point is something more like, "She invited you into her room, so she must want you to show that you are *interested* in having sex with her. Not doing so is tantamount to rudeness, and she will take offense."

[Vogeltron]

First Question?

 

WHY THE F**K ARE YOU TEXTING A GIRL?

 

SERIOUSLY?

 

I am not that much older than you. In a real relationship this isn't Europe yet. But the man defines the relationship. Real Men do not send Text messages. Real men barely answer a Cell phone if they even have one.

 

If you are going to get in touch with a girl you sure as hell do not text message her. You call her up. If she does not answer you leave her a message. The fact she even knows you text is an amateur move.

 

Funny thing about America today. Most women say they want a Mans Man. Yet a bunch of sissy's who eat granola and text message Women rather than grab their balls and call them on the phone which ain't that difficult.

 

The Participation Trophy Generation which sadly I am apart of at its finest.

[Bigcitydreamer]

It breaks my heart to read this because I wonder if what happened was the same thing that I did to someone before and I'm not proud of it.

 

I broke up with my bf and then met a guy shortly after that I really did like. We went on a date, I had a great time and he was super cool. At the same time my ex was still slightly in the picture (I didn't actively seek this new guy out btw, it was a fluke we met and he was cool as hell so I wanted to hang out with him). I ended up getting back together with my ex and the new guy was still trying to make plans. I never really clarified what happened but we had many mutual friends so chances are he knows..

 

I feel bad about it to this day because the guy was great and I wouldn't want him thinking like you are right now. Maybe she is back with an ex. That really does explain so much of your story

[GemmaUK]

Maybe like me she has no phone signal at all.

 

I can receive texts but can't reply to any and can't make any calls on it.

I'm not even away from home either.

 

My phone has been like this since Christmas day morning.

 

The only other time it was ever this bad for this long was the last time I was at Glastonbury Festival and the networks just couldn't cope.

[BikerAccnt]

It's hard to say why people disappear/fade after dates. I don't like it being done to me, so I am direct in letting someone know I won't be calling them again. If I don't ask you out for a second date during the first date, or I don't say I'll call, then that's it.

 

 

It still happens to me too. Like you I'd recently gone on a date with a woman, it was a very good first date. She texted to say how much she enjoyed it, agreed to a second date on the first date. We even ended the first date with a small kiss. She texted saying she looked forward to going out with me again Saturday. Got a call later that week asking to reschedule, her sister was in the hospital. (She'd mentioned that on our first date). I said sure, I'd call her later in the week. Called her, straight to voice mail. Sent her a text, no response. Sent her one more wishing her merry xmas and wishing her sister well. Nothing.. Oh well, if she wasn't interested in a second date, why all the game playing? Not worth my worrying about it really.

 

 

 

 

She's still on the dating site we met on, and still active so, I assume she just wasn't interested in me. That's fine, just tell me that, don't play games and fade.

[theothersully]

First Question?

 

WHY THE F**K ARE YOU TEXTING A GIRL?

 

SERIOUSLY?

 

I am not that much older than you. In a real relationship this isn't Europe yet. But the man defines the relationship. Real Men do not send Text messages. Real men barely answer a Cell phone if they even have one.

 

If you are going to get in touch with a girl you sure as hell do not text message her. You call her up. If she does not answer you leave her a message. The fact she even knows you text is an amateur move.

 

Funny thing about America today. Most women say they want a Mans Man. Yet a bunch of sissy's who eat granola and text message Women rather than grab their balls and call them on the phone which ain't that difficult.

 

The Participation Trophy Generation which sadly I am apart of at its finest.

 

Disagree strongly. We have very different approaches, but yours is valid.

 

I text every time. I hate the phone. Lack of interpersonal communication on the phone.

 

I text a couple times and meet in person only. To me, a phone is too impersonal and I want to see them. The phone is for staying in touch with a girl you are serious about and know well, imo.

[RedRobin]

Disagree strongly. We have very different approaches, but yours is valid.

 

I text every time. I hate the phone. Lack of interpersonal communication on the phone.

 

I text a couple times and meet in person only. To me, a phone is too impersonal and I want to see them. The phone is for staying in touch with a girl you are serious about and know well, imo.

 

 

This is why I avoid men who text.

