Sunshiner Posted December 26, 2013 Posted December 26, 2013 I'm in a long distance relationship with a man whom I am considering to marry. I come from a very loving family and Christmas is a major holiday for us. I remember the magic of Christmas when I was a child and I want to make sure my future children have the same experience. My boyfriend had a different experience. His parents were not the nicest people in the world. They didn't celebrate Christmas or birthdays. They don't have any particular reason why. They have American backgrounds, they are not particularly religious or anti-religious, nor are they poor. My boyfriend refused my attempt to send him a Christmas gift and told me that it will remind him what he lacked in his childhood. Last night after talking on the phone with my boyfriend, my mother asked me if he went to visit family for Christmas. I told her no and explained that he grew up not celebrating Christmas or birthdays. She was mortified and asked me why I would date such a man with a weird family background like that. I told her it's not his fault. Then she explained that it's very important to find a man with similar family values. It's something that she learned when her first marriage failed. I messaged him today asking whether he is planning on celebrating Christmas and birthdays if he has kids. He replied that it depends on the wife. It wasn't the reply I was looking for. I decided not to question him further about it since I don't know whether I'm overreacting. I'm worried that if I marry this man I would have to do all the work to make Christmas fun. I'm questioning whether he will be able to put heart into something that he never experienced. Is my mother right? Is this a red flag?
d0nnivain Posted December 26, 2013 Posted December 26, 2013 It may be that since he doesn't have strong feeling one way or the other, he's willing to do whatever his wife wants. So, no I don't think it's a red flag. It's never too late to have a happy childhood, even if you have to create it yourself. 2
BikerAccnt Posted December 26, 2013 Posted December 26, 2013 (edited) Listen to your heart. Only you can decide this. But yeah, it may well effect his parenting. My Ex, didn't celebrate Christmas, or any holidays' for that matter. She was a police officer, and as such usually worked them. For her, it reminded her of bad times, not good. I can't say that I blame her, handling fights, burgleries, murders (she worked NYC) couldn't have left good memories. Still, I put all the work into holidays, eventually, that along with other things took it's toll. You really do want someone to celebrate times with you. Nothing wrong if they can't, but, they may not be right for you then. Edited December 26, 2013 by BikerAccnt
newmoon Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 your mom is right. you can have zero in common with someone in terms of hobbies and interests, etc. but the core values have to match for it to sustain long-term. if you value family and he does not, it's a big red flag. his childhood may not, in fact, be his fault, but he's a product of his upbringing and it will influence his actions when he becomes a husband/father.
FitChick Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 It sounds like he'd be open to it if his wife wanted a big holiday celebration but if she didn't, he wouldn't care either. I don't see that as a red flag.
aussietigerwolf Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 My ex was not just meh over Christmas he took it as a personal insult and ranted and raved constantly, determined to ruin it for everyone including his young son. My boyfriend is meh over Christmas but happy for me to make a fuss for the benefit of my son.
CrystalCastles Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 I think that if he is a loving man who truly wants to make you happy, he'll go along with it. And of course, it will make his kids happy too, which is something that should be important to him.
Keenly Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 Your mom is telling you to break up with a man you feel like marrying because his parents never celebrated Christmas? People break up over the most stupid reasons. Please don't add this to the list. You never even gave him a chance to try.
writergal Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 Not having the same values as your husband is a huge red flag. It's why people get divorced, because they married the wrong person. If your gut (i.e. you, not your mother) is banging the red flag alarm bells about this, then you need to listen to yourself. You know what you want. It doesn't matter what your mother or anyone else says. Frankly, he sounds like the type who likes to blame everyone else for what he didn't get. And who wants to be married to someone who does that? Every year that you're married you two will fight/argue about going to your family's for Christmas or any other holiday that you celebrate together. He'll blame you for forcing him to do something he never had before, and you'll blame him for being un-supportive. This is before children come into the picture. I think if you go through with the marriage, know exactly who you are marrying and the baggage that comes with him. If you marry this guy, just be aware that you'll likely spend every Christmas (and every other) holiday without him, b/c you can't force him to go against his will. 1
Keenly Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 I don't know where you people are pulling all of this " evidence " from, because so far I see a guy that's just kind of " meh " on Christmas because he has never really had a good one. Writer.... where exactly are you getting the idea that he blames other people for how he feels ?
emva07 Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 Lmao. Mortified??? Oh Amurika. I think you're overreacting, not all of us had the same cookie cutter up bringing. He said it depends on the wife, meaning he will work with you to make it work so that you're happy. If you want a cookie cutter husband, by all means, get one.
