Just looking for some clarification and honesty

[larryEdwards]

So, this is my very first post on the site. I just need some un-biased advise. I am 20 and my ex is 20 as well. We started going out my junior year of highschool and dated for a little over a year. It was my first real girlfriend. Needless to say, i was in love. The first 4 months we were together i really cared about her; while to her, i was just a guy she liked. She ended up cheating on me. We broke up and after a few months she came back to me. I took her back and the feelings we had for each other had swapped. While she was head over heels in love with me, i didnt really care about her. I was holding her past against her and could not get over it. I was very jealous the first time we dated. But the second time i didnt really care. She had hurt me very badly so, honeslty, i was just planning on using her for sex. (like i said, i was a totally different person than i am now) It worked for a while but i couldnt get over the fact that she cheated on me. So, i broke it off with her. I have been with quite a few girls but ive never felt like i did about her. Now im going to give some background on her since the break-up. Her parents have always let her do whatever and she was a very free spirited girl; i loved it. About a year ago she got with a guy that i knew was very bad on drugs. One month ago she was busted for possession and distribution of heroin. This devastated me. 2 years and 9 months after our break-up she adds me on facebook, and follows me on twitter. I message her to see how she is doing and what kind of trouble she is looking at. We start talking and come to find out we are very alike. We have more in common now than we did when we dated. I told her i wanted to see her as her looks have changed drastically for the worse. I was hoping that her looks and her terrible drug use would help me finally say "i honestly feel nothing for her." Well, we met on christmas eve due to the fact that she still lives with her boyfriend. She cant leave him until after her trial or he will testify against her. She was staying at her parents house on christmas eve and it was the only chance to see her. I know, this whole story probably seems like a troll but i promise you it is not. We met around 12:30 am. The first 5-10 minutes were very awkward. She pulled out a red bag and dumped it in my lap. It was every note we had ever written each other. The fact that she still had them blew my mind. We started reading them and she started telling me how much she missed me. We stayed out till about 3:30 talking about everything. I took her home and she kissed me on the cheek and told me to text her. I texted her when i got home and just told her i was home and that i didnt expect the night to go the way it did. She didnt reply. I wasnt worried about it because i knew her boyfriend was picking her up at like 6 and taking her to his parents for christmas. Well, she didnt reply whole next day. I just checked on facebook and twitter and she blocked me. I honesly have no clue what happened. It bothers me that i thought i would receive some type of clarification, but the night just left me with more questions. I honestly have no clue what happened. I am not even close to the same person i was when we dated. At this point in my life, i do my best not to judge anyone. I am very laid back and not jealous at all. Anyway, i want to be with her but at the same time i dont. It all depends on her coming court date. Im not even sure what i am looking for on here, i havent asked any questions. Just please tell me what to do lol