NC sucks

[Baby123]

Me and separated MM are on NC while we have a chance to have a think as we were having a lot of fights and arguments (due to the age gap, me moving away for my first big job, and the BS suicide attempt.)

 

In this time I've been thinking that maybe its easier for me to have a man without baggage and someone my own age- although I do love him, but I do you need more than love.

 

But as soon as something bad happens in my life- I want to run to him eventhough I know its not probably right for either of us in the long term.

 

Wow, I love him, his kisses, his arms, his love.

[Clay]

I am very sorry you are going through this but I think your initial impression is probably the most accurate. The age problem will be the down fall and it most likely wont work in the long run. I do hope you can get through this and find someone closer to your age. You do deserve to be loved and cared for just like everyone else.

 

I hope you had a wonderful Christmas.

 

Clay

[Baby123]

Thanks Clay,

 

Its just been such a tough year with the fallout from him leaving. We never really prepared for all of this.

 

I could personally live with the age gap- because life is too short to be without the one you love. I would cherish him.

 

It is hard for him. Everyone seems to want to say, 'hes a MM therefore hes the devil' but hes not.

 

He left, quickly and as promised (we didn't cheat and lie for more than 2 months) and then it kind of hit us how impractical our relationship is.

 

And he just has so many people surrounding him, telling him that he needs to get out and I'm to young and i'll leave him for someone else blah blah... and its hard for a man whose had security for 20 years?

 

Its hard for a 40+ man to deal with his 23 year old gf getting hit on, going out ect and not feeling like maybe one day, years down the line I might leave him.

 

He doesn't want to ruin my chances of having a global career, like the BS never let him take opportunities and that was one of the major sources of resentment in there marriage. He knows I live to work just like him.

 

Its so hard. I want to run back to him.

 

Also merry Xmas and a happy new year to you too

Edited December 26, 2013 by Baby123

[Clay]

The age is probably a issue for him and while he does not want to admit it he is probably being told this same thing from other people. If you are working on your carrier now imagine how it will be when it gets full blown. He can see how difficult it will be to maintain a relationship with someone and do that.

 

My marriage did party fail due to my working on my career. While I do blame the xW for cheating on me I do also recolonize my failures in the relationship. He might be doing some self checking as well at this point in time.

 

I am really sorry you are going through this maybe if you give him more time he will contact you and you both can discuss things as they will be more clear.

 

Clay

[Baby123]

Thanks Clay- its so hard as we literally do love each other.

 

I know we've hurt people but maybe its our karma.

 

I just don't want to be on and off anymore

 

As a guy... does absence make the heart grow fonder or forgetful?

 

My experience with my MM has been fonder so far... but I wonder if there will be a point he forgets me

[ElectricTangerine]

Is he actively divorcing? Thinking about fixing his marriage?

 

I can relate to your situation a lot. My xMM and I also had a big age gap, but honestly to me that was never an issue. He really struggled with the age gap in the beginning, but eventually came to terms with it. I really think the age gap is not a huge issue if people in the relationship are compatible in lifestyle and future goals. But both partners have to be damn comfortable with who they are and their choices, because otherwise the pressure from other people destroys the relationship. It's definitely not for the faint-hearted. What absolutely smashed my relationship with xMM to pieces was the fact that he was married (duh!!) and kept key elements about the state of his marriage from me. In addition to being really passive about divorcing. I ended it and I miss him so much sometimes. I understand the desire to run to him, especially when something bad happens. We were each other's refuge. I miss the intimacy, the cuddles, hugs, kisses. I miss falling asleep in his arms and waking up next to him. But in the end, the relationship is just not feasible in this state and I need to let go of that bond.

 

If he is divorcing and the relationship is otherwise great, you might consider giving him a chance. But both of you have some serious thinking to do, and in order to move on in any direction you need NC. Otherwise, you two will just distract each other from figuring things out. Not to mention, you will be going back to the same relationship dynamic with plenty of arguing. Bad option either way, so give him and yourself the time and space to make some decisions.

[Snipercatt]

Blue, I know you love him and age doesn't seem important, at the moment.

 

The older he becomes the more important the age difference will be to HIM, regardless whether it matters to you. If this is where his head is at 40+ you can expect it to be even more set at 45+ and so on.

 

It isn't about you being hit on, it isn't about you leaving him for someone else. Those are the excuses someone gives you when in reality it is the impractical circumstances of the relationship. Those other excuses are given to soften the blow.

 

I agree with Clay, he is self-checking. No matter what happens going forward, it will never be the same.

 

Hang in there.

[Baby123]

What is self checking?

 

And tbh its not the age gap as such but we're at such different life stages.

 

The month XMM moved out to be with me, I told him my plans to move to different countries and to do different things in the next 10 years...

 

I also was getting chased by a guy id liked for years who MM fb stalked and was very intimidated by... he said that he just knew that one day someone would take me off him. Maybe not now, but in 10/20 years.

 

He can't do those things with a business and children.

 

Hes been living seperatley for a year- there processing a divorce atm- but the BS and children are fighting hard to stop it...

 

I just hate no contact. ARGH.

 

I hate being young I hate that I make MM cry everyday.

[Snipercatt]

One of the biggest reasons you are at different life stages is because of your age difference. there's a lot of living done between 23 and 40+. A lot! Most times love is not enough to bridge those life stage differences.

 

You charted your life's course without him in it as evidenced by the fact that he can't do those things you've intended to do because he is at a different life stage. That is apparent in your posts and must be grossly evident to him in real life.

[Baby123]

Its like I live in a catch 22.

 

I would want to be with him forever.

[Snipercatt]

Baby, it isn't really Catch 22. You are trying to overcome almost overwhelming probabilities, not in your favor, that are more about lifestyle choices and less about age.

