Dumpee Tips

[Bandini]

(english is not my native language, sorry for this)

I was with my gf for 2.5 years. I was her first boyfriend. (21 years old for her in the beginning, 23 for me / 23/25 now)

We were college student when we begin the relationship. She was the one chasing me, she was in love well before we get into a relationship.

 

Dumpee tips : It don't matter what she felt before, what matter is her feeling today. So don't dig on it.

 

She was a good girl, nice and really smart. Always there for me. But i was jobless and i was failling my master degree twice. I had to drop college and the things i wanted to study. It make me anxious and depress. I didn't know what to do with my life and i was always changing my orientation. At the same time, my girlfriend, which wanted to be a writer, began writing for a website and thanks to it, hanging with some writers of my country. I began feeling afraid to looser her. I was more and more anxious. They were writers, i didn't have a job and i failed my study.

Inconsciouly, i push her back with words like "you will feel stuck if you stay with me"; "i can't give you what you need" "i don't care about the relationship, but i care about you" etc etc.

I stop romancing her, took her for granted.

And badaba.

In october she wanted to take a break. I think at this time she already wasn't in love but didn't have the courage to break up. After two weeks, we speak. I say to her that i will change, i took her for granted etc etc, see my mistake, that i wasn't in the relationship and let her took care of it. (To be fair at that time i didn't see half of my mistake...). She confess that she wanted to break up.

November :

We get back together. But one week later i found out a piece of paper while searching for her credit carts, it was about the things she hate about me. I get out of her flat. I don't give any life sign for one week. She call, texte, she send a long email saying that 'she always wanted to be honest, she loves me and want to make things work". I respond and ask her to come. I wanted to break up.

And, it's ****ing ridiculous, she came with some sexy lingerie. So we make love and i don't break up.

Two weeks later she definitively broke up with me after a fight. "I think you are right that perhaps i'm no more in love with you... it's unfair". It's the beginning of december.

Since then, No contact, i just call her one time, one week after the break up asking if there was another man. I know i shouldn't but it was the only way to calm me.

"She says no, she began to cry saying since the break up her life is like ****, man that she thought was her friends began hitting on her, she run away from a meeting with a great writer because of stress blabla emotional tempon".

(i'm sure there is no other man by the way, but i think she began withdrawing from the relationship since september, perhaps june)

 

Since then it was hard but ****ing great. I see now that my relationship was hidding how my own situation was a mess. During the relationship, i had put intellectual protection "no i don't want to work, there is no more work in today economics, it's absurd we have to find something else" (which it's true but

 

Dumpee tips : The world will not bend to your will. In some way you have to adapt to it, to accept his rules, or trying to change them. But wynning will get you nowhere. For that, you will have to accept that conflict is a part of life, and what make life interesting...

 

So i began to put order in my life. I find a job, i register for new study in computer science. I'm trying to put more concentration and motivation on intellectual things.

I don't think i want her back. Not sure. But today i cry a lot because of my mistake. Lot of regret for the relationship.

She deserves to be happy, i know she losts her feeling (because i neglect her and make her feel she was useless with me) and that they will never come back. I know we will never be together anymore.

But damn, i regret it now. I don't know how long those feeling will last. I just hope to go backward and give her the relationship she deserves.

I'm scared to not find suchh a good girl.

I don't think she was the girl of my life, she was a little boring to be fair (well a nice girl, same as a nice guy...) but i dunno, it feel like a waste.

 

Thanks if you have read all this, i just need to speak.

 

 

(since the post get a new name, let's make it adequate!)

 

 

-About anxiety : Usualy we said we are anxious because we fear that something happen.

I think it explain nothing. What i think it is that anxiety is a process of detachment. Which mean that whenever you are doing something, or thinking about something or someone and you experience anxiety, it's not because you are affraid but because your Will is always detaching herself from the thing or the individual.

It's important for people who suffer from abandonment issue.

 

-Never fight your emotions. They always win. Aknowledge them, and express them (in real life or in imagination or in something creative)

 

-You can't control life, you can't control people. They always put them first. The world is an egoist place. And it's fine like that. Don't judge it. The more you want control, the more you will fail.

-Being a Dumpee is great. It sucks but you will grow. DUMPEE FOREVER!

-Value come from within yourself. When you are obsessing for getting someone back it's not because you love them, it's because you have make your self-worth only on the relationship. In this case, getting someone back is not about the dumper, but about the value that the dumper give you in the relationship.

Edited December 26, 2013 by Bandini

[Bandini]

I'm thinking contacting my ex to get closure. I didn't have really an explanation. Don't know what to do, i know speaking to here will give me more question than answer. But there is things that i want to know.

 

-Did she want to met other men? (i was her first boyfriend)

-Why did she open a secret email adress and a fb account without telling me. (there is no guy in her fb, only close friends)

(i really pretty sure there is no other people, or perhaps was she attracted to someone else....)

-Since how long she was withdrawing from the relationship.

-Why so much mixed feeling in november, and why didn't she wants to work out on the relationship... (she just give me tips that things were not alright...)

[sw2020]

What does it matter now? For yourself, what conversation can you have that will have a positive effect going forward.

 

Leave her to it.

[Bandini]

I didn't ask her but i met her best friends two night ago (with other friends). And just have to ask him for more explaination because don't have them from my ex.

He just said to me that she is still in love with me and he thinks that she see the break up as a long break (it's is way of seeing it, not the ex). It just make me mad, i hate the fact that she thinks she can have me again when she wants...

 

Now i know she is always contacting the girlfriend of my bestfriend to know how i'm doing, certainly for releasing her guilt.

I want to text her to stop doing this.

I think i'm in the anger phase...