Guardedheart Posted December 26, 2013 Posted December 26, 2013 I have been reading your stories for a while and finally drew the courage to post. Like most of us here I found myself in a relationship with a married man. I knew he was married and the "friendship" that seemed so perfect evolved into an emotional and then physical relationship. The emotional relationship lasted about 14 months and the physical around 4. We were discovered via an anonymous email sent that he was being shady. I am almost positive that many many lies were told, the "relationship" downplayed and I was left healing my heart alone except for the one person that I told about the situation. The healing process has been ongoing and some days are better than others, but there is still a lot of hurt. I initiated NC and have done everything I can to remove him from my life. But he seems to still be lingering in my heart, even after all the lies and way he treated me. He left me out to dry to protect his image and lifestyle. I have thought through all sorts of revenge ideas that I know I will never do. Thought about coming clean to his wife because of the guilt I felt, and maybe even to hurt him a little... It's the holidays so I know it is worst, but I would think that after 4 months things would be better than what they are. For all of yu involved with a MM, please be smarter than I was. I knew deep down it would never work, but that glimmer of hope pushed me forward. Just needed to get some feelings out. I've made my mistake, living wth the pain, and working to mve on
whichwayisup Posted December 26, 2013 Posted December 26, 2013 Focus hard on the good people in your life. Genuine friends and family, people who love and care about you. That's a big step on getting over someone who hurt you, always surround yourself with loving friends/family. And, be good to yourself! Really, go on a spa day. The MM is not who you wanted him to be, he probably put on a bit of facade too, so chances are, how you built him up in your head during your A, isn't who he truly is. 2
Author Guardedheart Posted December 27, 2013 Author Posted December 27, 2013 Thank you.... And he isn't who I thought he was, I see that. I think I grieve more the man I thought he was and the companionship he gave me. Him being gone left a huge hole in my life that I am having a difficult time filling. Being the holidays, it just reminds me if how lonely I am. I know that I will be a better person, in due time. I just can't get over the sour grapes feelings that I am having and the thoughts that he "got away with it". I feel bad for me, I feel bad for his wife who he obviously is not honest with, and I feel bad for his child who will hopefully not feel the pain of this situation. Just a lonely time of year and those of us with bruised hearts are really feeling it.
whichwayisup Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 Thank you.... And he isn't who I thought he was, I see that. I think I grieve more the man I thought he was and the companionship he gave me. Him being gone left a huge hole in my life that I am having a difficult time filling. Being the holidays, it just reminds me if how lonely I am. I know that I will be a better person, in due time. I just can't get over the sour grapes feelings that I am having and the thoughts that he "got away with it". I feel bad for me, I feel bad for his wife who he obviously is not honest with, and I feel bad for his child who will hopefully not feel the pain of this situation. Just a lonely time of year and those of us with bruised hearts are really feeling it. That's the toughest part. He isn't and never was that man you created him to be. Gotta kill that fantasy man! Go through the stages of grief, it's normal..Just don't beat up on yourself. You made a bad choice by having an A, forgive yourself and as time goes on, forgive him, that way you don't hold onto bitterness and resentment. He's scum. A liar, cheater and someone who isn't worthy of your love. When the timing is right, in the future, a great guy will come into your life and you'll find happiness again. 2
Oldspiceywolf Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 I'm going to start the discussion. I think you should disclose. I never told my APs man that she cheated on him, she even tried to be with me before the wedding during her bachelorette party(an onslaught of emails I responded to by saying I was in Hawaii on my own honeymoon, I didn't cheat on my wife with her, it was a long mess) but I feel bad for letting them get married without him knowing what he got into. I decided that if any of her family members or friends(20+ know) decide to disclose the real situation to him one day and he came asking, I'd disclose everything. You don't have to feel guilty either, he cheated what ever fall out happens is on his back. You mentioned that this was a thought pattern you had so I thought I'd adress it. If you ever decide to disclose make sure you give concrete undeniable testimony with physical proof so that he doesn't gaslight, she doesn't rug sweep, and you do t get made out to look like a crazy stalker. Hope you feel better, I know the pain. 1
Ruffian1 Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 I think you should disclose. I agree. Please tell her what kind of guy her husband really is. 1
vanellope Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 don't disclose it. because you think you are helping her looks clear, but the real situation is she will not going to thank you but will try to ruin you instead, sometime she will do it togerther with MM. wife will try to destroy the woman outside first, only if the MM show he want to devorce her to be with OW, otherwise wife will just take him back.