writergal Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 (edited) From the OP's post: My boyfriend had a different experience. His parents were not the nicest people in the world. They didn't celebrate Christmas or birthdays. They don't have any particular reason why. They have American backgrounds, they are not particularly religious or anti-religious, nor are they poor. My boyfriend refused my attempt to send him a Christmas gift and told me that it will remind him what he lacked in his childhood. He refused to let the OP send him a Christmas gift because it would remind him that his childhood sucked. I think that's pretty selfish on his part. Get over it already, and accept your fiance's Christmas gift. What a jerk. He's already got the OP walking on eggshells over a nice gesture of sending him a gift. What's he going to do when the OP tries to send him a birthday gift? Cry? Yell? That's why I think he's projecting his own junk onto the OP already and they're not even living together. If he's going to pull this kinda thing when the OP tries to give him Christmas gifts in person when they're married, I think that will just make for a very awkward, egg-shell-walking marriage. They have very different values. I don't see this relationship working because of that. Edited December 27, 2013 by writergal 2
writergal Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 And his whole 'depends on the wife' excuse is so passive-aggressive and lame. It's passive aggressive because instead of taking responsibility, he makes it the OP's job to make him happy. And it's lame because it's a cop-out reason; a red flag to the OP that she shouldn't expect him to participate in any Christmas kind of celebration in the future. He wouldn't accept her Christmas gift. What makes the OP think he'll let her decorate their house, or exchange gifts with him if its so traumatizing that he won't accept a gift from her now, sent long distance? His apathy is a huge red flag. Why am I the only one who can see it that way?
Keenly Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 If thean doesn't want a gift... he doesn't want a gift. From where I sit, its selfish of some to insist that they take your gift that they said they didn't want. We can't make generalizations about the person as a whole based on their childhood. My childhood, my parents were alcoholics. Every night they would get hammered and argue. Now I don't like to drink alcohol. That does NOT mean I would have any problem being with some one that did. Just like this guy probably would have no problem doing Christmas stuff to make you happy. Its when people insist that others have the same feelings about the same things that they do that problems start. If you INSIST that he loves Christmas as much as you do, it won't work. If you meet him halfway, and he meets you halfway, it can work just fine.
emva07 Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 if the guy doesn't want the present, he doesn't want the present! Does that make him the anti-Christ? or a baby Jesus hater? There's more to Christmas then the commercialized gift giving.
Author Sunshiner Posted December 28, 2013 Author Posted December 28, 2013 Hi everyone! Thanks for the comments. It's something that me and him will have to sit down and talk about face to face. I was pretty unhappy with the gift refusal and his lack of determination of making Christmas happen for his future kids. I hope to work things out with him.
Chocolat Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 Yes, his childhood will affect how he parents. He may compromise on the issue of Christmas, but the bottom line is that unless he has done a ton of introspecting and self-analysis, he is likely to parent the way he was parented. This is what he knows and feels comfortable with, even if it isn't what he liked himself. Now if your guy has spent time analysing what his parents did, how it affected him, and how he will be different, that might be another story. But it's not likely that just having a child with him will change ingrained attitudes and behaviors.
Grumpybutfun Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 (edited) Hi everyone! Thanks for the comments. It's something that me and him will have to sit down and talk about face to face. I was pretty unhappy with the gift refusal and his lack of determination of making Christmas happen for his future kids. I hope to work things out with him. It is possible since he was so adamant to not accept your gift that he will not want to participate in the holidays in the future. I mean, one gift versus the whole tree, lights, carolers, seeing Santa, etc. is goings to be way more triggering to a child of neglect than a gift from his gf. When you love someone and you want to make them happy, the receiving and acceptance of gifts is mandatory to make your SO happy. That is common sense. On a more serious note, childhood neglect is a form of child abuse and he sounds as though he really needs to see someone to talk about this. As someone whose wife had a similar childhood full of neglect, it spills over into all facets of life especially with the raising of children. You said his parents weren't nice which could means lot of things but I think it means he was neglected in many ways if their lack of holidays and celebration is taken into account. He needs to face the past in orders to have a future so he can learn how to see things without the distorted view of childhood neglect. He didn't refuse the gift out of not wanting it but not wanting to get used to something he has never had before. Whether or not he sees this as an issue and wants to get help with it would be what I based my willingness to face a future with him having children and living a life together. This isn't something you just get over. Those who say this is a preference for him isn't taking into account that he has a reason for not wanting to participate and it is an unhealthy reason so it needs to be addressed before you two can have a healthy future together. Good luck, Grumps Edited December 28, 2013 by Grumpybutfun
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