 

 

Once the texting starts, it sets a precedent these days... and they get lazy. Plus, it's how a lot of guys juggle multiple women simultaneously. Having to talk on the phone or picking up the phone is my way of knowing if a guy is truly available.

 

 

If all he does is text, collect voicemail, or call during certain times... its dollars to donuts he's got other ladies he's entertaining too.

 

 

... but back to the topic...

 

 

OP, somewhere around 3 or 4 dates is when a lot of women are making a decision about you. I disagree that trying to push for sex will help keep them around... A lot of guys do this to try and 'lock in' a woman emotionally while he peddles for more time.

 

 

Most healthy women a) won't be locked in emotionally just because they had sex OR b) won't have sex that early to begin with. If you want the unhealthy ones or you just want to get laid, then I guess follow the other men's advice here.

 

 

If you are looking for a relationship, you'll have to accept that this happens right about this time... and really probably anytime within the first few months.

Edited December 27, 2013 by RedRobin

[Jcksparr0w]

Its wintertime, and Christmas/New Years. There are dozens of reasons why people don't or can't communicate. Here in Toronto we have a hundred thousand people without power & no way to charge their phones. There are lots of technical & social reasons why people are unavailable by celphone, txting, or whatever.

 

Don't get impatient, don't jump to conclusions

[datingnoob93]

Still no call or text from her as of this morning. Its been 5 days now. I think the possibilities right now are all bad. If she finally replaced her POS flip phone without writing down my number then she has no way of contacting me even if she wants to. I can't get to her either except showing up unannounced to her house or work, and I cannot consider that a serious course of action. On the other hand, going deliberately going AWOL after THREE dates is just plain disrespectful.

 

I wonder if what happened was the same thing that I did to someone before and I'm not proud of it. We went on a date.... Like you I'd recently gone on a date with a woman, it was a very good first date

So you did it or it happened to you after 1 date which is understandable since you're basically still strangers. But after 3 dates is completely unacceptable without explanation. She can't just do that. I mean what the @#$# I spent 10+ hours with her alone and sharing intimate details about our lives and she just disappears ??? I've had (limited) experience with a couple of first dates with others before meeting this girl, and I am ALWAYS forthcoming if things do not go well. Like one girl told me she had a great time and wanted to see me again, I told her I also had a good time but instead of stringing her along I immediately added that I didn't feel any connection, and we ended amicably on the spot.

girls dont always mean what they say, watch their actions

I tell it like it is and I don't play stupid games. All I want is a simple call or text from her stating that she's not interested. Its the least she owes me. Then I can forget about her and move on. Instead I'm sitting here being paranoid, my head running at lists of possibilities. What happened? Why did it happen? Will I ever hear from her again? Etc.

 

She gave you three dates, and what did she get? A handshake, a hug, and what I'm imagining to be the most tentative

I get the feeling she wants to move slowly. I tried to embrace her at the end of the first date but she just offered her hand. But we are definitely progressing physically. We did hold hands on the last date as well, and she told me she would like to see me again at the end of our last date.

 

WHY THE F**K ARE YOU TEXTING A GIRL?

Cause I can't get through by calling I get an error every time. So she actually prefers text. Edited December 27, 2013 by datingnoob93

[KatZee]

Hi,

My head is spinning at the possibilities..... did something happen to her? Is her phone broken? (she has an old flip phone so its definitely possible). Did she travel somewhere for the holidays to a place with no phone coverage? Or did she decide she just doesn't like me anymore ?? I'm confused and frustrated.

 

Take notes people. ^^^ THIS is the reason that the "Fade Out" "Ghosting" "the Disappearing Act" and "the Houdini" are UNACCEPTABLE methods of backing out of a relationship.

 

I absolutely detest people that pull this move, it's cowardly and immature. I'd rather have someone be straight up and honest and not lead me on and make me this crazy.

 

OP you've called her more than enough times, texted her and have tried to reach her. Now you need to just leave it alone and see if she comes back. Don't push it any more. Tons of people pull the fade after saying things like she told you. I had a guy do this to me after asking me to hang with his family, go on so many dates, after sleeping together, after dating over 2 months. Just, GONE.

 

If she does get back to you, don't jump on messaging her back immediately. Wait a day or two, and she should have a pretty damn good valid reason if you continue dating her.