krazikat Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 don't disclose it. because you think you are helping her looks clear, but the real situation is she will not going to thank you but will try to ruin you instead, sometime she will do it togerther with MM. wife will try to destroy the woman outside first, only if the MM show he want to devorce her to be with OW, otherwise wife will just take him back. Some ow like to place as much blame and negativity on the wife as possible to avoid owning their own mess. ^^^^^ I would urge you to read posts by people if you consider taking their advice so you know if they are in the right frame of mind to be offering such advice. The fact is, many bs send the ws packing when they find out about an affair, but ws cries, begs, and pleads to stay married, in many cases. Read the infidelity side... Typically, a bs is not going to attack the ap unless the ap provokes. Yes, there will be anger...obviously...but consider how you would feel if roles were reversed. So the bs yells, cries, etc. Most people could understand that response. So what if the bs stays with the ws? They make that choice and have to live with it. At least they were given the opportunity to make an educated decision instead of being forced to unknowingly live a lie. 1
Author Guardedheart Posted December 27, 2013 Author Posted December 27, 2013 I thnk if I Was to disclose it, I should have done it when it was initially discovered not 4 months later. I think we should all work on healing ourselves and me popping up to tell the truth won't help with any healing that they have done as a couple. Maybe this made them a stronger coupe, at least that is what I am going to tell myself. The feelings I have are normal and expected. I just didn't expect the anger. I have gone through many break ups before, but this one feels very different. A lot of the feelings and emotions have surprised me Thank you all for your words of wisdom. And for deleting the not so friendly words... I am going to keep reading, maybe keep posting getting attacked on my first post was not really what I was looking for, and keep working on me.
Baby123 Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 (edited) And also since your very pent up about the subject, i'll have you know that MM also said he'd love my children more as - a) he loves me more and would love to have a daughter who was perfect like her mummy and b) because he's matured, when he had his marriage and kids he was so young and unstable and never knew what he wanted- now he's older he'd be more settled and have more time for our children. We were just debating whether its harder being the 1st or 2nd wife... and I was saying the 2nd wife will always have to deal with the fact she wasn't his first, his first child, his first house being bought ect ect. And that his family as in mother will never be as good with the 2nd wife. I worry what you'll make of all that Edited December 27, 2013 by Baby123
halfalive Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 Thank you.... And he isn't who I thought he was, I see that. I think I grieve more the man I thought he was and the companionship he gave me. Him being gone left a huge hole in my life that I am having a difficult time filling. Being the holidays, it just reminds me if how lonely I am. I know that I will be a better person, in due time. I just can't get over the sour grapes feelings that I am having and the thoughts that he "got away with it". I feel bad for me, I feel bad for his wife who he obviously is not honest with, and I feel bad for his child who will hopefully not feel the pain of this situation. Just a lonely time of year and those of us with bruised hearts are really feeling it. I know exactly how that feels - grieving the man you thought he was, the man he seemed to be when he was with you. I have struggled and struggled with this and even now, though I've talked to him since and we have made amends, I struggle with wondering who he really is, maybe he still is that person, I don't know. I don't know what advice to give you about his wife. I didn't tell her but one of my family members did. She took out her revenge on her husband (now ex). I have never seen or heard from her, which surprises me. I still wonder if I'll get a phone call, letter, visit? I've thought about writing her an apology letter but I don't think that would help much. I'll tell you this much - our ending would have been much different if someone hadn't told her. I would have been saved much grief and sorrow. I believe that you will end up looking like the villain, as I did. Juist my thoughts.
Author Guardedheart Posted December 27, 2013 Author Posted December 27, 2013 I know exactly how that feels - grieving the man you thought he was, the man he seemed to be when he was with you. I have struggled and struggled with this and even now, though I've talked to him since and we have made amends, I struggle with wondering who he really is, maybe he still is that person, I don't know. I don't know what advice to give you about his wife. I didn't tell her but one of my family members did. She took out her revenge on her husband (now ex). I have never seen or heard from her, which surprises me. I still wonder if I'll get a phone call, letter, visit? I've thought about writing her an apology letter but I don't think that would help much. I'll tell you this much - our ending would have been much different if someone hadn't told her. I would have been saved much grief and sorrow. I believe that you will end up looking like the villain, as I did. Juist my thoughts. I think some of my issues are when she found out something may have been going on everything stopped. I ceased to exist anymore. Part of me wants some sort of closure, an apology I will never get. I want something that I will never get and I am trying to be ok with that. I am not sure of she knows who I am, or any of the details about what really happened. I already feel like a villan so I don't thnk I need other people making me feel the same way. That's why I am not really convinced I should disclose. I'm trying to just muddle through these waters and not cause any more damage than I have already done.
halfalive Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 I think some of my issues are when she found out something may have been going on everything stopped. I ceased to exist anymore. Part of me wants some sort of closure, an apology I will never get. I want something that I will never get and I am trying to be ok with that. I am not sure of she knows who I am, or any of the details about what really happened. I already feel like a villan so I don't thnk I need other people making me feel the same way. That's why I am not really convinced I should disclose. I'm trying to just muddle through these waters and not cause any more damage than I have already done. I'm sorry. From experience - the apology may not give you the closure you're looking for and you may feel more empty. I did anyway. I didn't feel satisfied with the apology that I got and I still don't have closure. I think that's the thing about affairs - maybe what makes them so enticing. There is rarely the closure like you might get with a normal relationship break up. I'm just speaking from my experience with normal breakups vs. this affair.
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