[Baby123]

I just wish I could do something.

 

Anyway thanks for giving me a place to vent guys as I'm trying to keep this no contact and only speak to mm when we know in our minds 100% what we want

[LornaFE]

Baby keep up the NC! I am experiencing myself right at the moment how hard it is to establish a NC in the first place. So try to think of something else, play some stupid computer game, go out with someone, all that.

[Baby123]

I think last night was a blip, I needed to rant.

 

I am doing okay with NC on the whole, MM will be feeling the affects more I would imagine. I think I was worried about the holidays as it is 'down time' I wanna be in work with a million things on my mind.

 

I hope yours goes well! Merry Xmas and New Year.

[Clay]

You can rant any time you want. We all need people to talk to from time to time.

 

I am glad you are feeling better today.

 

Clay

[halfalive]

Reading this kind of smacked me in the face. I've been really struggling with why my xMM doesn't want me now that he's single and I wonder if he fears the age difference. He is 40+ and I'm just a couple years older than you, Baby123. In my opinion, I can't stand men - HAH, make that boys - my age. My husband is several years older than I am and I still find him too young. Maybe I'm an old soul?

[Baby123]

Ah it very well might be a reason- people dismiss age but it's a big thing- when were 50 and there 70 there will be a big gap.

 

In fact my friends mom is married to her mm, she was in a similar position to me, 20 years younger and madly in love- now she's stuck with someone who is less mobile and ageing way quicker than her she said it's the worst mistake of her life.

[Wambo]

What is self checking?

 

And tbh its not the age gap as such but we're at such different life stages.

 

The month XMM moved out to be with me, I told him my plans to move to different countries and to do different things in the next 10 years...

 

I also was getting chased by a guy id liked for years who MM fb stalked and was very intimidated by... he said that he just knew that one day someone would take me off him. Maybe not now, but in 10/20 years.

 

He can't do those things with a business and children.

 

Hes been living seperatley for a year- there processing a divorce atm- but the BS and children are fighting hard to stop it...

 

I just hate no contact. ARGH.

 

I hate being young I hate that I make MM cry everyday.

 

 

I don't want to sound cruel but your MM may of done you a big favour in the long run. Our situation have an awful lot in common, there are some big differences but the resemblance is scary.

In my situation I'm not the OW or the MM. I was the other guy and it was her relationship with an older man that caused our friendship to turn into an EA. Make the situation worst her older boyfriend used to stalk me and one time sneakily tried to hit me. Anyway I had left this type of situation and ever since she been trying to get me back.

 

I'm not saying you would seek a younger man if your situation worked out with your MM. However it's a big possibility you would want attention from a younger stallion because your older man will not meet all your needs.

[Baby123]

Thanks for your input- I know I need a young man deep down. Since we've been nc I've been alright and thinking about new young guys but I like the security he brings me... ESP when I'm feeling down.

 

Are you still seeing your mw?

[truthbetold]

Baby,

 

I'm not going to comment on the whole age thing. Because while the posts that are telling you at 23 you have no idea how you will really feel about him at say 43, or even if you could really be in the right mindset to commit forever to any guy, that's a debate for another day!

 

What did stand out for me was your comment "you live to work". That's pretty strong for an outlook on work because I am the complete total opposite. I work to live. I say that expression all the time, my family comes first. Now it just so happens I got an awesome new job that I really love right now, but it will never be "first" and I was upfront about that from the get go.

 

Think about that hard as you move through life. Even though this MM shares that outlook, at 20 yrs your senior he is winding down. You will likely need someone with your exact mindset about work. But the BIG thing you will need to embrace is that means your personal life, men, husbands, family or whatever, are going to be a distant second. If you are with someone that also lives to work you two may be passing each other like ships in the night. Sure, in Hollywood movies there are power couples strong in work and play, but that's not how real life works.

 

To "live to work" requires sacrifices on the personal end. No two ways about it. You may wish to have a balance and eventually a good, strong marriage but that's just it, in order to have a balance you wouldn't have the mindset "live to work". Marriage is work too. Different and rewarding and nurturing work, but still "work".

 

I'm not saying you can't be successful and happily married. But I do believe you can only do so much and put in so much time work wise before the marriage/relationship would suffer. If you tip the scale towards work being more important than the marriage, then the marriage/relationship would be neglected. Simple math, you can't give your all to both things. That's likely what MM sees and being older, he recognizes.

 

You may decide later that a relationship is more important. Those are the kinds of things that may shift for you as you get older but then again, maybe not. You may be one of those that truly does just want to make a name for yourself in your career. So for your own future's sake be upfront and honest about that with potential guys because if you kid yourself that you can do it all, it will inevitably lead to disappointment for you and them.

[Baby123]

Maybe that's a strong statement to make- but I'm definatley career orientated. It doesn't mean I don't care about anything else but that is a big thing for me.,

 

Me and mm agree that we would rather be a couple with a small family and do loads of holidays ect. We both enjoy working and being successful - whereas mms bs just wanted to go out and get pampered ect. I could never be a house wife or work part time long term.

 

I think it is about a balance but my career is a bigger deal to me then most peoples is to them. As a woman I know ill have to make sacrifices. My mum sometimes gets upset about it- but I just do love the thrill of doing well.

 

Mm credits one of the biggest reasons for his m failing was there compatibility work wise and what they both wanted to achieve.

Edited December 28, 2013 by Baby123

[yellowmaverick]

I don't think that the age difference should matter as much as the maturity level. TBH , from the way that you write, you seem much younger than 23. Take some time to grow up a little before you commit yourself to ANY relationship.

[Baby123]

Thanks for the advice yellowmaverick- really really appreciate it.