[mortensorchid]

I feel badly reading this. She's being either too flakey or unavailable because she's not that interested. At least, she's not that interested enough to do anything but give you a run around. I'd at least be courteous enough to get my phone working the right way for you. Forget her and move on.

[Phantom888]

Can you confirm that she is alive and not in a hospital fighting for her life? If she is not injured and just ignoring you, then she may have figured that she doesn't want to go out with you again. Maybe she met someone new. Or maybe she didn't feel chemistry via that kiss.

[Antares]

Sounds a bit flakey, but more so, I think it sounds like you're both nervous-slow daters. You definitely are...she might be (depending on how accurate you are in describing her and your dates)

 

Inviting her to a New Years Eve party is probably too much too soon, to be honest. That's a 'meet my friends' kinda deal and she may not be ready for that.

 

Date 1: You guys shook hands

Date 2: You guys hugged

Date 3: You guys finally kissed.

 

And you're proposal for Date 4 is come to this party and potentially meet all my friends.

 

She might be slamming on those brakes. Not because she may not like you, or the dates so far...but you've essentially just skipped Dates 4-9 in her mind.

 

Also; it's the holidays. People get wrapped up in family, travel, work, resting, etc. And it's stressful. If in all of that, she suddenly sees a bunch of texts and messages from you all within a few hours of each other that could make her retreat.

 

Think about it. She's busy with all these other things and starts seeing messages from you, each one appearing more needy than the one before. She has so much going on that she mentally checks you into the "Do Later" pile in her schedule. A day goes by and she thinks to herself..."Oh geez I never called him back, I'll do it later" And she never does. And suddenly what happens is, is that she mentally starts to associate you with something that isn't important. Do you get my drift? It's not necessarily a conscience behavior that she's thinking to herself. In fact, we all do that. But once that habit of "I'll call him later" starts, it's hard to go back. Her subconscious mind starts labeling you unimportant and not worthy of dates in her busy schedule.

 

And just because she seems shy or nervous on the dates, doesn't mean that's what she wants. She may have wanted you to take the lead more, kiss her sooner. Who knows, though, it could be any endless number of things.

 

And the point is you don't know. So just sit back, rest up and if she finally calls you - well..cool. If not..live and learn. You're not going to get them all. And some girls WILL flake on you. It's a part of dating, and if you can identify that kind of behavior early on, than it can only help you.

[winny]

Inconsiderate n coward people do this disappearing act.

Do you want to date such a person if she comes back later?

 

Unless she is in hospital completely drugged... U shouldn't give a damn about her.

[Keenly]

First Question?

 

WHY THE F**K ARE YOU TEXTING A GIRL?

 

SERIOUSLY?

 

I am not that much older than you. In a real relationship this isn't Europe yet. But the man defines the relationship. Real Men do not send Text messages. Real men barely answer a Cell phone if they even have one.

 

If you are going to get in touch with a girl you sure as hell do not text message her. You call her up. If she does not answer you leave her a message. The fact she even knows you text is an amateur move.

 

Funny thing about America today. Most women say they want a Mans Man. Yet a bunch of sissy's who eat granola and text message Women rather than grab their balls and call them on the phone which ain't that difficult.

 

The Participation Trophy Generation which sadly I am apart of at its finest.

 

 

Oh look a dinosaur.

 

This is 2013. The rules have changed.

[TheFinalWord]

Hi,

 

I've had 3 dates with a girl from my school (we are both 20). Its been kind of slow but progressive, going from only a handshake at the end of the first date to a hug at the second to finally a kiss on the third date last Sunday. We also held hands briefly. So Monday morning she sends me a text saying she had a great time and would like to see me again, which I was really happy about because I really like this girl and I'm really starting to develop feelings for her. I texted her yesterday wishing her a happy holiday, but she did not respond, and a couple of hours later texted her to ask if she wanted to go to a party with me on New Year's day. She did not reply to that either, and has not called me. I can't call her because it goes straight to voicemail, and it gives me a "user hasn't set up voice mail error message. (its always done this even before these dates. I've never successfully called her, ever).

 

I don't know what to make of this. I have not heard anything since Monday morning. She's always texted me back before, although sometimes it took a few hours due to her working. How can somebody just totally disappear on me after THREE dates, and also telling me she wants to see me again? She even mentioned on our last date stuff she would like to do for the 4th date. My head is spinning at the possibilities..... did something happen to her? Is her phone broken? (she has an old flip phone so its definitely possible). Did she travel somewhere for the holidays to a place with no phone coverage? Or did she decide she just doesn't like me anymore ?? I'm confused and frustrated. What should I do at this point, keep texting her or wait for a bit to let her make a move? Thanks.

 

Hi buddy, sorry for you have to go through this. You will have to deal with many flakes as you get into the dating world. You will learn to read between the lines as time goes on.

 

A few things.

 

One, she's 20.

 

Two, always look at actions, not words. When you first meet someone (she's 20, so I'm assuming very attractive) we want to believe every word they say. Most people are cowardly and will not tell you the truth if they are not interested. It happens to all of us. I have had it happen multiple times. the main thing is not to become bitter, but to learn to subdue your desire to fall for a girl too fast. That is hard for men b/c we are so visual, and seeing an attractive female can send our hormones raging, but you will have to keep yourself in check. If you don't you will come across as clingy or jealous, and often time young men will not even know they are coming across this way. The best way to do this is to not get hung up on one girl. Especially at your age. You should be talking to many women. When you only talk to one, you get mentally stuck on her. If one blows you off, you won't care b/c you can talk to others. If you don't want to talk to more than one woman (I don't mean sleeping with them all), you can focus on your life goals, which should be your top priority now anyway. At 20, I would not get into too deep of a relationship.

 

Third, someone else mentioned an ex or other guy, which is a strong possibility. Most attractive women have many men interested in them, which is why getting hung up only on one is not gong to help in the long run.

 

Fourth, I personally would not do group dates until she is your girlfriend, but that is me. Having her meet all of your friends does not sound intimate.

 

Fifth, if she messages you back, don't respond in 5 minutes. You are chasing too much. Women need time to wonder about you, discuss with their girlfriends, and process emotions (they don't fall in 5 minutes like guys) You might be more clingy than you realize, which can be a side effect of becoming fixated on only one girl.

 

 

On a side note, What woman does not have voicemail set up? Most women I know live on their phones. So, her girlfriends can't get ahold of her either? haha I'm not buying that. If she is that unorganized, do you want to deal with that? You seem much more punctual. I would take that as an early sign. I can handle a lot of differences, but when you have vastly different communication styles it can become annoying quick.

Edited December 27, 2013 by TheFinalWord

[Purepony]

Funny because this just happened to me about 2 weeks ago, i sent her a last text just sayimg it was nice to meet you and i guess you dont want me texting you anymore so take care then a day later she apologized and said she dropped her phone in the water.. now we're back to normal you never know

[datingnoob93]

Thank you for that video, TFW.

 

I know that ppl are advising me to just forget about her but after a couple of dates I definitely feel some kind of connection with her. Its easy to let somebody go after a first date because that person is basically a stranger you shared a meal with. But I've spent hours talking to this girl and told her a lot of deep and sensitive things about myself, stuff I haven't told anybody else about, and she has done the same to me. How can I just drop her like that....and how can SHE just drop ME like that ? I guess I'm too much of an idealist at this stage, I haven't really faced disappointment and rejection before so it hurts a lot.

 

She does get a lot of attention from other guys. She appears to be reserved at first but definitely has way more dating experience than I do and I know that she's had several boyfriends in the past. Maybe she is still seeing someone else. Maybe she uses her POS flip phone for guys she is dating on the side, and another phone for her regular guy. I have no idea. Its strange how the more desperate I am, the more "what if's" and "maybes" appear in my head.

 

I don't think she would be put off by the party invitation. It's not some house party hosted by my friends. Its a paid event at a posh hotel with live music, drinks, food, ball drop, etc. Pretty expensive to get in, and I know she is off that night. I thought she would be ecstatic that I invited her. Maybe's she's seeing somebody else on New Years....

 

she dropped her phone in the water.. now we're back to normal you never know

 

I REALLY wish this were the case. I guess at this point I will just wait it out like most people advised and resist the urge to contact her. It will be an excruciating wait for sure.